Unnecessary complaints?

February 10, 2022

When I look at the previous thread and your reference to her past traumas, I see that she places you on a pedestal. She idolizes you because you are everything that her past trauma perpetrators were not.

Unfortunately, as you can see, this only leads to self-centered behavior on her part.

Every time you do something kind for her and it isn't "perfectly packaged," it ruins her image of you because she doesn't see it in line with whatever irrational expectation she has.

In this case, OP, the danger is that you are now carrying the weight of the traumas she has experienced and her unreasonable expectations on your shoulders since that is the only way she feels as though she has control over them.

If she cannot get a handle on her own behavior, things may escalate and you may lose your sense of self-control. You may even resort to unhealthy ways of coping to alleviate the tension.

February 10, 2022

48 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hand delivering it is more personal Lewis, mailing it is impersonal.

For example, you could have placed it on her pillow without an envelope or next time she was over at yours, bring her breakfast and place the card again without the envelope on the tray or something, gotta be creative about these things! lol

Whatever type of card it was, it did not come with an envelope like most cards do which suggests it was not meant to be given inside an envelope.

I dunno, I am totally overthinking this! LOL

My final advice is either cut back on the amount of giving you do, or given your previous thread, reconsider ending the relationship altogether.

I consider myself quite creative, I have previously hand delivered notes, left them in places she'd find. Like I said I was isloted so couldn't hand deliver thus one.

On reflection I think I done too much too soon. I tried to make it like a once a week random thing. So maybe I set too high a standard too soon.

February 10, 2022

2 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

Thanks, she said she was on her front door having a cigarette when postman came hence passing it to her.

That still doesn't explain why she would be embarrassed at being handed a piece of mail from a hospital.

Again, the postman didn't know what was inside and even if he did (which is against federal law as it's illegal to open another person's mail), I doubt he gave it a second thought.

Just sounds like she was looking for something to gripe about.

I didn't read your previous thread in it's entirety but given what Alpaca just posted, it appears there is A LOT going on under the surface and this incident was merely a symptom of a much larger and more insidious "disease."

February 10, 2022

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That still doesn't explain why she would be embarrassed at being handed a piece of mail from a hospital.

Again, the postman didn't know what was inside and even if he did (which is against federal law as it's illegal to open another person's mail), I doubt he gave it a second thought.

Just sounds like she was looking for something to gripe about.

I didn't read your previous thread in it's entirety but given what Alpaca just posted, it appears there is A LOT going on under the surface and this incident was merely a symptom of a much larger and more insidious "disease."

Yes there has been alot more going on. I understand that I didn't execute the card giving as good as I could have but it felt like I done something nice to have it thrown back in my face.

February 10, 2022

5 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

So I am someone who sends flowers, buys my gf chocolates randomly things like this to keep the romance going. Recently I decided to mail her one of them small love cards that you can buy from gift shops, we only live 2 streets apart but I thought it would add a personal touch. After she received it and we spoke next she complained as I sent it using a already used envelope which had a hospital logo on it. She said she was embarrassed when the postman gave it to her. Anybody thoughts? Is she being unreasonable?

Not sending in the gift envelope was a bit odd, but her reaction to you doing something thoughtful for her would be troubling to me.

I think a reasonable reaction would be poking fun at it, but she was legitimately offended? Maybe she's taking your gestures for granted.

There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. We take for granted what we have in abundance. In this case if you do romantic gestures all the time then they're in abundance, if they're in abundance then they're not special anymore. Unfortunately that's just how we are as humans.

Do nice things because you feel it in your heart, not out of obligation or something you're trying to keep up. You said you're doing it as a once-a-week thing. Well think of it on her end, she's thinking "well it's been a week, I should be expecting a card from him." She still reacted in a unappreciative way and it's not ok, but hope this at least explains why she had the reaction that she did.

Edited February 10, 2022 by dramafreezone

February 10, 2022

13 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

When I look at the previous thread and your reference to her past traumas, I see that she places you on a pedestal. She idolizes you because you are everything that her past trauma perpetrators were not.

Unfortunately, as you can see, this only leads to self-centered behavior on her part.

Every time you do something kind for her and it isn't "perfectly packaged," it ruins her image of you because she doesn't see it in line with whatever irrational expectation she has.

In this case, OP, the danger is that you are now carrying the weight of the traumas she has experienced and her unreasonable expectations on your shoulders since that is the only way she feels as though she has control over them.

If she cannot get a handle on her own behavior, things may escalate and you may lose your sense of self-control. You may even resort to unhealthy ways of coping to alleviate the tension.

This sounds pretty accurate.

It's definitely done a number on me, I over analyse everything I constantly blame myself.

February 10, 2022

4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Not sending in the gift envelope was a bit odd, but her reaction to you doing something thoughtful for her would be troubling to me.

I think a reasonable reaction would be poking fun at it, but she was legitimately offended? Maybe she's taking your gestures for granted.

There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. We take for granted what we have in abundance. In this case if you do romantic gestures all the time then they're in abundance, if they're in abundance then they're not special anymore. Unfortunately that's just how we are as humans.

Do nice things because you feel it in your heart, not out of obligation or something you're trying to keep up.

Thankyou. Yes she was genuinely offended and made her point.

As I wrote earlier I done too much gestures too soon so yes she prob got used to it.

February 11, 2022

She was embarrassed by the postman handing her an envelope with a hospital logo on it? That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard all day. I'm sure the postman doesn't care what logos are on the mail he delivers. He delivers hundreds of pieces of mail a day and probably doesn't have time to care about what is on each piece of mail. Receiving a piece of mail with a hospital logo is not in itself "weird" or embarrassing. Her reaction is unreasonable and I'm not sure why you are staying with someone who is so negative and overly critical of you.

February 11, 2022

4 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

This sounds pretty accurate.

It's definitely done a number on me, I over analyse everything I constantly blame myself.

Understand that the problem is actually with her and not with you.

Your girlfriend could have been thrilled to receive such a thoughtful card and greeted you with lots of sweet and gentle kisses all over.

But instead she chose to vent her frustration over an envelope.

Sure, I mean sometimes we have bad days and we're a bit grumpy and sometimes we blame those that are closest to us.

But this just seems like, overkill.

First it was the gifts (from your other thread) now the card.

Have you tried talking to her about any of this? What's her version?

Is there the off-chance that you are a bit of a people pleaser?

If you choose to stay with her then you're going to have to understand what is really wrong with her such that she keeps fault-finding.

What is it you want? What are your needs? How do you feel about certain situations? Tolerance levels: what are yours? What irritates you. What makes you uncomfortable. The things that make you sad. What bores you.

When you have answers to all of these questions, you will know when to say, "Enough already". "I can't take any more."

Edited February 11, 2022 by Alpaca

February 11, 2022

Sounds like it could be some form of disordered thinking to me. You do something nice, but she finds a problem with it. Not sure what drives this, but possibly her past experiences.

Another possibility is that she uses the negative reactions to manipulate you - keeping you emotionally off balance so you are always looking to please her/correct your "mistakes". This gives her more "power" in the relationship so long as it's not taken too far and you get fed up with her.

These things could actually be combined (she has the distorted thinking AND finds ways to benefit from it manipulatively). This would be a characteristic of e.g. narcissistic personality disorder (narcissistic rage). This does NOT mean she's actually has full blown NPD: in fact many people have some traits of a personality disorder. That might explain this, particularly if there's a pattern of similar behavior.

Edited February 11, 2022 by mark clemson

February 11, 2022

Lewis you sound very sweet and devoted boyfriend --- Perhaps your unique / quirky way of doing things (the envelope was a little eccentric perhaps) -- Is not appreciated by your current GF who may just love things 'mainstream'.. and done properly (proper envelopes.. proper etiquette etc ). Ever heard the saying "no good deed goes unpunished" ? .. it feels like with your gf.. unless you go the whole shebang its better to not even try at all. Save up your small gifts for one gift she really wants/loves and skip the small gestures that are now going unappreciated (and quite possibly working against you as she forms the opinion that you cut corners with gifts -- not fair but again, sometimes how it works).

I think its an incompatibility as some people love the small, meaningful gestures, no matter how imperfect and quirky -- whereas others place a huge amount of importance on quality and are detail-oriented in their gestures. I think you could find a loving soul who would CHERISH your precious little trinkets .. she is not that person.

Edited February 11, 2022 by beentheredonethat77

February 11, 2022

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Understand that the problem is actually with her and not with you.

Your girlfriend could have been thrilled to receive such a thoughtful card and greeted you with lots of sweet and gentle kisses all over.

But instead she chose to vent her frustration over an envelope.

Sure, I mean sometimes we have bad days and we're a bit grumpy and sometimes we blame those that are closest to us.

But this just seems like, overkill.

First it was the gifts (from your other thread) now the card.

Have you tried talking to her about any of this? What's her version?

Is there the off-chance that you are a bit of a people pleaser?

If you choose to stay with her then you're going to have to understand what is really wrong with her such that she keeps fault-finding.

What is it you want? What are your needs? How do you feel about certain situations? Tolerance levels: what are yours? What irritates you. What makes you uncomfortable. The things that make you sad. What bores you.

When you have answers to all of these questions, you will know when to say, "Enough already". "I can't take any more."

Thankyou. As mentioned in my other thread I would say she's the people pleaser and she expects me to match her level of doing things and gift giving with regards to the cost.

I am far from being a people pleaser Im just really into her so naturally want to do all these nice things.

So this is only my 2nd ever serious relationship so I'm starting to realise I'm abit inexperienced dealing with different types of women hence why I'm tolerating it.

February 11, 2022

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Sounds like it could be some form of disordered thinking to me. You do something nice, but she finds a problem with it. Not sure what drives this, but possibly her past experiences.

Another possibility is that she uses the negative reactions to manipulate you - keeping you emotionally off balance so you are always looking to please her/correct your "mistakes". This gives her more "power" in the relationship so long as it's not taken too far and you get fed up with her.

These things could actually be combined (she has the distorted thinking AND finds ways to benefit from it manipulatively). This would be a characteristic of e.g. narcissistic personality disorder (narcissistic rage). This does NOT mean she's actually has full blown NPD: in fact many people have some traits of a personality disorder. That might explain this, particularly if there's a pattern of similar behavior.

The keeping me off balance part sounds so familiar, from day 1 I was the dominant one who was always in control. I was never needy or unsure of myself, my thinking is maybe she wanted to be more in control as none of her previous bfs were acted like I do.

February 11, 2022

3 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

I am far from being a people pleaser Im just really into her so naturally want to do all these nice things.

Scale way back on jumping through these hoops. Stop with the random cards gifts etc.

In fact whatever you do for vday will not be enough. Guaranteed. So don't bother with too much.

No matter how much you like her, this is a chronically demanding woman. No matter what you do it will always be wrong, not enough, whatever.

So. Do much less. It's that simple. For example. Get the least expensive thing you can for vday because she won't appreciate it anyway.

Sooner or later you'll tire of being her whipping boy. You'll crave having a woman who respects and appreciates you.

February 11, 2022

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Scale way back on jumping through these hoops. Stop with the random cards gifts etc.

In fact whatever you do for vday will not be enough. Guaranteed. So don't bother with too much.

No matter how much you like her, this is a chronically demanding woman. No matter what you do it will always be wrong, not enough, whatever.

So. Do much less. It's that simple. For example. Get the least expensive thing you can for vday because she won't appreciate it anyway.

Sooner or later you'll tire of being her whipping boy. You'll crave having a woman who respects and appreciates you.

The more people are replying the more I'm starting to realise I might be better off without her

February 11, 2022

It’s quite petty in the larger scheme of things. I’m assuming you explained the card had no original envelope and you made-do.

You realize you’re dealing with a materialistic person who spends a lot on gifts according to your other thread. I don’t know why you didn’t expect her reaction to a mismatched envelope-card. This is who she is. The focus will always be on the material object, not on you her boyfriend or the thought or love behind the actions. Either way, now you know.

If you both truly appreciate one another you’d feel appreciated, loved and enjoy each others’ company.

Don’t linger on with someone who can’t see you for you. You’ll always feel invisible that way. Move on.

February 11, 2022

I cant believe how many people in this thread have an issue with an envelope hahah

She sounds absolutely ungrateful and entitled. Very unattractive.

February 11, 2022

17 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

OK so she tells me I'm amazing, there's no one like me, I know exactly what women want etc but out of knowhere say I don't show her enough love, I don't show any emotion, gets defensive over the smallest things, randomly gets worked up saying why won't I just love her???

What does she do to show her love for you besides telling you you're amazing for doing things for her?

February 11, 2022

5 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

Thankyou. As mentioned in my other thread I would say she's the people pleaser and she expects me to match her level of doing things and gift giving with regards to the cost.

I am far from being a people pleaser Im just really into her so naturally want to do all these nice things.

So this is only my 2nd ever serious relationship so I'm starting to realise I'm abit inexperienced dealing with different types of women hence why I'm tolerating it.

I'm not sure based on how you describe her that she's a people pleaser.

I'm wondering if it's more about wanting adoration than just being a people pleaser.

One seems only concerned with pleasing oneself through admiration and is genuinely unconcerned with pleasing others. It's a means to demoralize you, break your spirit, tear down your confidence, and make you feel inferior.

People pleasers, on the other hand, frequently seek to please others at the expense of their own needs. The latter sounds more in tune with what you've been doing.

One has to wonder. For what reason is she in this relationship? To see what dollar amount in gifts she might get?

The gifts and cards she is receiving may not merely be gifts in her view, but rather repayment. Her time is worth quite a bit too, since she wants her gifts to be expensive and her cards to be perfectly packaged.

Edited February 11, 2022 by Alpaca

February 11, 2022

19 hours ago, poppyfields said:

ETA: You're lucky she opened it and didn't toss it in the trash thinking it was junk mail, I might have! lol

It definitely would have made it's way into the trash in my house.

February 11, 2022

19 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

Happy lemming I was isolating so was unable to go and get any.

Errr, under other circumstances I'd say it would be super weird to use a hospital envelope, but considering these circumstances it should be totally understandable. If she knows you're isolating and is still giving you grief, I'd be very concerned.

February 11, 2022

4 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

The more people are replying the more I'm starting to realise I might be better off without her

I do have a question. You said each of you did the love language quiz and hers was words of affirmation. What was your love language? Does she try as hard to please you with your love language as you do with her? Since this is only your second relationship, I would say maybe you should play the field a little more and find out who else is out there for you.

February 11, 2022

5 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

The more people are replying the more I'm starting to realise I might be better off without her

Well if you're going to make a decision to end it do it because that's what you feel is best.

But what I will say is that many people will take your good nature for granted. You have to understand that a lot of people don't feel good about themselves, they don't have a lot of self-esteem. So if they already don't feel great about themselves, they view someone that's treating them like royalty as even lower than they are. Does that makes sense?

It's like the saying, "treat her like a celebrity and she'll treat you like a fan." If you treat her as she's above you in some way, then a lot of people will behave accordingly. You should not treat her any better than she's treating you. You deserve nice things done for you too (and not sex, that should be a mutually enjoyable experience, not something she's doing for you).

February 11, 2022

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

What does she do to show her love for you besides telling you you're amazing for doing things for her?

Mine is touch. She done this initially but it is becoming less and less latley.

She will buy me the odd gift like new pj's or a random case of beer too.

February 11, 2022

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

I do have a question. You said each of you did the love language quiz and hers was words of affirmation. What was your love language? Does she try as hard to please you with your love language as you do with her? Since this is only your second relationship, I would say maybe you should play the field a little more and find out who else is out there for you.

Mine is touch. She did this consistently initially but its becoming less and less

Sign In

Unnecessary complaints?

Recommended Posts

Alpacalia

Lewis321

poppyfields

Lewis321

dramafreezone

Lewis321

Lewis321

ShyViolet

Alpacalia

mark clemson

beentheredonethat77

Lewis321

Lewis321

Wiseman2

Lewis321

glows

JRabbit

stillafool

Alpacalia

vla1120

Els

vla1120

dramafreezone

Lewis321

Lewis321

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...