elaine567 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 I guess the fact you did not reciprocate in kind regarding the presents, left her feeling bad and undervalued hence the complaints and criticisms. Maybe her abusive ex always made up by showering her with presents, or she was jealous of other women whose bfs spoiled them. I guess you have bitten off more than you can chew here. Be careful.
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 38 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Maybe that is where the abuse has left her. All the fight and spirit kicked out of her. She has not chosen to be submissive, she doesn't know any more how to be anything else Elaine 567 so if I was to compliment her after being intimate she would get defensive and start a argument over it. So what your saying could make sense
Dis Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 (edited) Just had to overhaul my post after reading more... So she's on state benefits and doesn't have an established career and you do well enough to buy a car outright You both are mismatched big time and you'll feel that more as you continue to date. She's already getting entitled expecting x, y and z from you when she can't even provide those things for herself A champagne princess on a budwieser budget I'd be markedly turned off it I were you I abide by 'Not on my level, not in my line of sight' Edited January 16, 2022 by Dis
Els Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 (edited) 10 hours ago, poppyfields said: Elswyth I am familiar with the dom/sub dynamic as well and I dont think there is a 'one size fits all' every couple and every person will define for themselves and as far as the OP's gf she has been the victim/survivor of physical abuse which adds a different layer. What you described is the dynamic you and your husband have, not every dom/sub relationship will fit into that same box. I speak from experience as well. A "dynamic" where the submissive has no way to revoke consent and no way to stop the dynamic if they're not comfortable with it, is not Dom/sub... it's abuse. This is one of the few things that almost everyone in the kink community will agree with. 10 hours ago, Lewis321 said: Poppy fields all I can say from my experience is that she had the trust that I wouldn't hurt her or take advantage. So she pretty much let me get on with it and do whatever I wanted. Wow. This explains a lot... If you think that someone "letting you get on with it and do whatever you want" is a good enough reason to engage in D/s dynamics with them, especially if they're a previous abuse victim... that certainly explains why your relationship is where it is now. If you really want to engage in D/s, I strongly suggest that you do some reading on healthy D/s dynamics and enthusiastic consent, notably SSC and RACK principles. The new topping book" by Janet Hardy or "SM 101: A realistic introduction" by Jay Wiseman are good places to start. What you're doing now is like playing with fire... right next to a gas reservoir. Edited January 16, 2022 by Elswyth 1
Author Lewis321 Posted January 16, 2022 Author Posted January 16, 2022 2 hours ago, Dis said: Just had to overhaul my post after reading more... So she's on state benefits and doesn't have an established career and you do well enough to buy a car outright You both are mismatched big time and you'll feel that more as you continue to date. She's already getting entitled expecting x, y and z from you when she can't even provide those things for herself A champagne princess on a budwieser budget I'd be markedly turned off it I were you I abide by 'Not on my level, not in my line of sight' Dis you make so much sense. As I wrote somewhere else everythings kind of crept up on me overtime. I will admit that I have been caught off guard because I fell for her really hard really soon and when you have someone that you are really attracted to buying you nice things and letting you be in control and do whatever you want sexually it is a really exiting position to be in.
Author Lewis321 Posted January 16, 2022 Author Posted January 16, 2022 53 minutes ago, Elswyth said: A "dynamic" where the submissive has no way to revoke consent and no way to stop the dynamic if they're not comfortable with it, is not Dom/sub... it's abuse. This is one of the few things that almost everyone in the kink community will agree with. Wow. This explains a lot... If you think that someone "letting you get on with it and do whatever you want" is a good enough reason to engage in D/s dynamics with them, especially if they're a previous abuse victim... that certainly explains why your relationship is where it is now. If you really want to engage in D/s, I strongly suggest that you do some reading on healthy D/s dynamics and enthusiastic consent, notably SSC and RACK principles. The new topping book" by Janet Hardy or "SM 101: A realistic introduction" by Jay Wiseman are good places to start. What you're doing now is like playing with fire... right next to a gas reservoir. Elswyth thanks for the advice. Just to be clear she knows that she can ask me to stop something at anytime and I will and also there are a few things that she has said she isn't comfortable doing and I respect that. If someone that you are highly attracted to let's you be in control sexually then not alot of people would say no to that.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 This relationship is a trainwreck, OP. It has little to do with the gifts, and everything to do with all the other major red flags flying high: emotional instability, financial irresponsibility, insecurity, control, entitlement. You are letting sexual attraction lead you into dysfunction and it's only been a couple months. Why has she even met your daughters yet? I am also wondering if she is truly part of the of the kink community or if she just watched 50 Shades of Grey and got swept up in the Hollywood fantasy version and decided that you should be her Christian Grey. She sounds like she's got a make-believe representation of that in her head and is trying to make her real life into the escapist fantasy she saw on the big screen. 3
Calmandfocused Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 Op, Why on Earth are you not running for the hills screaming, begging for your freedom? The first massive red flag I spotted was your reference to buying yours and her children Christmas presents. How/ why do you even know her children after 2 months of dating? … you should never involve children at this early stage. What were you thinking? Anyway, your girlfriend here wants you to take control, rescue her, provide for her, and treat her like a princess. You must be perfect all the time, know exactly what she wants/ thinks and you must give it to her - under her terms and conditions, and exactly how she wants it. Anything less than perfect is unsatisfactory. And yes she is controlling. Very! I promise you this will get worse. Much worse as time goes on. If I was you I’d be looking for that key to unlock the prison door, and run quickly.
Wiseman2 Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 38 minutes ago, Lewis321 said: someone that you are really attracted to buying you nice things and letting you be in control and do whatever you want sexually it is a really exiting position to be in. Ok. So you both seem to put up with each other's quirks and kinks. That being the case, don't worry about gifts. If buying you nicer gifts than the "cheap" stuff you got her is part of your BDSM dynamic, let it go.
Author Lewis321 Posted January 16, 2022 Author Posted January 16, 2022 8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This relationship is a trainwreck, OP. It has little to do with the gifts, and everything to do with all the other major red flags flying high: emotional instability, financial irresponsibility, insecurity, control, entitlement. You are letting sexual attraction lead you into dysfunction and it's only been a couple months. Why has she even met your daughters yet? I am also wondering if she is truly part of the of the kink community or if she just watched 50 Shades of Grey and got swept up in the Hollywood fantasy version and decided that you should be her Christian Grey. She sounds like she's got a make-believe representation of that in her head and is trying to make her real life into the escapist fantasy she saw on the big screen. Expatinitaly yes I agree with you, I have let the sexual attraction lead me into this. OK so her son and my daughters already knew each other from school before we were together and we both have our kids full time so that was the only way we can spend time together. When we first got together she already had a box of sex toys so I just presumed that she was kinky but I could also get that because of the films and she reads the books alot she could be trying to mould me into that. Who knows.
Author Lewis321 Posted January 16, 2022 Author Posted January 16, 2022 29 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Op, Why on Earth are you not running for the hills screaming, begging for your freedom? The first massive red flag I spotted was your reference to buying yours and her children Christmas presents. How/ why do you even know her children after 2 months of dating? … you should never involve children at this early stage. What were you thinking? Anyway, your girlfriend here wants you to take control, rescue her, provide for her, and treat her like a princess. You must be perfect all the time, know exactly what she wants/ thinks and you must give it to her - under her terms and conditions, and exactly how she wants it. Anything less than perfect is unsatisfactory. And yes she is controlling. Very! I promise you this will get worse. Much worse as time goes on. If I was you I’d be looking for that key to unlock the prison door, and run quickly. Calm and focused I agree with everything you've said. As I've just wrote our kids already knew each other but yes I acknowledge that it was still abit rushed.
Calmandfocused Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 5 minutes ago, Lewis321 said: Calm and focused I agree with everything you've said. As I've just wrote our kids already knew each other but yes I acknowledge that it was still abit rushed. Sorry Lewis but I don’t think that makes one iota of difference. It doesn’t negate the fact that you shouldn’t drag your children into your relationship from the offset. Use babysitters like other parents do. She’s not step mother material. That much is clear. I’m sure your daughters are not thankful of the fact that you take them to a controlling woman’s house every weekend.
Els Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 3 hours ago, Lewis321 said: If someone that you are highly attracted to let's you be in control sexually then not alot of people would say no to that. I mean... not really. As you have noticed, the "why"s matter, a lot. If she's not into submission because she desires it for its own sake (and I think it's clear that she isn't), but is rather just "letting you get on with it and do what you want", then of course the whole thing is going to come with complications and unhealthy expectations. Either she doesn't know any other way for a relationship to be, as elaine says, or she thinks that submission is something that people do for monetary benefits, as depicted in 50 Shades. I suspect it's a bit of both. But regardless, now it makes sense to me why she expects these things of you, because she's holding up "her end of the bargain" (giving you the type of sex you want regardless of what she wants), and she perceives that you aren't holding yours up (showering her with gifts a la Christian Grey). It's your choice as to whether this is an acceptable exchange for you. Personally I think it's incredibly unhealthy for both of you and incredibly dangerous for her mental health and self-esteem, but that's my opinion. There are plenty of people (including hetero, single women) out there who desire submission in and of itself, no financial strings attached. But of course, in an actual D/s relationship with no financial benefits exchanged, you can't just "do what you want". Dominants have an immense responsibility, not just for the safety and health of everyone involved, but also to ensure that the sub's needs are met. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 4 hours ago, Lewis321 said: When we first got together she already had a box of sex toys so I just presumed that she was kinky but I could also get that because of the films and she reads the books alot she could be trying to mould me into that. Who knows. Having toys and being into 50 Shades of Grey does not make for a dom/sub relationship, nor does it make someone particularly kinky, so to speak. It sounds a lot more like she just enjoys taking a submissive role in bed, and wants you to sweep her off her feet. The problem is that she's got a very unrealistic idea in her head about how that plays out in reality and she's ridiculously insecure and demanding to boot. I don't think her choice of gifts in any is connected to her bedroom preferences but rather her teen-like view of "love" and her dysfunctional way of relating to the world and people around her. You are going to have to ask yourself if the sex is really worth all this chaos. It sure doesn't sound like it. 4
Author Lewis321 Posted January 16, 2022 Author Posted January 16, 2022 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Having toys and being into 50 Shades of Grey does not make for a dom/sub relationship, nor does it make someone particularly kinky, so to speak. It sounds a lot more like she just enjoys taking a submissive role in bed, and wants you to sweep her off her feet. The problem is that she's got a very unrealistic idea in her head about how that plays out in reality and she's ridiculously insecure and demanding to boot. I don't think her choice of gifts in any is connected to her bedroom preferences but rather her teen-like view of "love" and her dysfunctional way of relating to the world and people around her. You are going to have to ask yourself if the sex is really worth all this chaos. It sure doesn't sound like it. Expactinitaly you are pretty spot on with your view's of her
salparadise Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 6 hours ago, Elswyth said: But regardless, now it makes sense to me why she expects these things of you, because she's holding up "her end of the bargain" (giving you the type of sex you want regardless of what she wants), and she perceives that you aren't holding yours up (showering her with gifts a la Christian Grey). This is my take on it too, however, I wasn't even thinking in terms of kinky sex- just access to sex. The tip-off for me was a history of abusive relationships. This mentality (sex for security) is pretty common among those who don't have a sense of inherent lovability, due to having had no experience that would instill that belief. Combine that with a lifetime of difficult economic circumstances and it's like a perfect storm. Relationships are presumed to be transactional. But to be fair, this is not without basis in fact historically. It's just within the past several decades that we've [mostly] evolved beyond that in the most literal sense. We have no shortage of people right here who still subscribe. If the woman could just be more subtle/sophisticated rather that verbalizing everything that passes through her head, I'm sure Lewis would be bending over backwards... after all, it was he who suggested cash transfers. Lewis my man, you are only a click away from having her on a monthly allowance, jumping through hoops, and thanking her for being so generous. You gotta nip it. 3
Dis Posted January 16, 2022 Posted January 16, 2022 13 hours ago, Lewis321 said: Dis you make so much sense. As I wrote somewhere else everythings kind of crept up on me overtime. I will admit that I have been caught off guard because I fell for her really hard really soon and when you have someone that you are really attracted to buying you nice things and letting you be in control and do whatever you want sexually it is a really exiting position to be in. I think you just let the sex cloud your judgment. I did that with my ex and it really bit me in the butt later because our incompatibilities were definitely there from the get go Maybe take some time apart so you can really think about things I've dated men who didn't have jobs and were supposedly in school and supposedly building business and in the end I lost respect for them for not matching my hustle and my growth. You two are on different pages of life and if you're being brutually honest with yourself, you know she just needs a steady place to land that's why she's with you. Let her go and find a mature woman who you can be proud of, a woman you're compatible with in and out of the bedroom. 1
Els Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 (edited) 20 hours ago, salparadise said: This is my take on it too, however, I wasn't even thinking in terms of kinky sex- just access to sex. The tip-off for me was a history of abusive relationships. This mentality (sex for security) is pretty common among those who don't have a sense of inherent lovability, due to having had no experience that would instill that belief. Combine that with a lifetime of difficult economic circumstances and it's like a perfect storm. Relationships are presumed to be transactional. But to be fair, this is not without basis in fact historically. It's just within the past several decades that we've [mostly] evolved beyond that in the most literal sense. We have no shortage of people right here who still subscribe. If the woman could just be more subtle/sophisticated rather that verbalizing everything that passes through her head, I'm sure Lewis would be bending over backwards... after all, it was he who suggested cash transfers. Lol, good point. I guess I wasn't really thinking about kinky sex either... but rather "selfish" sex, if that makes sense? OP seems very hung up on the "doing whatever he wanted" bit, paraphrased repeatedly in multiple posts... and that's just not how a sex life that involves mutual desire works, regardless of whether it's vanilla or kinky (although the latter may appear that way on the surface to a casual observer). Perhaps he subconsciously realizes that if that's what he wants on a regular basis, paying for it is probably the only way he'll have it. Edited January 17, 2022 by Elswyth
Author Lewis321 Posted February 10, 2022 Author Posted February 10, 2022 So I am someone who sends flowers, buys my gf chocolates randomly things like this to keep the romance going. Recently I decided to mail her one of them small love cards that you can buy from gift shops, we only live 2 streets apart but I thought it would add a personal touch. After she received it and we spoke next she complained as I sent it using a already used envelope which had a hospital logo on it. She said she was embarrassed when the postman gave it to her. Anybody thoughts? Is she being unreasonable?
Sun Seeker Posted February 10, 2022 Posted February 10, 2022 Are you saying that you received mail from a hospital, then re used that envelope they sent you, to send her the card?
vla1120 Posted February 10, 2022 Posted February 10, 2022 1 hour ago, Lewis321 said: She said she was embarrassed when the postman gave it to her. Why would she be embarrassed at mail being delivered. That's unreasonable, definitely. So you used an envelope that had a hospital logo on it? That's not a big deal, either. I hope she has been more gracious with your other acts of kindness. 1
Author Lewis321 Posted February 10, 2022 Author Posted February 10, 2022 Everything else I've done she's been very appreactive and treated me like a god, but was shocked by this. Feels like because I have done these things from the beginning she expects me to be perfect all the time.
poppyfields Posted February 10, 2022 Posted February 10, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Lewis321 said: Recently I decided to mail her one of them small love cards that you can buy from gift shops... I am curious what your thought process was for using an envelope with a hospital logo on it? Why didn't you use the envelope that came with the card? They all do, so it's baffling why you chose to use the hospital envelope instead. As for your girlfriend's reaction, a bit over the top, my guess is there's more to it besides this one incident. Edited February 10, 2022 by poppyfields 3
Author Lewis321 Posted February 10, 2022 Author Posted February 10, 2022 Poppyfields the card I bought was one of them plastic ones, similar to what you would put by a gravestone but this card was a romantic 'for the one I love' card that didn't come with a envelope. Hence me having to use a different envelope.
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