FMW Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 1 minute ago, Lewis321 said: she resents me because of my size. That's a whole other problem. This early on she shouldn't be criticizing you or expressing resentments. There will surely be more to come. 1
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 11 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Boy it just keeps adding up, doesn't it. Poppy fields o yes. I'm so confused because she tells me things like I'm so amazing, she's never met anyone like me, she even compared me to Christian grey but then she goes to randomly complaining about something or she will get all emotional and say why won't I just love her.
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 16 minutes ago, salparadise said: She's keeping you off balance and on the defensive in making you feel that you aren't doing enough. And you seem to be playing right into it. It may not be conscious intent, more like the proclivity of an insecure person. It's a two-month relationship remember. Most people don't even start thinking of it as an actual relationship until six months or more. In my opinion she's overstepping both practically and in the emotional/relational/boundary area. The new information about her having a history of abusive relationships provides some insight. These things are manipulative whether it's the intent or not. It's going to be up to you to maintain healthy boundaries. At two months in you couldn't possibly be ready for the degree of entanglement she's trying to create, and if you're a savvy guy you'll be maintaining objectivity as to whether this has long-term potential. Hopefully starting this thread is a sign that you are. Here is what I'd suggest... do not intermingle finances in any way at this point. Make sure you're covering a bit more than fifty-percent of the food and entertainment, perhaps up to two-thirds to ensure there's no question, and no more cash transfers. You're keeping up a place to live as well, so you have your own heat and electric bills. The small amount of difference a second person staying over a weekend creates is negligible. A few extra toilet flushes and hot water for a shower doesn't justify cash payments. Do not allow the flow of dollars in her direction to become normalized. You don't want to have to wonder if she's with you for the benefits vs. caring for you as a unique individual. If you're still together next Christmas, and for birthdays, etc., agree on spending limits (and thus the expectations). And for heaven's sake, do not be cavalier about BC. Salparadise some background on myself, I was in a 12 year relationship prior to this so I have very little experience with being in relationships with different types of women. I agree with you, I think due to her insecurities she is acting this way. I don't think it's a consious act on her part. What do you mean don't be cavalier about BC?
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 5 minutes ago, Lewis321 said: I think due to her insecurities she is acting this way. I think this woman has been in some pretty difficult relationships and she brings a lot of baggage to your relationship - don’t underestimate that. And don’t try to fix it. When you see red flags, you heed them early on in the relationship before people get really invested and hurt. 1
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 7 minutes ago, Lewis321 said: What do you mean don't be cavalier about BC? Don’t rely on her for birth control. The last thing you need is to be financially tied to this woman for the next 18 years because she had an “accidental” pregnancy. 1
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I think this woman has been in some pretty difficult relationships and she brings a lot of baggage to your relationship - don’t underestimate that. And don’t try to fix it. When you see red flags, you heed them early on in the relationship before people get really invested and hurt. BaileyB if she has been with some shitty men surely she would appreciate and value it when a genuine guy comes along.
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Lewis321 said: BaileyB if she has been with some shitty men surely she would appreciate and value it when a genuine guy comes along. Not necessarily. For some people, all they know is dysfunction, chaos, and unhealthy relationships. Being in a healthy relationship with a man feels boring - unnatural. So, they create drama. She may have no clue how to be in a healthy relationship with a man. She may have no clue how to be a healthy partner for a man. Some people will repeat the same patterns in their lives again and again - their nuclear family was abusive, they find themselves in an abusive marriage, only to find themselves an abusive affair partner, etc… It takes a lot to break some of these patterns. People tend to do what they know - She doesn’t seem appreciative and grateful to have found you based on what you’ve described. She sounds insecure, jealous, judgmental, demanding - Edited January 15, 2022 by BaileyB 2
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 36 minutes ago, poppyfields said: You mean like she's shyt testing him? To determine how much BS he will tolerate? If he tolerates her BS (and complaining and criticizing his efforts surely is), and sticks around, he cares? No. She spent a lot of money on him to show him she cares and values him. He thus is supposed to feel good and that means he likely wants to stay with her. Not specifically for the gifts themselves, but because she put so much effort in and spent so much money on him. He is supposed to feel special. 2
poppyfields Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 25 minutes ago, Lewis321 said: she even compared me to Christian grey .... Is this a dom/sub relationship? Serious question and might shed some light on the situation that we haven't seen.
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 (edited) 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: Is this a dom/sub relationship? Serious question and might shed some light on the situation that we haven't seen. Or does she just love the fantasy of the wealthy and romantic man who sweeps her off her feet and takes care of all her troubles… Edited January 15, 2022 by BaileyB
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: She spent a lot of money on him to show him she cares and values him. He thus is supposed to feel good and that means he likely wants to stay with her. Not specifically for the gifts themselves, but because she put so much effort in and spent so much money on him. He is supposed to feel special. He’s supposed to pay her back - and more.
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 10 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Not necessarily. For some people, all they know is dysfunction, chaos, and unhealthy relationships. Being in a healthy relationship with a man feels boring - unnatural. So, they create drama. She may have no clue how to be in a healthy relationship with a man. She may have no clue how to be a healthy partner for a man. Some people will repeat the same patterns in their lives again and again - their nuclear family was abusive, they find themselves in an abusive marriage, only to find themselves an abusive affair partner, etc… It takes a lot to break some of these patterns. People tend to do what they know - She doesn’t seem appreciative and grateful to have found you based on what you’ve described. She sounds insecure, jealous, judgmental, demanding - I understand, thankyou
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 10 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Is this a dom/sub relationship? Serious question and might shed some light on the situation that we haven't seen. Poppy fields yes it is very much a dom/sub relationship. Sexually I am the dom and she has expressed that she likes it that way.
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 2 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I don’t disagree. But many women saw him as a romantic hero, a millionaire who flew her around the world and bought her everything life has to offer - Yes Christian grey. She has started saying more and more that I am her real life Christian grey. I think most of this comes from the sexual side though, I will build up the sexual tension through the day things like that.
poppyfields Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 Just now, Lewis321 said: Poppy fields yes it is very much a dom/sub relationship. Sexually I am the dom and she has expressed that she likes it that way. OK so perhaps her criticisms are her way of feeling a sense of control since as a dom, you have all the control in the bedroom. It's done unconsciously, she may not be aware of what she's doing... Just something to consider. 2
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 I think getting into a dom/sub relationship with a woman who has been abused previously, is a tad problematic... 4 1
Els Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 This relationship has so many red flags, I'm surprised a bull isn't charging at it. I'd be very concerned, OP. 1 1
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 26 minutes ago, poppyfields said: OK so perhaps her criticisms are her way of feeling a sense of control since as a dom, you have all the control in the bedroom. It's done unconsciously, she may not be aware of what she's doing... Just something to consider. Poppy fields maybe your right. She is not a very good communicator so this could be a possibility
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 21 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I think getting into a dom/sub relationship with a woman who has been abused previously, is a tad problematic... Elaine 567 I agree, obviously this is something that has happened slowly overtime. Tbh I've got so caught up in the high sexual chemistry that I've missed all the other bad things 1
Els Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 27 minutes ago, poppyfields said: OK so perhaps her criticisms are her way of feeling a sense of control since as a dom, you have all the control in the bedroom. It's done unconsciously, she may not be aware of what she's doing... Just something to consider. That's... not really how it works, IME. While it may appear that the Dom has "all the control" (and indeed those of us who are into such things go to great lengths to maintain this illusion), realistically speaking both parties will always share control. Because the sub has the power to stop anything, at any time. If she doesn't like him being in control, she could simply withdraw consent... and if she does enjoy it, why the need to compensate? 1
poppyfields Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Elswyth said: That's... not really how it works, IME. While it may appear that the Dom has "all the control" (and indeed those of us who are into such things go to great lengths to maintain this illusion), realistically speaking both parties will always share control. Because the sub has the power to stop anything, at any time. If she doesn't like him being in control, she could simply withdraw consent... and if she does enjoy it, why the need to compensate? Elswyth I am familiar with the dom/sub dynamic as well and I dont think there is a 'one size fits all' every couple and every person will define for themselves and as far as the OP's gf she has been the victim/survivor of physical abuse which adds a different layer. What you described is the dynamic you and your husband have, not every dom/sub relationship will fit into that same box. I speak from experience as well. Edited January 15, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Elswyth I am familiar with the dom/sub dynamic as well and I dont think there is a 'one size fits all' every couple and every person will define for themselves and as far as the OP's gf she has been the victim/survivor of physical abuse which adds a different layer. What you described is the dynamic you and your husband have, not every dom/sub relationship will fit into that same box. I speak from experience as well. Poppy fields all I can say from my experience is that she had the trust that I wouldn't hurt her or take advantage. So she pretty much let me get on with it and do whatever I wanted.
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 38 minutes ago, Lewis321 said: I've got so caught up in the high sexual chemistry that I've missed all the other bad things That’s usually what happens - 1
poppyfields Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 Just now, Lewis321 said: Poppy fields all I can say from my experience is that she had the trust that I wouldn't hurt her or take advantage. So she pretty much let me get on with it and do whatever I wanted. Trust is paramount, so that's good but we're getting off topic. Perhaps it's time for an honest open communique to determine what her issues are. Why all the criticisms and complaints. Get to the heart of the matter if you choose to go forward which it appears you do.
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 31 minutes ago, Lewis321 said: Poppy fields all I can say from my experience is that she had the trust that I wouldn't hurt her or take advantage. So she pretty much let me get on with it and do whatever I wanted. Maybe that is where the abuse has left her. All the fight and spirit kicked out of her. She has not chosen to be submissive, she doesn't know any more how to be anything else 1
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