Lewis321 Posted January 14, 2022 Posted January 14, 2022 Hi all, so me and my gf have been together since October, we spent Xmas together. After Xmas we had a argument and she said she's been thinking about the relationship, one of her complaints was that the presents I got her for Xmas were cheap. I got her a medium size gift bag of stuff which included various makeup sets, a calendar, underwear, chocolates, a branded t shirt and a book she said that she liked. This I felt was appropriate considering the short time we had been together, on the other hand she bought me jeans, shoes, a coffee machine, grooming kit, and a jacket. I guess my question is is she acting ungreatful and out of line? 1
FMW Posted January 14, 2022 Posted January 14, 2022 Sounds like she went way overboard on buying your presents when you had only been together a few months. But that's my opinion, she clearly had different expectations. Did you have any conversations about gifts prior to the holiday? Did you say anything to her afterwards about the amount she spent on you? I would have been very uncomfortable with the imbalance. You have a compatibility problem as far as spending and gifts go. 2
stillafool Posted January 14, 2022 Posted January 14, 2022 So you spent about $60 or less on her gifts while she probably spent $400 or more on yours. How do you feel about that? If I were her I wouldn't have said anything to you about it. 1
Author Lewis321 Posted January 14, 2022 Author Posted January 14, 2022 FMW we mainly discussed what presents we would get for each others kids, we didn't discuss any specifics regarding our presents. I didn't say anything about the amount she spent on me as she made me feel quite uncomfortable when she brought it up. Basically I have come to realise that she is insecure so she is maybe overdoing it with the presents to try and keep me? Like I said I thought the amount I spent was correct given the short time we were together.
Author Lewis321 Posted January 14, 2022 Author Posted January 14, 2022 Well at the time I didn't feel great about it but obviously it's too late by then. What do you mean if you were her you wouldn't say anything about it?
FMW Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 I also would not have said anything about it if I was her. I would have realized that I had overspent and adjusted my expectations and actions going forward. But then again I can't imagine spending that much on someone I had only been dating a few months. It does either sound like she's trying to buy your affection or speed the relationship along. Do you usually share expenses when going out (food, cover charges, tickets, etc.)? Are your incomes similar? Regardless, I agree the price of your gifts were more reasonable than hers given the stage of the relationship. 2
glows Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 I’d rethink this. It has very little to do with this being a few months long and more to do with excessive spending and junk accumulation. Those are about five or six years of Christmas gifts crammed into one year on both your parts, value of the items aside. Can you imagine the hoarding situation after a few years of dating? She might be looking for more expensive gifts or for you to spend more money on her so decide whether you’re into that in the first place. I wouldn’t waste any energy debating whether or not she is out of line or ungrateful. 2
jspice Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 Your gift was absolutely appropriate. It sounds like gifting is going to be a constant headache because you now have to worry about if it’s enough for her. The gifts are probably not the only issue in your relationship. 2
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 (edited) FMW I felt she was trying to speed the relationship along, when we were just dating she kept saying to me that she wasn't interested in seeing anyone else. We would take in turns with expenses, food, coffees, driving etc. If anything I earn more than she does. Also we spend weekends at her house and I transfer money across to her every weekend to cover us being there but she complained that I should bring my own food. Edited January 15, 2022 by Lewis321
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 2 hours ago, jspice said: Your gift was absolutely appropriate. It sounds like gifting is going to be a constant headache because you now have to worry about if it’s enough for her. The gifts are probably not the only issue in your relationship. Jspice thanks. Yeah there are other things happening. She said that I am very good at the dating side of things but not the relationship side. I have reflected on this and can't see why she would say this as I am always keeping the romance and intimacy going. I spontaneously send flowers, write notes that sort of thing. I feel like I am there for her if she needs me. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 10 hours ago, Lewis321 said: she bought me jeans, shoes, a coffee machine, grooming kit, and a jacket. Too many expectations for a new relationship. However it does highlight some significant incompatibilities. Her gifts were quite over-the-top. She was foolish to overinvest like that. Offer to give her the coffee machine or take stuff back and refund her money. You must have been embarrassed that she spent too much and your gift was sort of minimal. Sounds like your relationship is about too much too soon. 1
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Too many expectations for a new relationship. However it does highlight some significant incompatibilities. Her gifts were quite over-the-top. She was foolish to overinvest like that. Offer to give her the coffee machine or take stuff back and refund her money. You must have been embarrassed that she spent too much and your gift was sort of minimal. Sounds like your relationship is about too much too soon. Wiseman2 I agree, I didn't feel so much embarrassed just more shocked by it. As I said above I feel I am a good boyfriend and give her attention etc but she will complain that I take ages to reply to her texts and don't put enough detil when texting her back.
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 7 minutes ago, Lewis321 said: she will complain that I take ages to reply to her texts and don't put enough detil when texting her back. Ok. Observe these attitudes. It's already sounding like nothing you do will ever be enough. Step back and continue to reflect if jumping through hoops is something worth your while.
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok. Observe these attitudes. It's already sounding like nothing you do will ever be enough. Step back and continue to reflect if jumping through hoops is something worth your while. Will do. I have never been someone to reply promptly from the beginning so it's not like I've suddenly changed my pattern of texting. I only have eyes for her and make this clear to her but she can't seem to accept this and vocalises her concerns about other women weather they are checking me out etc.
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 30 minutes ago, Lewis321 said: vocalises her concerns about other women weather they are checking me out etc. She seems morbidly insecure and controlling. After some reflection, decide if you should cut your losses. Give the coffee maker back.
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: She seems morbidly insecure and controlling. After some reflection, decide if you should cut your losses. Give the coffee maker back. Wiseman will do. Weather it is intentional or not she has got into my head and I keep going over should or could I be doing anything more/better in the relationship. 1
chillii Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 She's obviously very materialistic buying you all that after only a few mths and then complaining about yours. Ps, wonder what you'll get at 10yrs haha
salparadise Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Lewis321 said: Also we spend weekends at her house and I transfer money across to her every weekend to cover us being there but she complained that I should bring my own food. You give her money for spending time at her place, AND she expects you to bring your own food? So what expenses are you covering with the money you give her if not the cost food? I don't see what additional expenses she would incur other than food, so the fact that she expects money and for you to bring your food (as if you don't eat the same meals together) make it sound like she's running a boarding house or something. I agree that she overspent on Christmas, and then was extremely crass for speaking of it and making you feel bad. Did she actually say the word cheap? Complaining about you being a bad texter, bad at the relationship, jealousy over imaginary stuff... ugh. Like someone else said, it seems to me that this is a pattern of her expectations always being over-the-top, and you never quite being/doing enough. Does she ever express appreciation? Is she ever content with things as they are? If she's generally frustrated and unsatisfied, and using you as an object to focus this onto... not a place anyone would be happy for long. Being overly focused on monetary stuff is not good either. I wonder if she feels that you should be giving her an allowance for being with her. I think you should pin her down on this money + food expectation. It sounds strange to me. Edited January 15, 2022 by salparadise 2 1
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, salparadise said: You give her money for spending time at her place, AND she expects you to bring your own food? So what expenses are you covering with the money you give her if not the cost food? I don't see what additional expenses she would incur other than food, so the fact that she expects money and for you to bring your food (as if you don't eat the same meals together) make it sound like she's running a boarding house or something. I agree that she overspent on Christmas, and then was extremely crass for speaking of it and making you feel bad. Did she actually say the word cheap? Complaining about you being a bad texter, bad at the relationship, jealousy over imaginary stuff... ugh. Like someone else said, it seems to me that this is a pattern of her expectations always being over-the-top, and you never quite being/doing enough. Does she ever express appreciation? Is she ever content with things as they are? If she's generally frustrated and unsatisfied, and using you as an object to focus this onto... not a place anyone would be happy for long. Being overly focused on monetary stuff is not good either. I wonder if she feels that you should be giving her an allowance for being with her. I think you should pin her down on this money + food expectation. It sounds strange to me. Salparadise the money I transfer is to cover everything, food drink heating electric etc. We take it in turns to order takeaway also so I will transfer abit less if we have takeaway. She saw some of the items I bought her for Xmas while out shopping, called me up on it and yes said cheap. To me it's the thought that counts? On occasion she would vocalise her appreciation and or buy me random gifts, beer, clothing that sort of thing. She would go from telling me that how could any woman let me go to complaining that she's not happy in the relationship and I don't show enough love or affection. She never asked me to transfer money, I brought it up she didn't want to talk about it so I said I'm going to start paying you something as its not fair on her paying for all the food/drink. Edited January 15, 2022 by Lewis321
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 17 hours ago, Lewis321 said: various makeup sets, Ah... Many women would prefer one very expensive high end lipstick in a good colour than various "make up sets"... Quality over quantity. It is the thought that counts and buying cheap stuff does not show much thought actually...
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 10 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Ah... Many women would prefer one very expensive high end lipstick in a good colour than various "make up sets"... Quality over quantity. It is the thought that counts and buying cheap stuff does not show much thought actually... Elaine567 I appreciate your point. Still wouldn't justify buying anything expensive or high end after only being together for 2 months. Just to clarify some of the stuff I bought was cheap, others were more pricy.
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 1 hour ago, Lewis321 said: buy me random gifts, beer, clothing that sort of thing. It would have been best to ask her to stop doing that. It's almost creepy, like she's trying to by affection, control things or act like your mother.
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2022 Posted January 15, 2022 17 hours ago, Lewis321 said: I guess my question is is she acting ungreatful and out of line? Yes - you did fine considering that you have only been dating the woman for two months.
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: It would have been best to ask her to stop doing that. It's almost creepy, like she's trying to by affection, control things or act like your mother. She ha 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: It would have been best to ask her to stop doing that. It's almost creepy, like she's trying to by affection, control things or act like your mother. Wiseman2 don't think it's so much trying to act like my mother but yes I do agree with the trying yo buy affection and control things. She has a low self esteem so I think this has something to do with it. At the time it made me feel good, having a woman you're attracted to randomly buying you gifts but yes I agree it's not healthy 1
Author Lewis321 Posted January 15, 2022 Author Posted January 15, 2022 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Yes - you did fine considering that you have only been dating the woman for two months. Bailey b thankyou. She has got into my head and made me feel like I am not doing good enough
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