Girlfriend disagreeing with me over different beliefs (merged thread)

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, but she gets pissed off if I try to change the subject though, and yesterday, when I tried to, she even said she gets pissed off, when I try to do this, instead of keeping talking about it.

This goes to communication issues.  
 

she wants a response, you won’t give it, she gets pissed. How good/ bad depends on the question asked.

 

 

[ironpony]

I feel it's testing if she is expecting a certain response, and says she gets pissed if I do not give her the response she was hoping for, but that is my perception of it.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, but she gets pissed off if I try to change the subject though, and yesterday, when I tried to, she even said she gets pissed off, when I try to do this, instead of keeping talking about it.

And so?

We can't change her. You can't change her. Either accept it, or end the relationship. You keep spinning in circles hoping someone will tell you how to fix this. You can't. 

[ironpony]

Oh okay.  Well I was just wondering is it possible to tell her she can be too self-righteous sometimes, and will that possibly help or hinder the problem?

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay.  Well I was just wondering is it possible to tell her she can be too self-righteous sometimes, and will that possibly help or hinder the problem?

Oh okay. Just stop arguing. It takes two.

[ironpony]

I can do that but I can tell it bothers her and she seems pissed though.  Should I just ignore it and hang out with her anyway even though I can tell, but just not bring it up?

[Gaeta]

If you tell her you don't want to debate something and she's in a bad mood because of it then no, don't hang out with her. Tell her you'll see her when she gets back in a good mood. Don't reward her bad attitude with your presence. 

And how long you think you can go on like this? I think you got used so much of the constant drama you lost perspective of what is good and bad. 

[Ami1uwant]

12 hours ago, ironpony said:

I feel it's testing if she is expecting a certain response, and says she gets pissed if I do not give her the response she was hoping for, but that is my perception of it.

What is the response?  You saying something that goes against her beliefs or is your response dodging the question?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

I can tell it bothers her and she seems pissed though.

Wherever you go and whoever you meet, you'll have to develop diplomacy skills and how to peacefully navigate situations. Practice that here.

Find ways to see her point then change the subject to something interesting such as what kind of nice date/place you are going to next. Try to have a calming rather than antagonistic presence with people, especially a GF and particularly a coworker.

[SumGuy]

23 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh ok, but why does worldviews have to be the same?  Can I expect her to just agree to disagree?

To a certain extent they do, but it depends on the view.  

Here it is what you are attracted to sexually.  You get to decide that, just as her friend gets to decide to be trans, and she gets to decide who she is attracted to.  She may be misinterpreting your response as some judgment on her friend.  You are not even really disagreeing, as I bet you both agree you have the autonomy to choose who you are attracted to and how you gender identify.

Now if she thinks you are judging her friend it could be incompatible and one usually can't agree to disagree with a worldview that says ones friends should have less rights than others based on their gender identity.

Edited April 4, 2022 by SumGuy

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

I can do that but I can tell it bothers her and she seems pissed though.  Should I just ignore it and hang out with her anyway even though I can tell, but just not bring it up?

Yes. 

[ironpony]

38 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes. 

Oh ok thank you everyone for the input!  I can ignore it and change the subject, it's just there is a part of me that feels guilty if I choose to ignore something that's bothering her, but maybe that's normal?

And no I am not thinking that her friend should have less rights and never thought of rights in her friend's issue.

[Calmandfocused]

Woah!

I’ve only just seen this. Am I right In thinking this is another 2 (merged) threads about this 21 year old? The same woman whose life has been splashed over loveshack and can do no right as far as IP is concerned?
 

Yet he stays with her. 
 

I don’t get it at all. IP I’ve no idea what you want? What could I or another poster possibly say that doesn’t result in a “oh ok” response? 
 

Help us to help you please. 

 

 

Edited April 4, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[poppyfields]

I can't wait to find out what the outcome of this will be.

@ironpony next time she goes off on you about it, call her out on it, you're being too passive.

Perhaps you can say "what the hell are you so angry about, one would think YOU are the one wanting to transition"!!

Gauge her response and take it from there. 

Said it before but something is just not smelling right about this whole thing, but good luck.

Edited April 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh ok thank you everyone for the input!  I can ignore it and change the subject

But you've already said she gets angry if you change the subject, so that won't work.  

[ironpony]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But you've already said she gets angry if you change the subject, so that won't work.  

That's true but even though it didn't work, some advice on here was still to do so.  But even if I called her out on it like some other advice said to, I thought that might make it worse to.

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Woah!

I’ve only just seen this. Am I right In thinking this is another 2 (merged) threads about this 21 year old? The same woman whose life has been splashed over loveshack and can do no right as far as IP is concerned?
 

Yet he stays with her. 
 

I don’t get it at all. IP I’ve no idea what you want? What could I or another poster possibly say that doesn’t result in a “oh ok” response? 
 

Help us to help you please. 

 

 

Oh sorry I don't mean to not take the advice, I'm just trying to do my best with the situation.  It's been mentioned quite a few times that's she's 21 on here but does that matter?

[basil67]

1 minute ago, ironpony said:

That's true but even though it didn't work, some advice on here was still to do so.  But even if I called her out on it like some other advice said to, I thought that might make it worse to.

Well yes, you tried the advice and it didn't work.  So now you need to try something different.   And yes I agree that calling her out will only inflame the situation further.

Given the extraordinary amount of complaints you've had about her since you started out, my advice is that you're not compatible and you would be wise to move on.  And yes, you may love her, but that doesn't mean you should be together.  

 

[poppyfields]

@ironponythe reason I suggested you call her out is because (1) your passive approach thus far isn't working, in fact the opposite, it angers her more, (2) she is being totally disrespectful and dare I say borderline mentally abusive and (3) you will finally get to the bottom of why she is truly angry and I have a sneaking suspicion it's not because of her "friend." 

[stillafool]

On 4/3/2022 at 1:18 PM, ironpony said:

But she raises her voice if I don't agree and she said she's pissed off if I don't go into it with her.

This is unacceptable and she seems to bring you problem after problem.  Why don't you just break up with her and find another girl that makes you happy?

[chillii]

l couldn't think of much more frustrating and basically insulting , than her just shutting down something l needed or wanted to talk about, no surprise she gets pissed. Doing that more will only frustrate her even more it's not even a relationship if you can't talk about things you need to, with ea other more than anyone else. But of course we're not suppose to get pissed if they don't agree but eh, even 50yr old women will do that, some. But we shouldn't  take advantage over loading our partner with our crap unfairingly either, does she just lay it on too much or, haven't read everything. What happens if you more just listen though but don't really give an opinion if you do disagree?

Anyway sorry op but eh, that's only on just that one issue. She's very young still finding herself and has lots of opinions thoughts and likes lots of drama too, but they're all other issues again entirely some about her some about you two. Whether or not you yourself are happy in this and want to keep dealing with it all is up to you.

 

Edited April 5, 2022 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, ironpony said:

 if I called her out on it , I thought that might make it worse to.

Yes escalating will make matters worse. She wants to vent about her friend and this topic. So what? Cultivate being a good listener rather than an arguer.

Do not "call her out". There's nothing to call out here. Just listen to her point of view for a while then change the subject. Stop trying to control the conversation this much. Not everything needs to be an overcharged controversy.

Learn that women want a BF they can "talk to". Don't get hysterical or hot under the collar about things. Listen in peace. Then talk about what kind of nice dates you are going to take her on.

It's also best to remember that what you do is your decision. You're responsible for that. It's not about this poster said this or someone told me to that.

 

Edited April 5, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ironpony]

On 4/4/2022 at 4:43 PM, poppyfields said:

@ironponythe reason I suggested you call her out is because (1) your passive approach thus far isn't working, in fact the opposite, it angers her more, (2) she is being totally disrespectful and dare I say borderline mentally abusive and (3) you will finally get to the bottom of why she is truly angry and I have a sneaking suspicion it's not because of her "friend." 

I can try that, it's just others pointed out that calling her out will make it worse than remaining passive about it.  So I am not sure, which is better.

As for breaking up goes, it just feels premature to do that now, since we have so much fun together.  She is kind of prudish and self-righteous when it comes to some political and sexual identity stuff but not sure if that is a reason to break up unless of course it just gets worse?

Edited April 6, 2022 by ironpony

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, ironpony said:

As for breaking up goes, it just feels premature to do that now

How is it premature when every week you start a new thread complaining about her?

This relationship isn't a good or healthy one. 

Edited April 6, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[ironpony]

Well it's just that every relationship has something in it that one has to adapt too, so I felt that if I left her, I would just have to deal with something to adapt to, with someone else so maybe I have to learn to live with the problems, rather than think there is an absolute perfect relationship out there?