Girlfriend disagreeing with me over different beliefs (merged thread)

[ironpony]

Well there is some political stuff going on in Canada right now, that she seems bothered that I do not agree with her on but I just feel like we should agree to disagree and leave it at that.  But also, she seems to have a problem with what she brought up before here in this past thread:

Testing in the sense that she seems to have a problem that I have a different perspective on her, in things like that.

Edited April 3, 2022 by ironpony

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Testing in the sense that she seems to have a problem that I have a different perspective on her, in things like that.

Why is there a link to your profile? Just don't debate/argue with her. It's that simple. Let others have their opinions. That's not "testing", it's disagreeing. 

[ironpony]

Sorry I took the link down.  I tried posting a link to past thread but the lake will not take one there for some reason.

Basically, her friend is transitioning from a woman into a man, and in a conversation she asked me if I would ever date a transwoman, and I just said no as it's just not what I am biologically hard wired attracted to, and this really bothered her and still does from time to time.  Hope that explains it, but that's what the thread was about.

I understand just don't debate argue with her but she keeps bringing up the same disagreements which is annoying.

Edited April 3, 2022 by ironpony

[Gaeta]

That's not testing. That's being young and thinking we know everything and forcing it down to people's throat.

It takes 2 to disagree, just don't participate that's all. When she ask controvercial questions just say you have no opinion and change subject.

Edited April 3, 2022 by Gaeta

[Alvi]

7 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Sorry I took the link down.  I tried posting a link to past thread but I cannot get it to go there on here for some reason.

Basically, her friend is transitioning from a woman into a man, and in a conversation she asked me if I would ever date a transwoman, and I just said no as it's just not what I am biologically hard wired attracted to, and this really bothered her and still does from time to time.  Hope that explains it, but that's what the thread was about.

Have you considered that if you keep having those silly arguments that make no sense is because she is perhaps not mature enough to be in a relationship or because you are not a good match? A mature person would understand that couples don't always have to agree on some subjects and that everybody is entitled to his or her opinion. I mean, I could understand if it happened once but if she brings it up again and again, there is something for you to consider.

P.S. I hate to ask, but is it possible she is talking about herself? Maybe she is the one who wants to transition, is it really out of there farfetched? She gets very upset and emotional about you not wanting to date a transgender person, is she scared about you not wanting to date her if she ever decides to transition? Otherwise, I don't see how she can blame you for your feelings. I never in my entire life had an argument with a man because I am not lesbian and don't want to date women.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

her friend is transitioning from a woman into a man, and in a conversation she asked me if I would ever date a transwoman,

You debated all this already. Just stop the conversation and controversy. This has nothing to do with boundaries or ultimatums. She simply wants to talk about it. So? Let her have her opinion and do not answer rhetorical questions or debate it.

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

My gf keeps testing me, and I am just getting tired of it.  I have had this happen before and I read that women tend to test men because they want to see how they do in certain situations, and I understand that, if that's true.  But I feel like it gets to the point where enough is enough perhaps.

I had a long term gf for a few years, a few years ago, and she kept doing it, in the last couple of years of the relationship and I finally told her that if she tests me again, I'm breaking up with her. She did it again, and I broke up.

But I was told before that it's not okay to give ultimatums and I should set boundaries instead.  But how do I set a boundary without it being an ultimatum?  If I let her know it's not cool if she does tests me again, isn't that an ultimatum in the sense that she knows something will happen if she does, or is that just a boundary?

Thank you very much for any advice on this!  I really appreciate it!

This isn't really specific enough to give advice but I do have an opinion on "testing." 

I don't think that women "test" in the sense of "I'll do something to get under his skin and see how he reacts."  *SOME* very toxic women do that but I don't think that's normal behavior.

But I do think that there are situations that arise organically that define how a woman sees you as a man.  In that sense there are times where you have to stand up for yourself and make it known that you're not going to be disrespected.

Mainly, I think this is best handled by remaining calm and addressing the behavior directly.  Don't yell and lose your cool.  If the behavior continues you leave, that's the only recourse you need to impose.

Quote

Basically, her friend is transitioning from a woman into a man, and in a conversation she asked me if I would ever date a transwoman, and I just said no as it's just not what I am biologically hard wired attracted to, and this really bothered her and still does from time to time.  Hope that explains it, but that's what the thread was about.

I think maybe she's just thinking about sexual identity, trying to understand because she has a very close friend going through this.  I wouldn't internalize it.  Having civilized discussions is not "testing."

Edited April 3, 2022 by dramafreezone

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You debated all this already. Just stop the conversation and controversy. This has nothing to do with boundaries or ultimatums. She simply wants to talk about it. So? Let her have her opinion and do not answer rhetorical questions or debate it.

But she raises her voice if I don't agree and she said she's pissed off if I don't go into it with her.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, ironpony said:

But she raises her voice if I don't agree and she said she's pissed off if I don't go into it with her.

She is immature. Do you want an immature girlfriend? 

Every other week, you've got a new beef with her. At what point do you realize this relationship isn't working? 

[ironpony]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She is immature. Do you want an immature girlfriend? 

Every other week, you've got a new beef with her. At what point do you realize this relationship isn't working? 

Oh well I be been tested by women before so I just felt that I want to learn how to deal with it since I can't seem to find any that do not test.

So I figure I might as well learn to accept it and deal with it if so far every woman has done it?

Edited April 3, 2022 by ironpony

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, ironpony said:

Oh well I be been tested by women before so I just felt that I want to learn how to deal with it since I can't seem to find any that do not test.

She isn't testing you. I am not sure why you think this. 

She's just angry because you don't agree with her views. It's not a test. It's incompatible worldviews combined with immaturity and self-righteousness on her side. 

[ironpony]

Oh ok, but why does worldviews have to be the same?  Can I expect her to just agree to disagree?

Edited April 3, 2022 by ironpony

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh ok, but why does worldviews have to be the same?  Can I expect her to just agree to disagree?

They don't. 

But she apparently has a big problem with your differing opinions, and you could hope that she would agree to disagree - but that doesn't mean she will actually do it. She's not going to. 

 

[dramafreezone]

15 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh ok, but why does worldviews have to be the same?  Can I expect her to just agree to disagree?

Sometimes yes.  That doesn't extend to every viewpoint.  If someone I was dating was in favor of ethnic cleansing for instance then I wouldn't be able to just agree to disagree, that would be a dealbreaker.  I'm using an extreme example to make the poin that some differences of opinion are too great to overcome in a relationship.

[Els]

Boundaries are, to a certain extent, ultimatums by default. If you are not willing to let it go to the extent of ultimatum if it is breached, it's not really a boundary. It's also not a bad thing at all to have boundaries, in fact they are necessary. The main difference that separates a boundary from a "bad sort of ultimatum" is that the former is "things I won't do" and the latter is "things you better do or else".

I think most people who know your story here will be of the opinion that a breakup was long overdue.

Edited April 3, 2022 by Elswyth

[ShyViolet]

She's not "testing" you.  She is acting like an immature child.  You have had many, many problems with her before, this is just the latest in a long list, and I think you absolutely do have enough reason to break up with her at this point.  I don't know why you put up with so much of her immature and childish behavior.

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

But I was told before that it's not okay to give ultimatums and I should set boundaries instead.  But how do I set a boundary without it being an ultimatum? 

You were "told" this by who?  It's okay for you to do whatever you feel that you need to do.  You have already tried setting boundaries with her, by simply telling her to stop or that you don't want to argue about this, and that has failed miserably.  You can't control her behavior.  All you can do now is leave the situation and say you're done with this.  And if that's an "ultimatum", then fine!!

Edited April 3, 2022 by ShyViolet

[AngryGromit]

43 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh ok, but why does worldviews have to be the same?  Can I expect her to just agree to disagree?

No you don't have to agree on everything, if an issue important enough to her, perhaps she should find someone whose views are closer to her own. Me for example, I could never date a Trump supporter, that be a deal breaker for me, no matter how rich and attract she was.   

[Weezy1973]

Some people come from families where debating and discussing issues was commonplace and some come from families where it’s not a thing.
 

How to set a boundary in this case is to let her know you don’t enjoy debating these things but understand and respect that she does. In that case she should have family and friends where she can debate to her hearts content. If she insists that her partner share her desire for debating (which is a ridiculous ask) then you’re just incompatible and should break up. 

[ironpony]

49 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She's not "testing" you.  She is acting like an immature child.  You have had many, many problems with her before, this is just the latest in a long list, and I think you absolutely do have enough reason to break up with her at this point.  I don't know why you put up with so much of her immature and childish behavior.

You were "told" this by who?  It's okay for you to do whatever you feel that you need to do.  You have already tried setting boundaries with her, by simply telling her to stop or that you don't want to argue about this, and that has failed miserably.  You can't control her behavior.  All you can do now is leave the situation and say you're done with this.  And if that's an "ultimatum", then fine!!

I was told this before by someone on here quite a while ago but I cannot remember who.

[ironpony]

Thanks for the advice everyone!  Well as far as breaking up goes it's just it's really hard for me when I'm in love and that's what makes me want to try to make it work or work it out instead.

Plus she helped me out with a lot lately so I am greatful which makes it tougher to want to end it.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Thanks for the advice everyone!  Well as far as breaking up goes it's just it's really hard for me when I'm in love and that's what makes me want to try to make it work or work it out instead.

Plus she helped me out with a lot lately so I am greatful which makes it tougher to want to end it.

Why end it? She not 'testing' you. She is droning on about whatever her friends do, what she sees on social media, etc. Boring? Yes. Reason to end it? Why?

That you can't handle the topic more deftly and just agree, listen or whatever does not make it "testing" it makes it annoying.

But since you two rarely go on dates or have a good time, don't get into texting discussions about the Highly charged topics and the type of hyperbole you claim she brings up. Just stop the convo diplomatically and move forward. 

Your therapist can help you roll with things better and not get riled up over people's differing opinions.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, but she gets pissed off if I try to change the subject though, and yesterday, when I tried to, she even said she gets pissed off, when I try to do this, instead of keeping talking about it.

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, but she gets pissed off if I try to change the subject though, and yesterday, when I tried to, she even said she gets pissed off, when I try to do this, instead of keeping talking about it.

Well if she's not going to change, you either have to accept it or end the relationship.   It's your call. 

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, Alvi said:

I hate to ask, but is it possible she is talking about herself? Maybe she is the one who wants to transition, is it really out of there farfetched? She gets very upset and emotional about you not wanting to date a transgender person, is she scared about you not wanting to date her if she ever decides to transition? Otherwise, I don't see how she can blame you for your feelings. I never in my entire life had an argument with a man because I am not lesbian and don't want to date women.

Ya know, honestly @ironpony I think what's quoted above ^ may be something to strongly consider.   I mentioned the same thing earlier in the now-merged thread from last year.  It was actually the first thought that came to me while reading. 

My opinion was mostly dismissed but now she has brought it up AGAIN, six months later, becoming even more angry that you're against dating transgender; something just sounds terribly off about it. 

She is taking your stance re: transgenderism much too personally and seriously for this to be about her friend and reading the above quoted, I'm not alone in thinking this could be a possibility.

The "friend" is her or at least it's possible it could be her. I don't think the idea is that way off, it happens.

Also, she's at the age wherein she's exploring her own sexuality, and perhaps questioning her sexual identity. 

I would not dismiss it as too "out there," again it's not uncommon in this day and age and her reaction to your disagreeing with her is too over the top imo.

Edited April 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

12 hours ago, ironpony said:

Sorry I took the link down.  I tried posting a link to past thread but the lake will not take one there for some reason.

Basically, her friend is transitioning from a woman into a man, and in a conversation she asked me if I would ever date a transwoman, and I just said no as it's just not what I am biologically hard wired attracted to, and this really bothered her and still does from time to time.  Hope that explains it, but that's what the thread was about.

I understand just don't debate argue with her but she keeps bringing up the same disagreements which is annoying.

 

are you considering this question as testing you?  Vs just a topic of conversation?