Girlfriend disagreeing with me over different beliefs (merged thread)

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I'd say the relationship is 85 percent good at least.  Lots of fun and lots of intimacy.  

You mean lots of sex, right?  Might as well call it as it is.

In any event, agree with others, one issue after the other, and other and other. 

Sounds more like 85% bad and 15% good, just my take based on all the threads you've created complaining about issue after issue.

Keep in mind, fun and good sex are great but shouldn't take precedence over all the other issues you post about, which sound quite serious.

Just a suggestion but perhaps it would be better if you stopped posting so many negative threads, and simply enjoyed your relationship, the fun and sexual intimacy.

Focus on the good, not bad.

Again, just a suggestion.  I don't think creating so many negative threads is healthy, for you OR your relationship, jmo.

 

Edited February 10, 2022 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Again, just a suggestion.  I don't think creating so many negative threads is healthy, for you OR your relationship, jmo.

 

Good point here.  @ironpony no one is perfect so you have to consider what you're ok living with and what's a deal breaker for you. 

Also, people on here can give advice but we have blind spots, we don't know the entire picture, only what you tell us.  So advice given when we don't have the entire picture may not be as helpful as you think it is.  Most of these issues you should be figuring on your own.  We shouldn't be telling you how to essentially live your life (and I do see the irony in my comments).

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

she keep bringing to the fact that I am white or male if she is not lumping me in with racist people if she says she's not?

She is lumping you in with a lot of her social injustice warrior musings. According to her, you're transphobic, sexist and racist. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

Also do you think that maybe because I am autistic....

Your girlfriend hasn't thought this through.   I'm going to suggest that you being autistic removes any innate privilege you would receive on account of your skin colour and gender.  People with disability are vastly over represented in isolation, unemployement, poor housing options, medical, dental and mental health issues.  Specifically in your case, you require assistance to find work and (from what I understand) the work you do find does not pay sufficiently for you to be fully independent in terms of housing.  Your life is not what privilege looks like. 

With my background in disability and enthusiam for human rights, if I was in her presence, I would not leave this stone unturned. I'd press her to explain how someone who falls into a group who is so at risk of marginalisation could possibly be called privileged.   

Feel free to use my argument  

Edited February 10, 2022 by basil67

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Good point here.  @ironpony no one is perfect so you have to consider what you're ok living with and what's a deal breaker for you. 

Also, people on here can give advice but we have blind spots, we don't know the entire picture, only what you tell us.  So advice given when we don't have the entire picture may not be as helpful as you think it is.  Most of these issues you should be figuring on your own.  We shouldn't be telling you how to essentially live your life (and I do see the irony in my comments).

Well I am ok with taking the good with the bad and that she is not perfect and neither am I.

But as long as the things about me do not bother her later. 

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

She is lumping you in with a lot of her social injustice warrior musings. According to her, you're transphobic, sexist and racist. 

Well I feel she is ideologically biased rather than seeing a whole picture.  But if she keeps bring like this and it causes her to have problems with me how can I tell her that she is ideologically biased without getting defensive about it?

but also, even if she is, why can't we just agree to disagree or why does she have a problem with that?

Edited February 10, 2022 by ironpony

[lana-banana]

How is this coming up, exactly? Can you give us an example? Is she bringing this up all the time, or in response to comments you make that she perceives don't acknowledge a position of privilege?

It's plausible that you're making comments she finds offensive/upsetting, and because of the way you interact with others you're not aware of how those comments sound to other people.

[SingFish]

28 minutes ago, ironpony said:

But as long as the things about me do not bother her later. 

How far into the relationship are you? If it's committed or if it's still at the stage of exploring the things which irritate each other and then they'll be worked through ( or not ) 

[chillii]

Is she only 21 ? If so l thought you guys would be much older sorry. Given her age and the indigenous aspect on top of it which usually runs very deeply in most countries given history and all, it's making sense now. And atm her head is spinning with idealism's and what have you's too. Tell ya what your doing well considering ages and autism on top of it but you've got your hands full with that one.

 

Edited February 10, 2022 by chillii

[Foxhall]

have not read that much of the thread,

all Id say is personally I just let a lot of things in one ear and out the other and dont bother trying to analyse everything the person says.

[poppyfields]

xxxx

Edited February 10, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

@ironpony: don't sweat the small stuff. All these arguments are not even related to your relationship. There is a popular saying: do you want to be right or happy? Let it go. Just acknowledge you are privilege and you are in ways you don't even know yet.

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

@ironpony: don't sweat the small stuff. All these arguments are not even related to your relationship. There is a popular saying: do you want to be right or happy? Let it go. Just acknowledge you are privilege and you are in ways you don't even know yet.

but I thought I didn't acknowledge it and it still seems to bother her though. what am I doing wrong if she doesn't believe I acknowledge it enough or what is she looking for?

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, lana-banana said:

How is this coming up, exactly? Can you give us an example? Is she bringing this up all the time, or in response to comments you make that she perceives don't acknowledge a position of privilege?

It's plausible that you're making comments she finds offensive/upsetting, and because of the way you interact with others you're not aware of how those comments sound to other people.

Well this recent time it came up is here is the trucker convoy situation here in Canada where we live, and she said she is digusted how the police don't arrest them because they are white, and I just politely said that I don't think the police are not arresting them because of that but different reasons, but then she said I was I was being ignorant of the issue and she got kind of heated about it.

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, SingFish said:

How far into the relationship are you? If it's committed or if it's still at the stage of exploring the things which irritate each other and then they'll be worked through ( or not ) 

About 8-9 months. 

[ironpony]

2 minutes ago, ironpony said:

About 8-9 months. 

Way back when I started seeing her I feeling weird about how hot she was compared to other women I went out with. I wasn't used to being with a thin woman with a pretty face compared to the other woman I've dated and been with before. Do you think that if this doesn't work out from now and I should just go back to dating women with average faces that are overweight because the hotter a woman is, the more difficult she is going to be most likely?

[SingFish]

12 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Way back when I started seeing her I feeling weird about how hot she was compared to other women I went out with. I wasn't used to being with a thin woman with a pretty face compared to the other woman I've dated and been with before. Do you think that if this doesn't work out from now and I should just go back to dating women with average faces that are overweight because the hotter a woman is, the more difficult she is going to be most likely?

Huh, did you express any of this to her? It feels tactless to be comparing women or assigning them average to hot grades for looks! Maybe that's why she keeps pulling you up on 'pc' stuff?

 

[ironpony]

2 minutes ago, SingFish said:

Huh, did you express any of this to her? It feels tactless to be comparing women or assigning them average to hot grades for looks! Maybe that's why she keeps pulling you up on 'pc' stuff?

 

normally I don't assign that but I did occur to me based on how challenging she has been recently then maybe this is something I should go back to if it doesn't work out. I didn't tell her that

[salparadise]

45 minutes ago, ironpony said:

but I thought I didn't acknowledge it and it still seems to bother her though. what am I doing wrong if she doesn't believe I acknowledge it enough or what is she looking for?

If I were you, I'd hit the ball squarely back into her court by asking her to state specifically what she isn't happy about with respect to you being white. I'd preface that with a statement saying that you became who you are exactly the same way she did –– purely by accident of birth... and while you strive to understand her experience, and acknowledge your privilege, you aren't going to be ashamed or apologize for who you are... nor be held personally responsible for societies' Ills past or present. And that being said, specifically what can I do to help you resolve whatever dissonance or incongruity you have with respect to dating a white man who cares about the same things you do. 

My guess is that what she feels is generalized, immature, and it's probably a vague expectation that you apologize for being  white every time the topic or race arises. But of course she isn't going to admit to that, and probably isn't aware of it. So clearly setting your boundary and requiring her to be very specific might put it to rest. Or it might blow the whole thing up, but either way you will probably get past her vague snipping about your whiteness. Good luck.

PS: if you want a deep dive into the topic, listen to the podcast entitled, Seeing White.

 

Edited February 11, 2022 by salparadise

[ironpony]

4 minutes ago, salparadise said:

If I were you, I'd hit the ball squarely back into her court by asking her to state specifically what she isn't happy about with respect to you being white. I'd preface that with a statement saying that you became who you are exactly the same way she did –– purely by accident of birth... and while you strive to understand her experience, and acknowledge your privilege, you aren't going to be ashamed or apologize for who you are... nor be held personally responsible for societies' Ills past or present. And that being said, specifically what can I do to help you resolve whatever dissonance or incongruity you have with respect to dating a white man who cares about the same things you do. 

My guess is that what she feels ia generalized, and it's probably an expectation that you apologize for being who you are (white) every time the topic or race arises. But of course she isn't going to admit to it, and probably isn't aware of it. So clearly setting your boundaries and requiring her to be very specific might put it to rest. Or it might blow the whole thing up, but either way you will probably get past her vague snipping about your whiteness.

 

Well I felt like telling her if she has a problem dating a white male, maybe she would be happier dating non-white women.

[basil67]

33 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Well this recent time it came up is here is the trucker convoy situation here in Canada where we live, and she said she is digusted how the police don't arrest them because they are white, and I just politely said that I don't think the police are not arresting them because of that but different reasons, but then she said I was I was being ignorant of the issue and she got kind of heated about it.

Sounds like your girlfriend has some serious bias going on.  Unfortunately, there's no way to have a sensible discussion with someone who is heavily biased in one way or the other.   You're not going to be able to solve this one.   You will have to decide if it's something you can live with.

[ironpony]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sounds like your girlfriend has some serious bias going on.  Unfortunately, there's no way to have a sensible discussion with someone who is heavily biased in one way or the other.   You're not going to be able to solve this one.   You will have to decide if it's something you can live with.

I can live with it if she can so far.  But only as long as she is.

Edited February 11, 2022 by ironpony

[ShyViolet]

This is just the latest in a long, long list of problems with her that you have been posting about quite frequently.  She sounds very immature and exhausting.   It sounds like she nags you a lot and just picks fights over really dumb stuff.  This is only the latest example.  Most people wouldn't put up with this.  A relationship shouldn't have this many problems, and at a certain point it's time to stop complaining about the many problems and just end it.

[ironpony]

Do you think maybe it's difficult for to find quality relationships because I am autistic...

I feel like after several failed attempts maybe I can just destined to only get sex for the rest of my life but a functional relationship may be out of the question.  Could that be likely in my condition?

[poppyfields]

37 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I can live with it if she can so far.  

Why?  Because of the sex?   I hope this doesn’t offend you, but do you think you might be a sex addict?  Serious question.

Reason I ask is because sex seems to be a major theme in many of your threads in one form or another and also the reason, admittedly, why you remain in this toxic and dysfunctional relationship with a girlfriend who is constantly complaining about you.

I could understand if this were a strictly FWB situation but you view this as an exclusive committed relationship, you say you “love” her but there are so many issues.  I cannot even count the number of threads you have created about your girlfriend's complaints about you.

I am sorry ironpony, but fun and good sex does NOT an exclusive committed relationship make.

Besides fun and good sex, what’s in this for you?

It sounds exhausting, humiliating and deflating.

But hey, the sex is good, so…..

You remain which is your choice, I am just wondering if you might be addicted to the sex and it’s blinding you to the toxicity of it all.

No judgment if you are, it happens.  As long as you recognize it and seek help in navigating it so as to make better decisions for yourself that would be healthier for you in the long term.

This relationship isn't.

 

Edited February 11, 2022 by poppyfields