Girlfriend disagreeing with me over different beliefs (merged thread)

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I thought maybe we should cool for a few days first?

You're missing the point. 

It's frankly completely ridiculous that she picked a fight over this to begin with. Imagine how she will react when you are faced with real challenges that affect you directly. This is all over some unlikely hypothetical scenario. 

She is far too immature for the type of relationship you want. 

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

Her friend was going to get a surgery related to the type of conversation but I cannot recall, what caused to ask if I would have sex with a person who had had such a surgery particularly.  I haven't asked why yet cause I thought maybe we should cool for a few days first?

As you said you would never sleep with a trans person, she now believes you are "transphobic" and because she is personally involved with a friend who is transitioning, it is a big deal to her.
You are on one side of the hot debate and she is on the other.

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

Her friend was going to get a surgery related to the type of conversation but I cannot recall, what caused to ask if I would have sex with a person who had had such a surgery particularly.  I haven't asked why yet cause I thought maybe we should cool for a few days first?

Don't bring it up again. She's already shifted the focus to her meds, so maybe you won't have to deal with it again. However, you should probably decide how you will respond if she brings it up again. I think your previous answer was fine, but you may want to soften the delivery, or sidestep the sleep-with aspect, if you have to address it again.

[ironpony]

5 hours ago, salparadise said:

Don't bring it up again. She's already shifted the focus to her meds, so maybe you won't have to deal with it again. However, you should probably decide how you will respond if she brings it up again. I think your previous answer was fine, but you may want to soften the delivery, or sidestep the sleep-with aspect, if you have to address it again.

Oh okay thanks.  I didn't think my delivery was hard at all though, when she asked me though.  I just answered the question in a polite, modest, friendly way, or so I thought.

[ironpony]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

As you said you would never sleep with a trans person, she now believes you are "transphobic" and because she is personally involved with a friend who is transitioning, it is a big deal to her.
You are on one side of the hot debate and she is on the other.

But I didn't think of it as taking an opposite side at all.  I am not trying to influence or sabotage her friend in anyway, and I am not going to sleep with her friend or anyone else.  I am going to be with my gf and only her, so I don't see why this was an issue for her.  I didn't do anything to tell her friend what she should do, etc?

Edited September 27, 2021 by ironpony

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, ironpony said:

But I don't think I am any side or should have to take a side.  I am not trying to influence or sabotage her friend in anyway, and I am not going to sleep with her friend or anyone else.  I am going to be with my gf and only her, so I don't see why this was an issue for her.  I didn't do anything to tell her friend what she should do, etc.

To some the trans debate is deadly serious, if you are not with them, you are against them, there is no in between...
I personally do not think from what you say you said anything wrong, but if she was just trying to pick a fight then had you said yes you would sleep with a trans woman
you may still have ended up in the doghouse...

[ironpony]

I don't think she was trying to pick a fight, it's just that she was more surprised by reaction, and then got kind of stand-offish about it.  I tried talking to her about it politely, and just said that as an anology, I don't like Indian food, but that doesn't mean that I am against Indian people at all, just because the food is not my type of food.  But she didn't agree with that analogy it seemed, but I was just trying to be fair and have a fair view of things.

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, ironpony said:

Her friend was going to get a surgery related to the type of conversation but I cannot recall, what caused to ask if I would have sex with a person who had had such a surgery particularly.  I haven't asked why yet cause I thought maybe we should cool for a few days first?

Yes, she seemed to have taken it personally.

You don't understand why a tiny occurrence elicited such a large emotion.

That's her if she dislikes it. Just different.

She has no right to say whether or not your reaction is "justifiable," and you have no right to choose which of her experiences are valid.

You don't have to agree on everything, but I'm not sure how your relationship can survive if you can't see find common ground or if you get the idea that you don't genuinely "get" one other.

 

 

[ironpony]

Are you saying we should just agree to disagree?

[Alpacalia]

Further disagreement on this matter would be unnecessary.

It does not mean that you are giving in, but rather that you are allowing yourself to let go of some things while maintaining that your response was perfectly valid.

Edited September 28, 2021 by Alpaca

[SumGuy]

13 hours ago, ironpony said:

Are you saying we should just agree to disagree?

Not even sure what there is to disagree about.  Think her and her friend would be the first to say that ones gender identity and sexual preference is not a choice.  Men who are turned on by other men are not "choosing" it, nor am I "choosing" to be turned on by women.  

Realize you could be missing something completely here, something else in your answer that put her off.

Sure meds, and multiple ones at that, and ones that impact hormone levels can cause mood swings.  Certainly talk to a doctor but one can also educate themselves with that little piece of paper that comes with the meds, called the product insert.  It will list the side effects, at least the most common ones.  Good news is if she lost it you can likely find it on-line or even contact the drug company for one.  Of course no substitute for talking to ones doctor.

[poppyfields]

@ironpony I realize you've had sex but is it possible SHE herself is transgender? 

If she's had the sex reassignment surgery, you might not be able to tell, BUT nevertheless her sensitivity and over-reaction could be because she herself is transgender.

And now that you've told her you would never have sex with a transgendered person, she doesn't know how to tell you.

Just a thought, her reaction is way too over the top for not having it hit so close to home on some level anyway.

Her friend?  That shouldn't warrant such an over-reaction imo.

Have you asked her why your response angered her so much?

 

Edited September 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[ironpony]

17 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Not even sure what there is to disagree about.  Think her and her friend would be the first to say that ones gender identity and sexual preference is not a choice.  Men who are turned on by other men are not "choosing" it, nor am I "choosing" to be turned on by women.  

Realize you could be missing something completely here, something else in your answer that put her off.

Sure meds, and multiple ones at that, and ones that impact hormone levels can cause mood swings.  Certainly talk to a doctor but one can also educate themselves with that little piece of paper that comes with the meds, called the product insert.  It will list the side effects, at least the most common ones.  Good news is if she lost it you can likely find it on-line or even contact the drug company for one.  Of course no substitute for talking to ones doctor.

Oh well the doctor told her to cut her medication in half and try that so she will see how that goes.

[ironpony]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@ironpony I realize you've had sex but is it possible SHE herself is transgender? 

If she's had the sex reassignment surgery, you might not be able to tell, BUT nevertheless her sensitivity and over-reaction could be because she herself is transgender.

And now that you've told her you would never have sex with a transgendered person, she doesn't know how to tell you.

Just a thought, her reaction is way too over the top for not having it hit so close to home on some level anyway.

Her friend?  That shouldn't warrant such an over-reaction imo.

Have you asked her why your response angered her so much?

 

She said it was because that is just what she believed and used her friend as an example.  As for finding out if she is trans herself, how would I find out of she's not going to tell me?  Is there a way I can find out, so if she is, then maybe I can see her side of it more?

Edited September 29, 2021 by ironpony

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, ironpony said:

She said it was because that is just what she believed and used her friend as an example.  As for finding out if she is trans herself, how would I find out of she's not going to tell me?  Is there a way I can find out, so if she is, then maybe I can see her side of it more?

I thought she was on the Pill, as prescribed by her doctor. 

Why would she take hormonal contraceptive if she is trans and therefore is not at risk of becoming pregnant? A doctor would not prescribe it needlessly. 

If she is actually taking the pill, I think you can safely assume that she herself is  not transgender. 

[ironpony]

That's true, unless she faked it to keep up appearances of not being trans?  But I am only going by the notion that was mentioned here before, that she may be.  My friend also said the same thing that she might be after the strong reaction, but I am only going by others saying this, when I suggest things, like maybe she was taking it to keep up appearances, but just speaking hypothetically.

But I also considered that maybe she reacted strongly because she is trans, but did not have any surgery though, if that could be the case, which is why she reacted strongly?

Edited September 29, 2021 by ironpony

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, ironpony said:

That's true, unless she faked it to keep up appearances of not being trans?  But I am only going by the notion that was mentioned here before, that she may be.  My friend also said the same thing that she might be after the strong reaction, but I am only going by others saying this, when I suggest things, like maybe she was taking it to keep up appearances, but just speaking hypothetically.

But I also considered that maybe she reacted strongly because she is trans, but did not have any surgery though, if that could be the case, which is why she reacted strongly?

Why are you going down this rabbit shole? First it's a drunken argument and now she's transexual?

Stop. Just stop. Either you like this young woman and respect her and get along or you end it.

The wild theories and assumptions won't help you. How insulting to her that all of a sudden she's transsexual because of a drunken overly politically correct argument? 

She was talking about a friend and the discussion went sideways because you both drank too much. It's that simple.

Try to respect people. It helps you respect yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, many doctors perform a pelvic exam prior to prescribing birth control pills. 

She can't "fake" that to a doctor, even if she'd have sex-reassignment surgery. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

But I also considered that maybe she reacted strongly because she is trans, but did not have any surgery though, if that could be the case, which is why she reacted strongly?

You've constantly referred to your partner as "girlfriend" and "she" so clearly she identifies as female.  Therefore if she was trans, she'd be trans-female.  And without surgery, she'd have a penis.   I think you'd know if she had a penis.

This whole idea of your partner being trans is bizarre.  It was just a stupid argument fuelled by alcohol.   Let it go. 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

My friend also said the same thing that she might be after the strong reaction....

But I also considered that maybe she reacted strongly because she is trans....

^^Her being trans herself isn't some "wild theory" or "bizarre," just something else to consider, that's all. A possibilty. 

What IS bizarre is her anger and otherwise strong reaction.  

You know her, your friend knows her, your thoughts about this aren't occurring in a vacuum.

People DO transition and yes they will do and say things to cover if they are uncomfortable sharing that info with a new partner.  Including being on the pill, etc. 

If you've had sex, obviously you'd know whether or not she had the reassignment surgery.

If she did have the reassignment surgery, not sure how you could tell, there are many trans-females who actually look and act more feminine than women born female! 

My advice is talk to her, communicate in an open, non-accusatory manner. 

Create an environment wherein she feels safe discussing any issue with you (without fear of judgment) including this issue if she feels so inclined.  Do not directly ask, do not push it.  

I am NOT saying she is trans! 

But to ignore the possibility and shove under the carpet won't resolve anything and fosters an environment of secrecy and distrust. 

Same holds true for any other issues that arise that result in anger and conflict.  

Communicate. 

Edited September 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

What IS bizarre is her anger and otherwise strong reaction.  

Her asking the question in the first place was also bizarre.

I mean, if my boyfriend asked me if I'd ever have sex with a transgendered person, you better believe my wheels would be spinning!  

Anyone's would be, this is not a typical standard question one asks a new partner. 

Again NOT saying she is, only that it's possible. 

 

Edited September 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Again NOT saying she is, only that it's possible.

If this woman has a monthly menstrual cycle, she is not transgendered.

Based on the fact she is on birth control pills (as pointed out by @ExpatInItaly), she is NOT trans.

[ironpony]

11 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

If this woman has a monthly menstrual cycle, she is not transgendered.

Based on the fact she is on birth control pills (as pointed out by @ExpatInItaly), she is NOT trans.

Oh yeah she has a menstrual cycle and she says she is on the pill.

I don't think she's trans most likely, it was just suggested on here that she might be so I was responding to the possibility of it based on statements on here.

Edited September 29, 2021 by ironpony

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

If this woman has a monthly menstrual cycle, she is not transgendered.

Based on the fact she is on birth control pills (as pointed out by @ExpatInItaly), she is NOT trans.

We only have her word on that, could be a cover, not uncommon especially re something as sensitive as this. 

You and others might be right, or not.  The only person who knows for sure is her. 

Not saying she IS, but I wouldn't rule anything out.

JMO.

 

Edited September 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh yeah she has a menstrual cycle...

Then your girlfriend is a true woman.

There is no way for doctors to duplicate a monthly menstrual cycle with sexual reassignment surgery.