Author ironpony Posted February 10, 2022 Author Share Posted February 10, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, introverted1 said: She sounds exhausting, and completely unable to empathise with or even recognize your issues. Are you sure this is what you want for your life? Well after she talked with me about these things and got frustrated she would then start crying and apologize and say she was overreacting, and she is just bothered by issues in society but apologize for acting that way towards me. So I guess she is concerned about how she is acting if she cries and apologizes after? But also, I know I can be difficult too, especially in past relationships and I am not perfect, so I guess I felt that if she can accept some of my difficulties, perhaps I can hers as well? Edited February 10, 2022 by ironpony Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 The point is that she's even creating relationship problems about these things to begin with. It's ridiculous. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 10, 2022 Author Share Posted February 10, 2022 7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: The point is that she's even creating relationship problems about these things to begin with. It's ridiculous. I can set boundaries then, but how should I exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 (edited) 16 minutes ago, ironpony said: Well after she talked with me about these things and got frustrated she would then start crying and apologize and say she was overreacting, and she is just bothered by issues in society but apologize for acting that way towards me. So I guess she is concerned about how she is acting if she cries and apologizes after? But also, I know I can be difficult too, especially in past relationships and I am not perfect, so I guess I felt that if she can accept some of my difficulties, perhaps I can hers as well? So I would say some of this is possibly due to her youth; she's in her 20s I think? But more important, accepting your partner means truly accepting them, not complaining and criticising followed by crying and apologising. Acceptance just is. ETA: The comment about only dating within her race being regressive makes it sound as though this is indeed what she would prefer, but she is concerned about the optics of doing do. That's not a recipe for a successful relationship. Edited February 10, 2022 by introverted1 added thoughts Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 10, 2022 Author Share Posted February 10, 2022 4 minutes ago, introverted1 said: So I would say some of this is possibly due to her youth; she's in her 20s I think? But more important, accepting your partner means truly accepting them, not complaining and criticising followed by crying and apologising. Acceptance just is. ETA: The comment about only dating within her race being regressive makes it sound as though this is indeed what she would prefer, but she is concerned about the optics of doing do. That's not a recipe for a successful relationship. Oh okay, what do you mean exactly, when you say the optics of doing so? Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 (edited) 6 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh okay, what do you mean exactly, when you say the optics of doing so? I am just going by what you have related so my take is colored by that. But when you tell us this: Quote I just told her look, if you have a problem dating someone who is white, then you can just leave me if you like and date someone else. But then she responds by saying, she doesn't want to do that, as that would regressive on her part, to just date certain races. It sounds like her reason for not wanting to date exclusively within her race is how it would look to others. She seems more concerned about how she'd be perceived for wanting to date within her race, than genuinely not caring about race. All of which would make me question (if I were you) whether she is with me because she loves me or if I am a token of progressiveness. Edited February 10, 2022 by introverted1 typo 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 10, 2022 Author Share Posted February 10, 2022 Oh but I mean I think we live in a world where people do not care if you date within your own race generally, so I don't know what concerns she would have there, unless I am missing something? Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 (edited) 4 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh but I mean I think we live in a world where people do not care if you date within your own race generally, so I don't know what concerns she would have there, unless I am missing something? Well, this is only partially true, I think. For certain groups, it is generally accepted that you can choose to date within your own race or culture. But for other groups, not so much. I don't want to take this discussion into politics, but it is just not as cut-and-dried as you are thinking. Further, and more to the point, it seems that in your gf's case, it is very important to her that she be perceived as a progressive person, which she defines (in part) as someone who is willing to date outside her own race. Yet, this does not seem to be how she feels deep down (again, basing this on the example you shared, which may or may not tell the whole story). So her dating preferences are at odds with her desire to be seen as a progressive person. This is causing dissonance in her and may be at the root of why she gets so upset with you about certain things. Edited February 10, 2022 by introverted1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 10, 2022 Author Share Posted February 10, 2022 (edited) Oh okay. But if she feels like she doesn't want to date non-white people deep down, where is that feeling coming from or why is that likely? Like she wants me to be non-racist, which is good, but IF she also has preferences herself, so isn't this kind of contradictory or a double standard? Edited February 10, 2022 by ironpony Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 35 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh okay. But if she feels like she doesn't want to date non-white people deep down, where is that feeling coming from or why is that likely? Like she wants me to be non-racist, which is good, but IF she also has preferences herself, so isn't this kind of contradictory or a double standard? Yes. Hence why she has dissonance. What she believes (intellectually) and what she feels (emotionally) are not in agreement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 1 hour ago, ironpony said: It's not every five minutes, it's more like once every couple of weeks for a bit here. Usually it wasn't a big deal, but the last two times more so I found it got really annoying more so. She is indigenous American, but also has some white in her as well. Which box does she check when they ask for race? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 8 hours ago, ironpony said: Well it's just that we have a good time and lots of laughs usually and I have never had so much fun with someone, Then just be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Coasting1991 Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 OP, your GF is 21 correct? I have some friends from her generation. I've noticed that they are much more aware and vocal about the injustices of our society in day to day life, and quicker to call people out for not doing the same. I think you should have a conversation about how you feel about the topic, what she expects of you, and then make decision based on whether you two can reach some kind of compromise based off of her expectations vs. yours. It sounds like social justice/awareness is a pretty big topic for her, so this may be a deal breaker. There's nothing wrong with having your partner challenge your world views, but constant badgering about it isn't healthy either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 (edited) @ironpony 2 hours ago, ironpony said: Oh I think what she meant was she doesn't want to just stick to dating one race only, as she felt that would that be close minded I think she meant, if that makes sense. Oh. I thought she'd have dated you because she likes you. But, this is where her head is at. She sounds like a young girl going through a period of self-discovery, projecting her current stage of ideology onto you, and you're caught in the middle of the hurricane. Her focus and decision-making is not rooted in your relationship but all these external factors. Since you want to continue with her, then I think establishing boundaries is what you need to do. As in, don't talk about these topics with her. These topics just bring up pointless stress in relationship and the fights that occur from them have nothing to do with your relationship, the way she's been treating you, or the way you've been treating her. She's flipping out a couple of times a month over them and it's stressing you out as an example. That's not okay. And that's what I think you should tell her. From there, if she continues to coerce you into the next pressing social issue, you can try a ridiculously exaggerated sarcastic remark that you know would make her laugh or piss her off, to try and discourage the conversation. After awhile, she might desensitize to it and chill. If she wants to talk about this stuff, she can vent to someone else. There are plenty of groups out there to discuss these issues with. Tons of people online as well. But bottom line, if she's got a problem with your boundaries, she can take a hike. - Beach Edited February 10, 2022 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SingFish Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 50 minutes ago, Coasting1991 said: OP, your GF is 21 correct? I have some friends from her generation. I've noticed that they are much more aware and vocal about the injustices of our society in day to day life, and quicker to call people out for not doing the same. I think everyone struggles these days with this.How far do we speak out/let things go syndrome... I mean a white person automatically has 'white privilege' so the only way to avoid the issue is not date white people? As for transgendered, well that's a preference. If I don't fancy transgendered men or women that doesn't make me prejudiced. Some people just like arguing! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 10, 2022 Author Share Posted February 10, 2022 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: Then just be friends. Oh it's just the fun we have together is rooted in romantic activities though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 10, 2022 Author Share Posted February 10, 2022 58 minutes ago, Beachead said: @ironpony Oh. I thought she'd have dated you because she likes you. But, this is where her head is at. She sounds like a young girl going through a period of self-discovery, projecting her current stage of ideology onto you, and you're caught in the middle of the hurricane. Her focus and decision-making is not rooted in your relationship but all these external factors. Since you want to continue with her, then I think establishing boundaries is what you need to do. As in, don't talk about these topics with her. These topics just bring up pointless stress in relationship and the fights that occur from them have nothing to do with your relationship, the way she's been treating you, or the way you've been treating her. She's flipping out a couple of times a month over them and it's stressing you out as an example. That's not okay. And that's what I think you should tell her. From there, if she continues to coerce you into the next pressing social issue, you can try a ridiculously exaggerated sarcastic remark that you know would make her laugh or piss her off, to try and discourage the conversation. After awhile, she might desensitize to it and chill. If she wants to talk about this stuff, she can vent to someone else. There are plenty of groups out there to discuss these issues with. Tons of people online as well. But bottom line, if she's got a problem with your boundaries, she can take a hike. - Beach Well I did tell her that their is always going by to be injustice in the world but neither he or I are Ghandi or Che Guevara, so what does she expect of me really. Also why does she keep bringing to the fact that I am white or male if she is not lumping me in with racist people if she says she's not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 I don't think there's anything actually WRONG - certainly not with being "white" and not really with being lucky enough to be "privileged" either. You are not personally responsible for shaping society, and while you certainly can and should attempt to improve it by making it fairer for everyone, people as a whole tend to work at cross-purposes with each other and so there is only so much one person (even one in a true position of power) can reasonably do (without become a tyrant). Overall, I'd say don't let people guilt trip you over being fortunate enough to be born into some reasonable amount of security in life. IF you happen to be white and privileged, remember that there are those who've had it rougher (and in some cases a LOT rougher) in life. I think it's important to recognize and respect that fact, and do what you can to see the perspectives they might be coming from. There are certainly those who "don't seem to get that" unfortunately. I've met a few of those myself over the years and certainly you can see lots of it looking at those who grandstand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 10, 2022 Author Share Posted February 10, 2022 Also do you think that maybe because I am autistic that relationships are too difficult for me since they never work out and I should just accept the fact that I am probably good at getting sex only as result and should just leave at that, rather than trying to think that women want a relationship without drama ad a result? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 10, 2022 Author Share Posted February 10, 2022 2 minutes ago, mark clemson said: I don't think there's anything actually WRONG - certainly not with being "white" and not really with being lucky enough to be "privileged" either. You are not personally responsible for shaping society, and while you certainly can and should attempt to improve it by making it fairer for everyone, people as a whole tend to work at cross-purposes with each other and so there is only so much one person (even one in a true position of power) can reasonably do (without become a tyrant). Overall, I'd say don't let people guilt trip you over being fortunate enough to be born into some reasonable amount of security in life. IF you happen to be white and privileged, remember that there are those who've had it rougher (and in some cases a LOT rougher) in life. I think it's important to recognize and respect that fact, and do what you can to see the perspectives they might be coming from. There are certainly those who "don't seem to get that" unfortunately. I've met a few of those myself over the years and certainly you can see lots of it looking at those who grandstand. Ok it's just I don't see what I am doing for her to think otherwise of me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 Not sure. You can ask her what specifically she says as an issue. Make sure to filter any responses/suggestions through your own sense of what's reasonable. (Probably you won't need to, but mentioning just in case.) If just "being white" is a problem, well there's no fixing that...🙂 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 (edited) 44 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh it's just the fun we have together is rooted in romantic activities though. I would just tell her to shut it if she still wants to hang out. seriously what is fun about someone that wants to argue. Edited February 10, 2022 by smackie9 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: You are forever opening new threads on problems with your girlfriend, IP. Her psycho ex, your eating and sleeping habits, her being offended that you wouldn't want to sleep with a transgendered person, your sex drives being mismatched, you not being active enough...and now this. This relationship sounds exhausting and miserable. So what do I think? I think you need to break up and move on. It's not working, at all. I have to agree. @ironpony what are you getting out of this relationship besides physical intimacy (I hope)? It seems to be a different issue every time I log on. A good partner should add to your life, not be a liability. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 10, 2022 Author Share Posted February 10, 2022 43 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: I have to agree. @ironpony what are you getting out of this relationship besides physical intimacy (I hope)? It seems to be a different issue every time I log on. A good partner should add to your life, not be a liability. I'd say the relationship is 85 percent good at least. Lots of fun and lots of intimacy. Just other certain things come for the other 15 percent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SingFish Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 Only you can decide if the good things outweigh the annoyances @ironpony Good luck whatever you do. Link to post Share on other sites
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