Kindle500 Posted February 9, 2022 Posted February 9, 2022 Hi I've been dating a woman for close to 3 months, it's going ok. We have some differences that give me doubts, but I still want to keep getting to know the person. In short, I am not "in love" with her, but we have been still trying to get to now each other. And it's been exclusive. We are going to dinner, and for a gift I got her a special edition of a book that she wanted, as well as a scented candle (which she likes as well), and a card with no words from me like "love." Though my therapist told me that I don't need to give a card, that the gifts were enough. A colleague of mine challenged me and told me that I probably don't like her. That at this point I should "love" her or have stronger feelings for her.
central Posted February 9, 2022 Posted February 9, 2022 You feel how you feel. If you don't feel love by around 6 months, it's unlikely to happen. As you say, it's early days, but a lot depends on how much you see each other. For me, I'd probably be feeling strongly by 3 months, or seriously thinking about moving on - unless we hadn't seen each other much. But, everyone is different in how fast things move along in relationships. Has she said she loves you, yet? It's possible that your colleague is somewhat correct, though - maybe you like her, but don't love her, at least not yet. Anyway, I'd also skip the card as it doesn't send the right message, IMO.
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2022 Posted February 9, 2022 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Kindle500 said: I am not "in love" with her, but we have been still trying to get to now each other. And it's been exclusive. We are going to dinner, and for a gift I got her a special edition of a book that she wanted, as well as a scented candle .A colleague of mine challenged me and told me that I probably don't like her. After 12 weeks dating and having sex it would be cruel not to do something for Vday. However 12 weeks is a long time to string someone along you have limited feelings for. Edited February 9, 2022 by Wiseman2
glows Posted February 9, 2022 Posted February 9, 2022 1 hour ago, Kindle500 said: Hi I've been dating a woman for close to 3 months, it's going ok. We have some differences that give me doubts, but I still want to keep getting to know the person. In short, I am not "in love" with her, but we have been still trying to get to now each other. And it's been exclusive. We are going to dinner, and for a gift I got her a special edition of a book that she wanted, as well as a scented candle (which she likes as well), and a card with no words from me like "love." Though my therapist told me that I don't need to give a card, that the gifts were enough. A colleague of mine challenged me and told me that I probably don't like her. That at this point I should "love" her or have stronger feelings for her. What are these differences that give you doubts? The gifts are ok. It's a little much personally. The book alone would have been fine. Why do you care what your colleague thinks?
Author Kindle500 Posted February 9, 2022 Author Posted February 9, 2022 (edited) 24 minutes ago, glows said: What are these differences that give you doubts? The gifts are ok. It's a little much personally. The book alone would have been fine. Why do you care what your colleague thinks? OK, then I will go with the book only. I thought so myself. It's something she told me she really wanted, it was a special edition. In terms of my colleague yeah I mean I guess she got into my head and made it seem like if I don't "love" her by now there is an issue. None of us have said "I Love you." And we both decided to take it slow. The differences are mostly minor, she likes Marvel movies, I like old movies. I am 12 years her Senior. However there is ONE main issue. In these 3 months I have discovered that she CAN drink more than I am comfortable with. I would get drunk calls from her, or she would drink text me on a Friday night, or even on a random Tuesday night. I spoke with her about how I didn't like this behavior. She owned up to it and stopped. However, I have seen that drinking is big with her family and friends. I hung out with her and her friends once and I couldn't believe how drinking was a topic. I found it boring. So at that point I suggested that we slow down because quite frankly her drinking freaks me out. She has never been abusive or anything like that, and she stopped with the drunk dialing and texting.... but it made me take pause a bit. "Who am I getting involved with here exactly?" So I have seen another side to her that doesn't mesh with me, and I told her so. But she told me that she can watch how much she drinks. So I have to see. That's why my feelings got quelled a bit, I became kind of guarded and want to slow down. Otherwise, she's a sweet woman who is very kind, sensible, polite, a big reader, and creative. I was actually surprised by her drunk behavior as she comes off a bit as an introvert, like me. Edited February 9, 2022 by Kindle500
smackie9 Posted February 9, 2022 Posted February 9, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Kindle500 said: Hi I've been dating a woman for close to 3 months, it's going ok. We have some differences that give me doubts, but I still want to keep getting to know the person. In short, I am not "in love" with her, but we have been still trying to get to now each other. And it's been exclusive. We are going to dinner, and for a gift I got her a special edition of a book that she wanted, as well as a scented candle (which she likes as well), and a card with no words from me like "love." Though my therapist told me that I don't need to give a card, that the gifts were enough. A colleague of mine challenged me and told me that I probably don't like her. That at this point I should "love" her or have stronger feelings for her. There are Valentine cards that are sexual/funny in nature and nothing about love. There are generic cards that just say be my Valentine, etc. You can also write your own words in a blank card. Plenty of those on the shelf. Edited February 9, 2022 by smackie9
glows Posted February 9, 2022 Posted February 9, 2022 20 minutes ago, Kindle500 said: OK, then I will go with the book only. I thought so myself. It's something she told me she really wanted, it was a special edition. In terms of my colleague yeah I mean I guess she got into my head and made it seem like if I don't "love" her by now there is an issue. None of us have said "I Love you." And we both decided to take it slow. The differences are mostly minor, she likes Marvel movies, I like old movies. I am 12 years her Senior. However there is ONE main issue. In these 3 months I have discovered that she CAN drink more than I am comfortable with. I would get drunk calls from her, or she would drink text me on a Friday night, or even on a random Tuesday night. I spoke with her about how I didn't like this behavior. She owned up to it and stopped. However, I have seen that drinking is big with her family and friends. I hung out with her and her friends once and I couldn't believe how drinking was a topic. I found it boring. So at that point I suggested that we slow down because quite frankly her drinking freaks me out. She has never been abusive or anything like that, and she stopped with the drunk dialing and texting.... but it made me take pause a bit. "Who am I getting involved with here exactly?" So I have seen another side to her that doesn't mesh with me, and I told her so. But she told me that she can watch how much she drinks. So I have to see. That's why my feelings got quelled a bit, I became kind of guarded and want to slow down. Otherwise, she's a sweet woman who is very kind, sensible, polite, a big reader, and creative. I was actually surprised by her drunk behavior as she comes off a bit as an introvert, like me. Unfortunately (or fortunately) a person's friends and family are a package deal. It's only three months so I'd be wary if you are guarded or disagree with lifestyle choices. Almost every one of us has encountered a difference in lifestyle choices when it comes to dating or partnerships. She may leave out information or censor herself while around you but it doesn't change her outlook or her lifestyle, her family, her friends or how she wishes to live her life. This is something she is of course entitled to do (make her own choices). You're 12 years older so there are bound to be some differences. I think the choice in movies is more superficial but the drinking recreationally or socially or dependence on it in social settings may be an issue. Whether you give her the candle and card also is up to you. A lot of people (usually women) like that kind of thing. I'm not into it but may be a minority. Use your own judgment on that but don't drag your feet on this if she's not really matching you emotionally or intellectually.
Alpacalia Posted February 9, 2022 Posted February 9, 2022 Not all loves comes roaring in like a lion. The bigger issue is the drinking. Rather than taking on the role of trying to modify that behavior either accept it or find someone that doesn't drink.
Author Kindle500 Posted February 9, 2022 Author Posted February 9, 2022 41 minutes ago, glows said: Unfortunately (or fortunately) a person's friends and family are a package deal. It's only three months so I'd be wary if you are guarded or disagree with lifestyle choices. Almost every one of us has encountered a difference in lifestyle choices when it comes to dating or partnerships. She may leave out information or censor herself while around you but it doesn't change her outlook or her lifestyle, her family, her friends or how she wishes to live her life. This is something she is of course entitled to do (make her own choices). You're 12 years older so there are bound to be some differences. I think the choice in movies is more superficial but the drinking recreationally or socially or dependence on it in social settings may be an issue. Whether you give her the candle and card also is up to you. A lot of people (usually women) like that kind of thing. I'm not into it but may be a minority. Use your own judgment on that but don't drag your feet on this if she's not really matching you emotionally or intellectually. Thanks for the inputs. I am not a big Valentine's day person... it's just a day to me. But I get celebrating it. All considered, the book that she really wanted, along with dinner, is just fine. I even expressed to her not to give me a gift as I don't need a Valentine's gift. Her company is just fine. But I guess I told my colleague this and she looked at it as I'm not really into her, she said "it's your first valentine's day and you seem not into it."" ..... but as I have expressed Valentine's day is no big deal to me, and yes considering the issues mention I am willing to celebrate with her, we have been dating afterall. Yes, the drinking is an issue. I drink too....but I know when to stop. The first time I got a a drunk text from her I was confused, I thought someone had stolen her phone and started texting me random nonsense. So that took me aback. I ignored it at first until i could no longer and talked with her about it. She stopped. She's a very calm person and we are able to deal with issues respectfully. She has great qualities, she's supported me as I have a neurological condition which makes it hard for me to swallow foods. As for the drinking, it gives me anxiety. When we are alone she's never got drunk. But if she is at her home, or with her siblings, or at a gathering then she drinks too much. I went with her to a party and she was slurring her words by the end of the night. I get it, it's a party, but considering the other things i have experienced it gave me pause. Hence my doubts and deciding to slow it down. She is aware with how i feel about it all. Everything is super clear. I shall see.
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2022 Posted February 9, 2022 1 hour ago, Kindle500 said: In these 3 months I have discovered that she CAN drink more than I am comfortable with. I would get drunk calls from her. I hung out with her and her friends once and I couldn't believe how drinking was a topic. So at that point I suggested that we slow down because quite frankly her drinking freaks me out. She's too young and immature for you and you see this by her more partygirl behaviors. You're simply not compatible. She may be nice, but stringing her along, knowing the drinking/immature behaviors are deal breakers is going to hurt one of you in the long run. 1
smackie9 Posted February 9, 2022 Posted February 9, 2022 I dunno, she seems receptive to your concerns and is making an effort so far. Everyone does some adapting when in a new relationship. If she's willing, that should show you how she feels about you.
Author Kindle500 Posted February 9, 2022 Author Posted February 9, 2022 43 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I dunno, she seems receptive to your concerns and is making an effort so far. Everyone does some adapting when in a new relationship. If she's willing, that should show you how she feels about you. She is definitely receptive and gives me all the space I need to talk, I have to give her credit. I don't mind if she drinks, but it's to what extent. Once in a while, getting tipsey is OK. But when I see a pattern it's cause for concern. The drunk texts and calls gave me allot of pause and concern, but I told her how they made me feel and she owned up to it and stopped doing so. But still I have my reservation up a bit, and it did change the way I see her a little in terms of compatibility. When i am with people who can't control their drinking it just gives me anxiety
glows Posted February 9, 2022 Posted February 9, 2022 3 hours ago, Kindle500 said: Thanks for the inputs. I am not a big Valentine's day person... it's just a day to me. But I get celebrating it. All considered, the book that she really wanted, along with dinner, is just fine. I even expressed to her not to give me a gift as I don't need a Valentine's gift. Her company is just fine. But I guess I told my colleague this and she looked at it as I'm not really into her, she said "it's your first valentine's day and you seem not into it."" ..... but as I have expressed Valentine's day is no big deal to me, and yes considering the issues mention I am willing to celebrate with her, we have been dating afterall. Yes, the drinking is an issue. I drink too....but I know when to stop. The first time I got a a drunk text from her I was confused, I thought someone had stolen her phone and started texting me random nonsense. So that took me aback. I ignored it at first until i could no longer and talked with her about it. She stopped. She's a very calm person and we are able to deal with issues respectfully. She has great qualities, she's supported me as I have a neurological condition which makes it hard for me to swallow foods. As for the drinking, it gives me anxiety. When we are alone she's never got drunk. But if she is at her home, or with her siblings, or at a gathering then she drinks too much. I went with her to a party and she was slurring her words by the end of the night. I get it, it's a party, but considering the other things i have experienced it gave me pause. Hence my doubts and deciding to slow it down. She is aware with how i feel about it all. Everything is super clear. I shall see. She stopped behaving that way though so I think that warrants some credit to her. She has acknowledged that it's something that bothers you and changed. Not many people can change so quickly like that as habits take time to break. She seems very aware of what she's doing and most of all, capable of care for you and change in herself. Her drinking socially is her choice so you'll have to respect that about her instead of judging her all the time for doing it. That's her lifestyle choice, as I would call it. If it continues to trigger your anxiety or bring out the worst in you and a lot of uneasiness, end this. Your colleague while well-meaning doesn't seem to know you and so her judgment is off. Leave out personal details about your love life while at work. Or if people ask, keep it bland, no details and non-descript. "It'll be a quiet evening. How about you?" is my go to response for holidays or Vday questions even if I am seeing someone. I don't answer with any details whatsoever and turn the question around. Don't get into any details about your personal life at work. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted February 10, 2022 Posted February 10, 2022 You're wasting time. If you're not in love by three months, what do you think will happen: a lightning bolt? No, you are ambivalent. The relationship is going nowhere. Cut and get out asap. Days like Valentine's are why you want to date with some seriousness. Your partner if she really likes you is going to want to interpret any gift as a sign that you DO love her. See the problem? 2
BaileyB Posted February 10, 2022 Posted February 10, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, Kindle500 said: A colleague of mine challenged me and told me that I probably don't like her. That at this point I should "love" her or have stronger feelings for her. Not when you’ve been dating for close to three months. You should feel like you like the woman and want to get to know here more - but you don’t have to feel like you love her or that she is “the one.” Those are very thoughtful gifts BTW. Well done! I’m sure she will love them. Edited February 10, 2022 by BaileyB 2
Alvi Posted February 10, 2022 Posted February 10, 2022 6 hours ago, Kindle500 said: But if she is at her home, or with her siblings, or at a gathering then she drinks too much. I wonder what it would be like for you if you actually started living together. Do you want to have kids. And if so, would you consider her to be a good mother. Just something to contemplate if you want to stay with her. Not saying she is a bad person, but she might be not the right one for you.
Alpacalia Posted February 10, 2022 Posted February 10, 2022 (edited) It's not necessary for you to be in love with her just yet, because everyone's journey unfolds at their own pace. Love isn't some thing that depends upon parameters like time. What are your fears, do you suffer from confidence in yourself, do you doubt that you deserve a good partner? Holidays and gifts are nice and thoughtful gestures, but they can't whitewash your concerns. You know what you want from your future partner, and if you haven't thought about it yet, start thinking about it. Then you'll understand why you can't fall in love with her. Start by communicating how your feelings for each other are developing over time. Share your concerns. One part of falling in love is sharing how you're feeling inside. Edited February 10, 2022 by Alpaca
ShyViolet Posted February 10, 2022 Posted February 10, 2022 Three months into a relationship should be the honeymoon phase. You don't have to necessarily know that you're "in love" with the person or that you will be with them forever, but three months should at least be a time where you're excited about the relationship. You sound very lukewarm and ambivalent about this relationship. You already say that you're having "doubts." This relationship sounds like it's going nowhere and I just don't think you should string this woman along. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2022 Posted February 10, 2022 1 hour ago, ShyViolet said: You don't have to necessarily know that you're "in love" with the person or that you will be with them forever, but three months should at least be a time where you're excited about the relationship. You sound very lukewarm and ambivalent about this relationship. This is my take on it as well. I think you know this isn't the right woman for you, OP. 2
Wiseman2 Posted February 10, 2022 Posted February 10, 2022 11 hours ago, Kindle500 said: When i am with people who can't control their drinking it just gives me anxiety Unfortunately you're incompatible and know that as well as having little respect for her. Not to mention you don't even care that much for her. While it's wrong to get drunk this much or annoy people with drunk dials, it's just as wrong to use people and string them along.
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