180 U-turn. What happened?

[savannahtree]

Hiya,

I mentioned this in a previous post about the same girl but wanted to make a new post to get some views.

I had a great third date with this girl (23 yo). She invited me back after dinner. Everything was as intimate as it had been on the second date (she had stopped over mine after we were out). She instigated holding hands walking back from dinner and we could barely keep our hands off each other. Conversation was great all night, same as it had been on the first two dates.

When we slept, she was in my arms the whole time. Lots of sleepy kisses, all the good stuff. We were like magnets in the morning and everything seemed great. She was so affectionate and I genuinely thought she really liked me because of how she has been with her body language and language generally. She even told me she thought I was really pretty and nice...

Planning a fourth date, I asked her if there were any films she wanted to see. She suggested one so we said we'd see it on Thursday and she said she would love that.

Yesterday she messaged out the blue asking if I wanted to go to some galleries or hang out but I was seeing my band mate (who is a girl and a very close friend) and had a house viewing, but said I was free on the evening and suggested getting dinner. She said she'd love that. She ended up cancelling a little later, saying she had to get some work done for this morning, but she said Thursday was still good and asked how the viewing was.

I sent her a short voice note yesterday evening saying about the house viewing and that the film we were going to see wasn't showing anymore at the cinema we planned to go to, so suggested going to another or that I could download the film, cook dinner and watch it at my flat. I said if we did that then Wednesday would be better because I'd have the flat to myself.

Then today she just messaged saying that she's been feeling really confused because she thinks I'm great and loves hanging out but isn't sure if this is right for her.

It feels like a total U-turn! I have no idea what could have changed since her wanting to meet yesterday and her feeling this way today. 

Seemed to be going so well and she was so romantic and affectionate, so it's taken me by surprise, especially as she suggested doing something yesterday.

I don't know if she's been dating others, maybe, we met on an app but still, it all seemed so positive. 

I replied to her earlier saying I felt a bit confused about it all too. I genuinely have. I like her and I liked how it was going but the level of affection so soon has been a little strange, but hey I like an affectionate girl!

I asked her if she wants to talk and said it's a bit odd that she suggested doing something yesterday but now feels like this.

Do you think the voice note suggesting the film at mine was overkill? We've both stopped round each others' already so it shouldn't have been.

I guess you never know what someone's truly feeling.

I'll update when/ if she replies.

Feeling a bit meh!

Edited February 7, 2022 by savannahtree

[Mrin]

Hey OP: is/was this a same sex relationship?

[savannahtree]

1 minute ago, Mrin said:

Hey OP: is/was this a same sex relationship?

Nope, I'm 28 yo male, she's 23 yo female.

[ccas93]

who knows, could have been too intense too soon for her. or maybe she was really physically attracted to you but had doubts about compatibility in some way or another. You could ask, or you can just say hey, if you ever change your mind, you have my phone #, and then start talking and dating others. It's only been a few dates, at least you haven't gotten seriously invested in each other. 

[smackie9]

There's someone else like an ex or some prospect that resurfaced. Or something was said or done that turned her off. That's happened to me. Guy gets too clingy or he says something that totally deflates the attraction. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, savannahtree said:

Hiya,

I mentioned this in a previous post about the same girl but wanted to make a new post to get some views.

I had a great third date with this girl (23 yo). She invited me back after dinner. Everything was as intimate as it had been on the second date (she had stopped over mine after we were out). She instigated holding hands walking back from dinner and we could barely keep our hands off each other. Conversation was great all night, same as it had been on the first two dates.

When we slept, she was in my arms the whole time. Lots of sleepy kisses, all the good stuff. We were like magnets in the morning and everything seemed great. She was so affectionate and I genuinely thought she really liked me because of how she has been with her body language and language generally. She even told me she thought I was really pretty and nice...

Planning a fourth date, I asked her if there were any films she wanted to see. She suggested one so we said we'd see it on Thursday and she said she would love that.

Yesterday she messaged out the blue asking if I wanted to go to some galleries or hang out but I was seeing my band mate (who is a girl and a very close friend) and had a house viewing, but said I was free on the evening and suggested getting dinner. She said she'd love that. She ended up cancelling a little later, saying she had to get some work done for this morning, but she said Thursday was still good and asked how the viewing was.

I sent her a short voice note yesterday evening saying about the house viewing and that the film we were going to see wasn't showing anymore at the cinema we planned to go to, so suggested going to another or that I could download the film, cook dinner and watch it at my flat. I said if we did that then Wednesday would be better because I'd have the flat to myself.

Then today she just messaged saying that she's been feeling really confused because she thinks I'm great and loves hanging out but isn't sure if this is right for her.

It feels like a total U-turn! I have no idea what could have changed since her wanting to meet yesterday and her feeling this way today. 

Seemed to be going so well and she was so romantic and affectionate, so it's taken me by surprise, especially as she suggested doing something yesterday.

I don't know if she's been dating others, maybe, we met on an app but still, it all seemed so positive. 

I replied to her earlier saying I felt a bit confused about it all too. I genuinely have. I like her and I liked how it was going but the level of affection so soon has been a little strange, but hey I like an affectionate girl!

I asked her if she wants to talk and said it's a bit odd that she suggested doing something yesterday but now feels like this.

Do you think the voice note suggesting the film at mine was overkill? We've both stopped round each others' already so it shouldn't have been.

I guess you never know what someone's truly feeling.

I'll update when/ if she replies.

Feeling a bit meh!

I don't think there's anything wrong with your voice note. 

Since you've already asked if she would like to talk with you a bit more, wait for her to respond. 

Are you relocating or looking for a place?  

[Mrin]

Another person in the mix or what @smackie9 said.

[savannahtree]

9 hours ago, smackie9 said:

There's someone else like an ex or some prospect that resurfaced. Or something was said or done that turned her off. That's happened to me. Guy gets too clingy or he says something that totally deflates the attraction. 

I definitely don't think I've been clingy. On the contrary it's felt like she's been more clingy and I've been reciprocal to that, which is why I'm so confused that she's suddenly said this. 

Out of interest, what kind of things has a guy said to you that deflates the attraction?

Very possible that another prospect has popped up or resurfaced. I'm fine with that, that's the dating game.

[savannahtree]

9 hours ago, glows said:

I don't think there's anything wrong with your voice note. 

Since you've already asked if she would like to talk with you a bit more, wait for her to respond. 

Are you relocating or looking for a place?  

Yeah hopefully she responds.

I'm just relocating in the city. Ironically I'll be relocating closer to her (not because of her, it's just how things are playing out).

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, savannahtree said:

  I could download the film, cook dinner and watch it at my flat. I said if we did that then Wednesday would be better because I'd have the flat to myself.

Most likely someone else. However next time, avoid this type of date suggestion too often and too soon.

Women sort of recoil from netflix and chill dates especially this early on and after you slept together, she may think that's all you're driving at.

 

[smackie9]

6 hours ago, savannahtree said:

I definitely don't think I've been clingy. On the contrary it's felt like she's been more clingy and I've been reciprocal to that, which is why I'm so confused that she's suddenly said this. 

Out of interest, what kind of things has a guy said to you that deflates the attraction?

Very possible that another prospect has popped up or resurfaced. I'm fine with that, that's the dating game.

This one sticks out the most: I just met this guy, chemistry was cracklin between us, had him over at my house, thinking maybe some action...then all of a sudden he starts talking about his sad and lonely childhood. I'm like what da f? Killed the attraction instantly. Talk about a mood killer. Never saw him again. 

Edited February 8, 2022 by smackie9

[Calmandfocused]

She called you “pretty” and you’re a guy?  [scratches head ]. What does a pretty man look like out of interest? 
 

Anyway that comment stood out as odd to me. Sounds like something a woman would say to a female friend.

It was nothing in relation to the voice note in my opinion. Not unless you said something completely bizarre. 
 

Unfortunately these changes of heart in the early dating stages happens all the time. It often doesn’t make sense, however be thankful it happened now sooner than later. 
 

Time to move on. 

[savannahtree]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Most likely someone else. However next time, avoid this type of date suggestion too often and too soon.

Women sort of recoil from netflix and chill dates especially this early on and after you slept together, she may think that's all you're driving at.

 

I really wish I didn't suggest it. It was pretty genuine though, given that the film we wanted to see wasn't playing at the cinema we said we'd go to. I wonder if things would be different had I not said it. 

[ShyViolet]

This is someone who you've only been on 3 dates with.  There could be so many different reasons for this, but try not to over-analyze this.  Ultimately the reason doesn't matter and you will probably never find out the exact reason.

[savannahtree]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

This one sticks out the most: I just met this guy, chemistry was cracklin between us, had him over at my house, thinking maybe some action...then all of a sudden he starts talking about his sad and lonely childhood. I'm like what da f? Killed the attraction instantly. Talk about a mood killer. Never saw him again. 

Well I can safely say nothing so personal came out my mouth with her, though on the topic of childhoods, I did say that I find the concept of nostalgia quite fascinating and that it would be good to be a kid again... but that was just my opinion on the topic we were talking about.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, savannahtree said:

I really wish I didn't suggest it.I wonder if things would be different had I not said it. 

Doubtful it was something you did/didn't do. Not an abrupt 180 like this. More like an ex came back, met some, etc.

Besides, if it were meant to work you really could have suggested just about anything. But do scale back on netflix/chill on the first couple of dates, keep that for the future..

Edited February 8, 2022 by Wiseman2

[savannahtree]

12 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

She called you “pretty” and you’re a guy?  [scratches head ]. What does a pretty man look like out of interest? 
 

Anyway that comment stood out as odd to me. Sounds like something a woman would say to a female friend.

It was nothing in relation to the voice note in my opinion. Not unless you said something completely bizarre. 
 

Unfortunately these changes of heart in the early dating stages happens all the time. It often doesn’t make sense, however be thankful it happened now sooner than later. 
 

Time to move on. 

Like me apparently...

I don't know. I didn't think much of it but took it as a compliment and at face value. She bombarded me with "you're so pretty, I love your nose, you're really nice" after we'd slept with each other.

I thought it was quite a nice thing to say!

Nothing bizarre in the voice note, just answered a question she asked and suggested a film at mine for our next date because the film wasn't in the cinema anymore. All under a minute. Thought it was a cute idea but might have backfired  

[Sun Seeker]

Definitely sounds like there is someone else in the picture. Not much you can do about that, sometimes it happens.

Just drop her a message saying you really enjoyed hanging out with her too and if she ever wants to hang out again with a bit of fun added to the mix, no expectations, to message you. Might as well try to salvage a FWB setup, nothing to lose.

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, savannahtree said:

I really wish I didn't suggest it. It was pretty genuine though, given that the film we wanted to see wasn't playing at the cinema we said we'd go to. I wonder if things would be different had I not said it. 

I very much doubt a woman (in this case her) who was highly attracted to you would become turned off because you asked her to watch a film with you and/or cook her dinner at yours.  You have already been sexually intimate so an invite back to yours shouldn't have been something that would put her off.

It could be anything, another man, fear of relationships, or she could simply be fickle which at 23 years of age, is not unusual.

In any event, I really like what Sun Seeker proposed saying in his post.  It reflects you're not bitter or jaded and it shows a lot of class.

7 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

Just drop her a message saying you really enjoyed hanging out with her too and if she ever wants to hang out again with a bit of fun added to the mix, no expectations, to message you.

 

[savannahtree]

21 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

Definitely sounds like there is someone else in the picture. Not much you can do about that, sometimes it happens.

Just drop her a message saying you really enjoyed hanging out with her too and if she ever wants to hang out again with a bit of fun added to the mix, no expectations, to message you. Might as well try to salvage a FWB setup, nothing to lose.

 

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I very much doubt a woman (in this case her) who was highly attracted to you would become turned off because you asked her to watch a film with you and/or cook her dinner at yours.  You have already been sexually intimate so an invite back to yours shouldn't have been something that would put her off.

It could be anything, another man, fear of relationships, or she could simply be fickle which at 23 years of age, is not unusual.

In any event, I really like what Sun Seeker proposed saying in his post.  It reflects you're not bitter or jaded and it shows a lot of class.

 

 

Yeah I may do if she replies to my previous message, which it doesn't look like she's going to...  

 

 

[Alpacalia]

I would advise against proposing a FWB.

That can come across as pretty offensive.

Not to mention incredibly tacky, creepy and just outright awkward.

There are a number of reasons she might have caved. You may have missed some clues or something was said or she may have been unaware of her brain/emotions clicking along, deciding that things weren't as good after all. This is difficult to judge after three dates. It seems that things started off fairly casually; perhaps she has grown a bit tired of "casual." Not that that's entirely your own doing. Sounds like you both had equal footing in that.

[glows]

13 hours ago, savannahtree said:

Yeah hopefully she responds.

I'm just relocating in the city. Ironically I'll be relocating closer to her (not because of her, it's just how things are playing out).

Someone moving would be cause for me to step back and slow it down but not stop seeing that person depending on their living situation. The person is in the midst of a transition of some sort. Focus on your move and give her time to respond. If she's not interested, that leaves you more time to enjoy your new home with new company. 

[Beachead]

OP,

I'd just let this one go.  Reserve your energy and emotions for someone who's serious, assuming that's the type of person you want.

People take precaution not to screw up, something they want, by leaving no room for doubt.  If they can't make a date, they reschedule and they show up.  If they can't talk to you right now, they'll offer to call you later and they'll call.  If they got some issues, they'll communicate so not to leave you in the dark and give you a reason to doubt them.  

This girl changed on you, and she hasn't told you why.  Tbh, in this situation, I don't even think it matters why.  It just matters that she did.   It means, she's not ready to be with you.  

If she wants to make it work with you later on, she'll have to initiate and put the work in.  

Respect yourself first and foremost

- Beach

Edited February 9, 2022 by Beachead