Struggling with making plans with guy. no matter whose fault, it's still frustrating

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

I had/have been seeing this guy. We cannot seem to connect, and I am just feeling a lot of frustration. It's not always his fault. Sometimes it's mine. But...still, I can't help but feel he's just not trying very hard.

We haven't seen each other in a while. He went out of town to visit family for about a week after Christmas, and then I was out of town for a few days around New Year. So...it just didn't work out.

About a month ago, he asked me out for a morning date. Unfortunately, I had a mid-morning class. By the time I would have been done with the class, cleaned up, and gotten to where he was... it would have been almost noon. Plus, I had something planned for 5 that evening, so it would have been a lot of driving around only to have to turn right around and drive home. I suggested the next day, but he couldn't do that.

Then, about 3 weeks ago, he asked about getting together on MLK day, but I had to work. BUT...I was going to be in his city for a meeting that Tuesday, so I told him maybe we could get together that day instead. He tentatively agreed, but said it really depended how late he was caught up with work, and with them being off MLK day, he figured they would probably work a longer day. I completely understood. But, what frustrated me, was when I texted him that Tuesday, he simply didn't respond. He could have at least told me that he was swamped with work, it wasn't going to work out....nope. He just ignored me. This upset me. Not that he was busy.

Fast forward to last weekend. I spoke to him early Sunday morning, asked how his weekend had been, and he indicated to me that he hadn't gotten as much done as he had wanted to, that he had a lot to catch up on. I let him know too bad, that I was thinking maybe we could get together for a bit. So, he asked me if it was okay if it was a quick date...maybe just dinner. Well, I declined for a couple of reasons, which led to a bit of a fight. 1) He said he was behind on getting things done, so I felt like I was being responsible and supportive by allowing him the time to get his stuff done. 2) It's been a little while since we've seen each other, and I didn't really want some quick date....and to be frank, it was a little hurtful that he didn't mind making quick work of our re-uniting. (though I didn't tell him that) Well he was upset, because according to him, he was really looking forward to it. And, he didn't like that I made the decision for him. I should have left it up to him to decide how to spend his time. Like I said, there was some friction over that, but things seemed to be fine by Sunday night, we talked Monday at length, and all seemed normal.

Fast forward to this weekend. He asked me a couple of days ago about getting together today. Which, unfortunately, I had to decline, as I had plans, which is true. I had plans most of the day. However, I did let him know I was available Monday-Weds if he was available either of those days. He didn't really respond but rather changed the subject. So...I wanted to make sure I was perfectly clear. He has been telling me about some landmarks he has wanted to visit. So, I said, "Hey when are we going to go visit that landmark and get something good to eat?" He asked me which landmark, because he had mentioned multiple. So, I replied a little bit flirty: "You pick the landmark, I'll pick the food." An hour and a half later, he responded "Ok" and that was IT. I wasn't particularly impressed by that, so I didn't really feel the need to escalate the conversation further. He hasn't really talked to me since.

I'm at the end of my rope. I know he asked me out a few times, and it hasn't worked out for whatever reason. So, even if I try to discuss with him how upset I am with him for his part of the situation, he could just turn it back around on me. If I were to say, "Do you even want to see me anymore?" he could easily say, "Hey you just turned down my most recent date suggestion." I suppose it's possible he is upset, though I really don't know why he would be. I suggested a raincheck. I made it clear I'd like to see him. Even if he was disappointed that today didn't work out, I don't know why he'd be MAD at me.

I don't really know how to act if/when he reaches out. The emotional side of me wants to just tell him off. Tell him off for not replying 3 weeks ago. Tell him off for showing no interest in the landmark/dinner situation I suggested. Tell him off for just falling off the face of the earth for the last couple of days. I know I should probably play it cool, be sweet and happy-go-lucky. No big deal.

Should I write it the whole thing off and pull the plug on this whole situation?

[ccas93]

nah don't be sweet or happy go lucky. just move on and never text him again. maybe just write him a message telling him you're done with it and going to move on. it doesn't sound like you're going to get what you want with this guy, and I'm surprised you're even still dealing with him.

[Ami1uwant]

It’s obvious your schedules aren’t matching

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I know I should probably play it cool, be sweet and happy-go-lucky.

Where did you get this idea?

You don't need to pretend to be fine with this. You just need to read between the lines that he's not very interested. I would bow out and move on, and stop trying to make it work when you seem to be the only one trying to find time to do so. A relationship will never work when one person is just squeezing the other in, or flat-out ignores their attempts at contact. 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

...I was going to be in his city for a meeting that Tuesday, so I told him maybe we could get together that day instead. 

How long have you been talking/ dating? Have you met in person yet?

Is this a distance situation? You both seem too busy and/or disorganized to date. There also seems to be very limited interest in making time for this.

Keep in mind you're both still talking to and meeting others. Perhaps meet  local men that fit into your hectic schedule.

Cut your losses and move forward to date people you're more interested in and willing to make time for, rather than shooting down almost every suggestion they propose, like in this situation.

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been talking/ dating? Have you met in person yet?

Is this a distance situation? You both seem too busy and/or disorganized to date. There also seems to be very limited interest in making time for this.

Keep in mind you're both still talking to and meeting others. Perhaps meet  local men that fit into your hectic schedule.

Cut your losses and move forward to date people you're more interested in and willing to make time for, rather than shooting down almost every suggestion they propose, like in this situation.

About 4-5 months. Yes, we have had several dates prior to this, so yes, we've met in person. 

Yes, I think it's fair to say it's partially a distance situation. I say partially because we live about 90 minutes from each other. So...I don't consider it something that is an unreasonable distance. That said....for example, the morning date he had suggested....like I said, I had a class...now, had we been in the same city, it would have been much easier to make it work after my class. So anyway....I do think distance does play a part, in that it would be much simpler to make getting together work. 

I live in a small town, with very few prospects. Finding local men is probably not going to happen. So, unfortunately, distance is going to be an issue, no matter what. Now, maybe I will get lucky and find someone 20-30 minutes away. But, the nearest large population areas are 60-90 minutes away. So, when I do go on the apps, law of averages, most of the men I find are farther away. But, yes, I am still trying to talk to and meet others. 

I don't mean to come across as shooting down every suggestion. I am sure it comes across that way. It's just unfortunately the way things have been. I have been free probably 6 out of the last 8 Sundays...it's just that this was one of the few I wasn't. But, everytime I am unavailable, I always offer alternatives. I always try for a raincheck. It's not like I just turn it down cold. 

 

[clia]

1 hour ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

About 4-5 months. Yes, we have had several dates prior to this, so yes, we've met in person. 

Yes, I think it's fair to say it's partially a distance situation. I say partially because we live about 90 minutes from each other.

Several dates in 4-5 months, you live 90 minutes away from each other, and neither one of you seems particularly motivated to see the other.  Pull the plug.  This is going nowhere.  

[stillafool]

You know he's dating other people don't you and so should you.  I imagine that is another reason he's so busy and playing catch up.  I think I would try to find someone closer who is more available to you.

[glows]

You both seem very busy overall and it’s not working. Your location is also not working for you. Has he ever driven out to see you your way? Or are most of the times you’ve seen each other you driving out to see him? 

I get the sense that you’re very much wanting to keep seeing him but things aren’t what you hoped.

I think you’re frustrated with the minimal prospects in your town and that you live in a smaller city. It’s reasonable to expect to meet people in a wider radius but it also means you likely aren’t ideal dating material for people out of town either. While you live 90min away, someone in that neighbouring larger town can meet many people within a 15min geographical radius. You’re at a disadvantage and the likelihood of you being shafted to the bottom of someone’s priorities is higher. Frankly I’d move once your stint in this town is done as the location isn’t working for you. It’s unlikely anyone outside of town will want to date you regularly because you’re so far out. It’s not to say it’s impossible but you’ll spend more time in situations like this. 

Regarding this particular man, of course end it. You both met a handful of times and almost got into a fight because you disagreed. He’s probably as annoyed about the situation as you are but has more options closer to him. If he texts you again, thank him for the time you spent together and tell him you’re not a match. Wish him the best and find someone else who is either more free or works less, has a more flexible schedule and doesn’t mind the commute. Make sure you’re not the one always doing the driving either. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

About 4-5 months. we live about 90 minutes from each other

It's hard to develop a relationship with a 3 hour round trip. The logistics don't seem to be working here at all. Even after 5 mos., you're both still conflicted over the logistics. It doesn't sound like you alternate spending entire weekends together to even make the drive worthwhile.

Date more locally, you may have to be patient and not waste time on improbable situations like this while closer opportunities pass you by. Furthermore, where could this even go? Unless one of you will be relocating very shortly to the other's location.

[smackie9]

It's not a match. Me personally wouldn't have tolerated this passed the 3 week mark. 

[ShyViolet]

15 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

 

Should I write it the whole thing off and pull the plug on this whole situation?

Yes, absolutely.  It shouldn't be this difficult to date someone.  I'm getting the impression that he lives far away from you.  You said you would be "in his city" to see him.  This is a big reason why it doesn't make sense to date people who live far away.  It's a complete waste of time and it makes it much more logistically difficult to see each other.  Date people who are in your local area so you aren't wasting so much energy trying to figure out how to make plans with them.