Spicydicey449 Posted February 6, 2022 Posted February 6, 2022 So, I'm 26, about 4 months ago met and dated this guy (Also 26). We got along great immediately and basically have seen each other almost every day since. Its for sure the healthiest and most honest dynamic I've been in. He is really a friend to me and I feel safe and comfortable with him. I know he genuinely cares about me too. Sad news, as of tonight we (sort of?) split. He said a week or so back he came across some pictures of him and his ex and was more affected than he thought he would be. He told me this tonight (while crying) and said he knows it isn't fair and that he can't hold up a relationship like this. So we agreed to take a week and talk next weekend. I genuinely care about this guy and really really don't want to lose him. Also to note, I don't think the risk is him going BACK to his ex,.just needing time to process emotions. Because she kind of never left him alone after their breakup. So it makes sense I suppose. But is taking a week and talking a good plan or am I stupid and just need to move on now?
glows Posted February 6, 2022 Posted February 6, 2022 Is he still in contact with his ex? I’m referring to your line about her not leaving him alone after their break up. I think you already know that’s not an ideal way to process a break up. He lacks boundaries with his ex and that’s a problem with him. He cannot control what his ex does but he can control himself and his own actions. He doesn’t seem to be doing so very well and it’s affecting his new relationship with you. I would think twice about continuing to date a man whose priorities are elsewhere.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 6, 2022 Posted February 6, 2022 34 minutes ago, Spicydicey449 said: He said a week or so back he came across some pictures of him and his ex and was more affected than he thought he would be. He told me this tonight (while crying) and said he knows it isn't fair and that he can't hold up a relationship like this. He's trying to end this, OP. Talking next week isn't going to change the fact that he still has feelings for his ex and evidently has not moved on. I would not continue dating him, as he's not in the right headspace for another woman at this point. It's disappointing, but he's already out the door and trying to be gentle about it with you. Time to move along. 3
Author Spicydicey449 Posted February 6, 2022 Author Posted February 6, 2022 32 minutes ago, glows said: Is he still in contact with his ex? I’m referring to your line about her not leaving him alone after their break up. I think you already know that’s not an ideal way to process a break up. He lacks boundaries with his ex and that’s a problem with him. He cannot control what his ex does but he can control himself and his own actions. He doesn’t seem to be doing so very well and it’s affecting his new relationship with you. I would think twice about continuing to date a man whose priorities are elsewhere. He has her blocked but she still has showed up at his house a couple times while we were together. He told her to leave and never let her in. I don't think he had poor boundaries, she was just very determined. They'd been split for several months before he and I met. I'd been out of a relationship for a similar amount of time as well.
glows Posted February 6, 2022 Posted February 6, 2022 15 minutes ago, Spicydicey449 said: He has her blocked but she still has showed up at his house a couple times while we were together. He told her to leave and never let her in. I don't think he had poor boundaries, she was just very determined. They'd been split for several months before he and I met. I'd been out of a relationship for a similar amount of time as well. And what are your thoughts about him coming across pictures of her? 1
Author Spicydicey449 Posted February 6, 2022 Author Posted February 6, 2022 30 minutes ago, glows said: And what are your thoughts about him coming across pictures of her? I do believe it was accidentally. I honestly don't believe he's been hiding this stuff from me. And I know pictures are always of the good times, not of the bad times. So I feel like it's not abnormal to have some confusing feelings stirred up. I think (hope) that's all it was and that he just needs a little bit to clear his head again. 1
glows Posted February 6, 2022 Posted February 6, 2022 1 minute ago, Spicydicey449 said: I do believe it was accidentally. I honestly don't believe he's been hiding this stuff from me. And I know pictures are always of the good times, not of the bad times. So I feel like it's not abnormal to have some confusing feelings stirred up. I think (hope) that's all it was and that he just needs a little bit to clear his head again. All you can do is wait and see. He has however already broken up with you. Is that registering for you? He basically said he can’t continue a relationship. Considering the magnitude of denial and/or misunderstanding (if he is indeed telling you the whole truth) involving his ex showing up to his house unannounced and him ending your relationship based on photographs he couldn’t handle seeing, the likelihood of this resolving in one week is a slim chance. Processing those level of emotions usually does not take one week. It takes much longer. I know you’re hoping for the most positive outcome and for you, it’s for him to reaffirm his feelings for you and tell you his past with his ex is resolved. You’re likely deeply hurt and trying to just make it to the next week. Be mindful and think for yourself too what’s best for you. The timeline is very unrealistic in terms of processing those emotions. If he does come back wanting to make up, be sure to draw some boundaries regarding exes.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 6, 2022 Posted February 6, 2022 25 minutes ago, Spicydicey449 said: I think (hope) that's all it was and that he just needs a little bit to clear his head again. But he tried to end it with you. I know it hurts, but he is signalling he wants out. 2
Wiseman2 Posted February 6, 2022 Posted February 6, 2022 4 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said: she still has showed up at his house a couple times while we were together. Run. Whatever their situation is, don't get stuck in the crossfire. 2
smackie9 Posted February 6, 2022 Posted February 6, 2022 (edited) 11 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said: He has her blocked but she still has showed up at his house a couple times while we were together. He told her to leave and never let her in. I don't think he had poor boundaries, she was just very determined. They'd been split for several months before he and I met. I'd been out of a relationship for a similar amount of time as well. This means there is still unfinished business and the amount of time that has passed since the end their relationship is meaningless. It's a tough call when you are already emotionally invested, but I say back out now while you can. You can say, once this thing with her is finally done, and she's completely out of your life, maybe can revisit seeing each other again. Edited February 6, 2022 by smackie9
Noproblem Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 Yes, you need to move on. Obviously he still loves her! Don't waste time and invest your feelings further, the fact he even told you is worisome. Like usually, it's an internal war and people would be oh do I love that person as much as my ex, or no.. but he told you he needs to find out. well you don't need him to find out now, and then after a year ask for another week to process his emotions. is he crying over his ex now. Like he loves her obviously, he just told you the feelings are not the same, so what are you holding on to?
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