What is the issue with women not like this first message? How was your day or weekend?

[Beachead]

@poppyfields

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I am not on line to entertain men who again are too lazy to think of an interesting first message.

Yes but how do you know it's laziness?

Some women don't care about the opening line.  Others do.  People are different and it's impossible to figure out who is who.

What if the women this guy had interacted with in the past, responded well to that simple message, so he assumed it would be okay to start with. What if the guy failed with someone else because he tried a creative line with her, but she found it corny, so he readjusts himself to be more conservative with you, because he thinks creative lines don't work, but you find his opener lazy, so you write him off as well.  All he had to do was be conservative with the previous girl or creative with you, and he probably would have succeeded..but he doesn't know that.  He just thinks, he's not good enough.  Maybe his approach is off.  Maybe he's unlovable or he just has bad luck.  Truth is, it's none of that and if a certain level of leeway and understanding was extended, a discovery amongst both people would have been made for a potentially great relationship.

Edited February 8, 2022 by Beachead

[Alpacalia]

It does really emphasize that everyone is different.

I had no idea that a question like "how was your weekend?" was considered intrusive or lazy enough where it would be listed as a "do not ask" me question on a profile.

You can use this question alongside other things from her profile to gain meaningful insights, show interest, and be honest and open.

I'm not sure, but do people feel obligated to give a fun and interesting response when someone asks how their weekend went?

Particularly when the person asking is sincere in wanting to know more than just "fine" or "it was fine/good."

I guess it's maybe a bit different with online if it's a first message. 

In which case, maybe something like “what was the best part of your week?” is better.

I wonder though, do some men take the time to message someone for the first time because they're inspired by their profile and think they've found someone truly wonderful and remarkable without any initial interaction or is it more likely that you're messaging a bunch of women at the same time (ha ha).

 

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, Beachead said:

but you find his opener lazy, so you write him off as well. 

You have to understand how many messages I receive daily, it's overwhelming.

So yes the messages with the standard "boilerplate" language (including "how was your weekend") that most likely get sent to everyone gets deleted.

That said, I DO acknowledge everyone is different, another woman may feel completely differently and respond.

What I posted is merely my own opinion.

Edited February 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

 

4 hours ago, Stret said:

I am one of those that included "please don't just write to say hi, what's up, but tell me something real about yourself" in their dating profile when I had it years ago. And most men did just that - sent me a boring message expecting me to make it interesting or to engage in pointless and waste of time exchange. At the same time, I really didn't like when people contacted me and had a well-tried and selected line, trying to hard to impress me as if life were a romantic movie. What I wanted is someone real, unpretentious, confident in being who they are, someone interesting but not forced into it... just a natural, relaxed person. 

But even that request, this expectation is forcing something isn't it?  If you were meeting someone in real life you wouldn't say tell me something real about yourself. 

The problem is this approach is beginning from a position of asymmetry, these guys have to prove something to you instead of it being a genuine interaction where two people are getting to know each other without any expectations beyond that.

The ironic thing is most courtships in real life start with that innocuous "hi, what's up" or something similar.  That's what I would say if I were being real and unpretentious but that's not good enough anymore.  I think the issue is not the greeting at all, but that these requests are out of frustration for not really seeing anything that you like in the men that approach you on a surface level.  If these were profiles of men that knocked your socks off it wouldn't matter what they messaged you.

I think women want the Mr. Right to be so apparent and so obvious through the approach but it takes a lot of hard work, a lot of dating and lot of patience, there aren't any shortcuts to beat the system.

Edited February 8, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

The ironic thing is most courtships in real life start with that innocuous "hi, what's up" or something similar.  That's what I would say if I were being real and unpretentious but that's not good enough anymore.  I think the issue is not the greeting at all, but that these requests are out of frustration for not really seeing anything that you like in the men that approach you on a surface level.  If these were profiles of men that knocked your socks off it wouldn't matter what they messaged you.

This is so true.

 

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

The ironic thing is most courtships in real life start with that innocuous "hi, what's up" or something similar.  That's what I would say if I were being real and unpretentious but that's not good enough anymore.

Did you read my first post?  Lol

Guy messaged "Hey poppy whattup"? and I thought it was hilarious!

I also liked his look and style from his profile BUT if he had messaged me the standard "Hey how was your weekend" I would not have responded.

I know it seems silly but it's the energy and I sensed good energy from the "whattup" guy. 

Hard to explain.

And you're right about meeting in real life. 

Would a man ever approach a woman for the first time and ask her how her weekend is, or was?  Or start jabbering on about himself? 

No, he'd say just what you said - hi, hey, whattup.

Maybe that's why I liked it, it was simple, unpretentious and real.

 

Edited February 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

It does raise an interesting point.

I think most women are messaged frequently online. 

When I did online dating if a profile or message didn't catch my eye then I just wouldn't respond.  So asking "how was your weekend?" is a nice way to show genuine interest in her weekend without bombarding her with some circus clown freaky message.

Again though, if she's using that as a disclaimer on her profile (i.e. "don't message me with x, y, or z), it's likely she's suffering from burnout and you probably should skip over those profiles.

 

Edited February 8, 2022 by Alpaca

[poppyfields]

You know in reading my.posts from yesterday I realized I contradicted myself, saying on one hand "how was your weekend" was lazy BUT yet I responded positively to "hey poppy whattup?" . 

Sorry about that.

Bottom line and so difficult if not impossible to explain, it may not be about the words they use at all but rather the energy behind the words.

I can feel it immediately from the very first message.  Or not.

Which is why I responded to the whattup guy.  I felt super good energy and I was right in that feeling as we are still chatting and having a great time!

I don't mean to make this thread about me, it's not my thread, but I think it's an important distinction. 

Not what you say in the message but rather how you say it, your energy, the recipient's energy and whether your energy/chemisry matches. 

Same as when you meet in real life. 

Just my take on it @IntBrowser, good luck. 

Edited February 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[flitzanu]

i don't disagree with others that it's a tad "rude" to list it on a profile as "don't ask me this" however, i perrsonally as a guy, hate that question.

how was your day?  i worked.  what do you think?

how was your weekend?  i didn't work.  and you're a stranger so unless i did something exciting, i'm not going to tell you how i sat on my couch for 2 days in my underwear and didn't shower.

asking something more specific seems better for convo, like, so what did you have for breakfast today?

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

i don't disagree with others that it's a tad "rude" to list it on a profile as "don't ask me this" however, i perrsonally as a guy, hate that question.

how was your day?  i worked.  what do you think?

how was your weekend?  i didn't work.  and you're a stranger so unless i did something exciting, i'm not going to tell you how i sat on my couch for 2 days in my underwear and didn't shower.

asking something more specific seems better for convo, like, so what did you have for breakfast today?

It's okay if it's because the day and weekend are boring.

We won't tell anyone.

Edited February 8, 2022 by Alpaca

[flitzanu]

21 hours ago, Alpaca said:

It's okay if it's because the day and weekend are boring.

We won't tell anyone.

me explaining my days usually involves a lot of nerd technology and words and people just lose interest and their eyes glaze over, i'm basically the worst at small talk 

[smackie9]

Women are like snow flakes, so do your best to make it personal to them. For me if I saw "I love cold beer and hot cars too! Lets talk!" would be fire. lol

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

me explaining my days usually involves a lot of nerd technology and words and people just lose interest and their eyes glaze over, i'm basically the worst at small talk 

See? It's a good question.

Now I know you like nerd technology in your underwear. 

[Stret]

On 2/8/2022 at 3:58 AM, dramafreezone said:

 

But even that request, this expectation is forcing something isn't it?  If you were meeting someone in real life you wouldn't say tell me something real about yourself. 

The problem is this approach is beginning from a position of asymmetry, these guys have to prove something to you instead of it being a genuine interaction where two people are getting to know each other without any expectations beyond that.

The ironic thing is most courtships in real life start with that innocuous "hi, what's up" or something similar.  That's what I would say if I were being real and unpretentious but that's not good enough anymore.  I think the issue is not the greeting at all, but that these requests are out of frustration for not really seeing anything that you like in the men that approach you on a surface level.  If these were profiles of men that knocked your socks off it wouldn't matter what they messaged you.

I think women want the Mr. Right to be so apparent and so obvious through the approach but it takes a lot of hard work, a lot of dating and lot of patience, there aren't any shortcuts to beat the system.

I disagree and will stick to my original "different strokes for different folks". The guys that attract my attention in real life are not those that come over and say "hi, how you doin'". That's just me. I have likes and dislikes, and so does everyone else. Guys that say "hi, what's up", are ok. They are just not compatible for me and my taste. 

 

 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, flitzanu said:

me explaining my days usually involves a lot of nerd technology and words and people just lose interest and their eyes glaze over, i'm basically the worst at small talk 

Successful small talk takes two.   If you tell someone what your weekend involves and you reply with something odd, there is still a whole lot they can respond with.   It's hard to give examples because you've generalised with the phrasing 'nerd technology', but if for example you were making the house automatic, they could ask ask about that and what you've done so far.  If you're a 'white hat' hacker, there is just so much conversation to be had....even if it starts with "I haven't heard of that before, what do you do?"

I do know what it's like because when people ask what I've been doing and I tell them I've been making a Victorian corset, they look at me and have no words. But I can think of so many responses that someone could make even if they know nothing about sewing or history  "Wow, how did you get into that?"  "Do you wear them?" "Are they hard to make?"   It's not your fault if someone can't hold up their end of the conversation after asking such an open ended question.

Using these examples, I think that someone who asks about your weekend should have the social skills to be able to run with even the most obscure answer.  And if they don't have those social skills, they'd be better off asking a more targeted question.

Edited February 9, 2022 by basil67
typo

[flitzanu]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Successful small talk takes two.   If you tell someone what your weekend involves and you reply with something odd, there is still a whole lot they can respond with.   It's hard to give examples because you've generalised with the phrasing 'nerd technology', but if for example you were making the house automatic, they could ask ask about that and what you've done so far.  If you're a 'white hat' hacker, there is just so much conversation to be had....even if it starts with "I haven't heard of that before, what do you do?"

I do know what it's like because when people ask what I've been doing and I tell them I've been making a Victorian corset, they look at me and have no words. But I can think of so many responses that someone could make even if they know nothing about sewing or history  "Wow, how did you get into that?"  "Do you wear them?" "Are they hard to make?"   It's not your fault if someone can't hold up their end of the conversation after asking such an open ended question.

Using these examples, I think that someone who asks about your weekend should have the social skills to be able to run with even the most obscure answer.  And if they don't have those social skills, they'd be better off asking a more targeted question.

fwiw, i'd be super fascinated for a girl to tell me she's working on a victorian corset.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 2/8/2022 at 2:13 PM, flitzanu said:

, i'm not going to tell you how i sat on my couch for 2 days in my underwear and didn't shower.

That would be a hilarious response. In fact it's better than whatever people are making up these days to sound better. 

Not everyone goes parachuting does winemaking builds houses and rescues animals every weekend.

So actually the "don't contact me if....." part is worse than whatever icebreaker you pick.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That would be a hilarious response. In fact it's better than whatever people are making up these days to sound better. 

Not everyone goes parachuting does winemaking builds houses and rescues animals every weekend.

So actually the "don't contact me if....." part is worse than whatever icebreaker you pick.

Agree.

I would love that response (someone sitting around in their knickers doing techie stuff) way more than "oh I flew my MiG-29 to London Friday evening for cheese and crackers with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle at Lulu Lee's Lulu La foie gras winery in St. Fresco. We enjoyed grapes and wine under the stars."