When should I ask her out? Working together on a project)

February 4, 2022

I met an attractive woman while on the job. I definitely want to ask her out but am unsure when to. I was assigned to make a short film on her career. After the interview, she invited me to film her playing guitar at home. She was in great spirits, smiling and laughing at my jokes, and a few times mentioned breaking up with her ex a few months ago. We both are musically inclined and have other similarities.

I was tempted to suggest we jam together sometime, however, I still need to film her once more, then edit the video together for her final approval. I don't want to be unprofessional and ask while the project is ongoing. I mentioned wanting to play music with someone again but she didn't follow up with any suggestion. It felt too soon to pop the question in that first encounter, so I think I'll wait until the video is done, then call her and invite her to get a coffee or play together. Does this make sense?

Edited February 4, 2022 by Scotty Riggs

February 4, 2022

5 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I was tempted to suggest we jam together sometime, however, I still need to film her once more, then edit the video together for her final approval. I don't want to be unprofessional and ask while the project is ongoing.

Yes wait until the project is over then suggest coffee/a drink.

February 4, 2022

36 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I met an attractive woman while on the job. I definitely want to ask her out but am unsure when to. I was assigned to make a short film on her career. After the interview, she invited me to film her playing guitar at home. She was in great spirits, smiling and laughing at my jokes, and a few times mentioned breaking up with her ex a few months ago. We both are musically inclined and have other similarities.

I was tempted to suggest we jam together sometime, however, I still need to film her once more, then edit the video together for her final approval. I don't want to be unprofessional and ask while the project is ongoing. I mentioned wanting to play music with someone again but she didn't follow up with any suggestion. It felt too soon to pop the question in that first encounter, so I think I'll wait until the video is done, then call her and invite her to get a coffee or play together. Does this make sense?

That’s fine. Finish the project and then ask her out. Forget the jamming thing. Be direct and ask her out to coffee or dinner.

February 4, 2022

53 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I met an attractive woman while on the job. I definitely want to ask her out but am unsure when to. I was assigned to make a short film on her career. After the interview, she invited me to film her playing guitar at home. She was in great spirits, smiling and laughing at my jokes, and a few times mentioned breaking up with her ex a few months ago. We both are musically inclined and have other similarities.

I was tempted to suggest we jam together sometime, however, I still need to film her once more, then edit the video together for her final approval. I don't want to be unprofessional and ask while the project is ongoing. I mentioned wanting to play music with someone again but she didn't follow up with any suggestion. It felt too soon to pop the question in that first encounter, so I think I'll wait until the video is done, then call her and invite her to get a coffee or play together. Does this make sense?

My advice

wait till after it’s done

doesdhe go and play somewhere? Ask her after you are done when she was play again and then go and see her play Thrn try to talk after her playing and see if she has the same personality and you still talk.

February 4, 2022

After you finished the project if she is receptive, ask to get together for a drink.

February 4, 2022

Finish the project ... let her see it ... wait for her to react positively ... keep the chat going ... say you enjoyed profiling her ... talking to her ... ask her coffee.

"I'd love to chat some more with you."

What's unprofessional and ill-advised is to ask her out before the project is fully done (the unprofessional part) and meets her approval (the practical part).

Sounds like an organic connection. But, keep open mind. She might just be charismatic and charming with many many people.

February 5, 2022

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds like an organic connection. But, keep open mind. She might just be charismatic and charming with many many people.

She comes off as a soft-spoken introvert, but yes, that's totally possible. But given that she's openly single and has a lot in common with me, I don't want to pass up the opportunity. It's just tricky that I might not have much more interaction with her, so I might feel it out via text.

9 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

doesdhe go and play somewhere? Ask her after you are done when she was play again and then go and see her play Thrn try to talk after her playing and see if she has the same personality and you still talk.

She just plays at home. Thanks though.

One tricky thing is I probably won't see her in person much or have much more interaction with her, and the video won't be ready for a few weeks. I have her number and email. Maybe I'll text her some stuff based on our conversations, see how that goes, then once the project is done, text her asking if she'd like to go hiking.

Edited February 5, 2022 by Scotty Riggs

February 5, 2022

At some point between now and when you finish the video ... you can call/email her and talk about say a part of the film that you really like or something she says that you really like ... and just say hi ...

And then when it's over, get a copy to her and ask her to tell you her reaction ... Assuming it's wildly positive, THEN the door is open to ask her out. And coffee is the magic here--going for coffee can just be what two professional friends in the workplace do. So you're covered as far as work goes ... and if you guys have chemistry, it should show up at the coffee shop.

Edited February 5, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

February 5, 2022

3 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

. I have her number and email. Maybe I'll text her some stuff based on our conversations, see how that goes, then once the project is done, text her asking if she'd like to go hiking.

It's fine to communicate through text as far as asking someone out.

Do you feel jamming or hiking could be interpreted as two friends just hanging out?

All the friendzone things like jamming hiking etc. you can do now as it's not like a date at all.

When the project is completed, ask her on a real date.

February 5, 2022

14 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Coffee is the magic here--going for coffee can just be what two professional friends in the workplace do. So you're covered as far as work goes ... and if you guys have chemistry, it should show up at the coffee shop.

^ So easing into it through professional behavior. ^

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

When the project is completed, ask her on a real date.

^ Straight to the point with a "real" date. ^ Framing-wise, sounds a little different than Lotsgoingon.

Since she and I are both single, I'd think she'd read between the lines that I'm romantically interested, regardless of the activity I suggest as long as the activity doesn't revolve around my job. I'm thinking hiking or coffee. I also don't believe in literally asking a woman for a "date" or to "go out," as those terms have a passion/heaviness that not everyone is comfortable with.

I watched a video that insists you should invite women into your activity (hiking, recreation, etc.) rather than asking to take them out to dinner/coffee, as it shows initiative/leadership and avoids serving/appeasing them. Personally, I doubt this is universally true and would depend on a woman's personality style and level of interest. Any thoughts?

February 6, 2022

OK, this woman works at your job (in a different division?) ... or you simply met her through your job?

I assumed she worked at your job ... that's why I recommended starting with coffee--to start slow.

February 6, 2022

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OK, this woman works at your job (in a different division?) ... or you simply met her through your job?

Sorry for the lack of clarity. We don't work together, but I'm making a short video on her and will likely shoot more video clips of her soon and request some photos (I work for a large university and I'm spotlighting her studies and work). Video finalization will probably be a few weeks after our last in-person encounter and discussed via email. So I'm guessing I'll have to keep correspondence going via text and gauge her responsiveness, then ask her out if she doesn't go starkly quiet on me. It's possible we'd bump into one another again in-person someday, but probably briefly if at all.

February 6, 2022

So you work for the same employer or not?

This matters for job rules, harassment and the like.

February 6, 2022

14 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I watched a video that insists you should invite women into your activity (hiking, recreation, etc.) rather than asking to take them out to dinner/coffee,

Well you can do music jams and hiking as friends until the project is completed.

But to demarcate that you want to date,ask her for a real date after the job is done.

February 6, 2022

You’re overthinking this. I don’t know what videos you are watching that imply you are serving/appeasing a woman instead of showing a leadership role when you ask someone out for coffee or dinner. Please don’t pay attention to the videos that encourage men to play macho roles or be an alpha male. You end up looking very silly in the end and she’ll realize it’s an act to appear a certain way.

Be more direct and thoughtful, act like a gentleman, not a hiking buddy. Also try and be cognizant of the fact that a hike takes anywhere from two hours to an entire day. This is where you’ve started to feel pressure and overthink what you’re doing.

Keep it short and simple as you get to know one another. As you find out more about her learn about the things she likes to do and include her in the date planning.

Edited February 6, 2022 by glows

February 6, 2022

10 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So you work for the same employer or not?

This matters for job rules, harassment and the like.

No, she's a graduate student and I'm an employee (not her superior). We're both in our late 20s/30s. I work in a communications department for the institution. Once my video is done, I'll be assigned another student to spotlight. I checked the university rules, and they only emphasize an ethics dilemma between a student and his/her instructor/superior. I am partially responsible for how her image is being depicted in this video, which is one of a few reasons why it makes sense to wait for project completion to ask her out.

35 minutes ago, glows said:

You’re overthinking this. I don’t know what videos you are watching that imply you are serving/appeasing a woman instead of showing a leadership role when you ask someone out for coffee or dinner. Please don’t pay attention to the videos that encourage men to play macho roles or be an alpha male. You end up looking very silly in the end and she’ll realize it’s an act to appear a certain way.

Keep it short and simple as you get to know one another. As you find out more about her learn about the things she likes to do and include her in the date planning.

Thank you. I agree. I don't usually watch those videos but that one gave me pause. The "alpha" stuff is annoying and not the most accurate or honorable way to approach dating. Plus, if a woman is at all interested to begin with, which is necessary to land the date in the first place, why would she be suddenly turned off by being asked out in a conventional, straight forward manner?

February 6, 2022

1 hour ago, Scotty Riggs said:

No, she's a graduate student and I'm an employee (not her superior). We're both in our late 20s/30s. I work in a communications department for the institution. Once my video is done, I'll be assigned another student to spotlight. I checked the university rules, and they only emphasize an ethics dilemma between a student and his/her instructor/superior. I am partially responsible for how her image is being depicted in this video, which is one of a few reasons why it makes sense to wait for project completion to ask her out.

Thank you. I agree. I don't usually watch those videos but that one gave me pause. The "alpha" stuff is annoying and not the most accurate or honorable way to approach dating. Plus, if a woman is at all interested to begin with, which is necessary to land the date in the first place, why would she be suddenly turned off by being asked out in a conventional, straight forward manner?

Agree.

Regardless of what you do, so long as it’s genuine, respectful and gentlemanly, it’s fine. Expect the same respect and care from her. Good luck.

February 6, 2022

OK, the answer is "yes" you are basically colleagues at the same institution.

Yes, you're right on the details: really the ban at universities is against professors dating students who are currently taking classes under them. Outside of that, you don't violate university rules. In reality, you want to be relaxed and and creepy because for now you do have some power over her as you complete this project. You get that right?

And so when the project is done, you want to proceed in a relaxed way. That's all. Just be relaxed about things.

February 6, 2022

Quote

When should I ask her out? Working together on a project)

Cringe!!!! Not while you're working. Don't poop where you eat.

Don't confuse creativity with sexuality... the minute this project is over, her "ex" is going to turn out to be her fiance and has been this whole time. Keep things professional and look for love elsewhere.

February 8, 2022

On 2/4/2022 at 11:11 AM, Scotty Riggs said:

I met an attractive woman while on the job. I definitely want to ask her out but am unsure when to. I was assigned to make a short film on her career. After the interview, she invited me to film her playing guitar at home. She was in great spirits, smiling and laughing at my jokes, and a few times mentioned breaking up with her ex a few months ago. We both are musically inclined and have other similarities.

I was tempted to suggest we jam together sometime, however, I still need to film her once more, then edit the video together for her final approval. I don't want to be unprofessional and ask while the project is ongoing. I mentioned wanting to play music with someone again but she didn't follow up with any suggestion. It felt too soon to pop the question in that first encounter, so I think I'll wait until the video is done, then call her and invite her to get a coffee or play together. Does this make sense?

When is the project over? I think the timing matters much more than where you ask her out or any type of strategy you employ.

One danger is that you wait too long. Some will take you not acting on their hints as a rejection. In their minds they think "I put myself out there, couldn't have made my interest more clear and he didn't ask me out."

This isn't ideal. Other people that have commented on the old addage about not crapping where you eat (even though a large percentage of couples meet through work). For your professional life the best decision would be to wait until the project is over. But fortune favors the bold.

I think just asking her to join you for coffee would be harmless, it's not too romantic a vibe and I think you'll know learn everything you need to know if she accepts the invitation and you see how it goes.

Edited February 8, 2022 by dramafreezone

February 9, 2022

4 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

When is the project over? I think the timing matters much more than where you ask her out or any type of strategy you employ.

One danger is that you wait too long. Some will take you not acting on their hints as a rejection. In their minds they think "I put myself out there, couldn't have made my interest more clear and he didn't ask me out."

I think just asking her to join you for coffee would be harmless, it's not too romantic a vibe and I think you'll know learn everything you need to know if she accepts the invitation and you see how it goes.

It's due late next week, so keeping me busy among my other tasks. Aside from mentioning her ex a few times, I haven't perceived any potential "hints" from her. I texted yesterday about talking on the phone about work-related materials, then emailed her after a few hours. She texted back a few hours later, apologizing that she was in class and she'd respond to my email. She's been friendly and cheerful but not going out of her way to show interest. I also sent her a song we talked about earlier, and she responded positively

I also learned she's 11 years my junior. I assumed she was a bit older. Either way, I'll probably just text her that I enjoyed the time working with her and ask if she'd like to get a coffee. It's a rather neutral situation where I don't have a strong impression from her one way or another. But I think it's harmless to ask her to join me for coffee, and it won't be terribly awkward if she doesn't want to--would probably bum me out for a day or so, but that's the risk one takes.

Edited February 9, 2022 by Scotty Riggs

February 13, 2022

I'm kinda bummed. The couple times I texted, she would often take about 2 hours to cheerfully respond. I think she's just a very sweet and kind person, eager to smile and laugh, and that can make it hard to discern romantic interest. Maybe after her reaction to the video, I could casually put out an invitation for coffee sometime and not feel too foolish. But I'd be shocked if she took me up on it. I just didn't get any clear signals of interest.

Some of the video clips I shot at her apartment have a fun boyfriend-girlfriend vibe to me and have been more taxing to review than I expected. She seems like a great person, and at least I felt it out and can leave it be after this project.

Edited February 13, 2022 by Scotty Riggs

February 13, 2022

46 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I'm kinda bummed. The couple times I texted, she would often take about 2 hours to cheerfully respond. I think she's just a very sweet and kind person, eager to smile and laugh, and that can make it hard to discern romantic interest. Maybe after her reaction to the video, I could casually put out an invitation for coffee sometime and not feel too foolish. But I'd be shocked if she took me up on it. I just didn't get any clear signals of interest.

Some of the video clips I shot at her apartment have a fun boyfriend-girlfriend vibe to me and have been more taxing to review than I expected. She seems like a great person, and at least I felt it out and can leave it be after this project.

Every woman that you meet isn't going to be doing backflips, but that doesn't mean that there's no interest here.

The bigger issue is you. You're not speaking as if you deserve her. Instead it's like you're placing her above you, like you would be lucky if she said yes. I think women are very perceptive of that type of nuance in energy, and it's going to come across to her in your approach. If she could go either way, 50/50 and you come across as you'd be lucky to go out with her, then that's enough for her to say no.

If you're not seeing yourself as someone that she *should* be attracted to then your energy isn't going to support your words. That doesn't mean arrogant over the top behavior (like you're God's gift), but more matter of fact, you have a lot of good things going on so you're worth a date right? Even if you don't feel it at first you have to tell yourself that, fake it before you make it. The conscious thoughts come before the change in behavior happens. So maybe that's something to work on as a long-term goal. Start to believe that you deserve to date women like her.

Edited February 13, 2022 by dramafreezone

February 14, 2022

On 2/13/2022 at 12:11 PM, dramafreezone said:

Every woman that you meet isn't going to be doing backflips, but that doesn't mean that there's no interest here.

The bigger issue is you. You're not speaking as if you deserve her. Instead it's like you're placing her above you, like you would be lucky if she said yes. I think women are very perceptive of that type of nuance in energy, and it's going to come across to her in your approach. If she could go either way, 50/50 and you come across as you'd be lucky to go out with her, then that's enough for her to say no.

If you're not seeing yourself as someone that she *should* be attracted to then your energy isn't going to support your words. So maybe that's something to work on as a long-term goal. Start to believe that you deserve to date women like her.

Thank you. I agree that a woman can perceive one's energy. However, I'm gauging my doubts based on her reactions to my friendly initiative, which have been kind but not showing interest back. I have sent a few personal messages not work related, and she responded briefly and warmly but never followed up with anything showing interest. It feels very one-sided. I was once criticized for not taking the hint when I asked a girl out for a second date after she only gave short, delayed responses to texts and ultimately rejected my offer, but you seem to have the perspective that I should pursue until met with explicit rejection, yes?

Also, she's a mid-20s college student, and I'm 11 years older with graying temples. Could be an issue, or maybe it's not.

Edited February 14, 2022 by Scotty Riggs

February 14, 2022

You’re too emotionally wrapped up in the outcome. Don’t overthink all her gestures. Having coffee isn’t marrying her. What’s sending you into overdrive seems to be working with her as you’re around her quite a bit. Slow down and keep things lighthearted and the communication open. You’re launching too far ahead and reading too much into the situation.

So far she appears friendly around you and professional so leave it at that while you’re working. Stay professional with the job. After that ask her out to coffee. Good luck.

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