How do I politely turn down someone who keeps flaking on me, who I will see through mutual friends.

[ttrain9]

I met this girl a few weeks ago and we seemed to click really well. She asked for my instagram and said she was looking forward to going out together.

Messaged her the text day asking if she was keen to go for coffee the following day - she ignored me. Two days later she messages me back apologizing saying that she had family issues and asked to reschedule that weekend.

I forgive her, propose a day and time and she ignores me again.

I bump into her a few days later on a night out with friends and exchange pleasantries, but don't pay her much attention and have a great night with my other friends. 

The next day she messages me again - saying she was very sorry for "ghosting me" because she didn't think I was that interested in her, sent me her number and asked if we could text instead. 

We text back and fourth for a bit and I let her know I'm still keen to go out together soon and ask what her schedule is like........and silence for three days. I know she isn't too busy to reply because she is always active on instagram/facebook posting stories etc. 

I don't even want to go out with her now, she has completely killed my interest in her but I don't want to just "ghost" her myself because I will continue to see her out and about. She messaged me, apologizing AGAIN saying she has been too busy. I feel like if she was interested, she would try to propose an alternate date. 

I was thinking of just replying saying something along the lines of; "Hey, I was really keen to go out together but it's been far too difficult to arrange a date. I get the impression that you're not that interested and that's fine. I'm sure I'll see you around and we can just be friends".

 

 

 

 

Edited February 4, 2022 by ttrain9
text

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, ttrain9 said:

I was thinking of just replying saying something along the lines of; "Hey, I was really keen to go out together but it's been far too difficult to arrange a date. I get the impression that you're not that interested and that's fine. I'm sure I'll see you around and we can just be friends".

I wouldn't even bother with all of this, because she'll likely just come back with silly excuses, and lots of "I'm interested, but...!" I wouldn't give her the space to do so. 

Just tell her you don't think it's a match and would prefer to keep things platonic. Wish her the best. That should close the door. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ttrain9 said:

I don't even want to go out with her now, she has completely killed my interest in her but I don't want to just "ghost" her 

She seems like a timewaster. Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

There is no reason to keep communicating.

That way you can focus on interested women.

[Blind-Sided]

She is a flake, and will just make you crazy trying.   You don't need to "Politely turn her down"....... just stop talking to her !!   In this case... it's not "Ghosting" at all.  She isn't talking with you, and is making you put in all the effort.   If you see her out IRL... and she askes... then you can tell her face to face... she is a poor comunicator, and is wasting your time to even try.   Being blunt may get her to think about how she treats other people. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

She is a flake, and will just make you crazy trying.   You don't need to "Politely turn her down"....... just stop talking to her !!   In this case... it's not "Ghosting" at all.  She isn't talking with you, and is making you put in all the effort.   If you see her out IRL... and she askes... then you can tell her face to face... she is a poor comunicator, and is wasting your time to even try.   Being blunt may get her to think about how she treats other people. 

I agree with this approach.  

And the bolded, she deserves to be told that.  I mean I myself am shocked at how ballsy she was with her flakeiness, total lack of disrespect.

Do not tell her "I get the impression you're not interested" (even though it's the truth) it makes you sound insecure and whiny; be blunt and direct, she wasted your time, see ya around. 

 

Edited February 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't even bother with all of this, because she'll likely just come back with silly excuses, and lots of "I'm interested, but...!" I wouldn't give her the space to do so. 

Just tell her you don't think it's a match and would prefer to keep things platonic. Wish her the best. That should close the door. 

I agree with this. 

Keep it short, clean and simple. 

[smackie9]

That text is passive/aggressive. You sound butt hurt. She doesn't deserve any kind of message. You owe her nothing. If she reaches out just say no thank you. 

Edited February 4, 2022 by smackie9

[SSM3]

Block, delete and ignore

[Alpacalia]

When you asked her out the first time, she turfed on you, which isn't good.

You followed that up by asking her out several times.

If she contacts you again, you can always say something like "my time is very important to me, so I'm not sure I'd feel too good about rescheduling honestly," and then wish her well.

 

 

Edited February 4, 2022 by Alpaca

[ttrain9]

Hi all, thanks for the replies - stopped me from trying to message her again. I figured I could text her one more time because I've got nothing to lose but I've given her enough chances.

I just don't understand why she keeps reaching out to me to flake and why she would go the extra length by giving me her number to text each other, just to ignore me again.

Don't really understand what she gets out of this - I don't shower her with compliments or try to please anything. I just suggest a time/place for a date, she ignores me, apologizes and then its rinse and repeat. Very strange behavior, I've dealt with girls flaking before but not ones that keep coming back and apologizing. 

[glows]

4 minutes ago, ttrain9 said:

Hi all, thanks for the replies - stopped me from trying to message her again. I figured I could text her one more time because I've got nothing to lose but I've given her enough chances.

I just don't understand why she keeps reaching out to me to flake and why she would go the extra length by giving me her number to text each other, just to ignore me again.

Don't really understand what she gets out of this - I don't shower her with compliments or try to please anything. I just suggest a time/place for a date, she ignores me, apologizes and then its rinse and repeat. Very strange behavior, I've dealt with girls flaking before but not ones that keep coming back and apologizing. 

It doesn't matter. Spend your energies elsewhere. This is where people fall into the trap of decoding and overanalyzing why others are the way they are. You're delaying and holding yourself back from meeting others. 

[dramafreezone]

7 hours ago, ttrain9 said:

I met this girl a few weeks ago and we seemed to click really well. She asked for my instagram and said she was looking forward to going out together.

Messaged her the text day asking if she was keen to go for coffee the following day - she ignored me. Two days later she messages me back apologizing saying that she had family issues and asked to reschedule that weekend.

I forgive her, propose a day and time and she ignores me again.

I bump into her a few days later on a night out with friends and exchange pleasantries, but don't pay her much attention and have a great night with my other friends. 

The next day she messages me again - saying she was very sorry for "ghosting me" because she didn't think I was that interested in her, sent me her number and asked if we could text instead. 

We text back and fourth for a bit and I let her know I'm still keen to go out together soon and ask what her schedule is like........and silence for three days. I know she isn't too busy to reply because she is always active on instagram/facebook posting stories etc. 

I don't even want to go out with her now, she has completely killed my interest in her but I don't want to just "ghost" her myself because I will continue to see her out and about. She messaged me, apologizing AGAIN saying she has been too busy. I feel like if she was interested, she would try to propose an alternate date. 

I was thinking of just replying saying something along the lines of; "Hey, I was really keen to go out together but it's been far too difficult to arrange a date. I get the impression that you're not that interested and that's fine. I'm sure I'll see you around and we can just be friends".

 

 

 

 

Why do you feel the need to turn her down?  She's turning *you* down already.  That's what flaking is, a rejection.  She's not interested in you.  If she were a date would've happened, she would have made sure of it.

Why does she do this?  I don't have an answer for you, maybe she likes the attention she gets from you, maybe she gets off on toying with guys, only she knows.  What I do know is that she's not all that interested at making a date happen, not when she can get the attention without the date. 

I wouldn't even address it with her, she hasn't earned an explanation from you.  Just be cordial but you don't have to address this.  You don't have to be terse or frank, that only lets her know that she got under your skin, and I get the feeling someone like her would like that.

Edited February 4, 2022 by dramafreezone

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, ttrain9 said:

Hi all, thanks for the replies - stopped me from trying to message her again. I figured I could text her one more time because I've got nothing to lose but I've given her enough chances.

I just don't understand why she keeps reaching out to me to flake and why she would go the extra length by giving me her number to text each other, just to ignore me again.

Don't really understand what she gets out of this - I don't shower her with compliments or try to please anything. I just suggest a time/place for a date, she ignores me, apologizes and then its rinse and repeat. Very strange behavior, I've dealt with girls flaking before but not ones that keep coming back and apologizing. 

Could be some kind of anxiety behavior. She keeps pushing herself to reach out, but chickens out and give excuses. Can be taken as being rude or confusing. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ttrain9 said:

Don't really understand what she gets out of this - I don't shower her with compliments or try to please anything. I just suggest a time/place for a date, she ignores me, apologizes and then its rinse and repeat. Very strange behavior, I've dealt with girls flaking before but not ones that keep coming back and apologizing. 

It could be that she's more interested in someone else and when she doesn't hear from him, she reaches out to you. 

Whatever the reason, this merry-go-round with her is pointless. She's not that interested so it is a waste of time to keep in touch with her. 

[ShyViolet]

Don't waste any energy on coming up with an explanation or a reply to her.  Just stop texting her.  If she texts you out of the blue again with one of her "apologies" and asking if you'd like to go out on a date, just say "'Sorry I've been very busy lately.  I'll let you know."  Easy and simple.  I'm sure she'll get the hint and won't try it again.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, ttrain9 said:

Hi all, thanks for the replies - stopped me from trying to message her again. I figured I could text her one more time because I've got nothing to lose but I've given her enough chances.

I just don't understand why she keeps reaching out to me to flake and why she would go the extra length by giving me her number to text each other, just to ignore me again.

Don't really understand what she gets out of this - I don't shower her with compliments or try to please anything. I just suggest a time/place for a date, she ignores me, apologizes and then its rinse and repeat. Very strange behavior, I've dealt with girls flaking before but not ones that keep coming back and apologizing. 

She’s scatterbrained.  
 

I won’t bother texting her. I’d just wait till you run into each other.

 

if you want to text her— say something like let me know when you want to get together.

[glows]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Could be some kind of anxiety behavior. She keeps pushing herself to reach out, but chickens out and give excuses. Can be taken as being rude or confusing. 

Agree. Best not to waste energy or time overanalyzing. 

I’d have given the person one chance to re-do/meet if there’s a valid reason for cancelling and if there is a second cancellation, delete and block. 

There are all kinds out there. 

OP, aren’t you in the slightest bit way more interested in whom else you may enjoy your company with? 

Edited February 4, 2022 by glows

[Calmandfocused]

This sounds like a game called “Chase me”. 
 

Refuse to play. Don’t bother texting her or responding to her nonsense. Just walk away and be cordial when you see her. End of. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, ttrain9 said:

Don't really understand what she gets out of this 

Don't apply logic to this. It's not about you. Maybe she's on/ with a BF or dating others, who knows?

All you need to know is her interest level is low and it's a waste of your time.

[kendahke]

On 2/4/2022 at 3:19 AM, ttrain9 said:

saying she has been too busy.

She's not interested. She's just playing you. I'd stop returning her calls, stop putting forth effort.

Quote

I was thinking of just replying saying something along the lines of; "Hey, I was really keen to go out together but it's been far too difficult to arrange a date. I get the impression that you're not that interested and that's fine. I'm sure I'll see you around and we can just be friends".

Don't send that. Don't dignify this with any message. No message at all will send an even stronger message.

She knows she's wrong, but she doesn't care.

If she says something to you in person, just say "I've met someone else, so I wish you success in your travels", and keep her at arms' distance. She will then go overboard in trying to get your attention, but that is just an act. As soon as you fall in line, she'll go back to ghosting on you.

Edited February 6, 2022 by kendahke

[kendahke]

On 2/4/2022 at 10:44 AM, ttrain9 said:

I just don't understand why she keeps reaching out to me

because you keep leaving the door wide open for her to walk through and poop on your kitchen table.