cdub24 Posted February 3, 2022 Posted February 3, 2022 (edited) So my boyfriends been through a lot. We're young but we've each dealt with enough family trauma to last a lifetime. Someone close to him went to jail recently and I've been through that too so i understand, but in order to cope he started drinking more and when he drinks he tends to pick arguments over dumb stuff that sometimes doesn't even make sense. It makes me think that maybe its not about me at all. He said he's had a hard time sleeping but only talks to me about his emotions when he's drunk. We got into an argument last night claiming that I use him for where he lives because its close to school but truthfully i just go over so i can see him and spend as much time with him as possible. We've been dating for awhile and I've always felt really secure in our relationship. Anyways, he went on and on saying I use him, calling me names, saying I'm disrespectful. He even yelled at his cousin who he lives with - this makes me think that maybe this wasn't about me at all and more about the things he's gone through recently. He said I didn't notice that he was upset for the past couple weeks even though i asked a few times if he was okay and he just said he was fine. A few months back i would call him to tell him about my day and send little messages throughout my day but he began to say that it sounded like i was just complaining about stuff and said they were mid life crisis' that he didn't want to deal with. So i stopped sharing them, but now it bothers him. I'm not a mind reader so idk what to do. Today he's acting like nothing happened and told his cousin he fixed everything with me when he didn't. We've barely talked all day. Normally i make the first move to fix problems but he was so mean i just don't know what to do. He's my best friend and I love him so much but it just seems like recently he takes the frustrations out on me and mentally idk how longer i can handle it. i want to be there for him because I know what he's going through, but he wont talk to me because he claims i don't understand and never will. Please give me some advice, i can explain further too if need be. truth be told idk what all to say, Ive never done this before. Edited February 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs, punctuation
Author cdub24 Posted February 3, 2022 Author Posted February 3, 2022 anyone? im having a terrible day and could really use the advice
basil67 Posted February 3, 2022 Posted February 3, 2022 (edited) Hi cdub24, I'm sorry this is happening to you. The cause of this isn't the things he's gone through recently. Rather the cause is that he has a poor ability to cope with it all. Take yourself for example - you've been through similar and you're not drunk and abusive because of it. And I'm betting that his best friend can relate too, but he's not drunk and abusive either. Unfortunately, only he can fix this. Your job is to decide how much more abuse you're willing to take. For what it's worth, if a partner was using alcohol as a crutch and was insulting and abusive towards me, I'd give a single ultimatum including getting sober and ending the abuse immediately. If he did it again, I'd leave. Now before you go worrying about 'kicking him when he's down', remember that the truth is that he's kicking you when he's down. All you're doing is self protection. And whatever you do, please don't have children with this man. Edited February 3, 2022 by basil67 4 2
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 3, 2022 Posted February 3, 2022 Hi, I don't see YOU doing anything wrong in this picture. The honest truth is that you will need to pause and assess whether being with him is worth having to deal with his drinking and the aftermath. It is unlikely that anyone here on LS will be able to 'solve' this for you. 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 3, 2022 Posted February 3, 2022 Don't talk to him when he's drunk. If he gets belligerent and abusive, terminate the call or get up and leave . Actions that reflect self-respect will work to make you feel better. Don't be his punching bag. 2
BaileyB Posted February 3, 2022 Posted February 3, 2022 Basil hit the nail right on the head. Wise advice! 1
glows Posted February 3, 2022 Posted February 3, 2022 3 hours ago, cdub24 said: So my boyfriends been through a lot. We're young but we've each dealt with enough family trauma to last a lifetime. Someone close to him went to jail recently and I've been through that too so i understand, but in order to cope he started drinking more and when he drinks he tends to pick arguments over dumb stuff that sometimes doesn't even make sense. It makes me think that maybe its not about me at all. He said he's had a hard time sleeping but only talks to me about his emotions when he's drunk. We got into an argument last night claiming that I use him for where he lives because its close to school but truthfully i just go over so i can see him and spend as much time with him as possible. We've been dating for awhile and I've always felt really secure in our relationship. Anyways, he went on and on saying I use him, calling me names, saying I'm disrespectful. He even yelled at his cousin who he lives with - this makes me think that maybe this wasn't about me at all and more about the things he's gone through recently. He said I didn't notice that he was upset for the past couple weeks even though i asked a few times if he was okay and he just said he was fine. A few months back i would call him to tell him about my day and send little messages throughout my day but he began to say that it sounded like i was just complaining about stuff and said they were mid life crisis' that he didn't want to deal with. So i stopped sharing them, but now it bothers him. I'm not a mind reader so idk what to do. Today he's acting like nothing happened and told his cousin he fixed everything with me when he didn't. We've barely talked all day. Normally i make the first move to fix problems but he was so mean i just don't know what to do. He's my best friend and I love him so much but it just seems like recently he takes the frustrations out on me and mentally idk how longer i can handle it. i want to be there for him because I know what he's going through, but he wont talk to me because he claims i don't understand and never will. Please give me some advice, i can explain further too if need be. truth be told idk what all to say, Ive never done this before. You may not understand what he’s going through but staying is hurting you. If I were in your shoes I’d think long and hard about 1) am I myself around this person and 2) how much does this person add to my life. You mentioned he dismisses you and belittles you when you talk about your day. Messages aren’t appreciated and he’s absent in the relationship. It seems very one-sided and while you love him, try to be realistic. This isn’t a relationship and it’s not reciprocal in the way you may be looking for it to be. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 3, 2022 Posted February 3, 2022 I would end this relationship. You say he's your best friend but it sure doesn't sound like your his. He's rude, disrespectful and belittles you. That is not how best friends treat each other. I'm sorry but this is not going to end well for you. 3
BaileyB Posted February 3, 2022 Posted February 3, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I would end this relationship. You say he's your best friend but it sure doesn't sound like your his. He's rude, disrespectful and belittles you. That is not how best friends treat each other. I'm sorry but this is not going to end well for you. Whenever there is a discrepancy between a man’s words and actions - pay attention to his actions OP. Edited February 3, 2022 by BaileyB
smackie9 Posted February 3, 2022 Posted February 3, 2022 When he drinks, stay home, don't go over to his place. Just quietly tell him you will see him when he is sober, and will have a conversation about it.
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