What did I do.

[Sarabi]

There is a crush I started talking to a few months ago. Seemed nice and conversation was good, although every conversation we had, he always turned it sexual(how good he is in bed, how he can make a woman feel good, showing off his body etc.). Even the first time we spoke I said I had been working abroad and he asked if I had slept with any guys from the country I worked in. One day I asked why the conversation always goes that way and he said he didn't feel he was as smart as me so all he could talk about was sex.

He is a good looking guy and he knows it (and I was warned by friends not to bother because these are the most selfish but I never listen lol).

Eventually one day it got to a point after some joking around where he said outright that we should sleep together. I said ok, assuming it was purely casual because to be fair, I had figured out that he was the type who was mostly into casual relationships.

Eventually exchanged contacts and were texting. He seemed quite eager and I (was being too lazy to tidy up lol) suggested waiting a few weeks.

We set a day and he came over. In between "sessions" we were talking and he said he didn't understand why I didn't have a boyfriend. I said I wasn't looking. He said I was smart, beautiful and good company. I said that I really hadn't put myself out there and wasn't bothered about doing so.

We spoke about other stuff like exes, travel, work etc. Before leaving, he really spoke about his past relationship (that he sounds quite upset over) and also feelings of lonliness. Although she has moved on, I told him that he should speak to her, tell her everything-how much he cares for her, apologise for whatever happened before and ask her if there is another chance. I have also told him before that being with lots of people trying to rediscover the passion that you feel you had in the past relationship but aren't getting will only hurt him and also waste his time.

He told me I was a good person and deserved to be happy and I should try to find a good guy. I said I wasn't looking, all I want is a dog. He said pets won't bring the happiness I want and that I should look for someone who isn't f'ed up like him. I told him everyone is a little f'ed up in some way or other.

A couple of weeks later I asked if he was up for a session. He said not that week so I said ok. I didn't contact him but then a couple of weeks later he asked if I was free that coming week. our days didn't match up so we decided on the following week. He told me he would text me after he was done with something during the day. He never did. I messaged in the evening and said "So...you couldn't send a message saying you were not able to come?" He said he forgot and had just got home and was going to eat and go to the gym. He asked if I was ok. I told him to enjoy his food and the gym. No apology but he said I was awesome...

Next day I told him men don't forget to have sex (am I wrong?!?) he could have just sent a quick message if he couldn't, didn't want to or wasn't able to come and I said it was rude. I also said if I was "awesome" he would treat me like a human being and just give a quick apology. He said he had nothing to say, then told me I was acting like a jealous girlfriend and he didn't like it and he had other things in his head now.

I mean. How is it jealousy to want an apology for being stood up? He is the one who wanted to come over. I know it's casual, I just wanted to have fun. It doesn't mean you need to be rude. I don't spend all my time texting him and driving him crazy and I know deep down that he is not interested like that. 

It's also fine if he doesn't want to do it again but what is wrong with him just saying that..? 🤷‍♀️

[glows]

While I agree with you that a heads up would have been appreciated, I think you went overboard in your texts. Next time with another partner, not this person, make a mental note to yourself what kind of person that person is instead of forcing the situation. 

The issue is that he doesn't care enough about you, not even to let you know or be interested enough to apologize. 

Don't contact him again and rethink whether this fwb situation is one you'd like to continue. He seems like very poor company to me on top of the fact that he is still caught up with his ex.

You might also want to be a little more honest with yourself whether you have deeper feelings for this man. The way you were discussing your love lives and his ex suggests that you care quite a lot about him. If you ever do engage in another friends with benefits partner, keep exes and other partners out of the discussion. It's TMI. Enjoy the sex and the company but do not volunteer to be their emotional support system. 

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, Sarabi said:

Next day I told him men don't forget to have sex (am I wrong?!?) he could have just sent a quick message if he couldn't, didn't want to or wasn't able to come and I said it was rude.

I agree, standing you up wasn't very thoughtful.

Perhaps he was just not in the mood or your conversation got too heavy handed or he had another date. There are also possible scenarios with no-strings-attached casual sex.

He wasn't feeling it, and sounds like you felt tempted to pout or mock him by saying, "What kind of man are you?" Essentially.

Unless you want to deflate his ego in the future, resist. 

Edited February 2, 2022 by Alpaca

[basil67]

22 minutes ago, Sarabi said:

every conversation we had, he always turned it sexual(how good he is in bed, how he can make a woman feel good, showing off his body etc.

Honestly, I don't know how you got further than this.  Ugh, what a self important sleaze!

Anyway, I think it was fine that you called him out for not letting you know, but the following text was not at all necessary.  And to be frank, when you are attacking someone's actions as you did, their natural reaction will be to return in kind.   If you want to address a problem, it's important to learn how to do it without putting the other party straight onto the defense.   

You would have been far better off just blocking him.   And this is what I suggest you do now.

[Sarabi]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You would have been far better off just blocking him.   And this is what I suggest you do now.

Already done just before posting 

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Honestly, I don't know how you got further than this.  Ugh, what a self important sleaze!

🙈 I never get to talk to or get attention from the good looking ones. It was a moment (or several moments) of weakness and stubbornness on my part. One friend had already said he won't like or respect you and you can find better than wasting time on this (she even specifically stated that a vibrator can do a faster and better job lol)

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Sarabi said:

Already done just before posting 

🙈 I never get to talk to or get attention from the good looking ones. It was a moment (or several moments) of weakness and stubbornness on my part. One friend had already said he won't like or respect you and you can find better than wasting time on this (she even specifically stated that a vibrator can do a faster and better job lol)

Glad to hear you blocked him.

Looks mean nothing, and they fade anyway.  It's far better to have attention from a good man than a pretty man. 

[Sarabi]

20 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I agree, standing you up wasn't very thoughtful.

Perhaps he was just not in the mood or your conversation got too heavy handed or he had another date. There are also possible scenarios with no-strings-attached casual sex.

He wasn't feeling it, and sounds like you felt tempted to pout or mock him by saying, "What kind of man are you?" Essentially.

Unless you want to deflate his ego in the future, resist. 

Thanks for your advice. I didn't think of it that way and wasn't trying to make him seem less of a man. Just wanted to point out that he was a bit rude.

I honestly wish him the best and hope he can be happy in future too.

Love your username and I love alpacas!

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Sarabi said:

Thanks for your advice. I didn't think of it that way and wasn't trying to make him seem less of a man. Just wanted to point out that he was a bit rude.

I honestly wish him the best and hope he can be happy in future too.

Love your username and I love alpacas!

You're welcome.

Indeed. It was rude of him.

Thanks! 

I like your username too.
(Lion King is a good movie..happens to be a favorite)

Well done for blocking him, little lioness!

 

[Sarabi]

35 minutes ago, glows said:

Don't contact him again and rethink whether this fwb situation is one you'd like to continue. He seems like very poor company to me on top of the fact that he is still caught up with his ex.

I am not sure he would contact me again anyway and I tended not to initiate contact anyway. The one time I did he said he was busy and I left it. No bombarding of texts, I just wait for him to contact.

35 minutes ago, glows said:

You might also want to be a little more honest with yourself whether you have deeper feelings for this man. The way you were discussing your love lives and his ex suggests that you care quite a lot about him. If you ever do engage in another friends with benefits partner, keep exes and other partners out of the discussion. It's TMI. Enjoy the sex and the company but do not volunteer to be their emotional support system. 

True. I made a mistake there but that (first conversation about the ex) was long before any intimacy. It was while we were still talking as 'friends' one day and he was talking about the ex. Slightly off topic but I genuinely felt bad for him. It sounded like he needed a friend and honestly I thought it was so sad that someone who looks as if they should have their life together and should be very lucky in love and life is going through so much internal turmoil. Proof you never know what someone is going through I guess.

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Sarabi said:

I am not sure he would contact me again anyway and I tended not to initiate contact anyway. The one time I did he said he was busy and I left it. No bombarding of texts, I just wait for him to contact.

True. I made a mistake there but that (first conversation about the ex) was long before any intimacy. It was while we were still talking as 'friends' one day and he was talking about the ex. Slightly off topic but I genuinely felt bad for him. It sounded like he needed a friend and honestly I thought it was so sad that someone who looks as if they should have their life together and should be very lucky in love and life is going through so much internal turmoil. Proof you never know what someone is going through I guess.

I agree. You don't know what's under the surface. As long as you have an agreement and mutual respect, I'm all for casual or friends with benefits or any other relationship. I would hold the judgment about how he "should" have his life. There may be very good reasons why he's no longer with his ex but it is you projecting your own ideas about what love or romance is onto his past relationships that may be more harmful. 

Someone I was involved with once asked me what he should do about his recent ex who wouldn't respond to him and his other ex whom he was trying to buy out of some property and I declined giving any advice. Instead I asked if he wanted dinner. He was very happy that evening and he understood that there are certain issues he needs to work out on his own. I would not be involved in those decisions. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Sarabi said:

I didn't contact him but then a couple of weeks later he asked if I was free that coming week. our days didn't match up so we decided on the following week. He told me he would text me after he was done with something during the day. He never did. I messaged in the evening and said "So...you couldn't send a message saying you were not able to come?" He said he forgot and had just got home and was going to eat and go to the gym. He asked if I was ok. I told him to enjoy his food and the gym. No apology but he said I was awesome...

Were you the one who contacted him a couple of weeks later or did he contact you?

He's probably used to women getting pissed when he's done this to them before after only having sex with them once and that is why he made the "jealous" comment.  He probably thought you would just go away and not call him out on his behavior.   You knew what to expect and had been forwarned about guys like him.  He sounds like he's still not over his ex yet and wants her back.  In the meantime he needs sex.   Good you blocked him.

[Sarabi]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Were you the one who contacted him a couple of weeks later or did he contact you?

He contacted me. Based on past FWB/casual arrangements I have learned not to be terribly uninterested...but also not clingy. I am not trying to deflect responsibility but I leave it in such a way that he contacts me if he wants something.

Basically(the rundown of our whole thing is)...he suggested s£x. He gave me his number. I texted a few days later so that he had my number but I did not ask anything about hooking up.

About a week later he started asking when I was free and because I declined the days he suggested, he told me to message me on any of his days off. I didn't but said lets sort it for new year (I kept pushing it back it was December, it was busy). He still kept asking and finally met up in January.

Said hi afterwards briefly when we saw each other one day. Then I asked (about a week later) if he wanted to hookup but he said he was busy and wanted some alone time that week. I said it was fine, to have fun and to look after himself...a few hours after asking for alone time he messaged me to ask how I was (lol). I replied quite late then didn't message him for two weeks(I figured he would either completely ignore me or contact when he was ready).

He eventually messaged to ask if I was free to hookup. I was but not on a day when he was free so he suggested a week later(we hadn't set a day at that point).

I messaged last weekend and he said he would come on Monday and would message me after he was done with errands/whatever he was doing. I didn't hear from him...and asked why he didn't send a quick text to say he was or wasn't coming... 

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, Sarabi said:

I messaged last weekend and he said he would come on Monday and would message me after he was done with errands/whatever he was doing. I didn't hear from him...and asked why he didn't send a quick text to say he was or wasn't coming... 

I see.  Me thinks he already had been taken care of over the weekend and that is why he opted out.  Well at least now you know about this guy.