Messy relationship, is there any hope or should I just run

[Reader99]

 Sorry it gets too long, also, by the way, English is not my first language so sorry if I commit any mistake...

To give you all a context I had been in an abusive relationship from 2013 to 2019. She had depression and used that to manipulate and gasslight me, it was also a kind of on-off relationship. Anyways, it wasn't healthy and took me some time of therapy to realize and end it.

So, almost one year later I met on tinder right before the pandemics. We couldn't meet because of covid-19 and she works as a nurse, so those were also pretty heavy months for her. Still we talked everyday. One day she said that she was in love with me. But we didn't even met in person yet so I was truly hesitant. When she noticed that, she said she needed some time apart, which I gave to her.
 

After a few weeks she started texting to me again as if nothing ever happened. The only time we talked about our relationship I said that I needed to take things really slowly. We still texted each other daily for months and I felt a true connection between us, but I was still hesitant and thought that she might try to rush things.

Still, in 2020, when the covid situation in my county loosened up a bit, I went on three dates with her, and it was really great. After that we got closer and closer. But because of my financial situation I had to return to my parents house, in another city.

Before that, we slept together for two nights and it was really sweet. That happened in november 2020. In December I was not doing great with my family, I gave her an answer that she didn't really like and she decided to take some time apart only to start talking to me again by the end of the month.

After that time apart, I got more hesitant, as this was something that my ex used to do to try to control me. But we kept texting each other almost daily. And in February she had started taking another shift in another hospital so it was harder for us to talk. But still, a few months into 2021 and we got closer and closer in our texts

We started flirting again and did some virtual dates and I was starting to see a day for me to go to her city to hang out with her.

But by July my mother was diagnosed with leukemia and I started to have terrible anxiety attacks (right now we know that her degree is really low so it's like she never had anything but I didn't know by then). On a day in which I was having one of those anxiety attacks she decided to ask me what she was for me and what were my expectations. I couldn't think straight and told her that I saw her as a friend and I had no idea about any expectations.

That was my biggest mistake because she started dating another guy, from her work, who was after her and there was nothing I could do. So I decided to accept my mistake even though I felt jealous but my anxiety only got worse with time and to make things even worse, that guy made her feel anxious and she was using me as an emotional support (she asked me for things like reading a poem to her, send her a picture of myself smiling).

After a month or so I decided that I had enough and told her how I felt. She was hesitant at first ("I asked you how you saw me and you never said anything!") but with time we talked more and more about our feelings and she dumped that guy for me.

Anyways, after I took my vaccines (in September), I went to visit her and it was amazing. I was starting to be able to talk more about what I felt regarding her (it is still hard for me to talk about feelings in general) and I tried to show how much I cared about her as much as I could.

The following week we spent talking about how amazing it was, started making plans and so fourth until she watched a show with a bipolar girl. That triggered her and she told me that from time to time it is really hard for her to do stuff as she gets really depressed (she calls these moments "inertia') and that she knew that my ex used her depression to manipulate me and she didn't want that for me again.

I made her promise to look for help, and told her that I missed having her with me, that I wanted to hug her and that I would be by her side. Still, she got colder and colder until one day I asked her what was up and she said that I didn't really like her, that I was mostly likely dating other people, that I made her dump that guy that wanted something with her and never made my intentions clear and so on. I tried to talk to her saying that I really liked her, that I want something serious etc but it was no use.

Then she said that she wanted some time apart, that we should move on and live our lives but when I moved back to her city to look for her. We promised to each other that if I needed her or she needed me we would ask each other for help. And we spent 2 months barely talking, from time to time I'd ask her how she was doing and she'd do the same for me. She even sent me a sweet birthday text.

At the same time my personal life got messier and my anxiety attacks worse. In December, my manager told me that I was supposed to return to the office by the first trimester of 2022. So I decided to text her about it.

But on the same day I was going to send her a text she posted a picture on instagram of what looked like a romantic date. So my anxiety kicks in and asks her if she was dating someone. She texts me back quite angrily saying that no, she was not dating, only hanging out with a guy so they get to know each other better and that I really never liked her and that I was only 'fixated' on her and that I should let her go. I said that was not true but after some texts I saw that there was no use.

Two days later I sent her a text saying that I shouldn't have started that conversation like that and that I was going to move back to her city. After that we started texting each other daily once again.

On xmas she sends me a picture of her in a dress and I make a flirty joke, which she didn't reply, so on the next day I asked her if she was still hanging out with that guy and if she felt uncomfortable with my flirty joke., she replied saying that I was 'clearly fixated on her' and that had to stop. I said that no, I wasn't and I only wanted to know if she felt uncomfortable.

Some time later she texted me saying that she didn't feel romantically involved with me anymore but wanted me as a friend. I got hesitant because I felt really bad, but at the same time she wasn't feeling great.

So I decided to be her friend and help her as much as a could until she got better. Of course that goes wrong! There was one day that she felt this 'inertia" and I asked her if she wanted to talk to me. She said that we could talk to her but didn't want me to lose my time. I asked her what she meant and she said that I could get things confused. I was anxious and got angry and said that I was only worried about her, but we clearly have to sort things out and that we should talk. She agreed but said that she couldn't do that on the next day.

The following week only made me feel more anxious as she was barely answering my texts (and they were only normal stuff, nothing emotional or making pressure) until one day she said that she wanted to have that talk. I told her how I felt, that I truly like her, that the way she was saying that I didn't really hurt me but that I think that we could work out if we had better communication about our insecurities etc.

She replied saying that "yeah, we could have worked out" but when I was hesitant when she first declared herself to me she lost a bit of respect. That things didn't work out with that guy she was hanging out but the other one, the one she was dating on july, came back for her and different from me, he knew that he wanted something serious with her from the beginning and that she didn't want to hurt him again (she also said that I had manipulated her so she would dump him - that's a lie). But she valued my friendship and she trusts me more than anything.

The conversation ended a bit after that. I spent some day ruminating on what happened, I sent her a random text (which she took 3 days to reply) and I decided that this whole thing wasn't good for me and my anxiety.

So I sent her the most neutral text possible saying that she knows how I feel and I know she feels and that right now might not be the best time for us to stay as a friend, that I needed some time. She replied with a "ok" but some hours later she sent me a huge text where she says that she is disappointed with me, that she thought I valued her and our friendship and if I needed her help I could ask but that I shouldn't because she doesn't want to be close to me anymore.

As a reply I texted saying that I loved her(first time I said that) but we've hurt each other and now she's happy with this other guy. That if she needs me I will help her but I need some time for myself and that we should use this time to process everything that happened before ever talking again.

Less than two weeks later, she texted me at night asking me if I was awake. I replied and she asked how I was doing. After my answer she wrote 'Nice! That's all I wanted to know'.

I got a bit angry because I asked her for no contact and she didn't respect that, so I wrote her asking her to stop texting me unless it's something important, that I truly cared about her but I needed that time for myself. Then she answered me saying that 'it's better for her to delete my number, because she cares about me and for her it is important to see how I am doing.'.

After that I texted her saying that this whole thing is unhealthy, that it really needs to stop and I didn`t want to discuss it. At midnight she calls me, asking what I meant, tried to explain herself, giving answer that I doesn't make sense to me. But then we started talking about other subjects, she told me that her life was way too chaotic, that`s wasn't quite happy.

After other subjects she also told me that I had always helped her, now I`m not there anymore, I asked her what I could do and she said that she wanted me to go to her city someday to talk and eat something. The conversation lasted for 1:30h.

Two days later I asked her how she was doing and she could talk to me if she wanted and she said that she was now serious with that guy. After some time I told her that she knows how I feel about her and that she can't have us both (him as a bf and me as emotional support), that I am emotionally drained by all this and that it's better for us to stop talking for good.

And now is the 6th day without contacting each other.

I'm not sure if there's another way to deal with that. Contacting her makes me a emotional support and makes me more anxious. At the same time, I still want to have something with her. 

I know that I shouldn't think about this but I can't stop wondering if she really likes that guy (I mean, if she really does, why would she dump him for me in the past?) and if she still doesn't feel anything for me (why would she be obssessed with the ideia of keep me as a friend and I would she call me at midnight for a conversation that long?).

At the same time, I have been treating my anxiety, started taking meds and that with therapy has really helped me to see things clearer and to start sorting my life out(my financial life is better, I moving out of my parents house, reconnected with some old friends etc) but still, I feel like there's this whole situation pending in my head.

Looking foward to your insights!

Edited February 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added paragraphs

[vla1120]

29 minutes ago, Reader99 said:

At the same time, I have been treating my anxiety, started taking meds and that with therapy has really helped me to see things clearer and to start sorting my life out(my financial life is better, I moving out of my parents house, reconnected with some old friends etc) but still, I feel like there's this whole situation pending in my head.

This is good news. Therapy will help you sort out this situation in your head, but also, based on everything you said, you cannot try to remain friends with this woman. It's not fair for her to expect you to be waiting in the wings to be her emotional support while she has a relationship with another man. As far as whether she really likes him, she works with him, she's seeing him every day and he's actively pursuing her. I don't know if she has doubts about him and just wants to keep you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with him, or what. Either way, it's not fair to you. She's with someone else and needs to let you go for your own sanity. You asked her for no contact and she did not respect your boundaries. You should block her and move on. 

Take this time for yourself. When you are ready, hopefully, you'll meet someone who does not have all the red flags you dealt with in this relationship and your past relationship. Best of luck to you.

[glows]

40 minutes ago, Reader99 said:

Two days later I asked her how she was doing and she could talk to me if she wanted and she said that she was now serious with that guy. After some time I told her that she knows how I feel about her and that she can't have us both (him as a bf and me as emotional support), that I am emotionally drained by all this and that it's better for us to stop talking for good.

And now is the 6th day without contacting each other.

I'm not sure if there's another way to deal with that. Contacting her makes me a emotional support and makes me more anxious. At the same time, I still want to have something with her. 
 

Get well with your anxiety treatment and therapy, figure out your financial situation and adjust to moving back to the office. You have a lot on your plate in addition to your mother’s leukaemia weighing in the back of your mind.

This thing wasn’t quite a full blown relationship. You were seeing each other a handful of times and things became awry with the distance when you moved due to financial strain. The rest was carried out long distance through a series of confusing and random texts where you both leaned on each other for support but it was not ever that consistent. 

I don’t think it’s realistic to stay in contact with her at this point because you are only a friend to her. She’s not interested in dating you. You want more. Let this go and think back on it in fondness and cherish the good memories. Move forwards and don’t contact her again. If she contacts you let her know you wish for privacy and not to be reached. Then move on. 

[salparadise]

Yea, that's really messy. She has moved on now with another guy that she is apparently happy with. Accepting that and going strict NC is your best move in my opinion. Even if you were to get back with her it would just be more drama. The dynamic is pretty well established.

You used the word "friend" eight times in your post. There is no such thing in such situations. Friends are people you like and hang out with but aren't trying to date or negotiate a romantic relationship. The way people hid behind the ambiguity of that word drives me nuts. She is either your girlfriend or your ex-girlfriend, not your friend. When a relationship isn't working out, a clean break is best. Also, needing to take breaks or time off is a pretty clear signal that it's not going to work. Find someone who makes you happy and fulfilled, not drives your anxiety through the roof. 

[Reader99]

Thanks a lot for all your answers!

 

1 hour ago, glows said:

Get well with your anxiety treatment and therapy, figure out your financial situation and adjust to moving back to the office. You have a lot on your plate in addition to your mother’s leukaemia weighing in the back of your mind.

I've been working on that in the past month. My financial situation is much better right now, got a promotion and found a affordable flat in a nice place not far away from the office. But as I get things sorted out it's been hard to not rumminate on this whole mess. I think that's something I still have to learn (mainly after two complicated relationships weighing on me).

[glows]

1 minute ago, Reader99 said:

Thanks a lot for all your answers!

 

I've been working on that in the past month. My financial situation is much better right now, got a promotion and found a affordable flat in a nice place not far away from the office. But as I get things sorted out it's been hard to not rumminate on this whole mess. I think that's something I still have to learn (mainly after two complicated relationships weighing on me).

Yes, it is hard but stay busy and productive. Work on your new place and recondition yourself as a single man.

Just because she is in the same city does not mean there aren’t other women in the same city, get my drift? Don’t stay stuck in the idea of the past or that everything is about her. It’s your new life now and you’re back in town. Find new people to interact with and be choosy about your company. Live well. 

[vla1120]

4 hours ago, Reader99 said:

But as I get things sorted out it's been hard to not rumminate on this whole mess. I think that's something I still have to learn (mainly after two complicated relationships weighing on me).

I heard something once that stuck with me. I don't remember where, but basically, love shouldn't be so hard in the beginning. If it is hard right from the beginning, then it's probably not the relationship for you. You've had two comparably difficult relationships in a row. If you are ruminating about anything, let it be to recognize all the red flags from both of those relationships so that you do not find yourself in a similar situation in the future. Hopefully, being back on your feet financially, with your own apartment, close to the office, will give you some opportunities to socialize and make some new friends.