Author Otter2569 Posted February 11, 2022 Author Posted February 11, 2022 UPDATE : I am done. She recently ruined an evening and basically passed out from drinking. I grew up with an alcoholic father and step-father - it was a nightmare. This was like a flashback to my painful childhood that I have all but blocked out. How do I distance myself from this situation but also be supportive?
ExpatInItaly Posted February 11, 2022 Posted February 11, 2022 1 hour ago, Otter2569 said: How do I distance myself from this situation but also be supportive? Why do you want to do this? You need better boundaries for yourself. It's not your role to be supportive to a woman you've dated a few weeks. Learn to extract yourself from dysfunction rather than try to fix it. 2
Author Otter2569 Posted February 11, 2022 Author Posted February 11, 2022 10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Why do you want to do this? You need better boundaries for yourself. It's not your role to be supportive to a woman you've dated a few weeks. Learn to extract yourself from dysfunction rather than try to fix it. It's been just over 2 months and while that is not a lot of time I have also gotten to know her family. l also see a really wonderful person when she isn't drinking.
Happy Lemming Posted February 11, 2022 Posted February 11, 2022 20 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: l also see a really wonderful person when she isn't drinking. The problem is... you can't separate the "really wonderful person" from the alcohol... the two are intertwined. 1
glows Posted February 11, 2022 Posted February 11, 2022 2 hours ago, Otter2569 said: UPDATE : I am done. She recently ruined an evening and basically passed out from drinking. I grew up with an alcoholic father and step-father - it was a nightmare. This was like a flashback to my painful childhood that I have all but blocked out. How do I distance myself from this situation but also be supportive? You may be giving mixed signals while you dump someone so please be clear, firm and do not appear hell no, maybe so. Tell her that you appreciate the time you've spent with one another but mention that you aren't able to continue the relationship. I would not go into her drinking issue as this isn't a debate. You're holding yourself back from finding a partner who is more compatible with you while you drag your feet in this one. Move forward. 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 11, 2022 Posted February 11, 2022 2 hours ago, Otter2569 said: UPDATE : I am done. She recently ruined an evening and basically passed out from drinking. How do I distance myself from this situation but also be supportive? Yikes. Good call. Tell her you are not compatible. She needs to want to control her drinking and be motivated to attend rehab/detox and support groups. Don't "be supportive", that's actually enabling it. 1
Gaeta Posted February 11, 2022 Posted February 11, 2022 1 hour ago, Otter2569 said: It's been just over 2 months and while that is not a lot of time I have also gotten to know her family. l also see a really wonderful person when she isn't drinking. They're all wonderful people when they don't drink. Move on, don't stay in contact. You want to meet your next girlfriend with a clean slate, not with an ex-alcoholic-gf in tow. 1
salparadise Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Otter2569 said: It's been just over 2 months and while that is not a lot of time I have also gotten to know her family. l also see a really wonderful person when she isn't drinking. Yup, like Lemming said, you can't separate it –– it's one in the same. If you grew up with an alcoholic parent/step-parent, then you should know that this isn't your struggle, not something you can influence even a little bit. You have two choices, be the enabler/codependent or get the hell away. Alcoholics are in denial until they hit the bottom, and by that time it's just sad for everyone. If you were to try and get her to quit for you, she'd laugh you right out the door. If she's drinking every day, 3-4 at a time (and probably more) it's way beyond what we refer to as social drinking. And if her personality and mood shifts after a few drinks, well, those are indications you can't just pass off as having a good time. You really need to read some serious literature on alcoholism, in my opinion. It seems that you don't fully understand the implications. In a family situation it's not just the alcoholic with the disease, it impacts and creates dysfunction in the entire family. I can't educate you in a forum post, but I can tell you that you need to do the reading and start seeing the big picture. It's really sad and I have a lot of empathy for those affected... but in dating there are no gray areas. No sane person would knowingly choose it. Edited February 12, 2022 by salparadise 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 8 hours ago, Otter2569 said: It's been just over 2 months and while that is not a lot of time I have also gotten to know her family. l also see a really wonderful person when she isn't drinking. That is still way too short to try to be a supporter for her alcohol issues. You need to cut all ties and, again, get better at identifying and then enforcing your own boundaries. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted February 15, 2022 Author Posted February 15, 2022 (edited) I did walk away. It is a little unsettling because you see a great person with flaws. While it may be human nature to want to help I cannot willingly be part of that struggle. Thank you for the great feedback and insight. Edited February 15, 2022 by Otter2569 2 1
Pumpernickel Posted February 15, 2022 Posted February 15, 2022 31 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: I did walk away. Sorry it didn't work out. Hope she took it OK, and wasn't too upset. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted February 22, 2022 Author Posted February 22, 2022 On 2/15/2022 at 8:05 AM, Pumpernickel said: Sorry it didn't work out. Hope she took it OK, and wasn't too upset. It went about as well as you would expect but she admitted having a problem and needing to reassess her drinking. Also that this may be the wake-up call she needed. All I know is its not something that I can be a part and expect a positive outcome. 2
mortensorchid Posted February 26, 2022 Posted February 26, 2022 Would you call her an alcoholic or a person who drinks heavily? There is a difference between the two. If she is a person who drinks heavily in general yet is a lot of fun, that's okay. If she is getting fall down, stupid drunk at all times, it's not. Remember something with alcoholics and alcoholism : you can't change it. It has nothing to do with you and it's not your problem to solve. Fact. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted February 26, 2022 Author Posted February 26, 2022 12 hours ago, mortensorchid said: Remember something with alcoholics and alcoholism : you can't change it. It has nothing to do with you and it's not your problem to solve. Fact. You are 100% correct. My father was an alcoholic so I witnessed it firsthand: he lost two wives, his family, his job, his house and ultimately his life to alcohol - in spite of everyone trying to help him and multiple trips to rehab and the VA.
glows Posted February 26, 2022 Posted February 26, 2022 4 hours ago, Otter2569 said: You are 100% correct. My father was an alcoholic so I witnessed it firsthand: he lost two wives, his family, his job, his house and ultimately his life to alcohol - in spite of everyone trying to help him and multiple trips to rehab and the VA. I’m sorry to hear this. It’s good that this relationship was short and you’re free now to find someone who either doesn’t drink or drinks within reason.
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