Otter2569 Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 Ive been dating this woman who appears to have a drinking problem. Almost everything we do involves alcohol. She almost always seems to have a drink in her hand and she drinks 3-4 mixed drinks when we are together. I am not a prude by any means but I notice the alcohol factor and am getting turned off by it. How does anyone bring this up without causing a problem? She has a lot of very positive qualities and seems to be into me but drinking and or drug problems are not something I am willing to take on.
smackie9 Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 The only issue is that it's turning you off. That's not enough reason to tell someone to curb their drinking. You know she gonna tell you where to go right? 6
Allupinnit Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 8 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: Ive been dating this woman who appears to have a drinking problem. Almost everything we do involves alcohol. She almost always seems to have a drink in her hand and she drinks 3-4 mixed drinks when we are together. I am not a prude by any means but I notice the alcohol factor and am getting turned off by it. How does anyone bring this up without causing a problem? She has a lot of very positive qualities and seems to be into me but drinking and or drug problems are not something I am willing to take on. Is this the much younger woman you've been dating?
Alpacalia Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 Drinkers are not one person-- they are those when they are sober, those who wish they were drunk, and those who are drunk. Can you try going to places that doesn't serve alcohol? I think it's something that you're either on board with or not. The world has many great women who drink very little or not at all. 2
Wiseman2 Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 1 minute ago, Otter2569 said: Ive been dating this woman who appears to have a drinking problem. she drinks 3-4 mixed drinks when we are together. drinking and or drug problems are not something I am willing to take on. While it's fun now it's good to see red flags like this early on. She has probably been talked to ab out this by someone, but as usual everyone else is the "problem", so just say you're not a match. 2
Author Otter2569 Posted February 1, 2022 Author Posted February 1, 2022 7 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: Is this the much younger woman you've been dating? No. We are the same age and actually knew each other in college 20+ years ago. 1
Happy Lemming Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 Yes... I dumped a woman like that. Her drinking was just a bit too much for me to deal with. It started out fun, but it got out of hand, quickly. Similar to the woman you are dating, she always had a drink in her hand. 2
Allupinnit Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 As someone who used to have a drinking problem (I am sober now) I was much like this woman. It got to the point where I was drinking every day, even more if I was on a date. I'm sure if you asked men I dated if I had a problem they'd tell you yes, although I couldn't see it for myself at the time, and got very defensive about it. I would just stop dating her if it's an issue for you. Bringing it up to someone who doesn't see the problem is going to backfire on you, and come across as what she might perceive as controlling. 6
Johnson1 Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 (edited) 42 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: Ive been dating this woman who appears to have a drinking problem. Almost everything we do involves alcohol. She almost always seems to have a drink in her hand and she drinks 3-4 mixed drinks when we are together. I am not a prude by any means but I notice the alcohol factor and am getting turned off by it. How does anyone bring this up without causing a problem? She has a lot of very positive qualities and seems to be into me but drinking and or drug problems are not something I am willing to take on. I've dealt with this quite a few times. It all depends on how she gets when she drinks. Does she get mean and belligerent? Slur words? Get overly happy? Overly flirty? What is it you don't like about her when she does drink? Edited February 1, 2022 by Johnson1
glows Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 57 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: Ive been dating this woman who appears to have a drinking problem. Almost everything we do involves alcohol. She almost always seems to have a drink in her hand and she drinks 3-4 mixed drinks when we are together. I am not a prude by any means but I notice the alcohol factor and am getting turned off by it. How does anyone bring this up without causing a problem? She has a lot of very positive qualities and seems to be into me but drinking and or drug problems are not something I am willing to take on. The next time you both plan something together suggest something else that doesn't involve alcohol. You're dating so observe each other. This is one of those things you notice early and decide whether it's for you or not for you. Your lifestyles and views may be very dissimilar and that's not uncommon either despite admiring a person's other positive qualities. 1
Weezy1973 Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 1 hour ago, Otter2569 said: How does anyone bring this up without causing a problem? Why would you bring it up? Either you can live with it or you can’t. Expecting people to change to fit your vision of how you think people “should” be is foolish. 4
chillii Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 l suppose that's true really , but if l really liked her and saw a future with her apart from her drinking, l'd at least talk to her about it , or try. l agree she'll probably tell you where to go but , maybe not. lf she does then you.d have been going anyway before that so nothing lost , but you never know she might also be open or thinking about stopping herself. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted February 2, 2022 Author Posted February 2, 2022 3 hours ago, Johnson1 said: I've dealt with this quite a few times. It all depends on how she gets when she drinks. Does she get mean and belligerent? Slur words? Get overly happy? Overly flirty? What is it you don't like about her when she does drink? She gets slurry and a little mouthy. Not actually beligerant but you can almost watch the transformation kick in. Alcoholism runs in their family. Apparently last week a bar tender had to drive her home. She's also hit a fence going into her driveway TWICE in the few weeks weve been dating and put big scratches in her car.
Alpacalia Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: Apparently last week a bar tender had to drive her home. She's also hit a fence going into her driveway TWICE in the few weeks weve been dating and put big scratches in her car. That's not good. But reminds me of a funny story. I remember I was dating someone in law enforcement and I was driving us to our date spot (he came and picked me up). I was not drinking at all but I accidentally bumped into the car behind me as I was backing up and just sped off. It was a light tap and there wasn't any damage to the other person's vehicle. But the look on my date's face being that he was in law enforcement was priceless. You know that alcoholism runs in her family and she's always drinking and she's drinking and driving to boot. I think this goes far beyond asking her to "tone it down" with her drinking. Edited February 2, 2022 by Alpaca
Happy Lemming Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 25 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: She's also hit a fence going into her driveway TWICE in the few weeks... What if that had been a child riding his/her bicycle?? Or somebody walking their dog??
introverted1 Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 43 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: She gets slurry and a little mouthy. Not actually beligerant but you can almost watch the transformation kick in. Alcoholism runs in their family. Apparently last week a bar tender had to drive her home. She's also hit a fence going into her driveway TWICE in the few weeks weve been dating and put big scratches in her car. This would set off a parade of red flags for me. Enjoying the occasional drink is one thing. Needing to be driven home because she doesn't know her limits and/or driving while drunk is something else altogether. You can talk to her, but I doubt anything good will come of it. Personally, I'd just bow out. 4
Ami1uwant Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 6 hours ago, Otter2569 said: No. We are the same age and actually knew each other in college 20+ years ago. If you knew her that long ago was she like that then. do an activity that doesn’t involve alcohol you Don’t order alcohol if you have a meal or go to a place without a bar. she could have a problem or she could be doing this to relax. have you gone to her pla pace and see how easy it is to find alcohol?
chillii Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 The last post was a lot more than just 3 or 4 drinks in the first post, your gonna have your hands full with that one.
Wiseman2 Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 10 hours ago, Otter2569 said: last week a bar tender had to drive her home. She's also hit a fence going into her driveway TWICE in the few weeks. Problem drinkers look for pawns and enablers. Their relationship is with alcohol, everyone else is just a tool. Run. Run. Run
Author Otter2569 Posted February 2, 2022 Author Posted February 2, 2022 9 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: If you knew her that long ago was she like that then. do an activity that doesn’t involve alcohol you Don’t order alcohol if you have a meal or go to a place without a bar. she could have a problem or she could be doing this to relax. have you gone to her pla pace and see how easy it is to find alcohol? In college we had friends in common but we never really hung out together. She has a bar at her place but alcohol is almost always out of view except for an occasional bottle of wine.
smackie9 Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) 14 hours ago, Otter2569 said: She gets slurry and a little mouthy. Not actually beligerant but you can almost watch the transformation kick in. Alcoholism runs in their family. Apparently last week a bar tender had to drive her home. She's also hit a fence going into her driveway TWICE in the few weeks weve been dating and put big scratches in her car. I drink myself and to me she's a $%^& show. Not sure why this wouldn't be an automatic deal breaker to YOU. Run for the hills! Edited February 2, 2022 by smackie9
dramafreezone Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) 21 hours ago, Otter2569 said: Ive been dating this woman who appears to have a drinking problem. Almost everything we do involves alcohol. She almost always seems to have a drink in her hand and she drinks 3-4 mixed drinks when we are together. I am not a prude by any means but I notice the alcohol factor and am getting turned off by it. How does anyone bring this up without causing a problem? She has a lot of very positive qualities and seems to be into me but drinking and or drug problems are not something I am willing to take on. There's a difference between daily drinking, problem drinking, and alcoholic (though they frequently overlap). Someone can drink daily and not have a problem with alcohol. Someone can also drink once a month and be an alcoholic. All of this should be evaluated and diagnosed by a qualified clinician. I don't think there will be any bringing it up without it being a problem. You mentioned drug problems too? And I see in the later posts you really undersold the issues that she's having. What if you get married and she's driving two of your kids home and gets in a wreck that's due to her drinking? Do you not see the worst case scenario here? Seems like you already know what you have to do. Edited February 2, 2022 by dramafreezone
ExpatInItaly Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 19 hours ago, Otter2569 said: Apparently last week a bar tender had to drive her home. She's also hit a fence going into her driveway TWICE in the few weeks weve been dating and put big scratches in her car. I wouldn't even bother bringing this up. I would simply end it. There is no way I would be able to (or even want to) continue dating someone like this. 2
Allupinnit Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 2 hours ago, dramafreezone said: There's a difference between daily drinking, problem drinking, and alcoholic (though they frequently overlap). Someone can drink daily and not have a problem with alcohol. Someone can also drink once a month and be an alcoholic. All of this should be evaluated and diagnosed by a qualified clinician. I don't think there will be any bringing it up without it being a problem. You mentioned drug problems too? And I see in the later posts you really undersold the issues that she's having. What if you get married and she's driving two of your kids home and gets in a wreck that's due to her drinking? Do you not see the worst case scenario here? Seems like you already know what you have to do. Not to derail the thread but I disagree with this. If you're drinking daily then I'd argue you DO have some things to consider about WHY. Alcohol (ethanol) is poison, a class 1 carcinogen, and highly addictive by nature. It is the drug itself and not "weak minded" people who are to blame for lives going completely off the rails due to its destructive nature. If someone is drinking every day the health effects of this alone are enough to give pause - cirrhosis of the liver, liver scarring, liver failure, high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, liver disease, and digestive problems (to name just a few of the PHYSICAL repercussions). For me personally, it went even beyond that. My sleep was crap. My anxiety was triggered. I'd get mouthy with my husband. I am not the type who can enjoy a glass with dinner, I'd put away the whole bottle and then the same thing the following night because my body was trying to reset back to zero. We also live in a culture where the advertising for alcohol rivals that of cigarettes in decades past, and that is ON PURPOSE. To get us hooked on something bad for us. 1 1
Author Otter2569 Posted February 11, 2022 Author Posted February 11, 2022 On 2/2/2022 at 3:23 PM, ExpatInItaly said: I wouldn't even bother bringing this up. I would simply end it. There is no way I would be able to (or even want to) continue dating someone like this. Unfortunately I am too empathetic for my own good. I see a great person and a nice family but it is ultimately a toxic situation: if I stay it will be a nightmare, if I go will that push her into drinking. I grew up with an alcoholic father and step-father - it was a nightmare. I need to be far away from this but also want to be supportive?
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