MarcoInaros Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 I've posted about this in my previous posts, but I was in a relationship between August 2020 through February 2021. She dumped me, and I learned a lot of lessons from that experience. Unfortunately, I have found it to be extremely difficult to find someone else. In fact, I have had a number of really bad experiences dating since then, with women ghosting me, women with ulterior motives (one wanted me to get her pregnant so she could collect child support), and just women not giving a s*** about me in general. It's been painful. I'm on the dating apps and trying to get out and meet people. But it just seems impossible to find a connection because women don't seem to be receptive or interested. I'm reading self-help books because I want to understand what my problem is, why I in particular cannot seem to find a connection and am perpetually, chronically single. I wonder if my perception is flawed, or if I am not doing something right. Am I not presenting myself well. or following the right etiquette. I'm at the point where I haven't had a relationship or intimacy for one year. I feel like I have lost everything. I've lost any experience dating, and any experience i had with sex, after the few times I had it. It's been so long it's just turning into a faded memory. Meanwhile everyone seems to be ahead of me, forming relationships, or already in them. The situation feels dire to me, because I'm going no where it seems, and I'm not getting younger. And I am experiencing so many failures with women. I feel like I can't identify what the problems are unless I have a life coach with me watching me and giving me tips and telling me what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I can solve any of these problems on a forum with anonymous people, but at least it feels good to get this off my chest. But I guess the question is how to start over, especially after a full year of nothing.
Calmandfocused Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 Op, I hear you. I am exactly the same position. You need to understand 2 things: 1) your defeatist attitude will get you nowhere. It will radiate off you and could potentially be working against you. 2) You will not connect with the majority of women you meet. This is normal and should be expected. My view is that you need to stop making a relationship so important in your life . Your happiness should not depend on your relationship status. Focus on yourself, change your attitude and be more picky about the women you date. This gives yourself a much higher chance of meeting someone you connect with. 3
Happy Lemming Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 8 hours ago, MarcoInaros said: Am I not presenting myself well... This is actually very important. How are you presenting yourself?? Do you consider your appearance average or better?? What is your BMI?? What is you height?? What is your weight?? What is your body type?? How are you dressing?? (As an example, I never leave the house in just a T-shirt, I always wear a collared shirt) Then we move on to communication?? Can you chit-chat with people?? Do you know how to start a conversation?? Can you use your surroundings to start a conversation with a woman?? I'm fully aware of Omicron and restrictions in some areas, but are you going out during the week and weekends?? Although, the vast majority of the women I dated I met at pubs/bars; I've also met some great women other places including: (1) College (2) Co-ed Sports (3) Friend’s Party (4) Long Bank Line (5) Used Computer Parts Show (6) Food Festival (7) Through mutual friends (8) Worked in same office building – different company (9) Used book store (10) Ice Skating (11) Apartment Complex Pool – current girlfriend Do any of these appeal to you?? Sound like someplace you could go and attempt to meet women?? 1
smackie9 Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 (edited) Just because you go on a dating app doesn't mean things are going to fall into your lap. dating apps in a lot of cases, doesn't work. A change of perspective and attitude does. Stop letting the bad experiences define who you are. You over invest emotionally, and it's now caught up to you making you so bitter and frustrated. Focus on having fun and enjoy doing new things. When you fill your life with positive activities, have a bright happy attitude, a spring in your step and a smile on your face, etc, you will attract the right kind of person. Edited February 1, 2022 by smackie9 3
Author MarcoInaros Posted February 1, 2022 Author Posted February 1, 2022 2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: This is actually very important. How are you presenting yourself?? Do you consider your appearance average or better?? What is your BMI?? What is you height?? What is your weight?? What is your body type?? How are you dressing?? (As an example, I never leave the house in just a T-shirt, I always wear a collared shirt) Then we move on to communication?? Can you chit-chat with people?? Do you know how to start a conversation?? Can you use your surroundings to start a conversation with a woman?? I'm fully aware of Omicron and restrictions in some areas, but are you going out during the week and weekends?? Although, the vast majority of the women I dated I met at pubs/bars; I've also met some great women other places including: (1) College (2) Co-ed Sports (3) Friend’s Party (4) Long Bank Line (5) Used Computer Parts Show (6) Food Festival (7) Through mutual friends (8) Worked in same office building – different company (9) Used book store (10) Ice Skating (11) Apartment Complex Pool – current girlfriend Do any of these appeal to you?? Sound like someplace you could go and attempt to meet women?? I'm 6'1", 42 years old, 207 lbs, BMI 27.3, so yes I am overweight. I'm working on that. I do have some nice clothes and I try to dress well. Like for instance since it's cold, I've been wearing quarter zip sweaters with a shirt. I have a hard time going out by myself and hitting on women that way. I really need a crew to be with. This has been really hard because everyone is busy. But sometimes I go out and do social activities, like trivia nights. But I would like to go out more, just not by myself. I need some mates. I have a dog now, so that's an opportunity to meet people, but also a restraint because I have to be around her a lot. I would absolutely love to meet more people and women outside in the real world. I wish I could find my girlfriend that way. I'm 42, so I'm not in college any more. But I go to the gym, trivia nights, sometimes breweries, and several of those other places you mentioned.
Happy Lemming Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 13 minutes ago, MarcoInaros said: I have a hard time going out by myself and hitting on women that way. Practice makes perfect. The more times you do it, the easier it gets. Each time you go out (by yourself) and talk to a woman you take the power away from that fear. You can beat it. You don't need "a crew" around you to meet women. I've found I did much better by myself. 1
Author MarcoInaros Posted February 1, 2022 Author Posted February 1, 2022 23 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Practice makes perfect. The more times you do it, the easier it gets. Each time you go out (by yourself) and talk to a woman you take the power away from that fear. You can beat it. You don't need "a crew" around you to meet women. I've found I did much better by myself. Can I do this on my own? It's not working on my own. That's the point of my post. Nothing is working. My romantic life and history is absolutely s***. I need a wingman/woman. A coach I think.
Happy Lemming Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 25 minutes ago, MarcoInaros said: A coach I think. You don't need a coach... You need to utilize the circumstances around you to initiate a conversation. As an example, I met one woman at a used computer parts show (years ago). I noticed she was carrying an ASUS motherboard. I commented "Great choice in motherboards, are you building your own computer from scratch??" She said yes and we proceeded to talk about processors, RAM, hard drives, etc. etc. The place had a little area for coffee, so I asked her if she wanted to continue our conversation over a cup of coffee, she did. We talked a while and exchanged phone numbers. In a day or two, I called her, set up an interesting date, she said "yes" and we went out. This led to a 2nd date, 3rd and so on and so forth. I used the circumstances around me to initiate a conversation. I taught myself to talk to everyone, as I went throughout my day. Soon it just became natural and easy. Trust me... if I can do it, so can you. And you can do this by yourself, you don't need a wingman. Women like confident men, confidence comes with practice. When you go to these "trivia nights"; I'm sure there is a whole host of subjects that would be appropriate to initiate a conversation. Again, it just take practice!! 1
Coasting1991 Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 2 hours ago, MarcoInaros said: I'm 6'1", 42 years old, 207 lbs, BMI 27.3, so yes I am overweight. I'm working on that. I really need a crew to be with. This has been really hard because everyone is busy. But sometimes I go out and do social activities, like trivia nights. But I would like to go out more, just not by myself. I need some mates. Can you join a sport? I play a sport and it's great for keeping fit, meeting/making friends to hang out with, and also gives me a sense of purpose to try and be the best version of myself so that I can help my team win. That confidence/drive can carry over to other aspects of your life. The ages on my team range from 21 to late fifties, so it's never too late.
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 2 hours ago, MarcoInaros said: I'm 6'1", 42 years old, 207 lbs, BMI 27.3, so yes I am overweight. You need to change your perception of many things. You are not overweight. Stop comparing yourself to the tik tok, FB and instagram. Being single 1 year is not 'long'. It's actually pretty short and it's time off we need to recenter ourself before jumping into another relationship. Online dating is hart and it takes time. It took me 3 years to find a suitable bf last time I tried it and I got the looks. Your desperate over all frame of mind is not attractive to women in general. You won't attract bees with vinagar. 1
Alpacalia Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 Often, relationships shape us, and breakups shake us to our core. You can try a little exercise - it will elevate your mood and release endorphins and serotonin. How about going on a little trip? You never know what you'll learn or the people you'll meet. 1
Author MarcoInaros Posted February 1, 2022 Author Posted February 1, 2022 4 minutes ago, Alpaca said: Often, relationships shape us, and breakups shake us to our core. You can try a little exercise - it will elevate your mood and release endorphins and serotonin. How about going on a little trip? You never know what you'll learn or the people you'll meet. Actually, I do get a lot of exercise through walking my dog and crossfit. Also, I am going on a little trip in a few weeks to New Orleans for my birthday. So thank you, you are right. 1
notbroken Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 Desperation and feeling low repel people. Stop. You are NOT fat, 1 year is not long in the grand scheme of things, and you don't need a crew - in fact they may be harming you. Girls aren't attracted to a bunch of guys acting like knuckleheads. Talk to women. Not about the latest video game or touchdowns scored in the last game - but about them and things they might like. Show confidence. Fake it till you make it as they say. Make an effort to talk to women and you will soon find one you like and likes you back. Putting too much pressure on yourself to find 'the one' actual repels them. Take the pressure off. No one conversation with a lady equals success or failure. Put yourself in situations to talk to women - either through bars, the internet, church, the grocery store, etc - and talk to them as yourself. Don't be someone else. Be you. A confident version of you. 1
mortensorchid Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 I'm sorry to hear this. If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone. You can and do feel like you're all alone in it, but I don't share things like this with others. But I digress ... All you can do is present yourself and be as happy as you can be. We all have issues and problems from our past and present. It's horrific, when you're young you think that you're going to grow up, get married and have kids. Instead, you find out life is like an episode of Gossip Girl except everyone's old and fat and poor. Ha ha ha ... My motto is to "Keep moving forward", and that's all you can do. Keep moving forward.
Maldives Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) Try 5 and half yrs lol. I should add I got rid of all the dating apps. After yrs of going on and off them for me I've just found they don't work and can especially for someone in your mind frame make you feel worse. I feel a lot better after jumping off them. I did meet one or two I dated that went nowhere but had some fun. Ive found it very hard to meet woman on the apps as they get a tonne of messages and are probably overwhelmed. Where as men not so much too much competition on the apps. Then there's the scammers and fake profiles and trying to build attraction over messages. My suggestion would be to get rid of em as a starting point then go from there Edited February 2, 2022 by Goodguy05
Author MarcoInaros Posted February 2, 2022 Author Posted February 2, 2022 4 hours ago, mortensorchid said: I'm sorry to hear this. If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone. You can and do feel like you're all alone in it, but I don't share things like this with others. But I digress ... All you can do is present yourself and be as happy as you can be. We all have issues and problems from our past and present. It's horrific, when you're young you think that you're going to grow up, get married and have kids. Instead, you find out life is like an episode of Gossip Girl except everyone's old and fat and poor. Ha ha ha ... My motto is to "Keep moving forward", and that's all you can do. Keep moving forward. I agree with this. Except my life is more like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you think there's hope for me at 42? I feel down.
Happy Lemming Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 7 hours ago, MarcoInaros said: Do you think there's hope for me at 42? I feel down. I was 46 or 47 when I met my current girlfriend of 10 years. Of course you can meet someone at 42, she isn't going to come knock on your door, though. You have to go out (into the real world) and find her. She is out there... 1
glows Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 8 hours ago, MarcoInaros said: I agree with this. Except my life is more like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you think there's hope for me at 42? I feel down. You may have to ascribe less to the philosophy of blame and derision. All that self loathing won’t attract the kind of people you may be looking for. Let go of that dark cloud.
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