turokturok5 Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 There had been "tension" building between us for a few weeks leading up to it - lots of flirting at work and on nights out with friends. I eventually invited her to my house and made a move on her. After the sex, she was cuddling up to me and started saying some strange things and looked a bit confused. She said "wow that was really unexpected" and that she felt weird because she hadn't had sex with anyone in almost a year. We talked about this for a little bit, but then had sex again and then she went home shortly after. The next day she sent me a very long message asking me to keep it a secret and apologizing about how she was acting after we had sex. She said that she started overthinking things, got very confused, felt like things happened way too fast and was upset that we didn't take it slower. She let me know that she didn't regret it, but what happened just wasn't "her". I apologized for moving too fast and agreed to keep it a secret and asked if she would prefer to just be friends. She replied by saying that it wasn't my fault because she wanted it and she thought it would be a good idea to keep things platonic "for now", because her head was in a real mess and she didn't really understand what was going on with her. But then said she had a really great night with me? I let her know that it would be best to just keep things friendly if she is unsure about us and to hit me up if she manages to figure out what she wants. She replied by saying "oh don't worry I definitely will". We saw eachother at work the next day and it was not awkward at all, things have continued on as flirty/friendly as usual. I'm not going to hold out for her because this entire situation seems very bizarre to me, but I was just wondering if anyone had any opinions about this? I guess I'm just trying to understand the female mind because this is not the first time I've slept with somebody and they have acted very strange afterwards and gotten "confused" about how they feel towards me.
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 3 minutes ago, turokturok5 said: The next day she sent me a very long message asking me to keep it a secret Unfortunately it seems like she regretted it. Was she drinking? Just honor her request to keep it confidential and step back. Act professional at work. If you like her you can always ask her for a date that doesn't turn into a too much too soon hookup. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 Maybe she's been seeing someone else on the sly at work as well, and doesn't want word getting around that she slept with you. Whatever the reason, she seems to regret it even if she isn't directly saying so. Or at least, doesn't want to do it again. All you can do is keep things civial and professional at work and keep moving. It doesn't appear this is going to go anywhere. 3
Author turokturok5 Posted January 31, 2022 Author Posted January 31, 2022 No we were both sober and I gave her plenty of opportunities to change her mind. She is quite shy and comes across as very nervous and is a lot younger than me (I'm 27 and she is 20) so I'm not sure if she is just being insecure, she isn't very experienced sexually. I get the impression that she regrets it as well, but she still acts VERY friendly towards me at work and told me not to watch this tv series we were watching together whilst she "gets her head on straight" because she still wants to watch it together.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 22 minutes ago, turokturok5 said: but she still acts VERY friendly towards me at work and told me not to watch this tv series we were watching together whilst she "gets her head on straight" because she still wants to watch it together. Eh, she's making typical young-woman mistakes (the kind I used to make when I was her age and fumbling through men and dating) She doesn't know what she wants, but she's trying to keep you on hold until she decides if what she wants is you. If she were into you, she wouldn't need to "get her head on straight." She'd be jumping at the chance to see you and spend more time with you. Something is holding her back. And I have a feeling it's not a something, but a someone. Someone with whom she hasn't quite figured out whether there is more happening. I would keep your distance and not engage in any talk of what may or may not happen once she's sorted herself out. Be professional at work but don't give her the impression you're going to hang around waiting either. 2
Author turokturok5 Posted January 31, 2022 Author Posted January 31, 2022 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: Eh, she's making typical young-woman mistakes (the kind I used to make when I was her age and fumbling through men and dating) She doesn't know what she wants, but she's trying to keep you on hold until she decides if what she wants is you. If she were into you, she wouldn't need to "get her head on straight." She'd be jumping at the chance to see you and spend more time with you. Something is holding her back. And I have a feeling it's not a something, but a someone. Someone with whom she hasn't quite figured out whether there is more happening. I would keep your distance and not engage in any talk of what may or may not happen once she's sorted herself out. Be professional at work but don't give her the impression you're going to hang around waiting either. Thanks this makes sense. I just found out from a mutual friend that a few weeks ago, she had been trying to rekindle things with an ex boyfriend (who had recently broke up with his girlfriend), but it didn't work out because he just ended up going back to his ex and kicked her to the curb. Do you think she is just genuinely confused? Usually in these circumstances I would leave the ball in her court (which I've done by telling her to let me know if she is keen to hang out when she figures her stuff out), go no contact and move on. But I can't help but feel like this is the wrong approach with this girl. She said that she was loving getting to know me, spending time together and wished that we didn't move so quickly because she wanted to take it slow. Will going no contact just make me look like a dick?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 1 minute ago, turokturok5 said: Do you think she is just genuinely confused? No. I don't think she's confused at all, actually. I think she still wants her ex is hurting from his recent rejection of her. She found some solace and comfort in you, but it's him she truly wants. And she is probably still holding out hope they can rekindle. If they don't, that is when you will suddenly find that she has "gotten her head on straight" and she comes looking for you. But that won't be for the right reasons. And no, going No Contact will simply make it look like you have boundaries. You don't need to freeze her out at work, but you have to be careful not to be the fall-back guy she goes to for attention when she's lonely, bored or sad about her ex. Because trust me, most of us have made that mistake with guy we were "meh" about but knew liked us and would keep up company while we healed from something. Rookie mistake. 2
stillafool Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 1 hour ago, turokturok5 said: Will going no contact just make me look like a dick? No it would be the right thing to do and stop flirting with her. 2
smackie9 Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 (edited) She had an itch and got it scratched. It was just a one night stand. She's pushing you to move on and forget about it, because she wants to too. pretend it didn't happen. Edited January 31, 2022 by smackie9 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 1 hour ago, turokturok5 said: Will going no contact just make me look like a dick? Ask her on a real date that is not fast and furious leading to a hookup. Yes she regrets it and may have just wanted relief from her breakup.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 (edited) She's conflicted---as in she's being pulled in different directions. She's not comfortable with having sex with you again. She's unsettled about having sex with you the first time. She's not articulating her feelings clearly, but there is no confusion. Someone you have sex with expresses regret, move on, the thing ain't gonna work. And there is nothing you did wrong. Lots of people have conflicting feelings. Lots of people have sex when emotionally they're not feeling free and clear about doing so. Just continue to be kind to her at work. At some point, she'll likely get more clear. Edited January 31, 2022 by Lotsgoingon
dramafreezone Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 (edited) Just give her space and be cordial. Don't contribute to any awkwardness by talking about feelings or where is this going. A lot of people get uncomfortable when they feel trapped into something, whether imagined or real. Just be cool and don't force her into interactions if she's clearly uncomfortable. That's not going no contact, it's just giving space. Edited January 31, 2022 by dramafreezone
glows Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 7 hours ago, turokturok5 said: There had been "tension" building between us for a few weeks leading up to it - lots of flirting at work and on nights out with friends. I eventually invited her to my house and made a move on her. After the sex, she was cuddling up to me and started saying some strange things and looked a bit confused. She said "wow that was really unexpected" and that she felt weird because she hadn't had sex with anyone in almost a year. We talked about this for a little bit, but then had sex again and then she went home shortly after. The next day she sent me a very long message asking me to keep it a secret and apologizing about how she was acting after we had sex. She said that she started overthinking things, got very confused, felt like things happened way too fast and was upset that we didn't take it slower. She let me know that she didn't regret it, but what happened just wasn't "her". I apologized for moving too fast and agreed to keep it a secret and asked if she would prefer to just be friends. She replied by saying that it wasn't my fault because she wanted it and she thought it would be a good idea to keep things platonic "for now", because her head was in a real mess and she didn't really understand what was going on with her. But then said she had a really great night with me? I let her know that it would be best to just keep things friendly if she is unsure about us and to hit me up if she manages to figure out what she wants. She replied by saying "oh don't worry I definitely will". We saw eachother at work the next day and it was not awkward at all, things have continued on as flirty/friendly as usual. I'm not going to hold out for her because this entire situation seems very bizarre to me, but I was just wondering if anyone had any opinions about this? I guess I'm just trying to understand the female mind because this is not the first time I've slept with somebody and they have acted very strange afterwards and gotten "confused" about how they feel towards me. I don't think it is so bizarre. This has nothing to do with understanding the "female mind" and everything to do with taking the hint and keeping your distance when you sense someone is unsure. Remain professional at work and remain friendly with her but this isn't going to progress any further if you're inviting her over for cuddle/sex sessions only and because she's not in the right mindframe. Do you wish to date her? If so act more like it and ask her out and actually date her. Cut your losses and remain professional/cordial if she is not interested or declines the offer. This isn't likely to go far however so weigh your options more carefully. If you are waiting on her to give you clear signs she's into you and expecting her also to behave consistently, this is likely not going to happen. She told you she's "a real mess" so let this go if you have high hopes for something more meaningful.
Yosemite Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 Isn't this like the third coworker that you've slept with? You're probably getting a bit of a reputation at work and this girl is probably embarrassed that she's the latest name on your list. It's not at all surprising that she wants to keep it secret at work. Going no contact right after having first time sex is rude and cold. Why can't you be friendly and make small talk like you did before? Don't sleep with her again, be friendly with her at work, and if you're interested in a relationship with her, ask her on dates and don't have sex with her for the first 3 or 4 dates. 1
vwisme Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 First, stop having sex with people you work with. This isn't mad men. Secondly, just as a rule of thumb, I'd look up the "F yes or F no" law by Mark Manson. That should answer your question. If someone is hot and cold/wishy washy, why waste your time. Adults communicate what they want clearly.
Author turokturok5 Posted February 1, 2022 Author Posted February 1, 2022 Correct I have slept with a few coworkers but I'm living and working at a hospital in a small rural farming town...there aren't many young single girls working outside of the hospital so my options are very limited. New struggle is that a girl I actually don't work with has just asked me to go out with her. But again, being a small town she knows the girl I have just slept with. What's confused me about the girl I have just slept with is the fact that she is saying things like she just wants to be platonic "for now" whilst she figures her s*** out because she thinks things happened too quickly between us. I know this is most likely a cop out and I shouldn't be expected to sit around and wait for her to make up her mind about me, but on the off chance that she is genuinely just in a bit of a mental rut and she does eventually want to reconnect with me, won't going out with another girl make me look like an a**h***? Is it suitable for me to message her and just let her know that I don't want to be kept in limbo?
Wiseman2 Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 50 minutes ago, turokturok5 said: Is it suitable for me to message her and just let her know that I don't want to be kept in limbo? Either ask her out again...or not. Why confront her and about what? How are you in limbo if you're not asking her out? There are dating apps specific to your situation, Farmers Only is one.. There's plenty of other dating apps as well. The workplace is not a singles club.
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