I ignored the person I like because of my anxiety/fear of rejection. Is there still hope here?

[Dog Lover 82]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Just wave and say hello next time you pass or run into him at the gym. I often smile and then realize no one can see it under my mask. 

I don’t think you’ve messed anything up at all. He sounds shy also. 

 

OK, I'll try to forget about this little blip and try harder next time. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

OK, I'll try to forget about this little blip and try harder next time. 

Do you have social anxiety or just get tongue-tied around people you're attracted to?

[Dog Lover 82]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

I think another suggestion is to talk to lots of people. Right now it sounds like you just hold out hope that you can talk to guys or other "important" people that mean something to your life. One of the first things you should do is talk to everyone or at least try to. If you get more comfortable just talking to people in general, such as strangers who have no bearing on your life, you will get more resilient and more comfortable. In a way what you are doing is saving the moment you need to talk to a stranger, ie cute guy at the gym, for the most heavily weighted moments where you care the most and the outcome means a lot to you. Coupled with both your real social anxiety and your perceptions and thoughts that you have (whether true or untrue) about the nature of your social anxiety, you are really putting yourself in an uphill battle. 

First you have to get more practice and experience. One way you can do that is with people that aren't weighted so heavily in your life such as just normal strangers (women, waiters, older people, kids). Try not to be so linear with who you choose to speak to--right now each time you do, there is a motive. Try not to have a motive just to be a friendly human. You should get more resilient with the possible rejection that comes from these sorts of strangers and it will dial down the importance. Which is the second thing you need to do with regards to cute guys that you are interested in--try to turn down the expectation of "what it will or could be or how you could f*ck that up". Try to just make it about saying hi to a friendly face that you obviously recognize and see all the time. Think about it like a friend is really how you should take it--it may go farther but maybe not. Try to just stay in the present. And thirdly, what is the worst that can happen? Right now your system is taking over and your mind and you are thinking "what the worst could be" as much much much worse than what it ever could be. Bring yourself down to earth with reality of what really is the worst that could happen. Keep it in perspective. Good luck

Absolutely. While I'm not perfect about this (it changes from day to day) I've made immense progress being more open/approachable to everyday people. I was very pleased with myself yesterday for having had a good conversation with a cashier, as small as that may sound. The biggest hurdle is still with the men I'm attracted to, but I know I need to continue practicing with everybody and I need to look at him as just another friendly person. In fact, every time I've smiled at him he has been very receptive to me. I think I just got scared of being the first one to acknowledge the other. And then of course I was upset and ashamed afterwards.

[Dog Lover 82]

12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Yes I do. I have it but over came it, I work with people who have it and have seen it, work with them to gain confidence, and known those who indeed progressed with exposure/encouragement. Baby steps. You push yourself to just do one thing at a time. You don't die, nothing bad happens, and you get rewarded with a normal positive response. You say hi to someone and smile, 99.9% they say hi and smile back. To a guy, that's a green light to take the lead and approach you. Seriously you really don't have to do anything else.

I agree. It's just been so deeply ingrained in me to be this way for almost 40 years so it's incredibly difficult for me to overcome. Believe me, my mind was telling me to look over and say hello but then my body wouldn't do it. And then I felt upset and ashamed afterwards. And yes, I agree that people are very receptive. In fact, the times I have smiled at this particular guy in the past he was extremely warm to me. 

[Dog Lover 82]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have social anxiety or just get tongue-tied around people you're attracted to?

What happens is that I get terrified to look at them and I basically shut down. But if I'm brave enough to make eye contact and/or smile, the conversations are usually just fine. In fact, the few conversations I've had with this particular guy in the past felt good...very warm and nice. There were a few nerves, but nothing too bad. It's just that initial hurdle of putting myself out there and being vulnerable I guess. I've improved a lot on it, believe it or not. It really only pops up with men I'm attracted to these days.

[smackie9]

5 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I agree. It's just been so deeply ingrained in me to be this way for almost 40 years so it's incredibly difficult for me to overcome. Believe me, my mind was telling me to look over and say hello but then my body wouldn't do it. And then I felt upset and ashamed afterwards. And yes, I agree that people are very receptive. In fact, the times I have smiled at this particular guy in the past he was extremely warm to me. 

The trick is to focus on that...the positive response and how good it makes you feel.

Edited January 30, 2022 by smackie9

[Dog Lover 82]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The trick is to focus on that...the positive response and how good it make you feel.

That's a good point. And I have zero evidence that this particular person is anything but friendly so I don't think the risk is as much as I'm making it out to be in my head.

As you've worked through your anxiety have you/did have any other sorts of ways to keep yourself in check? I used to wear a little bracelet to the gym that would remind me to try to make eye contact with people. Just wondering what other things might be effective when I have to actively battle those anxious feelings telling me to "escape." 

[smackie9]

5 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

That's a good point. And I have zero evidence that this particular person is anything but friendly so I don't think the risk is as much as I'm making it out to be in my head.

As you've worked through your anxiety have you/did have any other sorts of ways to keep yourself in check? I used to wear a little bracelet to the gym that would remind me to try to make eye contact with people. Just wondering what other things might be effective when I have to actively battle those anxious feelings telling me to "escape." 

no I just mentally gave myself a kick in the pants. Got angry with myself. Told myself I was being stupid. Pushing yourself is the best way. I did the escaping thing with objects, etc...it turned obsessive, so I wouldn't go that route. Don't rely on anything but your mental drive to get through it.

Edited January 30, 2022 by smackie9

[Dog Lover 82]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

no I just mentally gave myself a kick in the pants. Got angry with myself. Told myself I was being stupid. Pushing yourself is the best way. I did the escaping thing with objects, etc...it turned obsessive, so I wouldn't go that route. Don't rely on anything but your mental drive to get through it.

OK, I'm starting to actually feel a lot better now. I know I've made progress. I just had a setback. What you said about focusing on the good feelings was quite simple but helpful for my perspective right now.

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

OK, I'm starting to actually feel a lot better now. I know I've made progress. I just had a setback. What you said about focusing on the good feelings was quite simple but helpful for my perspective right now.

That's a great start! You will get there. It's no cure but you will be able to navigate better socially. Just one small action can make a huge difference.

[Dog Lover 82]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

That's a great start! You will get there. It's no cure but you will be able to navigate better socially. Just one small action can make a huge difference.

Yeah, I mean even the fact that I made direct eye contact with this person in our previous interactions and smiled is much more than what I could have done a few years ago. Plus, I did make an attempt to look up at him after a few minutes but he wasn't looking at that point. So there was an attempt, it just took me longer than I wanted and it came after my self soothing behaviors. 

[smackie9]

Tip: Tell yourself, damn he didn't see that. Accept challenge...get in his space a little, or walked by nonchalantly no eye contact or anything. Let him see you to get yourself in his head. Then a short time later try again to catch his eye...guaranteed he's gonna be looking.

[Dog Lover 82]

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Tip: Tell yourself, damn he didn't see that. Accept challenge...get in his space a little, or walked by nonchalantly no eye contact or anything. Let him see you to get yourself in his head. Then a short time later try again to catch his eye...guaranteed he's gonna be looking.

Haha. That sounds pretty advanced for me but I can give it a try. I already have a very strong feeling that he's interested in me, which makes my anxiety seem even more ridiculous.

But I also wonder how he would respond at this point after I ignored him. He probably thinks I'm completely not interested. When I try to switch places and think about how that would have made me feel, I think I would have been pretty hurt and written the person off as not interested/cold. 

[dramafreezone]

19 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I have a strong feeling from our previous interactions and his behavior that he's interested in me, but I fell back into my old anxious ways. And even today it seemed like he was purposely positioning himself closer to me but I was just so nervous to see him that I shut down. I guess I'm wondering how men would feel if they encountered a woman who didn't acknowledge them in this situation after they'd already talked a few times...but to be fair he also didn't acknowledge me...but to be even more fair he was probably scared since I didn't look at him. Anyway, do you think there is still hope in this situation despite the setback today? 

 

I wouldn't overreact to one day.  I think reasonable guys know that everyone has a bad day and you're not going to always be doing backflips when you see the other person.

That said hopefully this isn't a trend for you and this guy.  If you like the guy you have to participate in the courtship.  I don't expect the woman to ask the man out but being inviting, pleasant, smiling, those are minimum prerequisites.  I know how women act when they don't want to be approached and it's like you acted, avoiding eye contact, positioning yourself away from the guy, ignoring him.  Throw the guy a bone if you like him, he shouldn't have to do everything.

Edited January 30, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Dog Lover 82]

17 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I wouldn't overreact to one day.  I think reasonable guys know that everyone has a bad day and you're not going to always be doing backflips when you see the other person.

That said hopefully this isn't a trend for you and this guy.  If you like the guy you have to participate in the courtship.  I don't expect the woman to ask the man out but being inviting, pleasant, smiling, those are minimum prerequisites.  I know how women act when they don't want to be approached and it's like you acted, avoiding eye contact, positioning yourself away from the guy, ignoring him.  Throw the guy a bone if you like him, he shouldn't have to do everything.

OK, I was just worried that maybe I ruined any progress I'd made in the situation but it's good to hear that it's probably recoverable. I'm going to try really hard not to panic next time and just look over and say hello. As others mentioned, most people are very receptive to that and I have no reason to believe he wouldn't be.

I don't think this is a trend. We've had several nice conversations. The previous two interactions were me looking directly at him and smiling, which led to a conversation, and a mutual wave when he passed by me during a meeting (a little complicated again because we were all wearing masks and I was busy with colleagues, but I think it was fine). The other interactions we've had I think he's shown quite a bit of interest, getting into my space, smiling a lot and positioning himself near me a lot. Not sure why I'm still nervous after all of that.

I think part of the problem is that I hadn't seen him in a few months because I was at my mother's house in another state for the holidays. I was completely caught off guard when I saw him...and my mom lives in a pretty rural area and didn't want to go out anywhere because of COVID, so I've had pretty limited social interactions since November. I haven't had a big crush in a while either, so I'm working through that. Haha. 😬

[dramafreezone]

Well you're nervous because you really like the guy.  It's like bears though, he's nervous too, and he's just a guy.  His armpits smell, he belches, blows snot rockets just like all of the others.  Pardon the crass visuals but you get the point, he's just a guy.

But no I don't think you've ruined anything by one awkward encounter (or non-encounter).  One great interaction will wipe out any memory of the cold shoulder if he's even thinking about it anymore.

[Dog Lover 82]

23 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Well you're nervous because you really like the guy.  It's like bears though, he's nervous too, and he's just a guy.  His armpits smell, he belches, blows snot rockets just like all of the others.  Pardon the crass visuals but you get the point, he's just a guy.

But no I don't think you've ruined anything by one awkward encounter (or non-encounter).  One great interaction will wipe out any memory of the cold shoulder if he's even thinking about it anymore.

Now that I think about it, I think you're right. I had similar encounters with two other guys at my gym a while back. I was worried I'd ruined it all (even though they were just practice for me...wasn't too attracted). The next time I made contact with them they both asked me out though.

And I'll try to remember that underneath all that cuteness there is a smelly belcher. 🤣

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

And I'll try to remember that underneath all that cuteness there is a smelly belcher. 🤣

Not just that.  It's really important to remember that beauty is only skin deep.  Under the cute facade, there might be someone who's not nice at all.   And behind the facade of someone who has regular features, there may well be a very good man.   

[glows]

7 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

Haha. That sounds pretty advanced for me but I can give it a try. I already have a very strong feeling that he's interested in me, which makes my anxiety seem even more ridiculous.

But I also wonder how he would respond at this point after I ignored him. He probably thinks I'm completely not interested. When I try to switch places and think about how that would have made me feel, I think I would have been pretty hurt and written the person off as not interested/cold. 

Yes, perhaps. If someone wants to go so far as that but the regular or average person isn’t likely to hold this against you. Change things around and greet him next time. You don’t have to work so hard. Just be yourself and genuine. 

Try working on that negative self-talk also. “He probably thinks I’m completely not interested.” You do not know what he thinks so don’t assume of others. Only focus on your own actions and behaviours. If you’re inviting and welcoming by greeting someone it’s likely to be reciprocated so start there.

[Dog Lover 82]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Not just that.  It's really important to remember that beauty is only skin deep.  Under the cute facade, there might be someone who's not nice at all.   And behind the facade of someone who has regular features, there may well be a very good man.   

Of course!

[Dog Lover 82]

37 minutes ago, glows said:

Yes, perhaps. If someone wants to go so far as that but the regular or average person isn’t likely to hold this against you. Change things around and greet him next time. You don’t have to work so hard. Just be yourself and genuine. 

Try working on that negative self-talk also. “He probably thinks I’m completely not interested.” You do not know what he thinks so don’t assume of others. Only focus on your own actions and behaviours. If you’re inviting and welcoming by greeting someone it’s likely to be reciprocated so start there.

Thank you for calling out the negative self talk. I'm an incredibly positive person but I beat myself up all the time and I need to stop. I also need to keep reminding myself that there is no real risk by simply being friendly to another human being. If he were to react poorly to me saying hello, that would be all I needed to know about him. And yes, I need to stop making assumptions about others' feelings/thoughts.

[chillii]

11 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

Yeah, I mean even the fact that I made direct eye contact with this person in our previous interactions and smiled is much more than what I could have done a few years ago. Plus, I did make an attempt to look up at him after a few minutes but he wasn't looking at that point. So there was an attempt, it just took me longer than I wanted and it came after my self soothing behaviors. 

lf your 40ish well he probably was too right , and you've talked before and spent a little bit of time together. Frankly , that makes it even harder to believe he didn't break the ice anyway. Dumbfounded in fact that he'd come and be near you , he knows you, but he says nothing it's almost childlike.

Edited January 31, 2022 by chillii

[Dog Lover 82]

17 minutes ago, chillii said:

lf your 40ish well he probably was too right , and you've talked before and spent a little bit of time together. Frankly , that makes it even harder to believe he didn't break the ice anyway. Dumbfounded in fact that he'd come and be near you , he knows you, but he says nothing it's almost childlike.

I have no idea. He seems to go out of his way to be near me both at work (three separate friends have noticed) and now popping up at the gym all the time when I'm there, so I also find it a bit odd that he'd do all that and not just say hello. Perhaps he has mixed feelings or he's otherwise emotionally unavailable? Or shy as well? Sometimes he also seems very nervous around me while other times he seems very forward and confident, so I don't know. He could be just reacting to my energy as well I suppose.

[chillii]

 

He sounds ridiculous not even saying anything. And if he is shy he'd recognize your anxiety even more so better than most and be helping . l mean l was about 15 when l realized shy girls needed a bit of nudge.

But yeah , it'd be savable if he is interested , he must be use to these silly damn games so it should still be ok if and when you see him again.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

Sometimes he also seems very nervous around me while other times he seems very forward and confident

In which sense?

You say you haven't directly interacted with each other, so what behaviours do you interpret as nervous vs. forward? 

There just doesn't appear to be much (yet) to base an assessment on either way.