I ignored the person I like because of my anxiety/fear of rejection. Is there still hope here?

[Dog Lover 82]

Hello, I've posted a few times about my continuing battle with social anxiety/fear of rejection and how this leads me to kind of ignore men.

Well, I thought I'd been making progress. There was someone that I work with who also happens to go to my gym. I'd worked up the courage to smile at him and this led to a few conversations back in October. Unfortunately, I had to leave town for a few months so I hadn't seen him since early November. I like him, but today I feel like I had a huge setback. He was at the gym and I just flat out didn't look at him/acknowledge him. He came over and started working out next to me so I felt like he wanted to make contact, but neither of us did. Let me also note that we wear masks indoors, so it felt a little extra complicated because I was scared of being the first one to say hello ...I don't know but  it felt even more scary with the mask because that's me being more vulnerable and saying "yeah I know who you are even with your face covered." (I know...ugh...I'm a real weirdo.) I DID know it was him, but it would be fair enough if I didn't because it's hard to recognize people with those on.

I have a strong feeling from our previous interactions and his behavior that he's interested in me, but I fell back into my old anxious ways. And even today it seemed like he was purposely positioning himself closer to me but I was just so nervous to see him that I shut down. I guess I'm wondering how men would feel if they encountered a woman who didn't acknowledge them in this situation after they'd already talked a few times...but to be fair he also didn't acknowledge me...but to be even more fair he was probably scared since I didn't look at him. Anyway, do you think there is still hope in this situation despite the setback today? 

I'm also looking for any more suggestions on how to be more confident with men. The fact is I don't know why I'm like this and it's so frustrating. I've worked really hard on it so a setback like this feels terrible. I actually have pretty high self esteem in terms of thinking I'm attractive, funny, smart, etc. I just get so nervous about being rejected and I feel actual panic when I see people I like. 

Edited January 29, 2022 by Tina Marie 82
grammar issue

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

'm also looking for any more suggestions on how to be more confident with men. The fact is I don't know why I'm like this and it's so frustrating. I've worked really hard on it so a setback like this feels terrible. I actually have pretty high self esteem in terms of thinking I'm attractive, funny, smart, etc. I just get so nervous about being rejected and I feel actual panic when I see people I like. 

Since he came over and worked out next to you why didn't he speak to you first?  It's on him as much as you so no you haven't messed up anything. 

Have you thought of getting couseling for your shyness or a dating coach?  It woud help. 

[Dog Lover 82]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Since he came over and worked out next to you why didn't he speak to you first?  It's on him as much as you so no you haven't messed up anything. 

Have you thought of getting couseling for your shyness or a dating coach?  It woud help. 

I agree that he could have also spoken to me. I didn't even look at him though, so I can see how that could have been a little intimidating. I'm not sure if he's also shy, but he does seem a tad intimidated.

I've done counseling before and made a ton of progress. I was really at the point where I was only going once a month because I didn't have anything to talk about anymore. I just need to practice. I feel that I'm still at that point. I know what I should do, but I sometimes go back to my default because I get scared. It's very frustrating though when I'm 90 percent sure a guy is interested in me and I still have a crippling fear of rejection.

[stillafool]

It would seem if he were that shy he wouldn't have come over there in the first place.  Are you sure he knew it was you behind that mask.  Guys who are interested usually take a chance and make a move.  If they didn't no one would date.

Edited January 29, 2022 by stillafool

[smackie9]

It’s easy….just say how are you? Then they take it from there. 

[basil67]

Your fear of rejection comes from a lack of resilience.  The knowledge that even if it doesn't work, you will be OK.    

When you were in counselling, did you work through how to deal with things not turning out how you'd like?  

 

 

[chillii]

Hi op , and l'm sorry your finding things the way you are.

l never understand the mask stuff people go on about though first of all , really. l mean they only cover the lower part , you still see people smiling at you and expressions and gestures l come across it every day it's not like we're wearing full motor bike helmets or something. Of course he knew it was you don't worry but shyness can be really hard to interpret mask or no mask at the best of times. If he couldn't see a smile or a warm acknowledgement though he'd have to be blind mask or no mask too. Makes me think you probably didn't in your shyness give him much to go on but at the same time, you already know ea other so l agree with others. lt was on him and ridiculous that he didn't just say hello and start talking and relax you a bit and, he'd well know your shy and need that. Some of these guys l swear , it's like unless she literally jumps on him , they have no clue or nerve to do anything.

Edited January 29, 2022 by chillii

[Dog Lover 82]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

It would seem if he were that shy he wouldn't have come over there in the first place.  Are you sure he knew it was you behind that mask.  Guys who are interested usually take a chance and make a move.  If they didn't no one would date.

He may not have, but I have really recognizable hair. Haha. 

I could have misinterpreted things, but he's constantly showing up where I am ever since we first talked but he also seems a little hesitant to make any type of a move. Even my work friends have mentioned he always is kind of hanging out wherever I am. I just have the feeling that there is interest there but he's not making a move for some reason. Or I could be completely wrong and I'm reading into it too much.

That said, men rarely make a men with me and I think it mostly has to do with how I completely ignore them. Not very welcoming.

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I agree that he could have also spoken to me. I didn't even look at him though, so I can see how that could have been a little intimidating. I'm not sure if he's also shy, but he does seem a tad intimidated.

To be fair, I wouldn't speak to someone who didn't make eye contact with me.   That's because I wouldn't see it as intimidating, I'd see it as being very rude or stuck up.  Now we know that it was not your intention to be rude, but from his angle, it's hard to see it any other way.

If you want a chance here, I think you need to make up for some lost ground.

[Dog Lover 82]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It’s easy….just say how are you? Then they take it from there. 

You know nothing about social anxiety. LOL. If it were that easy I would have fixed it years ago.

[Dog Lover 82]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your fear of rejection comes from a lack of resilience.  The knowledge that even if it doesn't work, you will be OK.    

When you were in counselling, did you work through how to deal with things not turning out how you'd like?  

 

 

We did not work on that. That is a good point. I haven't had a lot of relationships and so that meant every relationship was the center of my universe. As is every crush. I get hurt really easily.

[Dog Lover 82]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, I wouldn't speak to someone who didn't make eye contact with me.   That's because I wouldn't see it as intimidating, I'd see it as being very rude or stuck up.  Now we know that it was not your intention to be rude, but from his angle, it's hard to see it any other way.

If you want a chance here, I think you need to make up for some lost ground.

Hmmm...my instinct just wants to give up. This is so hard for me and I often just feel like I'm not built for partnership if I can't do something as simple as saying hello to someone I like and have talked to before. 

[Dog Lover 82]

6 minutes ago, chillii said:

Hi op , and l'm sorry your finding things the way you are.

l never understand the mask stuff people go on about though first of all , really. l mean they only cover the lower part , you still see people smiling at you and expressions and gestures l come across it every day it's not like we're wearing full face helmets or something. Of course he knew it was you don't worry about that but shyness can be really hard to interpret mask or no mask at the best of times is a thing. If he couldn't see a smile or a warm acknowledgement though he'd have to be blind mask or no mask too. Makes me think you probably didn't in your shyness give him much to go on but at the same time, you already know ea other so l agree with others, it was on him and ridiculous that he didn't just say hello and start talking and relax you a bit and, he'd well know your shy.

I personally find it difficult to recognize people in masks, especially men. I only knew it was him because I have a crush on him and so I remembered things like how his hair looks and his physique. I think that's why I felt even more nervous because I felt like me admitting I recognized him was putting myself out there even more. This is just all my anxiety spiral, I know. 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

We did not work on that. That is a good point. I haven't had a lot of relationships and so that meant every relationship was the center of my universe. As is every crush. I get hurt really easily.

 

2 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

Hmmm...my instinct just wants to give up. This is so hard for me and I often just feel like I'm not built for partnership if I can't do something as simple as saying hello to someone I like and have talked to before. 

I'd hate to see you give up when there's more work to be done. You sound like you have so much to give, but need to work on your coping mechanisms.

Now, it's really normal to feel hurt or disappointed when we are rejected by someone we are really into.   Only the coldest of us close a door and immediately let go.    The question is, after you get over the hurt, can you resurface?  

One of my friends suffers anxiety and they find working through the risk in advance really helpful.   For example:

What if he doesn't like me?   (it will hurt and I'll feel bad)

I am hurt and feel bad, what now?  (I need time to process)

How long will that take? (as long as it needs to)

What then?   (I will be OK)

[Dog Lover 82]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

I'd hate to see you give up when there's more work to be done. You sound like you have so much to give, but need to work on your coping mechanisms.

Now, it's really normal to feel hurt or disappointed when we are rejected by someone we are really into.   Only the coldest of us close a door and immediately let go.    The question is, after you get over the hurt, can you resurface?  

One of my friends suffers anxiety and they find working through the risk in advance really helpful.   For example:

What if he doesn't like me?   (it will hurt and I'll feel bad)

I am hurt and feel bad, what now?  (I need time to process)

How long will that take? (as long as it needs to)

What then?   (I will be OK)

Thank you. This is really helpful. I'll try working on this a bit to see if it helps. 

I think I'm just reacting a bit dramatically because I know the immense amount of work I've put into addressing my anxiety/fear, and so it feels devastating to still be hitting a wall on something that seems so simple, especially because I feel very strongly that he is mutually interested.

[basil67]

@Tina Marie 82 I'm no psychologist, but I would imagine that the process of healing and becoming emotionally stronger is not linear.   You may need to come and go at your psychology as required and that's OK.   

[Dog Lover 82]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Tina Marie 82 I'm no psychologist, but I would imagine that the process of healing and becoming emotionally stronger is not linear.   You may need to come and go at your psychology as required and that's OK.   

Certainly not. That is one thing my counselor and I would talk about quite a bit because I would often get frustrated at what seemed like lack of progress. But when I look at the difference from a few years ago to today, I can see the progress. Back then I would have never even had talked to this guy or smiled at him in the first place. 

[chillii]

2 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

You know nothing about social anxiety. LOL. If it were that easy I would have fixed it years ago.

Of course , it was on him and as l said. And of course he'd know it was you.

[ExpatInItaly]

All you can do is look his way the next time you see him. 

As is stands, if you ignored him, he would have got strong "piss off" vibes from you. Obviously that wasn't your intention but there is no way he could know that. So, it's up to you next time to be more inviting to being approached by him. 

And as the others said, do so with the knowledge that even if it doesn't amount to anything, you will be alright. Dating is about risk-taking. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. And yes, of course, we sometimes get hurt. We are sometimes disappointed. But that doesn't mean we won't dust ourselves off and keep going. You will, too. 

 

[Wiseman2]

It's ok to have crushes. You don't have to make the first move. Be polite and friendly in general. However you don't need to approach men you have crushes on. Some men realize women don't want to be hit on in gyms so that's part of it.

[glows]

Just wave and say hello next time you pass or run into him at the gym. I often smile and then realize no one can see it under my mask. 

I don’t think you’ve messed anything up at all. He sounds shy also. 

 

Edited January 30, 2022 by glows

[Versacehottie]

I think another suggestion is to talk to lots of people. Right now it sounds like you just hold out hope that you can talk to guys or other "important" people that mean something to your life. One of the first things you should do is talk to everyone or at least try to. If you get more comfortable just talking to people in general, such as strangers who have no bearing on your life, you will get more resilient and more comfortable. In a way what you are doing is saving the moment you need to talk to a stranger, ie cute guy at the gym, for the most heavily weighted moments where you care the most and the outcome means a lot to you. Coupled with both your real social anxiety and your perceptions and thoughts that you have (whether true or untrue) about the nature of your social anxiety, you are really putting yourself in an uphill battle. 

First you have to get more practice and experience. One way you can do that is with people that aren't weighted so heavily in your life such as just normal strangers (women, waiters, older people, kids). Try not to be so linear with who you choose to speak to--right now each time you do, there is a motive. Try not to have a motive just to be a friendly human. You should get more resilient with the possible rejection that comes from these sorts of strangers and it will dial down the importance. Which is the second thing you need to do with regards to cute guys that you are interested in--try to turn down the expectation of "what it will or could be or how you could f*ck that up". Try to just make it about saying hi to a friendly face that you obviously recognize and see all the time. Think about it like a friend is really how you should take it--it may go farther but maybe not. Try to just stay in the present. And thirdly, what is the worst that can happen? Right now your system is taking over and your mind and you are thinking "what the worst could be" as much much much worse than what it ever could be. Bring yourself down to earth with reality of what really is the worst that could happen. Keep it in perspective. Good luck

[smackie9]

16 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

You know nothing about social anxiety. LOL. If it were that easy I would have fixed it years ago.

Yes I do. I have it but over came it, I work with people who have it and have seen it, work with them to gain confidence, and known those who indeed progressed with exposure/encouragement. Baby steps. You push yourself to just do one thing at a time. You don't die, nothing bad happens, and you get rewarded with a normal positive response. You say hi to someone and smile, 99.9% they say hi and smile back. To a guy, that's a green light to take the lead and approach you. Seriously you really don't have to do anything else.

Edited January 30, 2022 by smackie9

[Dog Lover 82]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All you can do is look his way the next time you see him. 

As is stands, if you ignored him, he would have got strong "piss off" vibes from you. Obviously that wasn't your intention but there is no way he could know that. So, it's up to you next time to be more inviting to being approached by him. 

And as the others said, do so with the knowledge that even if it doesn't amount to anything, you will be alright. Dating is about risk-taking. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. And yes, of course, we sometimes get hurt. We are sometimes disappointed. But that doesn't mean we won't dust ourselves off and keep going. You will, too. 

 

OK, I'll try harder next time. Hopefully, he has gotten the vibe that I'm shy from when we've talked before. I don't want to give "piss off" vibes to anyone.

[smackie9]

Just now, Tina Marie 82 said:

OK, I'll try harder next time. Hopefully, he has gotten the vibe that I'm shy from when we've talked before. I don't want to give "piss off" vibes to anyone.

That's the sad part about anxiety. People think you are angry or a snob. First step, brief eye contact and smile. Don't think about it is key. Do it quick enough like on an impulse before those feelings take over.