chillii Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 (edited) Sorry Mo, when l say easier imo say give or take, 27 to 35ish are absolute prime to find your love. l'm sorry it's been harder for you though later, have you ever thought of moving, could be your area just isn't working for ya. Edited January 30, 2022 by chillii
JDam Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 On 1/28/2022 at 5:28 PM, jenny 73 said: Hi all, I hope you are well! I am a 27 F, have been in the US for 4 years and have been going out, trying to socialize, and now with covid, began online dating around 3 years ago. Somehow every date I go to, it turns out the guy is not into me as much as they say or I hope. I have been told multiple times in the past year (after a few weeks- 4 month dating) that there is no spark and things have broken up. My only relationship was during college for about 1.5 years. I am a bit hopeless about what future holds and wanted to see if you have any ideas suggestions for me. I go to weekly therapy sessions and talk about this and am told i need to try and keep meeting people but so far not so good haha, although I have been learning about myself on the bright side. Hi, been there. Im 33 and have the same exact problem. My only "relationship" was 2,5 years about 6 years ago. The other "relationships" lasted about 5-6 months. I have always been the one who was broken up with. Maybe the first guy loved me, I dont know, the other two never did. So they broke up with me because they did not fell the same. Ive lost hope too Dont know, there is no advice I can give. Just wanted to say you are not alone. 1
Alpacalia Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 21 hours ago, jenny 73 said: I am multi-dating, but I tend to have a hard time letting go the wrong match, so I end up wasting a few weeks more than I should. I typically date introverts and always wonder whether they are shy or just don't like me. "I havent found a right person in years, what can I change?" The question implies that being single is a flaw, and that you should always be with someone, no matter if they are good for you or not. I say no to half of the men who ask me out. Your date may be emotionally unavailable - meaning he is not interested (for whatever reason). In that case, the best thing you can do is tell yourself, "OK, great. Now that I know (he's emotionally unavailable), I don't have to pursue it." Are you guarded? Sometimes it just takes the right one walking into your life for you to focus. Love and happiness are nothing more than human emotions. You can have them and feel them without other people. When you make it about SHARING feelings of love, you'll have a better experience because there's no pressure involved. You appear to be a lovely lady. There is, as they say, a lid for every pot. 1 1
Weezy1973 Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 2 hours ago, Alpaca said: The question implies that being single is a flaw, and that you should always be with someone, no matter if they are good for you or not. No it doesn’t. There’s nothing wrong with being single and there’s also nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. The OP sounds like she wants to be in a relationship (perfectly normal) but hasn’t been successful in achieving what she wants in many years. And so she’s asking what can she be doing differently. And considering the vast majority of people are in relationships, asking for advice on how to achieve something most people have achieved seems very reasonable to me. And she’s gotten a lot of good advice too! What I really like about the OPs question is she’s making it specific about her (what can I change) rather than implying there’s something wrong with society that makes it so hard to date and get into a relationship. Most adults are in a relationship. If most people can do something, it’s not that hard. People that want to be in a relationship but aren’t often are doing something wrong. 2
Alpacalia Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 (edited) 31 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: No it doesn’t. There’s nothing wrong with being single and there’s also nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. The OP sounds like she wants to be in a relationship (perfectly normal) but hasn’t been successful in achieving what she wants in many years. And so she’s asking what can she be doing differently. And considering the vast majority of people are in relationships, asking for advice on how to achieve something most people have achieved seems very reasonable to me. And she’s gotten a lot of good advice too! What I really like about the OPs question is she’s making it specific about her (what can I change) rather than implying there’s something wrong with society that makes it so hard to date and get into a relationship. Most adults are in a relationship. If most people can do something, it’s not that hard. People that want to be in a relationship but aren’t often are doing something wrong. I agree that there is a lot of wonderful advice. From what she said, she already has a good deal of great qualities. It seems to me that these questions tend to imply that the person needs to change due to their perception that something is wrong with them. If she wants to change, change for herself first. And most definitely, there are always ways to improve, but the mistake (and this is just my opinion) is that they become overly focused on a relationship that will complete them instead of enhancing. I am not sure if that applies to our OP, but based on some of her posts, she seems to have a difficult time letting go of the wrong partner (or potential partner). Maybe a list of red flags that previous partners exhibited that made her realize they were not the right men for her would be helpful? By choosing to be with someone, rather than being with someone because she fears not having a relationship, or for whatever reason applies to her that she identifies with, she can begin to choose to be with someone because of the happiness they bring each other. Edited January 30, 2022 by Alpaca
Weezy1973 Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 3 hours ago, Alpaca said: It seems to me that these questions tend to imply that the person needs to change due to their perception that something is wrong with them. I think people with low self worth often perceive this as the case in themselves, however when they refer to “change” it’s about changing what you’re doing, not who you are. Sometimes it’s about changing your perception of love and relationships as well. 2
ChrisTheCat Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 In answer to your question, OP, the answer is nothing about yourself but everything about the circles you move in. That's all I can say without knowing more about you. Good luck ! 2
Author jenny 73 Posted January 31, 2022 Author Posted January 31, 2022 15 hours ago, JDam said: Hi, been there. Im 33 and have the same exact problem. My only "relationship" was 2,5 years about 6 years ago. The other "relationships" lasted about 5-6 months. I have always been the one who was broken up with. Maybe the first guy loved me, I dont know, the other two never did. So they broke up with me because they did not fell the same. Ive lost hope too Dont know, there is no advice I can give. Just wanted to say you are not alone. Thank you for making me feel I am not alone, I really appreciate it and hope you find the right person soon, I'd like to think they are out there waiting for us. It is a matter of working on myself and my happiness independently and also getting to know as many people as I can to find them! Good luck! 1
Author jenny 73 Posted January 31, 2022 Author Posted January 31, 2022 11 hours ago, Alpaca said: "I havent found a right person in years, what can I change?" The question implies that being single is a flaw, and that you should always be with someone, no matter if they are good for you or not. I say no to half of the men who ask me out. Your date may be emotionally unavailable - meaning he is not interested (for whatever reason). In that case, the best thing you can do is tell yourself, "OK, great. Now that I know (he's emotionally unavailable), I don't have to pursue it." Are you guarded? Sometimes it just takes the right one walking into your life for you to focus. Love and happiness are nothing more than human emotions. You can have them and feel them without other people. When you make it about SHARING feelings of love, you'll have a better experience because there's no pressure involved. You appear to be a lovely lady. There is, as they say, a lid for every pot. Thank you for the feedback I agree, I think they have not yet walked into my life. Pandemic and moving around also has not helped 1
Author jenny 73 Posted January 31, 2022 Author Posted January 31, 2022 4 hours ago, ChrisTheCat said: In answer to your question, OP, the answer is nothing about yourself but everything about the circles you move in. That's all I can say without knowing more about you. Good luck ! Thank you I appreciate this Chris, great comment
Author jenny 73 Posted January 31, 2022 Author Posted January 31, 2022 8 hours ago, Alpaca said: I agree that there is a lot of wonderful advice. From what she said, she already has a good deal of great qualities. It seems to me that these questions tend to imply that the person needs to change due to their perception that something is wrong with them. If she wants to change, change for herself first. And most definitely, there are always ways to improve, but the mistake (and this is just my opinion) is that they become overly focused on a relationship that will complete them instead of enhancing. I am not sure if that applies to our OP, but based on some of her posts, she seems to have a difficult time letting go of the wrong partner (or potential partner). Maybe a list of red flags that previous partners exhibited that made her realize they were not the right men for her would be helpful? By choosing to be with someone, rather than being with someone because she fears not having a relationship, or for whatever reason applies to her that she identifies with, she can begin to choose to be with someone because of the happiness they bring each other. I appreciate the heads up, for me it is a bit of both. I think there is room to work on my confidence and self-worth in addition to change in my circle and activities. I do try to continue and grow into an individual who loves themselves and find someone that brings the best in me vice versa. 1
Author jenny 73 Posted January 31, 2022 Author Posted January 31, 2022 9 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: No it doesn’t. There’s nothing wrong with being single and there’s also nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. The OP sounds like she wants to be in a relationship (perfectly normal) but hasn’t been successful in achieving what she wants in many years. And so she’s asking what can she be doing differently. And considering the vast majority of people are in relationships, asking for advice on how to achieve something most people have achieved seems very reasonable to me. And she’s gotten a lot of good advice too! What I really like about the OPs question is she’s making it specific about her (what can I change) rather than implying there’s something wrong with society that makes it so hard to date and get into a relationship. Most adults are in a relationship. If most people can do something, it’s not that hard. People that want to be in a relationship but aren’t often are doing something wrong. Thank you! I am looking forward to learning from all the great advice and grow.
Author jenny 73 Posted January 31, 2022 Author Posted January 31, 2022 I appreciate all you people! Thank you for your time and kind feedback:) 2
La Trese Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 im the same age. you sound like me. and honestly not trying to be arrogant but looks are not even close to being the issue either so I don't think it's that. I just think its really hard to date guys off apps because people make snap judgements and want instant chemistry and don't want to give someone time to open up 1
dramafreezone Posted February 12, 2022 Posted February 12, 2022 On 1/30/2022 at 6:13 PM, jenny 73 said: Thank you for making me feel I am not alone, I really appreciate it and hope you find the right person soon, I'd like to think they are out there waiting for us. It is a matter of working on myself and my happiness independently and also getting to know as many people as I can to find them! Good luck! Without knowing much about you I would say a problem is probably that you're coming across as looking for a relationship. I think in today's dating landscape, there's often a race to the finish line. In other words people are more interested in getting to the relationship than enjoying the courtship. Some women can inadvertently give off this vibe that they're vetting the guy for a relationship and a lot of guys aren't going to like it (unless they are also in this mode). This is why the interview date happens. Ironically I bet you've come across guys that *are* in this relationship mode but you weren't attracted to them. My advice would be to be cool. I've said this in the past but just go on the date to have fun, not find a BF. Even if there isn't a spark you should be able to look back on the date positively, you fixed yourself up, got out and did something fun and had a good time. If the guy turns out to be someone you want to see again, that's a bonus. Date without an expectation other than you're just going to go out and have a good time. Suppress that need to ask questions that may determine how good of a BF or husband he would be. On the first date you're just trying to determine if there's a vibe, you can do that best by just relaxing, getting out of your head and being in the moment. 1
Recommended Posts