jenny 73 Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 Hi all, I hope you are well! I am a 27 F, have been in the US for 4 years and have been going out, trying to socialize, and now with covid, began online dating around 3 years ago. Somehow every date I go to, it turns out the guy is not into me as much as they say or I hope. I have been told multiple times in the past year (after a few weeks- 4 month dating) that there is no spark and things have broken up. My only relationship was during college for about 1.5 years. I am a bit hopeless about what future holds and wanted to see if you have any ideas suggestions for me. I go to weekly therapy sessions and talk about this and am told i need to try and keep meeting people but so far not so good haha, although I have been learning about myself on the bright side.
stillafool Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 (edited) Have you thought about investing in a good make over? Change your hairstyle, make up and wardrobe and smile. If your body needs improvement, work out and eat right. If you start now you'll be ready by Spring which is right around the corner. Edited January 28, 2022 by stillafool 4 1 1 1
glows Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 Regardless of your setbacks, Jenny, you've always had a great attitude about things. That seems to be your strength. Are you dating according to what the apps are recommending or matching you with? Try and be more choosy about whom you keep meeting. If you're also dating within that age range, I think there is a greater percentage of individuals looking for instant sexual chemistry as opposed to valuing other traits like honesty, kindness, stability. That takes a little while longer to develop with someone more mature. What does your therapist recommend in terms of where or how you meet new people? 5
Versacehottie Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 (edited) Well first give yourself a bit of a break because the pandemic has changed normal things for you dating for last two years, I would imagine. Secondly, why did you give a "shocked" expression to stillafool's suggestion? They are (looks) definitely part of the equation for attraction so it would follow that maybe you are not maximizing your looks or presenting yourself well. To be even 100% fair, the fact that you are responding that way to someone who is trying to give you constructive advice maybe says that you need to work on the social interaction aspect of yourself. I mean it's not very nice or cool to do that. She doesn't have a photo of you and almost anyone could improve on their looks. Lol I could screen grab a "beautiful" celebrity and probably come up with a list on them as well of stuff they could maximize for dating attractiveness. Do you think maybe you are focusing so much on what you "don't" have or created an identity for yourself as someone who is not successful with dating that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy? I would think so--I would apply that to anyone who said they are having the sort of problem with dating that you said you are having so not singling you out (after all I don't know much about you). It's a numbers game so it is a matter of making sure you've met enough people so that you bump into the right one. Are you multi-dating or just focusing on one guy at a time? obviously a few dates in, it's normal to decide to attempt a relationship---but before then??? IMO, you are wasting your own time if you date people sequentially without having a better idea is YOU should commit to them and that it's mutual. Also what do you do besides trying to date? I think sometimes girls just focus on finding a boyfriend and aren't really that fun or interesting besides that. Could that apply to you? What else do you like to do? What I saw in your other thread is that you might be trying too hard and that drives people away? I would suggest working on your self-worth in that case. Therapy is a great idea like you said you are doing. Sometimes self worth is something you need to work on in a real experience sort of way though. Like you will gain it if you take a self-worth principle and then apply it to something that is happening and the way you choose to manage in your real life--then it teaches you that you are worth something. And builds and you get better at exercising the things that surround expressing that part of you. OK good luck Edited January 28, 2022 by Versacehottie 3
ccas93 Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, stillafool said: Have you thought about investing in a good make over? Change your hairstyle, make up and wardrobe and smile. If your body needs improvement, work out and eat right. If you start now you'll be ready by Spring which is right around the corner. you shouldn't be shocked by this. It's simple and excellent advice. Guys get told all the time that they need to hit the gym, dress better, etc, when they are not getting the dating results they want. It is not horrific to suggest the same for you. Edited January 28, 2022 by ccas93 3
Weezy1973 Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 There’s a tendency with OLD for aspirational dating. That is our (very normal) tendency to be the most attracted to people who are somewhat more attractive than we are. If you are having the same result every time - that is guys that just aren’t that into you - this could be the problem. You’re choosing guys that have better options. Again, this is very normal. Which is why for OLD it’s best to play the numbers game. Multi date in the early stages. The vast majority of strangers you meet won’t be a match. 3
stillafool Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 4 hours ago, stillafool said: Have you thought about investing in a good make over? Change your hairstyle, make up and wardrobe and smile. If your body needs improvement, work out and eat right. If you start now you'll be ready by Spring which is right around the corner. Jenny if it makes you feel better I need to do the same thing. I was out looking for a new hair dresser yesterday and am ordering new clothes today. We all need to change it up sometimes. 1
Ami1uwant Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 9 hours ago, jenny 73 said: Hi all, I hope you are well! I am a 27 F, have been in the US for 4 years and have been going out, trying to socialize, and now with covid, began online dating around 3 years ago. Somehow every date I go to, it turns out the guy is not into me as much as they say or I hope. I have been told multiple times in the past year (after a few weeks- 4 month dating) that there is no spark and things have broken up. My only relationship was during college for about 1.5 years. I am a bit hopeless about what future holds and wanted to see if you have any ideas suggestions for me. I go to weekly therapy sessions and talk about this and am told i need to try and keep meeting people but so far not so good haha, although I have been learning about myself on the bright side. Some questions for you 1 how is your communication in English? How are you adjusting to US culture/ way of life? 2. Have you noticed a pattern in who you meet and date? Are they a good match to who you are? 1
MeadowFlower Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 (edited) 14 hours ago, stillafool said: Have you thought about investing in a good make over? Change your hairstyle, make up and wardrobe and smile. If your body needs improvement, work out and eat right. If you start now you'll be ready by Spring which is right around the corner. @jenny 73 you and your body are fine and in need of no 'make overs'. It is yours to use and not for others, especially males, to look at. In regards to not finding the right person, I am not an expert myself sigh. I would say just be you, and do things that you enjoy in places you might meet people. Be aware of the people around you and chat with them. All the best. Edited January 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator group berating 3
chillii Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 (edited) l dunno what age you are MF but l can tell you l'm 50s and so are friends and brothers and believe me most guys l know their relationships or marriages are very important to them. Matter of fact one brother was single quite awhile 50s, meeting women 40s or so his most common complaint was none of them had any depth , l actually couldn't believe some of the stories. l think though you;ll hopefully find things change with age as the guys your meeting get older too or maybe your picker is just way off and your wasting your time on low interest guys to begin with.They aren't gonna give a damn about anything. Op, sorry to say though but that's a tough question remember though most people are lucky to find that right person once maybe twice in a lifetime. At any rate 27, your coming into a great age now and for yrs to come for something serious so hopefully things improve. l'd suggest above all being more selective and looking for the right person first of all. Someone with qualities beliefs ideals and things in common you know you gel well with, and being realistic. Edited January 29, 2022 by chillii 2
glows Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 6 hours ago, MeadowFlower said: @jenny 73 you and your body are fine and in need of no 'make overs'. It is yours to use and not for others, especially males, to look at. In regards to not finding the right person, I am not an expert myself sigh. I would say just be you, and do things that you enjoy in places you might meet people. Be aware of the people around you and chat with them. All the best. I agree. I tend to believe it’s more self esteem and how a person carries him or herself instead of a particular look. Whatever is inherently you, be more of that and meet people with the same values that you have. 3
Wiseman2 Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 (edited) Of course having a good profile and pics on quality dating apps helps and there's nothing wrong with making the most of your appearance. You're obviously fluent in English, but the dating mentally and nuances may be different from your culture. For example, you seem very heavy handed after a couple of dates. Try a more relaxed getting-to-know-you approach: Edited January 29, 2022 by Wiseman2 3
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 We can't really help all that much in front of a screen. Have a few sessions with a dating coach. 3
Author jenny 73 Posted January 29, 2022 Author Posted January 29, 2022 20 hours ago, Versacehottie said: Well first give yourself a bit of a break because the pandemic has changed normal things for you dating for last two years, I would imagine. Secondly, why did you give a "shocked" expression to stillafool's suggestion? They are (looks) definitely part of the equation for attraction so it would follow that maybe you are not maximizing your looks or presenting yourself well. To be even 100% fair, the fact that you are responding that way to someone who is trying to give you constructive advice maybe says that you need to work on the social interaction aspect of yourself. I mean it's not very nice or cool to do that. She doesn't have a photo of you and almost anyone could improve on their looks. Lol I could screen grab a "beautiful" celebrity and probably come up with a list on them as well of stuff they could maximize for dating attractiveness. Do you think maybe you are focusing so much on what you "don't" have or created an identity for yourself as someone who is not successful with dating that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy? I would think so--I would apply that to anyone who said they are having the sort of problem with dating that you said you are having so not singling you out (after all I don't know much about you). It's a numbers game so it is a matter of making sure you've met enough people so that you bump into the right one. Are you multi-dating or just focusing on one guy at a time? obviously a few dates in, it's normal to decide to attempt a relationship---but before then??? IMO, you are wasting your own time if you date people sequentially without having a better idea is YOU should commit to them and that it's mutual. Also what do you do besides trying to date? I think sometimes girls just focus on finding a boyfriend and aren't really that fun or interesting besides that. Could that apply to you? What else do you like to do? What I saw in your other thread is that you might be trying too hard and that drives people away? I would suggest working on your self-worth in that case. Therapy is a great idea like you said you are doing. Sometimes self worth is something you need to work on in a real experience sort of way though. Like you will gain it if you take a self-worth principle and then apply it to something that is happening and the way you choose to manage in your real life--then it teaches you that you are worth something. And builds and you get better at exercising the things that surround expressing that part of you. OK good luck Than you for the comment, I want to say I appreciate everyone's feedback. My expression was shocked because I literally colored my hair 2 days ago and think i am in the best shape and style I have been for years. I think it is fair for me to expect to find someone who wants to for how I look right now. There is always room for improvement but I do not think this is the main issue. I do not mean to be rude, I was just shocked and expressed my true feeling. I am multi-dating, but I tend to have a hard time letting go the wrong match, so I end up wasting a few weeks more than I should. I typically date introverts and always wonder whether they are shy or just don't like me. I am getting my PhD in science and engineering in about 9 months, I have clear vision about my future career and goals. On the side, I love going to nature, playing and listening to music, hanging out with friends, sports and being active, photography and gardening and many more. It is true that I have not been in a relationship for so long and am looking for a boyfriend, though that has not stopped me from living my best life I think all in all I need to work on my confidence and self-worth. Thanks for the great suggestions 6
Author jenny 73 Posted January 29, 2022 Author Posted January 29, 2022 15 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: Some questions for you 1 how is your communication in English? How are you adjusting to US culture/ way of life? 2. Have you noticed a pattern in who you meet and date? Are they a good match to who you are? 1. have been here for 4 years and my English is good, still adjusting to the way of life but I would say I am pretty comfortable with it now. Not sure if others think the same way but I have dated many native English speaker who assured me my speaking is not an issue. 2. Not necessarily, except mostly dating introverts (I am an extrovert). I think so, I look into their career, family relationships and hobbies as well as their appearance! The one thing I have not focused as much on is whether they are now on good terms with the fam. 2
Author jenny 73 Posted January 29, 2022 Author Posted January 29, 2022 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Of course having a good profile and pics on quality dating apps helps and there's nothing wrong with making the most of your appearance. You're obviously fluent in English, but the dating mentally and nuances may be different from your culture. For example, you seem very heavy handed after a couple of dates. Try a more relaxed getting-to-know-you approach: Thanks! What dating apps do you recommend? 1
Author jenny 73 Posted January 29, 2022 Author Posted January 29, 2022 8 hours ago, glows said: I agree. I tend to believe it’s more self esteem and how a person carries him or herself instead of a particular look. Whatever is inherently you, be more of that and meet people with the same values that you have. thank you I love this feedback. 2
Author jenny 73 Posted January 29, 2022 Author Posted January 29, 2022 14 hours ago, MeadowFlower said: @jenny 73 you and your body are fine and in need of no 'make overs'. It is yours to use and not for others, especially males, to look at. In regards to not finding the right person, I am not an expert myself sigh. I would say just be you, and do things that you enjoy in places you might meet people. Be aware of the people around you and chat with them. All the best. thanks and all the best to you too 1
Author jenny 73 Posted January 29, 2022 Author Posted January 29, 2022 19 hours ago, stillafool said: Jenny if it makes you feel better I need to do the same thing. I was out looking for a new hair dresser yesterday and am ordering new clothes today. We all need to change it up sometimes. Thanks for saying so, I appreciate it and I know my looks can always improve:) Just changed my hair, best of luck it is fun 2
Ami1uwant Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 12 minutes ago, jenny 73 said: 1. have been here for 4 years and my English is good, still adjusting to the way of life but I would say I am pretty comfortable with it now. Not sure if others think the same way but I have dated many native English speaker who assured me my speaking is not an issue. 2. Not necessarily, except mostly dating introverts (I am an extrovert). I think so, I look into their career, family relationships and hobbies as well as their appearance! The one thing I have not focused as much on is whether they are now on good terms with the fam. live dated peop,e who English wasn’t their first language or they didn’t grow up in the US. a key for me was being able to have a normal conversation with them. I had a LTR with one of these and she was fine with regular conversation and was into the culture and norms. She had some problems with the longer bigger words that dont necessarily come up in regular conversations. when iwas in grad school there were a couple women in my major who came from Europe. One had a good English. The other was poor in conversational English but could read and write in English. in a relationship you might be getting caught in double meaning expressions that are jokes or have very different means than the individual words mean so you might be missing jokes said which could hurt the conversation. another big issue is your PhD….for these teasons 1. when you finish you will move away for a job so why bother investing in a relationship going nowhere 2. because of your field you coukd be very limited on where you can go and work. My brother and his wife are phD now working as professors. His degree and specialty area limits where Thry go. Hers was a broader field you can get jobs in many different cities. 3. bread winner/ financial. They might feel you will make more than them. Some women feel he should make more than her and some men feel they need to make more. 4. yourcareer. My brother is tenure track and secured tenure. Thise first 5-7 yrs of a career can be tough on a relationship gibpven the work load
Versacehottie Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, jenny 73 said: Than you for the comment, I want to say I appreciate everyone's feedback. My expression was shocked because I literally colored my hair 2 days ago and think i am in the best shape and style I have been for years. I think it is fair for me to expect to find someone who wants to for how I look right now. There is always room for improvement but I do not think this is the main issue. I do not mean to be rude, I was just shocked and expressed my true feeling. I am multi-dating, but I tend to have a hard time letting go the wrong match, so I end up wasting a few weeks more than I should. I typically date introverts and always wonder whether they are shy or just don't like me. I am getting my PhD in science and engineering in about 9 months, I have clear vision about my future career and goals. On the side, I love going to nature, playing and listening to music, hanging out with friends, sports and being active, photography and gardening and many more. It is true that I have not been in a relationship for so long and am looking for a boyfriend, though that has not stopped me from living my best life I think all in all I need to work on my confidence and self-worth. Thanks for the great suggestions You're welcome...it's refreshing to have people really want the advice they are given and ask for here. One last thing on the looks front is that sometimes OBJECTIVELY a person can be looking really good but they don't necessarily convey a flirtatious, open to date, draw you in way. Actually that was one thing I noticed on your other thread (no real reason for saying this other than I'm pretty good at reading between the lines): that I felt a friend vibe. Like maybe you have no problem perhaps getting initial interest at some threshold but guys see you as more of a friend and not enough spark. It can also come with the way you carry yourself, etc. Also I since you are dating in a different culture than your own, I think almost every culture is more straightforward about dating than Americans. With the other cultures (and perhaps the one you come from), it's almost assumed if you go on a date and the date goes well, you will progress to bf/gf and pretty progressively date in a close way relatively soon. Lol, Americans are more "slippery" lol. I don't know how else to say it but it's a delicate balance to get to a bf/gf stage. If you try too hard or presume too much, too soon, you will likely blow it with a lot of guys. Think it comes down to the tricky fact that a lot of other countries still operate in a lot of ways on more traditional male/female dating patterns and here, women can be forward and follow less traditional patterns--in theory--but guys are still attracted in ways that are more based on traditional patterns, ie if you try too hard or pursue the guy, you are breaking the pattern. Something to consider. If you think the main problem is confidence and self-worth, one of the best ways to switch things up is to stop waiting to be "chosen" and decide that you will be the chooser. That usually requires holding back a bit more and staying in the true present. I say it all the time but: deciding you want to be with someone who hasn't yet decided he wants to be with you, usually messes that up...so don't jump to the end. Try to just stay focused on a day/a date at a time. The reality is if you let it unfold naturally, some guys you "think" you want a relationship with a few weeks in, you really wouldn't want and vice versa, some guys you are open to without having decided where it's going will surprise you in good ways. Good luck ps i still think it's good to consider all aspects of attraction especially since you were asking for generalized advice and no way would anyone know what you look like and even the most beautiful women don't appeal to every guy. That said, if you feel confidence/self worth is the main thing (which I agree it usually is), then it's smart not to tear yourself apart for those things--which I wouldn't advocate doing anyway but people can always tweak to maximize looks Edited January 29, 2022 by Versacehottie 2
heartwhole2 Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 You shouldn't have to change yourself to find a partner . . . plenty of guys aren't into super done up women (it's a super turn off for my husband, which works out nicely because I am the epitome of low maintenance, lol). And if you do find someone that way, won't you worry that if as you age and don't look like a 27 year old any more, they'll be out the door? There's someone for every person, truly. Don't you know lots of people you aren't personally attracted to who are happily paired up? I would just second the idea that this time is hard for dating. Our circles have shrunk, we're going out less, we're working from home instead of seeing a bunch of coworkers every day . . . and so the opportunities for meeting someone have shrunk. OK so I'm in my 40s so I have no idea what the cool apps are these days, but I'd try to find the ones that are more for serious relationships and less for flings. Just remember that you are an awesome person and if "he's just not that into you," then really it's his loss. The right person will worship the floor you walk on. You'll know it when you see it. 2
chillii Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 2 hours ago, Versacehottie said: Also I since you are dating in a different culture than your own, I think almost every culture is more straightforward about dating than Americans. With the other cultures (and perhaps the one you come from), it's almost assumed if you go on a date and the date goes well, you will progress to bf/gf and pretty progressively date in a close way relatively soon. Lol, Americans are more "slippery" lol. I don't know how else to say it but it's a delicate balance to get to a bf/gf stage. If you try too hard or presume too much, too soon, you will likely blow it with a lot of guys. Think it comes down to the tricky fact that a lot of other countries still operate in a lot of ways on more traditional male/female dating patterns and here, women can be forward and follow less traditional patterns--in theory--but guys are still attracted in ways that are more based on traditional patterns, ie if you try too hard or pursue the guy, you are breaking the pattern. Something to consider. lt's funny , but you explained all that really well and thanks . l'm probably in the wrong forum really bc l find most things or ways l might wanna say or try to help with here just aren't understood or of much help really yet they're so simple and straight forward in my world. So yeah it does seem like it's all a very slippery and tricky business there for sure and tbh l never understand the ways either if forums are any truths. lt must be damn hard for new arrivals to get their heads around. 1
Noproblem Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 (edited) are you getting therapy for being single? This is a probloem! There is nothing wrong about being single and sometimes relationships don't work. It doesn't mean you are bad or not good enough! It's just how things are! You needn't be so desperate about getting into a relationship, invest in yourself and try to enjoy your time or be more successful or try to get into higher education! Probably it's a clash of cultures like other mentioned, you haven't adapted to the american way yet, which is ok! Edited January 30, 2022 by Noproblem 1
mortensorchid Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 Sweetheart, I am 47. It ain't any easier. A plus is that you know what you do and don't want anymore,and you'll know people's behaviors by then. If anything it gets harder and harder - you feel like the well is drying up all around you and there's nothing you can do. Just wait. But I digress.... What can you do to make a difference? Keep changing things up, keep trying, and just hope against hope it can happen.
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