what do you think about this date

[jenny 73]

Hi all,

Some of you may remember my old posts! I have started dating again recently and met someone online that seemed like a great person and is also very attractive. I am F 27 and he is M 29.

I asked him out a few weeks ago and we had coffee/dinner for 2 ish hours. It went well! I waited to hear back but ended up reaching out after 40 hrs saying i had fun and asked about him. He said he had fun and wants to see me again.

So we went on a hike after a week. It was fun, i began talking about whether or not this is something he wants to explore. I told him I am I'm look for a serious relationship , something meaningful and long-term, he said he is looking for the same thing and wants to settle down. He suggested he go on a romantic dinner in a few days so it is easier for him to open up about himself and where he stands. I agreed and we ended up doing out two nights ago.

I got to the place and it seemed dark and closed. It turns out the restaurant was closed for some reason, but he didnt have any idea since he made no reservations. Being honest that was a little disappointing as i was hoping for a romantic dinner that he suggested. Anyway we found a restaurant nearby, ordered food and had usual conversations but nothing specific to us and him opening about himself.

Eventually, i said i thought we wanted to talk about us. He said yeah... it is hard to open up and he has been thinking about our religion differences. So I need to mention, he is polish and grew up casual catholic, his family and him are not very religious according to him but he says catholism has shaped the person he is and he wants that for the kids.

I am not religious even though I grew up in a religious country and my family is also not religious. I dont have problems with religious but this is something i have never came across. He said he had a relationship with a jewish lady who expected her to change religious and he said he ran away.

He wanted to know what i think about that moving forward and if possible. I said i dont need him to convert but i am not going to either. I am okay with rules as long as they make sense and dont make me uncomfortable, also said i wont push any religioun on my kids and will let them educate themselves, he agreed with that.

I asked him if he has waited for marriage and he said No, I am a virgin but dont have limitations it just never happened.

At the end i asked if he wants to break up and thinks this does not work, he said he didnt know atm. I asked if he prefers a catholic date, he said ideally yes but it is not easy to find the right person that checks all the boxes, like his sister hasnt yet. I said okay what do we do and he didnt know.

I clearly asked if he can tell me if he doesnt want to continue but he didnt say it. I said to myself okay I go home and wait. If i dont hear back, i move on. If I do, I think about it. Havent heard back after 1.5 days. do you think i need to move on? I really like him and for me he checks many boxes, i just never came across this religion issue my entire life, please tell me what you think

Edited January 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, punctuation

[jenny 73]

in addition, I asked if i can kiss him and he said yes, the kiss was great

[stillafool]

It seems that you are the one making all the major moves here.  Did he hold your hand, put his arm around you or do anything to show affection before you asked to kiss him?  I also think it's too early to have the "what are you looking for convo", but that's me, I'd like to have fun and get to know the person to find out if I even want a relationship with them before I discuss it.  I think at this point you should wait until he contacts you and makes plans.

[Seliana]

If you're happy always being the one always making plans and decisions and like him enough, your call. Personally, he sounds so passive it's off-putting. It feels like you have to light a fire under his butt every time you want something. For a second date, if he likes you enough, initiating all conversation. 

[Ami1uwant]

Im a guy. I’m not religious.  My blood snd family roots say I would be catholic if I was raised on religion but I wasn’t.

 

id have issues here.  When it come to kids, what’s said now could drastically change in what he wants.  
 

I had initial conversations before dating a Jewish woman.  She said she wasn’t religious at all.  Later it came out thst if dhe had kids Thry would be raised as Jewish.  Her saying that I basically said next.

with him…it’s hard to say what he’s thing given his passive attitude.

 

 

[BaileyB]

I agree with stillafool, you are making most of the big moves to progress the relationship - it’s hard to gauge his interest when you do that.

I’m a big fan of the “it was nice to see you last night. I had a lot of fun!” text after the date. That tells him you are interested and that you would be receptive should he ask you out again… 

I too think it was a little too soon to have the “where is this going conversation.” I mean, you went for coffee/dinner once, you went on a hike, and on the first really romantic “date,” you hit him with “do you want to be my boyfriend?” which turned into “do you not want to date me given our religious differences.”

I sure wouldn’t ask him out again. Not that I oppose a woman being able to ask a man out - I’m just saying, I think he is lukewarm and if you take a step back, you will get a better sense of whether he wants to pursue a relationship or not.

Edited January 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[jenny 73]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

It seems that you are the one making all the major moves here.  Did he hold your hand, put his arm around you or do anything to show affection before you asked to kiss him?  I also think it's too early to have the "what are you looking for convo", but that's me, I'd like to have fun and get to know the person to find out if I even want a relationship with them before I discuss it.  I think at this point you should wait until he contacts you and makes plans.

i agree with you, i need to wait or move on... he did hold my hand but that was it. Honestly, I am always the one that makes the plans and when i don't, no one cares enough.... I don't know if I will find someone that really loves me someday i am very disappointed everyone, i don't want to say i am not good enough because i know thats not true. It is just this happens all the time and punches me in the face:/ 

[jenny 73]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I agree with stillafool, you are making most of the big moves to progress the relationship - it’s hard to gauge his interest when you do that.

I’m a big fan of the “it was nice to see you last night. I had a lot of fun!” text after the date. That tells him you are interested and that you would be receptive should he ask you out again… 

I too think it was a little too soon to have the “where is this going conversation.” I mean, you went for coffee/dinner once, you went on a hike, and on the first really romantic “date,” you hit him with “do you want to be my boyfriend?” which turned into “do you not want to date me given our religious differences.”

I sure wouldn’t ask him out again. Not that I oppose a woman being able to ask a man out - I’m just saying, I think he is lukewarm and if you take a step back, you will get a better sense of whether he wants to pursue a relationship or not.

thank you Bailey I appreciate this. I agree with you. At this point, I dont even think I send the "it was nice to see you..." text. The ball is in his court. The reason I asked brought that conversation up is because I felt he is holding back and i wanted to know whether 1. he is not interested enough (which is weird because he kept giving ideas about what we can do together next) or 2. something is bothering his mind (maybe religion differences) ! i cant say i know the answer now but probably both? maybe he is just too nice and says those things.... or doesnt know that he doesnt want me but he doesnt want me.

[jenny 73]

2 hours ago, Seliana said:

If you're happy always being the one always making plans and decisions and like him enough, your call. Personally, he sounds so passive it's off-putting. It feels like you have to light a fire under his butt every time you want something. For a second date, if he likes you enough, initiating all conversation. 

this is the story of my life Seliana  I dont mind being the planner but i want someone that loves me, I agree with you it is off-putting

[jenny 73]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

It seems that you are the one making all the major moves here.  Did he hold your hand, put his arm around you or do anything to show affection before you asked to kiss him?  I also think it's too early to have the "what are you looking for convo", but that's me, I'd like to have fun and get to know the person to find out if I even want a relationship with them before I discuss it.  I think at this point you should wait until he contacts you and makes plans.

i feel such a fool for asking to kiss

[Seliana]

1 minute ago, jenny 73 said:

this is the story of my life Seliana  I dont mind being the planner but i want someone that loves me, I agree with you it is off-putting

Well, as you've said the ball is in his court. In the mean time, since he hasn't clearly expressed interest in seeing you again or asking you on another date, why don't you keep dating others?

Maybe he feels he has more options than you, so he's not motivated enough. I'm not saying to pit him in a competition with another man, simply, don't put your life on hold for someone who isn't excited to see you.

[jenny 73]

34 minutes ago, Seliana said:

Well, as you've said the ball is in his court. In the mean time, since he hasn't clearly expressed interest in seeing you again or asking you on another date, why don't you keep dating others?

Maybe he feels he has more options than you, so he's not motivated enough. I'm not saying to pit him in a competition with another man, simply, don't put your life on hold for someone who isn't excited to see you.

yeah I am trying to date others....all the dates I have been to ended up being with someone who doesn't like me, i have tried dating so many people

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

yeah I am trying to date others....all the dates I have been to ended up being with someone who doesn't like me, i have tried dating so many people

Rather than them not liking you, could it be that you're scaring them off?   It was awfully early to have the relationship discussion with this guy, and even more strange that you did it when there wasn't yet a strong connection.  Also, it was very very early to be hoping for a romantic dinner.

Get to know a guy and be at the stage where you're both looking forward to seeing each other before you raise these discussions.  

 

[chillii]

Way too much bs for so soon op sorry , you should be having fun. Yeah all these things come up naturally but it just sounded forced and all about all that stuff instead of you two just enjoying the night and ea other. He also sounds like he takes quite a bit of nudging and l don't think that's a very good sign of his true interest either.

Edited January 28, 2022 by chillii

[jenny 73]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Rather than them not liking you, could it be that you're scaring them off?   It was awfully early to have the relationship discussion with this guy, and even more strange that you did it when there wasn't yet a strong connection.  Also, it was very very early to be hoping for a romantic dinner.

Get to know a guy and be at the stage where you're both looking forward to seeing each other before you raise these discussions.  

 

it is possible, thanks for the comment. However, he mentioned lets have a romantic dinner not me. And I just wasnt feeling he likes me thats why I asked to see if he likes me or not. Maybe part of it has to do with my insecurity...now I dont know if I should text him or just wait and let go if i dont hear back

[jenny 73]

1 minute ago, chillii said:

Way too much bs for so soon op sorry , you should be having fun. Yeah all these things come up naturally but it just sounded forced and all about all that stuff instead of you two just enjoying ea the night and ea other. He also sounds like he takes quite a bit of nudging and l don't think that's a very good sign of his true interest either.

i think i probably didnt think it is working/ i was not feeling it naturally, so instead of letting go I brought it up. Maybe since I have not been in a relationship for so long (and not feel loved by potential partners), deep down I am scared and want to be direct and make sure they are interested.

[basil67]

34 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

and not feel loved by potential partners

Potential partners can't love you because they do not know you properly.   Love develops as you get to know each other and become real partners.

The best you can hope for with a potential partner is a good vibe.

37 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

it is possible, thanks for the comment. However, he mentioned lets have a romantic dinner not me. And I just wasnt feeling he likes me thats why I asked to see if he likes me or not. Maybe part of it has to do with my insecurity...now I dont know if I should text him or just wait and let go if i dont hear back

It was nice of him to mention a romantic dinner, but given the lack of connection, still far too early....and a rookie error.    And don't be disappointed by a lack of booking dinner - some of my best nights have come from just winging it.  Going with the flow can be fun

Definitely don't text him.  You've already shown more interest than him

Edited January 28, 2022 by basil67

[chillii]

50 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

i think i probably didnt think it is working/ i was not feeling it naturally, so instead of letting go I brought it up. Maybe since I have not been in a relationship for so long (and not feel loved by potential partners), deep down I am scared and want to be direct and make sure they are interested.

Yeah right , well that's understandable, l know it's really tricky . Sometimes it's like damned if you do or don't isn't it.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

At the end i asked if he wants to break up and thinks this does not work, he said he didnt know atm.

Unfortunately he doesn't seem that interested. He's just sort of going along with things but has more objections than anything else.

For a third date, talking about "us" and "the relationship" and "breaking up" seems somewhat heavy-handed.

Both of you are still talking to and meeting others. It was a third date. And you are initiating everything and chasing quite hard.

Basically anyone you need to pull along and coax this much is not all that interested.

 

[glows]

It’s ok to pay him no more attention. He’s not interested.

I interpreted you asking about the heavier topics because you sensed he was ambivalent and unconvinced or unenthusiastic for the most part. The energy you usually get from mutual interest was missing between the two of you. You were seeking affirmations or some sign of whether there was even a pulse on the other side. 

Let this go. I think it’s still great that you met someone and made the effort.

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

i feel such a fool for asking to kiss

Don't be so hard on yourself.  You sound like you were in need of affection and you went for it, trust me guys could get a lot worse and many wish they were in his shoes at that moment so just let that roll off your back and move on.

[smackie9]

ick...this seems so forced, robotic, not very romantic, staunch. Don't get sucked in with the kiss, being lonely, etc. Keep your head on straight. You are here because this doesn't feel right, but you don't want it to be. My feeling about this, I wouldn't continue.  

[jenny 73]

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

ick...this seems so forced, robotic, not very romantic, staunch. Don't get sucked in with the kiss, being lonely, etc. Keep your head on straight. You are here because this doesn't feel right, but you don't want it to be. My feeling about this, I wouldn't continue.  

I agree! I havent had anyone interested in me since early college and its been rough. So I try to make things work even if they are not promising

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

 I try to make things work even if they are not promising

Ok, stop doing this. It's a turn off. Walk away if they are "meh" about you. The trick is to cut your losses early on.

Also stop the heavy duty talk.  You seem to be smothering, chasing and pursuing men too hard. Lay back a bit.

[glows]

1 hour ago, jenny 73 said:

I agree! I havent had anyone interested in me since early college and its been rough. So I try to make things work even if they are not promising

It's a little more challenging once you start working but make an effort and meet people outside of your regular routine. It doesn't have to lead to dating.