1 Yr Long Distance Relationship- Call it Quits? Help :

[VWarren89]

I met my boyfriend on Instagram over a few years ago. We were friends for awhile first, but eventually got together in an exclusive, long distance relationship. I learned through him that he wanted to keep our relationship private because he has crazy exes. So I respected that, in hope hed change his mind eventually over time. We both do play a virtual game called Second Life, but he'd rarely get on with me or do things with me there.

We never took photos in-game, but he'd take photos alone and always claimed he had those pics in his phone that he never posted. He knows that I am the public type, I love being public about who I'm with because that is my person and I'm not afraid to show my special person off to the world. But he said he was uncomfortable to do so, so I stopped bringing it up. But it would always come up when I'd see him commenting on other girl's photos, or when he'd post something. Yet he always would tell me "social media means nothing to him," and that he doesnt care about the virtual game we play like that. 

He also has this best friend the he himself calls easy and has sex with whoever she can. He also has female friends that comment ❤, under his photos that makes me very upset. He says he pays no mind to it because it doesnt matter to him. He says everyone knows about me, but since we are private, how do I know that's true? I dont even feel comfortable telling anyone we're together because of how he acts about it, which makes me feel like I'm not myself. His best friend even had asked him to visit her to meet her new boyfriend, but I wasnt invited by her or my boyfriend. My boyfriend said he didnt invite me because he knows i dont trust her. How can I trust someone that he himself calls easy? Then I asked him why didnt he invite me and he said "you can come if you want to."

We have made countless plans for him to visit but he has never came once. Hes canceled plans due to family issues because he thinks he needs to fix all of his family's troubles on his own, even their mistakes he wants to correct. Which pushes me to the very bottom. I feel last to him in every way yet he says I'm not. For his birthday, he didnt even tell me he decided he wasnt coming. He decided on his own and didnt bring it up until days after he was supposed to show. He only brought it up because we were arguing because I was hurt because he didnt show. He knew days before he wasnt coming and never told me.

During arguments. He has hung up on me several times and rushes me off the phone to get off before "he says something he'll regret." I told him never to hang up on me or rush me but he continues to do so.

We have broken up at least twice. I believe I have fell out of love with him because I'm honestly tired of him telling me hes going to do something, and then he doesnt yet he gets upset at me that I don't trust his word anymore. This past week he was supposed to be here but he didnt show. We have never met in person. This recent break up, he mentioned we need to learn each other and be stronger. Yet all we've done is the same thing. Sit on the phone. I dont even call or text him like I used to when I was in love. And I dont even care if I go all day without hearing from him.

I am 32 years old and hes 26. I am trying to build my life with someone that is ready, as I am ready to have kids. We havent even met in person for us to fully determine if we are compatible. He wont allow me to visit him because it's too dangerous because he lives in a bad neighborhood, he won't compromise for me to meet him halfway somewhere, and he wont come here because his family constantly needs him for whatever they say. 

I believe I stay because of the amount of time I've spent on him. But being in love with him, I'm in love the person he was that made me fall in the first place. Not who he is now. His mother did pass away 2 years ago which has taken a toll on him, but I feel like we cant have a normal relationship. We dont do relationship things. All we do is sit on the phone. We have no deep conversations, and we just watch tv or I listen to him playing the game.

I forgot to mention that, yes we had our honeymoon stage but I felt like that was quickly over. For majority of our relationship, I was always begging him to spend time with me, show me attention, do things with me. He had got to busy to the point where he'd put me on hold multiple times for long periods of time each phone call, then hed have to leave the house. He's been the first to ever show me so little attention, so when I feel like I ask him to spend time with me, it makes me feel clingy or that I'm nagging. I have given him ultimatums, yelled at him multiple times, and we still constantly fight over this. That he barely pays me no mind. And when I'm dealing with something and I need comfort, I rarely get that because he has his own issues. He deals with so much in his life, I feel like relationship problems or my problems I cant express or bring up because I dont want to nag him or make him feel worse. In turn, this has made me out to be someone I am not to satisfy him. In a way, the relationship revolves around him, what he wants, and based off his time.

Since we recently got back together, everything still feels the same. Even today he asked me can we spend time together, I said yes of course but all day he was on his game, answering phone calls, and even hung up to go do something. Deep down, I knew he'd do this because it's a pattern. I already knew.

I'm honestly at the point where I dont care but it's hard for me to leave. I'm obviously not happy but why can I not leave.

[normal person]

6 hours ago, VWarren89 said:

We have never met in person.

Then you don't have a real relationship. Why bother with this? If in a year you've never met for whatever reason, what's the point of it really? You're grown adults, just meet up or stop wasting each others' time. If you wanted to see each other by now, you would've found a way relatively easily. Why cause yourself all this stress and anxiety when you could be putting your energy into someone who lives in your city that you can actually spend time with? It sounds like you've been in limbo with this situation the whole time, you've never even gotten off the ground. It doesn't sound like he treats all that well either, so why waste your time? 

6 hours ago, VWarren89 said:

We havent even met in person for us to fully determine if we are compatible.

If you're physically unable to meet in person, and can't in the foreseeable future, consider that you aren't compatible for that reason alone. 

6 hours ago, VWarren89 said:

He wont allow me to visit him because it's too dangerous because he lives in a bad neighborhood,

Why can't he meet you anywhere else? I'm sure there's some reason, of course (?). 

6 hours ago, VWarren89 said:

he won't compromise for me to meet him halfway somewhere

How convenient. 

6 hours ago, VWarren89 said:

and he wont come here because his family constantly needs him for whatever they say

Ok. So if his plan is to be on call for his family no matter what, won't meet you where he lives and won't meet you anywhere else, then it sounds like you can't be in an actual relationship with him. He has other, bigger, priorities and meeting you is not one of them. No matter which way you slice it, you literally cannot meet up with this man for one reason or another. 

To be honest, it doesn't sound like he's particularly interested in this "relationship" as if he was, you would've met by now. It doesn't sound like there is any way things might change on the horizon either, so it sounds like your arrangement is limited to what it is now. So I say just forget about him because I don't foresee anything happening. If there's no concrete plan for things to change in the near term, then it's a waste of time. 

It reminds me of a similar situation I was in a few years ago. I entertained the idea of moving to a new city, so just for fun I went on a dating site and set my location there just so I could see who was out there. I "favorited" one girl who I thought was really stunning and figured if I ever moved there, I'd message her. Not soon after she just messages me, and we start talking. We FaceTime a little, we're on the same page, looking for "our person," etc. I fly out there to check things out and we meet up and have a great time. We FaceTime a bit more when I'm back home and a few weeks later I go out again to see her. I come home. We FaceTime more but after a little while she eventually tells me she met some other guy and is going to start seeing him as she was never sure if/when I was going to move out there. 'Can't say I blame her. Things weren't progressing at the speed she wanted, so she had to move on. In no universe would this girl stick around on the hope that I might move someday, at some indeterminate time in the future. She decided not to waste our collective time. The end. Set yourself free. 

 

Edited January 27, 2022 by normal person

[normal person]

6 hours ago, VWarren89 said:

I believe I stay because of the amount of time I've spent on him.

Sunk cost fallacy. 

6 hours ago, VWarren89 said:

His mother did pass away 2 years ago which has taken a toll on him, but I feel like we cant have a normal relationship. We dont do relationship things. All we do is sit on the phone. We have no deep conversations, and we just watch tv or I listen to him playing the game.

So what's in this for you, exactly? Is there anything enjoyable about "being with" this guy at all?

6 hours ago, VWarren89 said:

I have given him ultimatums, yelled at him multiple times, and we still constantly fight over this.

Yeah, and when he didn't accept the ultimatums, what happened? Let me guess, he continued his behavior without punishment because you're not a priority to him, therefore your threats are meaningless. 

There are too many red flags in your post to even comment on. Please do yourself a favor and end this "relationship" and move on to a guy who appreciates you. Preferably one that you can, y'know, actually meet in person. 

[Wiseman2]

Be careful not to get caught up in cyber fantasy romances.

This entity is not what it claims to be. Could be catfishing, in a relationship or something else.

Delete and block. Date local men you can see regularly.

[BaileyB]

22 hours ago, VWarren89 said:

I believe I stay because of the amount of time I've spent on him.

This is called the sink cost fallacy - I suggest that you look it up.

My friend, you have never had a honeymoon phase. You don’t have a relationship with this man because you have never met him in person. 

You have - 

A man who cancels when he makes plans to meet you and doesn’t even tell you that he is not coming.

A man who doesn’t want to spend time with you playing the game you love/where you met.

A man who argues with you. 

A man who refuses to tell the world about your existence because he doesn’t want all the girls who respond to his photos with to know about you (considering that you consider yourself to be his girlfriend). 

You have been trying to build a relationship with this man for the past year and he is clearly not interested. It’s time to end all communication now and look for someone who wants to be with you… I’m sorry.

 

 

Edited January 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, normal person said:

So what's in this for you, exactly? Is there anything enjoyable about "being with" this guy at all?

I am also wondering this - 

If you were dating in real life and he cancelled plans/just didn’t show up for your dates, didn’t initiate communication or want to spend time with you, argued with you, refused to let others know about your relationship/tried to hide you, and there were other women circling - it would be an absolutely terrible relationship. It’s very one sided and he is being very disrespectful. There’s no joy in this relationship for you. 

Edited January 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[1Mind]

I'm sorry you are going through with this. From what you have written i don't see any redeeming quality in this relationship. You should focus on you. Find time to do anything more worthwhile than interacting with this guy. He is incredibly selfish, and it is clear you mean very little o him.

[stillafool]

Since  you've never met him, been on a date or visited his home, he may be a married man for all you know and that is the family he has to take care of that always comes first.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would bet my bottom dollar that he is married. 

Or has a live-in girlfriend. 

[ASG]

20 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would bet my bottom dollar that he is married. 

Or has a live-in girlfriend. 

Literally what I was thinking. 

Does't "allow" OP to visit cause he lives in a dangerous area? That's some bullshit, particularly as he won't compromise on meeting anywhere else, and keeps cancelling plans to go visit the OP. 

Couple that with the "secret" relationship because of "crazy exes" and he's definitely not single!

[smackie9]

I think you posted on another site...so my advice stands....if you have to keep it a secret, that means you shouldn't be doing it.