purplesoccer34 Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 I'm always a bit confused about what to do when I'm dating someone but haven't become exclusive with them yet. I recently met the most wonderful guy through OLD a couple months ago, and we've met a handful of times. When we aren't spending time together in person, we're either texting or talking on the phone pretty regularly. So far, I haven't met anyone that I feel more comfortable with. He listens to me, asks me questions about my life, and seems like he really wants to get to know me. We also have quite a bit in common and really connect on a deeper level. He also makes time for me, and all of this is so refreshing because I've recently only had experience dating men that were hot and cold, or those that eventually ended up not having much interest in me. Some men I've dated in the past would come on very strongly in the beginning, only to lose interest later on. I know it's still pretty early on with this guy, but I really like his personality and we're getting along very well. He also made it clear that he's looking for something serious. The only (probably somewhat minor) issue is that when I first met him, I wasn't all that attracted to him physically. I was very drawn to him emotionally though, and for that reason, I decided to keep seeing him. Amazingly enough, my physical attraction has really grown over time and I'm a lot more attracted to him now than I was when we first met. He is a little shy though and kissing him is still very awkward for me. I can tell he's nervous, and might also be worth mentioning that he hasn't had a real relationship before (he's in his mid-30s). I know that he's been on dates here and there but that's pretty much it. I'm still hopeful that this can be improved - I love spending time with him and feel such a strong emotional connection that I'd like to give the physical part a little bit more time to develop. At the same time, I'm still getting to know him and I'm not 100% sure I want to be exclusive yet. I definitely see potential, but I'm not quite there. I attend a meetup group pretty regularly and met someone else over there. He seems to be my type and I'm interested in getting to know him as well. As much as I'd like to go on a date with this guy, I feel a little guilty for entertaining this thought especially since I communicate pretty regularly with the first guy and we already have a good connection. How do I approach this? Do I turn down the second guy and make life easier for myself by focusing on one person, or just give it a go?
glows Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 Is the second man single? Does the attraction seem mutual or has he asked you out on a date? Slow down as the meet up guy may be platonic only or no real interest in dating you. I do think however that if you’ve been seeing someone already for two months (the first guy) and someone else who may not even have asked you out on an date yet snags your attention, this first guy is not for you! I’d cut the first man loose as he deserves to be with someone really into him, not lukewarm. Two months is enough time to know when you’d rather be elsewhere and perhaps you would rather be elsewhere… with someone else. 4
basil67 Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 I agree with @glows. You've been seeing this guy for two months or so and don't yet know if you want to commit to him. That tells me that he's not the one for you. And yes, the guy at the meetup may not be interested, but this isn't a reason to keep seeing guy #1 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 4 hours ago, purplesoccer34 said: . I definitely see potential, but I'm not quite there. I attend a meetup group pretty regularly and met someone else over there. He seems to be my type and I'm interested in getting to know him as well. Guy#1 is nice and has "potential", but you seem attracted to guy#2. So don't lock yourself down when both are iffy.
Blind-Sided Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 Honestly... This is why I think multi-dating is a bad idea. You can't focus on one person, and you wind up trying to take the best of each, and try to decide. Besides... there are hundreds of posts on this forum with people who say... "Everything was going great. Why did he/she stop talking to me?" Chances are... the other person was seeing multiple people, and just made a choice. Why play with someone's emotions like that? Anyway... all I can say is... you are the only one who can make a choice. It needs done, and you need to let the other one go. One last thought... you say you feel guilty about it. So why did you go to the "Meet up" in the first place? If you are serious about the first guy... why look around? I guess if it was my choice... you have been going out guy #1 but aren't sure about him. That's your answer. You really don't want to be with him, and are trying to make it work. Let him go, and see how guy #2 is. 7
poppyfields Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) I think if you were truly into no. 1, and the mental, emotional and physical connection matched (which is necessary imo) you would not have even been thinking of attending a singles meet up, let alone attended and met another man you were attracted to. That is why for me personally multi-dating leaves a bad taste, it means you're still looking, keeping options open. And when I'm into a man, and he's multi-dating, it tells me his feelings for ME aren't where they should be, i.e. he's not all that into me. I do not feel special, in fact the opposite. Here, YOU are the one who doesn't wish to be exclusive, and wants to multi-date, keep options open. Agree with others, let no. 1 go, it sounds like you have a nice special "friendship." Do not underestimate how powerful the physical is -- physical and sexual attraction. Which goes beyond appearance. It's an energy, a chemistry between you, that you do NOT have with no. 1. Maybe you have that with no. 2, maybe not. Doesn't matter cause at the end of the day, it's not there with no. 1 so let him go. Edited January 27, 2022 by poppyfields 1
poppyfields Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: Honestly... This is why I think multi-dating is a bad idea. You can't focus on one person, and you wind up trying to take the best of each... Not only that, but you can't give all of your best either. You wind up giving little bits and pieces of yourself to each person, constantly questioning your feelings and weighing all the options. I know others disagree, it's been discussed and debated ad nauseum but it's very difficult imo to develop a true connection with one, where all the elements are there, when you're juggling several. JMO, I realize it works for others. Good luck OP whatever you decide to do. Edited January 27, 2022 by poppyfields 5
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 There will always be someone better around the corner. At some point you have to make a decision to concentrate on that ONE person and give it your best. Wonderful guys don't run the streets. So you stick with guy 1 if you think everything is there to grow the type of love/relationship you want. If something is missing to acheive that then let him go. Wonderful guys deserve honesty and not be lead on while you search for a better suit. 5
ShyViolet Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 I think if you were really into guy #1, if you really felt strongly about him, you wouldn't want to date anyone else. The fact that you met someone else you're interested in kinda shows that your connection with guy #1 isn't that strong. Just make sure that you don't lead on guy #1. Keep it casual and don't give him any false ideas that you want to be exclusive. 1
Author purplesoccer34 Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 I should clarify that the meetup group I attend is actually a social group to make new friends. I moved to my current city pretty recently and thought it would be a good way to meet new people in the area to hangout with. The guy that I met over there has asked me to dinner, and he seemed like a nice person. Although after some thought, I've decided not to go - it doesn't really feel right to me. I haven't been dating anyone else for the past two months and haven't been looking either. My OLD apps are still active, but I never really check them. I feel like the only thing that's slightly lacking with the first guy is the physical chemistry, but I'm wondering if it's because he's shy. I really like everything else about him - the more I think about it, the more I feel like seeing how that physical chemistry develops over time, especially as we become more comfortable with each other. The more time I spend with him, the more my feelings grow and the more I admire him. In the past, I admit I've been too caught up in thinking "what else is out there" even when everything was going well, so I'm trying to make sure I don't think that way anymore. 3
Weezy1973 Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 Although I’m pro multi dating in the early stages of online dating, 2 months is more than enough time, especially with consistent communication between dates, to establish exclusivity. I suspect you’ll have to lead the exclusivity talk in this case due to his inexperience. You might also have to drive the sexual escalation. Which is fine (regardless of what some people think of “proper” gender roles). 1
Uruktopi Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) I never multi dated. Not because I have a reason that may apply to others, but it´s not and never was my thing. It gives me nothing I may found desirable. So cant´t answer based on my own experiences / frame of thought. I may only say: don´t settle for less than what you enthusiastically desire. Best wishes. Edited January 27, 2022 by Uruktopi
central Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 I multi-dated when I had the option. It usually wasn't for very long, because it didn't take long to decide if someone was worth exclusivity, or not worth more of my time. However, I'm also poly, so there were a couple of times I dated more than one very compatible woman and it was hard to decide. In those cases I spoke to both and gave them the option to continue seeing me - or not - under the circumstances. Turns out they were open to poly relationships, and I had a couple of such that lasted many years (along with my core relationship that's now in its 23rd year). In your case, OP, I think you're clinging to #1 because a mediocre match is better than having noone. This is a disservice to #1. And #2 is an unknow, pretty much. Maybe you need to forget about both and look for #3 where it's truly mutual.
BaileyB Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 11 hours ago, Gaeta said: There will always be someone better around the corner. At some point you have to make a decision to concentrate on that ONE person and give it your best. Wonderful guys don't run the streets. So you stick with guy 1 if you think everything is there to grow the type of love/relationship you want. If something is missing to acheive that then let him go. Wonderful guys deserve honesty and not be lead on while you search for a better suit. I agree. I wouldn’t want to risk losing a relationship with a wonderful guy because it came out that I was also seeing other people - I think he deserves more than that and that’s not the kind of person that I want to be. That said, only you can decide if you are interested in dating guy #1. One thing I know for sure - when we are younger we have a tendency to have unrealistic expectations/place too much emphasis on attraction. That said, there needs to be some attraction. As you have learned, attraction is not all all-or-nothing static thing - it can certainly grow or be lost as you get to know someone. And, his inexperience may well contribute to your lack of “butterflies.” Confidence is one of the most attractive qualities for both men and women. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 12 hours ago, purplesoccer34 said: In the past, I admit I've been too caught up in thinking "what else is out there" . Ok. That's good. But forcing yourself to date someone you're not attracted to is going too far in the other direction.
poppyfields Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 (edited) 17 hours ago, purplesoccer34 said: In the past, I admit I've been too caught up in thinking "what else is out there"... Whenever I have felt that way (and have a couple of times), that was a clear indication to me that I was dating the wrong person -- wrong for me. When dating the right person for you, even if he is 'right for now' because one never truly knows what will happen especially in the early stages when getting to know, I promise you, you will not be having those thoughts. The challenge is knowing when someone is and feels "right." For me, I didn't know until it actually happened, and it hits you like a ton of bricks! Now I won't settle for less even if it means not dating anyone for awhile. That's me though, I don't mind being alone, I actually embrace it. But not everyone does, it seems people always want to be dating someone, whether they're right or not. Your call on that, good luck. Edited January 28, 2022 by poppyfields
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 It's all in the kiss hun, it's all in the kiss.....if it's awkward and still working on it, punt him to left field, and kiss new guy. I bet your toes are gonna curl.
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