chillii Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: She just sent me a text. Asking "what am I supposed to do here? Give you space, leave you alone? Do I need to make other arrangements for the arrangements we already planed? I'm just confused". I just replied back saying I don't want to do this by text. Man that sounds so me me of her. She can't even give you a few days all she's worried about is what is "she" suppose to do with a few plans - what are "you" suppose to do more like it. Edited January 27, 2022 by chillii
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 Your relationship died even before you two broke up. Your past threads are evidence of that. You are going to get very hurt when she meets a man who knocks her socks off. She hasn't met him yet, but it will happen. Because mark my words, she will leave you in the dust. And you will be wondering why you wasted so much time on her. That is your future here. 4 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 28, 2022 Author Posted January 28, 2022 So we were texting a little bit yesterday, and it seems like I was asking my question wrong. She was taking my question as if I wanted an answer as to what her decision is right then and there. I guess I can see that, when I asked "where is your mind at right now". She said if I would of asked a question more on the lines of "do you see a future with me or are you feeling better about a future with me" then her answer would be yes, that things are moving in a good direction between us and she wants to continue working in the direction.
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 28, 2022 Author Posted January 28, 2022 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: You are going to get very hurt when she meets a man who knocks her socks off. She hasn't met him yet, but it will happen. Because mark my words, she will leave you in the dust. And you will be wondering why you wasted so much time on her. That is a possibility but I can only take her word. She told me plenty of times that would not happen because she won't allow it to happen. Anything is possible, I know that.
vla1120 Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 2 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: So we were texting a little bit yesterday, and it seems like I was asking my question wrong. She was taking my question as if I wanted an answer as to what her decision is right then and there. I guess I can see that, when I asked "where is your mind at right now". She said if I would of asked a question more on the lines of "do you see a future with me or are you feeling better about a future with me" then her answer would be yes, that things are moving in a good direction between us and she wants to continue working in the direction. Are you saying you're going to stay with her? If so, I suspect you'll find yourself back here looking for advice again. It won't a matter of if, but when. 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 28, 2022 Author Posted January 28, 2022 1 minute ago, vla1120 said: Are you saying you're going to stay with her? If so, I suspect you'll find yourself back here looking for advice again. It won't a matter of if, but when. No, I am not saying that and we didn't talk about that in our text. She did ask to get together this weekend and talk more but I never gave her an answer.
vla1120 Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 21 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: No, I am not saying that and we didn't talk about that in our text. She did ask to get together this weekend and talk more but I never gave her an answer. I think you should let things cool down. It's really not fair to you that she wants to keep you around to have a soft place to land. You deserve better. 4
glows Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 57 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: No, I am not saying that and we didn't talk about that in our text. She did ask to get together this weekend and talk more but I never gave her an answer. Regardless of what’s going on, avoid playing games or keeping each other on the hook. If you’re not interested in seeing her this weekend or not keen on the idea, reply back with a response that you don’t feel it’s a good idea at the moment and need to think over things.
Mrin Posted January 28, 2022 Posted January 28, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, glows said: If you’re not interested in seeing her this weekend or not keen on the idea, reply back with a response that you don’t feel it’s a good idea at the moment and need to think over things This. . I dated a woman who would do the leaving me on the hook/silent treatment thing. The first time she pulled it I let it go. The second time I warned her that I would end things if she did it again. The third time I ended it. I have zero patience for passive aggressiveness. Edited January 28, 2022 by Mrin 2
Versacehottie Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 2 hours ago, Mrin said: This. . I dated a woman who would do the leaving me on the hook/silent treatment thing. The first time she pulled it I let it go. The second time I warned her that I would end things if she did it again. The third time I ended it. I have zero patience for passive aggressiveness. Agree with the bolded...I feel like it's coming from both sides though. There's a lot between the lines that if someone is really looking they can see (not to mention we are getting just the OP's side of the story). 8-9 years is a long time so there are a lot of patterns and strong ones at that going on. The end result is not the work of just one person. There definitely is a dose of drama (maybe perversely enjoyed to some extent or liking that things are in limbo because it's too hard to pull the plug). Although it's hard, he's been churning on this decision that he was positive was coming in the form of bad news from her for several days. Not to mention that he's got to have been wondering will we/won't we for almost a year now. He's not ready to pull the plug otherwise he could have/would have done so at "the talk". Now she's back on the half way in/half way out and so is he...which is a way to keep it going. The whole description of what was said was a word salad. Can totally understand that it's not easy to break it off completely...but one has to ask when faced with exactly that and knowing that's what you should do...why doesn't he do it? Seems like a dysfunctional pattern of both of their making. Think the OP will ultimately lose out if he just "lets" stuff happen to him without making his own decisions vs choosing a path. And it's been made pretty clear that he can't truly choose the path with her because she's only half in and it takes two to choose that path. (not to mention she will never give him a fulfilling relationship like he wants). 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 Try to reflect on your role in this. It sounds like you want to get away from the room you're renting. Perhaps after you moved out, things weren't falling into place for you as far as comfortable living arrangements and dating.. Hanging out at her house again may feel comfortable like old slippers, but it hasn't been a romantic/sexual relationship for years. Even before you moved out, it was separate bedrooms for years. She's not attracted to you. However you both have this attachment that seems to wax and wane. You could still hang out as cuddle buddies, but if you want a fulfilling sexual relationship, this is not the place to look for it.
petee Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 OP, there is only one person here that can help you. That is yourself, so act on behalf of yourself. Nearly everybody here agrees that you deserve better, so what do you think? 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 29, 2022 Author Posted January 29, 2022 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Try to reflect on your role in this. It sounds like you want to get away from the room you're renting. Perhaps after you moved out, things weren't falling into place for you as far as comfortable living arrangements and dating.. Hanging out at her house again may feel comfortable like old slippers, but it hasn't been a romantic/sexual relationship for years. Even before you moved out, it was separate bedrooms for years. She's not attracted to you. However you both have this attachment that seems to wax and wane. You could still hang out as cuddle buddies, but if you want a fulfilling sexual relationship, this is not the place to look for it. I'm actually pretty comfortable with my current living arrangements. I even mentioned to her that getting back into a committed relationship does not mean moving back in together. She's actually came over to my place a few times but it is easier spending our time together over her house because of the dogs. Maybe she's lying but she has ensured me that she is attracted to me both physically and emotionally. The whole separate bedroom thing, I really had to respect her for that. She is a very light sleeper, I mean she'll wake up to a mouse fart and I've a very heavy sleeper and I toss and turn a lot. 1
LifeIsBeautiful410 Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 Im sorry to say this but your ex girlfriend seems mentally unstable, I would run.
Wiseman2 Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 17 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: . I even mentioned to her that getting back into a committed relationship does not mean moving back in together. Are you sure you mean the same thing by "committed relationship"? You seem to mean reintroducing sex. What does she mean by it? Perhaps it's time to be specific about what terms you want besides hanging out at her place with the dogs and cuddling.
introverted1 Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 On 1/27/2022 at 10:39 AM, ItsTheDay said: I wouldn't say she's being wishy-washy, I mean what she is telling me now is the same she's been telling me. She wants to see how and if we could possibly have a relationship again but right now, she doesn't want a relationship and she want's to focus on herself. You're right - she's not wishy-washy. She is plainly not interested in anything more than having you as a back-up while she focuses on herself. Pretty sure finding a new man willbe part of that focus. On 1/28/2022 at 6:38 AM, ItsTheDay said: So we were texting a little bit yesterday, and it seems like I was asking my question wrong. She was taking my question as if I wanted an answer as to what her decision is right then and there. I guess I can see that, when I asked "where is your mind at right now". She said if I would of asked a question more on the lines of "do you see a future with me or are you feeling better about a future with me" then her answer would be yes, that things are moving in a good direction between us and she wants to continue working in the direction. You've know her for 9 years? The future is the present. Is how things are now how you want to live your life? 19 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: Maybe she's lying but she has ensured me that she is attracted to me both physically and emotionally. Talk is cheap. What actions does she take that show you she is attracted to you? 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 30, 2022 Author Posted January 30, 2022 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you sure you mean the same thing by "committed relationship"? You seem to mean reintroducing sex. What does she mean by it? Perhaps it's time to be specific about what terms you want besides hanging out at her place with the dogs and cuddling. Maybe I worded that wrong, I meant right away. I didn't have to move in right away in order to be in a committed relationship.
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 30, 2022 Author Posted January 30, 2022 3 hours ago, introverted1 said: Talk is cheap. What actions does she take that show you she is attracted to you? She'll grab my chest and make comments like "God your pecs are huge". She'll rub on my arms and tell me how defined my muscles are. She'll stare in my eyes and tell me I have pretty eyes.
introverted1 Posted January 30, 2022 Posted January 30, 2022 1 hour ago, ItsTheDay said: She'll grab my chest and make comments like "God your pecs are huge". She'll rub on my arms and tell me how defined my muscles are. She'll stare in my eyes and tell me I have pretty eyes. And does she have sex with you? 1
chillii Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 (edited) Yeah , l'd be thinking the same.Not reading back but she's 40s right, knows just how to play this enoigh to keep you hanging l'd be thinking. Women are just as sexual as us man and she'd be complaining on LS herself if nothing was happening after all this time if she was really interested. Not to say she was lying about things she likes, but we can like and yet still not feel the right stuff, somethings very wrong with the picture imo. Edited January 31, 2022 by chillii 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31, 2022 Posted January 31, 2022 12 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: She'll grab my chest and make comments like "God your pecs are huge". She'll rub on my arms and tell me how defined my muscles are. She'll stare in my eyes and tell me I have pretty eyes. And yet...she still doesn't want to have sex with you. OP, the writing is on the wall. It's up to you how long you want to ignore it. 1
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