petee Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 OP, you are wasting your time chasing an imaginary relationship. You have more than enough information to make a decision, but it is clear as day, she’s not for you. However long it takes you to work this out is up to you, but it’s time lost, you won’t get this time back. 6
BaileyB Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) 21 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: She said it's obvious she sees this going somewhere because if she didn't, she wouldn't want to continue it. Quote So I asked what side of the fence are you on, are you still on the fence, on the side of no relationship or on the side of building to a relationship. She said she's still on the fence but obviously she still wants to continue this to see where it goes. These two statements are not consistent. I just think you deserve more from the woman you love, nine years into your relationship. If I hear my partner say “I’m on the fence -“ that would be the end of it. I’m sorry, I think you need to decide how much longer you are willing to wait and make your plans accordingly. Quote I told her my feelings, how she holds all the power and is in charge of this. She got pretty upset, not mad but upset that it's making me feel that way and told me that is not how she wants me to feel, and said I do have power in whatever this is. The lack of insight in this statement. concerns me. She believes you have power - when she is withholding sex and telling you that she doesn’t want a relationship - doesn’t know when/if she wants to be in a committed relationship with you. 49 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: I asked her, from six months ago to now where is she at. From the time she told me she doesn't want to jump back in a relationship with me but she wants to take it slow and see where things go. At first, she got angry over that question and asked why I had to say "six months ago" like it's been a long time. I just said because it was six months ago, if it was the other day I would of said the other day. And this concerns me. It tells me that she has no plan and she has basically frittered ways the last six months. What’s more, she feels no urgency - she wants to “take it slow” and “see where this goes.” Six months is nothing to her. And to think, she was excited about this talk and thought you would be pleased - I once had a man tell me that he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and he didn’t know when he would be ready - I said thank you for your honesty and I wished him well. I want more than that from my relationship partner. I’m sorry. Edited January 27, 2022 by BaileyB 1
BaileyB Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 19 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: Yeah, hence the reason why I said I already had a feeling how it's going to go. I asked her what working on herself looks like, that was around the whole derailed conversation. Her answers to me were irrelevant. It was things like starting to wake up earlier, meal prepping better, making better food choices. Unless it's deeper than that, it didn't make sense to me. It doesn’t make sense, except to say that she wants the benefits of a relationship without having to do any of the work - all while maintaining her freedom. That is unfair to ask of someone else. You sound like a very nice man - you need to go in search of a woman who wants what you want from life and is going to be a loving and committed partner to you. Just my humble opinion… 2
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: It doesn’t make sense, except to say that she wants the benefits of a relationship without having to do any of the work - all while maintaining her freedom. That is unfair to ask of someone else. You sound like a very nice man - you need to go in search of a woman who wants what you want from life and is going to be a loving and committed partner to you. Just my humble opinion… It didn't makes sense to me either, that's why I think it's deeper than that. The part where I asked from six months ago, where is she at. When she got angry, she was trying to dig into that to where it was coming from. That's how it went off topic. In the past, she wouldn't of calmed down and it would of been a full blown argument so I was trying to tell her she should give herself some credit, because we both we able to talk about it but she wanted to know where it was coming from. I told her it's just who you are, you jump to conclusion but she didn't like that either. Not that I said that, but the thought of accepting that is who she is.
Wiseman2 Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 10 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: I told her it's just who you are, you jump to conclusion but she didn't like that either. The relationship was over when she asked you to move out. But is was really over when you had separate bedrooms for years living with her. Unfortunately it seems to be going in on/off cycles leaving you frustrated: 1
chillii Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: And to think, she was excited about this talk and thought you would be pleased - l thought the same , just what exactly was her damn talk then anyway, even we already knew all that and we don't even know her and it was nothing new to op that's for sure. Op , l'm sorry but 40 , man she knows damn well this would not be enough for most men and she's giving you just enough crumbs to keep you around in hope.Don't get me wrong of course she likes you a lot maybe even loves you but it's not in the right ways 1
glows Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 2 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: Well, it did go as I thought it would. For the most part I heard everything before but she did change some things up, she went from "sex to me means a commitment" to not meaning that. She said she used a poor way of saying that and what she meant is, sex can complicate things and she doesn't want to complicate this. She also mentioned that she feels some guilt towards herself because after we broke up, she was on this path with "me, myself and I" and it got derailed. Our reunite was not planned, it was due to an unfortunate event in her life (I don't really want to get into details) but that also contributed to her derail. I told her my feelings, how sometimes I feel like I'm just filling a void, being used and being taken advantage of, how she holds all the power and is in charge of this. Reminded her that I never once invited myself over and the only time we ever get together is on her terms. She got pretty upset, not mad but upset that it's making me feel that way and told me that is not how she wants me to feel, and said I do have power in whatever this is. I told her power and an option are different things, and that I have an option to continue this or stop. I asked her, from six months ago to now where is she at. From the time she told me she doesn't want to jump back in a relationship with me but she wants to take it slow and see where things go. At first, she got angry over that question and asked why I had to say "six months ago" like it's been a long time. I just said because it was six months ago, if it was the other day I would of said the other day. We got off topic because she was angry at herself. She calmed down and said she just went on about how good things have been, how she isn't snapping at me or being nasty towards me. How we can have talks like these and be civil and respectful. I told her I agree with all that but that's not what I was getting at. So I asked what side of the fence are you on, are you still on the fence, on the side of no relationship or on the side of building to a relationship. She said she's still on the fence but obviously she still wants to continue this to see where it goes. So I then asked her how is she so sure she doesn't want a relationship with me since we're still doing things that come with a relationship. She said because she doesn't want a relationship right now, with me or anybody else and if I decided to stop whatever this is, she still wouldn't want a relationship. She asked what did I want to do, I told her I really don't want to stop but it feels like we should. Yes, it’s time to let go. I wouldn’t read much into this. She’s explicitly telling you she doesn’t want a relationship so start learning to live a new life without her in it. Deep down I think you’re fearful (as many would be) of the unknown. Once you overcome that you won’t be looking back. 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 3 minutes ago, chillii said: l thought the same , just what exactly was her damn talk then anyway, even we already knew all that and we don't even know her and it was nothing new to op that's for sure. Op , l'm sorry but 40 , man she knows damn well this would not be enough for most men and she's giving you just enough crumbs to keep you around in hope.Don't get me wrong of course she likes you a lot maybe even loves you but it's not in the right ways To be fair, I never got the impression that she was excited about this talk. I just had a feeling I knew the basics of it, and she said "I'm pretty sure you don't". I don't know, I'm just having a hard time with all of this. I part of me really think it's deeper than what she's sharing with me. Look at it in 3rd person, yeah it's simple to see she's just using me but I just find that hard to believe.
vla1120 Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 You are fully within your right to give her an ultimatum. You've been with this woman for over 8 years. If she doesn't know what she wants by now (and I think that's just an excuse to keep you where she wants you), then she may never know what she wants. You've been more than patient and understanding. If I were you, I would tell her either the relationship moves forward, or you will need to cut ties with her and move forward on your own. Don't agree to be friends (as you are now) because nothing will change. You've given her more than enough time to "find" herself. She's being unfair to you. 3
ShyViolet Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 Don't waste your time with someone who is wishy-washy and unsure about you. This only goes on for as long as YOU allow it. 3
serial muse Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) 56 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: To be fair, I never got the impression that she was excited about this talk. I just had a feeling I knew the basics of it, and she said "I'm pretty sure you don't". I don't know, I'm just having a hard time with all of this. I part of me really think it's deeper than what she's sharing with me. Look at it in 3rd person, yeah it's simple to see she's just using me but I just find that hard to believe. There might be something deeper going on, but that honestly doesn't really change things here. After 9 (?) years of this, I think it's pretty clear that this is where she is with this relationship. I know she's in therapy and you may be feeling hopeful that that will lead to a revelation on her part, but it really doesn't seem like that's where this will go. More importantly...you don't need to wait for her to make up her mind. It sounds to me like you're a kind of crutch for her, someone she knows will wait around and be present so she doesn't need to worry about being alone or actually confronting that part of herself. I'm sorry to say something that probably sounds hurtful - this isn't your fault. But I think you've more than earned the chance to choose something better and more loving and more validating and more emotionally fulfilling for yourself than this. You're absolutely right that power and options aren't quite the same thing - and I think that you probably know, deep down, that your best option is to fully walk away now. She's not really going to change, and she's not really going to choose you. Sitting on a fence is a choice. Somewhere else on here there was a thread by a woman who had just started dating a man who found he had cancer and went into treatment. He was also a single father. She put in a lot of time and effort, going to treatment with him, getting deeply involved in his care. But she found herself hurt and frustrated because days might go by where she wouldn't hear from him. And after a little while, he told her that he just knew he wasn't going to be able to be the partner she needed while all this was going on. He knew she was hurt and not getting what she needed, and he knew he couldn't give it to her. He did the upstanding thing, IMO. This woman you've been dating/not dating all this time could learn from that, how not to string people along just to fill her own emotional void. Edited January 27, 2022 by serial muse 2
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Don't waste your time with someone who is wishy-washy and unsure about you. This only goes on for as long as YOU allow it. I wouldn't say she's being wishy-washy, I mean what she is telling me now is the same she's been telling me. She wants to see how and if we could possibly have a relationship again but right now, she doesn't want a relationship and she want's to focus on herself.
ChatroomHero Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 It sounds like she likes you enough to be a placeholder but isn't sold on you enough to be anything more. You fill the void she wants filled within her boundaries and that is good enough for her. It's frustrating for you because she knows when you talk about it, she can't be completely honest because you would probably end it and open up that void for her. So anything you discuss, she is holding something back. You probably sense she is holding back and already know it's probably a show stopper. When she can't disclose the real reason, any explanation on her end or conversation you have will never solve the issue or make it go away. It's like if you were taking someone to a surprise party and tried to explain why you had to take someone else's car and drive a different route or absolutely had to leave at a certain time or you weren't flexible if they said they wanted to do something else than what you told you were doing as a cover story, it wouldn't add up and you'd be straining to explain and the other person would be confused or think something is up. It sounds pretty clearly like you want different things but she won't admit it. To me that would be a signal to move on and end the cycle.
BaileyB Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) 37 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: I wouldn't say she's being wishy-washy She is being wishy washy. The words that she says are consistent - she wants to work on herself when she is not in a relationship. She is on the fence, she doesn’t know when or if she will want to be in a relationship with you. She has no plan, no timeline, and she gets upset when you ask about her plan/her timeline. Her actions are not consistent with her words. People who are not in a relationship don’t kiss, cuddle, and spend time together doing things like boyfriend/girlfriend. IF you are ok with continuing to wait indefinitely for this woman to decide whether she wants to have a relationship with you, continue as you have been. IF you want to be in an actual relationship with a woman who is committed to you, you had best start looking. It’s been eight years, and she doesn’t know if she wants to be in a relationship with you? Most people would not be ok with this. Most people would not be ok with the declining frequency of sex prior to this breakup. There are plenty of women out there would would be interested to date you and enjoy everything there is to enjoy about a relationship - including sex!! It’s up to you to go out there and find one… Edited January 27, 2022 by BaileyB 3
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 4 minutes ago, BaileyB said: She is being wishy washy. The words that she says are consistent - she wants to work on herself when she is not in a relationship. She is on the fence, she doesn’t know when or if she will want to be in a relationship with you. She has no plan, no timeline, and she gets upset when you ask about her plan/her timeline. Her actions are not consistent with her words. People who are not in a relationship don’t kiss, cuddle, and spend time together doing things like boyfriend/girlfriend. IF you are ok with continuing to wait indefinitely for this woman to decide whether she wants to have a relationship with you, continue as you have been. IF you want to be in an actual relationship with a woman who is committed to you, you had best start looking. It’s been eight years, and she doesn’t know if she wants to be in a relationship with you? Most people would not be ok with this. Most people would not be ok with the declining frequency of sex prior to this breakup. There are plenty of women out there would would be interested to date you and enjoy everything there is to enjoy about a relationship - including sex!! It’s up to you to go out there and find one… Well, I'm pretty sure we're done whatever it was. She asked me before I left what I wanted to do, told her that I didn't want to stop but it feels like we should. I left shortly after that without hugging or kissing, we just said bye to each other. She usually sends me a good morning text when she wakes up, not that I was expecting it but we haven't texted since yesterday.
BaileyB Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 I’m sorry. That said, there are good women out there who would love to be in a relationship with you. You may be surprised at just how wonderful it feels to meet someone new and enjoy ALL the benefits of a relationship. Chin up! Good luck! 1
vla1120 Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 19 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: Well, I'm pretty sure we're done whatever it was. She asked me before I left what I wanted to do, told her that I didn't want to stop but it feels like we should. I left shortly after that without hugging or kissing, we just said bye to each other. She usually sends me a good morning text when she wakes up, not that I was expecting it but we haven't texted since yesterday. I'm sorry to hear that. @BaileyB is right. There are plenty of women out there who would welcome a mutually loving and satisfying relationship with you. Take some time for yourself.
dramafreezone Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) It sounds to me that this ex/GF/kind of GF is 100% in control of things here. She broke up, she decided to come back, sounds like you just took her back without hesistation, now she's dictating the terms of the relationship and you're pretty much just going along with it. Nothing is going to change unless you insist that it changes. It's time to stand up for yourself and say this isn't going to work for you. I know you think you're being a gentleman by being ok with not having sex but she knows it's BS, she knows you want sex and you're just going along with her plan. She can't fully respect someone that doesn't make it know what he wants. Now maybe you tell her that things have to change, and she walks (sounds like that's what happened after reading everything), but that's the risk you have to be willing to take to get what you want. This is a relationship it's not just about what she wants. Most women *love* being in relationships with guys they're in love with, so it should tell you something that she's not deliberately purusing that with you. Edited January 27, 2022 by dramafreezone
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) She just sent me a text. Asking "what am I supposed to do here? Give you space, leave you alone? Do I need to make other arrangements for the arrangements we already planed? I'm just confused". I just replied back saying I don't want to do this by text. Edited January 27, 2022 by ItsTheDay 2
vla1120 Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 14 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: She just sent me a text. Asking "what am I supposed to do here? Give you space, leave you alone? Do I need to make other arrangements for the arrangements we already planed? I'm just confused". I just replied back saying I don't want to do this by text. If I were you, I would say we're either a couple or we're not. Right now, you're not, but you would be open to her contacting you when she is ready for a full committed relationship with all the bells and whistles. 1
ShyViolet Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 2 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: Well, I'm pretty sure we're done whatever it was. She asked me before I left what I wanted to do, told her that I didn't want to stop but it feels like we should. I left shortly after that without hugging or kissing, we just said bye to each other. She usually sends me a good morning text when she wakes up, not that I was expecting it but we haven't texted since yesterday. It's for the best. Really. 2
mark clemson Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) Hmm. I can see how the situation is ambiguous enough to be confusing. Maybe she is simply a low sex drive person, but my read is that you are "Plan B", the fallback plan if she cannot find someone else. It feels like you are being strung along and are essentially in the orbiter role/friend zone. This tends to stay that way (particularly when it's the result of a prior relationship). While there's always some hope, chances are not overly good that you "end up with her permanently" and even if you do, it sounds like you and her are on very different pages WRT sexual activity. That doesn't tend to make for a satisfying relationship for the higher drive partner if the difference in interest is substantial. Furthermore, like many orbiters you are set up for a big and unpleasant fall here if, for example, she finds a new love interest while out with this new group of friends you mention. If you are she are not "fully bonded," it's entirely possible she'll swoon over some new guy and you get to watch as she rides off into the sunset with him, leaving you behind entirely or only as an "ex who's still a friend". It doesn't tend to be a fun experience if you really still want to be with that person. That's my read on the situation, FWIW and I think it echoes what many above are saying. I get "really wanting to be with her specifically" but it may not be serving you well in the long term if it doesn't pan out, and IMO there's a substantial chance of that. Edited January 27, 2022 by mark clemson 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 Unfortunately they need to coin a new term for this type of situationship: friends without benefits. 5
Sun Seeker Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 @ItsTheDay She is playing you like a fiddle. Have some self respect and end things for good with her, for your own sake. You made a mistake getting back together in the first place, life lesson #1: never get back with an ex. You are wasting your time and your life in this fake 'relationship'. 4
petee Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 1 hour ago, Sun Seeker said: @ItsTheDay She is playing you like a fiddle. Have some self respect and end things for good with her, for your own sake. You made a mistake getting back together in the first place, life lesson #1: never get back with an ex. You are wasting your time and your life in this fake 'relationship'. OP, you are receiving the very best advice there is, and it’s totally free. What is it you want from this, and why did you come here? If you can answer those questions then maybe more people will offer advice? It may not be the advice you seek, but then something brought you here to get it from the site.
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