Author ItsTheDay Posted January 26, 2022 Author Posted January 26, 2022 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: I’m assuming that what has happened here is that you are no longer compatible in terms of your values and life goals. You seem to be more dedicated to the idea of a committed relationship (you’ve stayed with this woman for more than eight years despite all this breakup drama). She seems to want her freedom. The problem is - you both have feelings for each other, or at least you clearly have feelings for her. And, she clearly doesn’t want to be alone. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship - where she is obligated and accountable to another person - but she also doesn’t want to be alone. As smackie said above, you are spinning your wheels and this is keeping you from finding a relationship with a woman that will bring you what you really want - how much longer are you willing to do that? I don't know. I guess I'll have a better idea after our talk. We texted a moment ago and I mentioned I already have a feeling how this talk is going to go, she said "I'm pretty sure you don't".
BaileyB Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 19 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: I don't know. I guess I'll have a better idea after our talk. We texted a moment ago and I mentioned I already have a feeling how this talk is going to go, she said "I'm pretty sure you don't". Keep us posted!
Versacehottie Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, ItsTheDay said: I don't know. I guess I'll have a better idea after our talk. We texted a moment ago and I mentioned I already have a feeling how this talk is going to go, she said "I'm pretty sure you don't". Why did you say this though? (bolded). There's an element of your overthinking or maybe insecurity for being in a relationship where you are constantly waiting for the validation that you two ARE going to be together or the negative thinking and worry because you are worried that you won't. With some of that seems to come a sense of trying to contain someone that is one foot in and one foot out. The structure of the situation itself (ie being in a relationship disguised as a non-relationship where you are second class citizen and she holds all the power) and most likely part of your own thinking and being insecure. Maybe you have a tendency to be insecure and overthink or maybe this woman brings it out in you. I think you two have reached a point where the pattern is unhealthy for both of you. In one way you said you'll have a better idea after your talk but then you didn't leave the chance for it to be anything but bad with your comment. If she has reservations about being in a relationship with you due to in some part the way you are, this would confirm that you can't let her be who she is, ie you had to fill in the blanks for her. I get it that it's hard for you having spent a year in limbo but this is probably one reason why you shouldn't continue to do that. If she doesn't give you "i want to be with you; ready to try again". I don't think you should continue as you have been doing. Waste of time. good luck Edited January 26, 2022 by Versacehottie 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 26, 2022 Author Posted January 26, 2022 14 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Why did you say this though? (bolded). There's an element of your overthinking or maybe insecurity for being in a relationship where you are constantly waiting for the validation that you two ARE going to be together or the negative thinking and worry because you are worried that you won't. With some of that seems to come a sense of trying to contain someone that is one foot in and one foot out. The structure of the situation itself (ie being in a relationship disguised as a non-relationship where you are second class citizen and she holds all the power) and most likely part of your own thinking and being insecure. Maybe you have a tendency to be insecure and overthink or maybe this woman brings it out in you. I think you two have reached a point where the pattern is unhealthy for both of you. In one way you said you'll have a better idea after your talk but then you didn't leave the chance for it to be anything but bad with your comment. If she has reservations about being in a relationship with you due to in some part the way you are, this would confirm that you can't let her be who she is, ie you had to fill in the blanks for her. I get it that it's hard for you having spent a year in limbo but this is probably one reason why you shouldn't continue to do that. If she doesn't give you "i want to be with you; ready to try again". I don't think you should continue as you have been doing. Waste of time. good luck I said that because I do have a feeling how it's going to go. Not in a good way, not in a bad way but just the way it has been going is all. Unless she has something else to tell me that she's been holding back, she really can't tell me anymore than she already has. I also hardly doubt she would tell me she wants to be with me and she's ready to try again. Like I said, I'm pretty sure it's going to be everything I already know and it's up to me to make a decision if I want to continue this or not.
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 26, 2022 Author Posted January 26, 2022 Just got a text from her asking if I was going to the gym after work, told her I'm not sure. She then says "I am hoping the more time we have together the better".
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 I think you two have run your course and she is having trouble admitting it to herself and to you. It sounds like things between you fizzled a long time ago and that is a big reason why she no longer wanted to have sex with and was snappy with you. She didn't truly want to be there anymore. Add to this new group of younger friends out whooping it up, and you've got a perfect storm for relationship implosion. I'm sorry, OP. 2
ShyViolet Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 You have a lot of patience, putting up with this. I think most people wouldn't. It sounds like she's using you for companionship and comfort while she keeps you in limbo with one foot in and one foot out the door. If you don't want to walk away from this now, you should at least put a limit on how long you are going to let her keep you in limbo like this. For example, you'll stick around for another month, but if things don't change by then, you walk away. 1
glows Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 See what the talk is about then. The pain and agony of this must be eating at you. I cannot fathom what is driving either of you in this but I do hope that the upcoming conversation sheds some light. This is more than six months of no sex after an eight year relationship... I am feeling faint as I read it. What is one more evening? Go into this with respect for the both of you, mutual respect, and most of all desire and respect for yourself to live your life to the fullest. If you both can't be what either of you need or want in each other be kind and let each other go.
Versacehottie Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 2 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: I said that because I do have a feeling how it's going to go. Not in a good way, not in a bad way but just the way it has been going is all. Unless she has something else to tell me that she's been holding back, she really can't tell me anymore than she already has. I also hardly doubt she would tell me she wants to be with me and she's ready to try again. Like I said, I'm pretty sure it's going to be everything I already know and it's up to me to make a decision if I want to continue this or not. I agree that it doesn't look good--and I'm talking about the entire relationship rather than just this upcoming talk. What I notice in what you wrote above is pessimistic thinking....you should check out what sort of thought patterns that is rooted in--might be part of the reason you find yourself in this situation. Not trying to make you feel bad--just correct it if you are willing. Pessimistic thinkers always think that their thought patterns have no bearing on the results they get--and that is patently untrue. I can't see why it's more important to "predict" what will happen and "be right" vs sort of leave a blank slate and potentially be happily surprised. What real purpose does it serve you? Ask yourself. While I think, as I said, the relationship has run its course, you are still in it so why wouldn't you do things that favor a positive outcome? I get that with the long term pattern you two have established the likelihood that it will be more of the same is very high (as I also would guess this too). Can't help but wonder though if your thinking patterns are stifling things overall. And then the question is: IF you've already "know" and are "right" then why hang in there for something that will never work/is not working? It puts you at a disadvantage and the lesser partner at the beginning with negative and "sure" thought patterns like this. The reality is that you hang in there, hoping that there is a shred of a chance that something will be different. So even though you anxiety and overthinking is claiming it's nothing, she won't commit, the reality is you have some shred of hope otherwise you wouldn't be meeting her over this last year. Even in your subsequent post to the one I quoted, you sound a little cheered up and excited...and hopeful. So at least part of the journey you are taking yourself on about "what is she going to do/what does it mean/what is the talk about?" is a journey through your own negative thoughts and may not have bearing on reality UNTIL you set that part in motion with the negative thoughts themselves. Ok, hope I didn't lose you in trying to explain. And while you might resist what I'm saying at this very moment, I do hope you think about it if this sort of stuff keeps happening to you (not talking about breakup, unsuccessful relationship etc specifically---talking about the internal ride you take yourself on and then it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy). *note to add: whatever I'm saying in this post is stuff you can work on. It's not to absolve the other person but you can't change or influence the other person much whereas you can control yourself. I don't think your gf is blameless to be clear. But I do think there is more to the story regarding the dynamic between the two of you and a portion of which you can change or improve. Good luck
Mrin Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 Hey man. I once had a similar situation. Dated a woman for 2 or so years. We broke up. Then rekindled and "dated" again for another year. We were having sex and doing all the couple things like living together 50% of the time but she said she didn't feel safe enough to commit to being in relationship. After 12 months of that we ended it again because honestly, life is too short to spend time with someone who isn't willing to be all in. Sometimes you just have to be the one to walk away. Best of luck! Mrin 2
chillii Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: I said that because I do have a feeling how it's going to go. Not in a good way, not in a bad way but just the way it has been going is all. Unless she has something else to tell me that she's been holding back, she really can't tell me anymore than she already has. I also hardly doubt she would tell me she wants to be with me and she's ready to try again. Like I said, I'm pretty sure it's going to be everything I already know and it's up to me to make a decision if I want to continue this or not. Ahhh, it'll make no difference whatsoever you said that op , she'd probably say the same if it was you. She'll be thinking whatever she is she's had 9yrs with you At any rate , let us know how things go. Edited January 27, 2022 by chillii
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) Well, it did go as I thought it would. For the most part I heard everything before but she did change some things up, she went from "sex to me means a commitment" to not meaning that. She said she used a poor way of saying that and what she meant is, sex can complicate things and she doesn't want to complicate this. She also mentioned that she feels some guilt towards herself because after we broke up, she was on this path with "me, myself and I" and it got derailed. Our reunite was not planned, it was due to an unfortunate event in her life (I don't really want to get into details) but that also contributed to her derail. I told her my feelings, how sometimes I feel like I'm just filling a void, being used and being taken advantage of, how she holds all the power and is in charge of this. Reminded her that I never once invited myself over and the only time we ever get together is on her terms. She got pretty upset, not mad but upset that it's making me feel that way and told me that is not how she wants me to feel, and said I do have power in whatever this is. I told her power and an option are different things, and that I have an option to continue this or stop. I asked her, from six months ago to now where is she at. From the time she told me she doesn't want to jump back in a relationship with me but she wants to take it slow and see where things go. At first, she got angry over that question and asked why I had to say "six months ago" like it's been a long time. I just said because it was six months ago, if it was the other day I would of said the other day. We got off topic because she was angry at herself. She calmed down and said she just went on about how good things have been, how she isn't snapping at me or being nasty towards me. How we can have talks like these and be civil and respectful. I told her I agree with all that but that's not what I was getting at. So I asked what side of the fence are you on, are you still on the fence, on the side of no relationship or on the side of building to a relationship. She said she's still on the fence but obviously she still wants to continue this to see where it goes. So I then asked her how is she so sure she doesn't want a relationship with me since we're still doing things that come with a relationship. She said because she doesn't want a relationship right now, with me or anybody else and if I decided to stop whatever this is, she still wouldn't want a relationship. She asked what did I want to do, I told her I really don't want to stop but it feels like we should. Edited January 27, 2022 by ItsTheDay
Pumpernickel Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 17 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: I already have a feeling how this talk is going to go, she said "I'm pretty sure you don't". And then this – which was totally predictable. Because it's consistent with her recent behavior. 15 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: So I asked what side of the fence are you on, are you still on the fence, on the side of no relationship or on the side of building to a relationship. She said she's still on the fence but obviously she still wants to continue this to see where it goes. So I then asked her how is she so sure she doesn't want a relationship with me since we're still doing things that come with a relationship. She said because she doesn't want a relationship right now, Now you have your answer. This is going nowhere. I am sorry. 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said: Now you have your answer. This is going nowhere. I am sorry. I also mentioned that to her, that I feel like this is going nowhere. She said she doesn't feel that way and if she did feel that way, she would call it off.
chillii Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) Yeah , me to op. But so in other words after 9 yrs really , she still just wants to keep going on like this but still going nowhere basically. l've thought from your first post this just doesn't sit with her and that's why she dumped it the first time but this time won't let it go any further either. After your last post though , sorry man but she's just going to stuff you around forever or until someone she does want a proper relationship with comes along. lf she doesn't feel that way , how exactly does she feel about it then what is it , it's still the same? l think you've gotta make up your own mind in this from here and stop waiting on her. Do you want this half whatever it is thing at your expense, or do you want something real and for filling ? Edited January 27, 2022 by chillii 1
Pumpernickel Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 5 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: I also mentioned that to her, that I feel like this is going nowhere. She said she doesn't feel that way and if she did feel that way, she would call it off. And how long has she been saying exactly that? You two are moving (and talking) in circles.
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said: And how long has she been saying exactly that? You two are moving (and talking) in circles. Well, last night was the first time we actually talked about it. She said it's obvious she sees this going somewhere because if she didn't, she wouldn't want to continue it.
Pumpernickel Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 1 minute ago, chillii said: until someone she does want a relationship with comes along I get the same impression. It's as if she a) doesn't have the guts to call it quits and hopes that you will, or b) wants to keep you around as a safety net until she can monkeybranch over to a new relationship.
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said: I get the same impression. It's as if she a) doesn't have the guts to call it quits and hopes that you will, or b) wants to keep you around as a safety net until she can monkeybranch over to a new relationship. But what if is she honestly means that she doesn't want a relationship? She isn't looking for one and she has no intentions in finding one. She said she doesn't want to date anyone else, has no plans to and is not going to date anyone else. Edited January 27, 2022 by ItsTheDay
Pumpernickel Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 21 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: When I've asked her before why she doesn't feel like she's ready to commit she just says she has things she needs to work on for herself. This is from your OP. She's been saying the same thing all along.
Pumpernickel Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 1 minute ago, ItsTheDay said: But what if is she honestly means that she doesn't want a relationship? She isn't looking for one and she has no intentions in finding one. She said she doesn't want to date anyone else, has no plans to and is not going to date anyone else. Fair enough. But how would that change things for you? It wouldn't. You would be with her as a friend, like you have been. 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said: This is from your OP. She's been saying the same thing all along. Yeah, hence the reason why I said I already had a feeling how it's going to go. I asked her what working on herself looks like, that was around the whole derailed conversation. Her answers to me were irrelevant. It was things like starting to wake up earlier, meal prepping better, making better food choices. Unless it's deeper than that, it didn't make sense to me. 1
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 2 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said: Fair enough. But how would that change things for you? It wouldn't. You would be with her as a friend, like you have been. Doesn't really change anything I guess but, I would at least know I'm not just some safety net.
chillii Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 Nor me , they're pretty simple things op and things couples often do together anyway. How old is she ?
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 Just now, chillii said: Nor me , they're pretty simple things op and things couples often do together anyway. How old is she ? Just under 40.
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