Happy Lemming Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 35 minutes ago, Alpaca said: The driving distance I meant. It's about an hour drive one way. An hour isn't bad at all... I wouldn't even consider a 1 hour drive as a factor when dating someone. Unless you are in a snowy climate where the roads could ice over, there is no reason not to schedule a date or two per week. 1
glows Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 No about this guy. It was a no back then, I didn't reply in your previous thread as it was too vague at the time and only unfolded towards the end what was happening. It is still a no from me. He's not in a good place. Comments about your personality and sounding underhanded, insecure commentary about other men (sounds like an angsty teenager and passive aggressive), seemingly wobbly when planning dates and leaving room for misunderstandings or misinterpretations. Excuses about taking it slow and references to an ex (ALL of which I might add cause more questions than provide any answers as to his behaviour). These things are just not attractive and carry an air of foreboding and negativity. You are a good looking gal with a lot of options but getting stuck with a man who is too lost on himself to be with you at this time. If you have the time and the patience and want to give this about 10% of your time and attention while you pursue other goals, that's ok. If you are looking for someone who wants something more meaningful and long term sans the confusion, he is not the man. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 (edited) This guy sounds ambivalent to me ... and that's always trouble. I believe strongly in not rushing things. But avoiding seeing the other person isn't going slow. That's just avoidance ... that's what we do when our lives are a mess or when we have profoundly, hugely ambivalent feelings about someone. And having ambivalent feelings often just means he's not that into you. Going slow isn't a function of time together. You can hang out a lot and talk and hug and even kiss and go slow ... So he's throwing you a bunch of smoke at you. The different personalities--personalities are always different ... I mean, when people seem similar the differences are less obvious at the start. But I would never say someone's personality was keeping me going slow or keeping me away from them. That's just b.s. That's a red flag. Either he really likes you or he doesn't. If he really likes you, he should be wanting to spend a ton of time with you. His words make no sense. He could be jerking you around or he could just be hopelessly immature and clueless. We come to his man speak--dang my brain says these words came often out of my mouth at some point. Apologies to all who got thrown this load of nonsense. "he hasn't really dated much since his ex" What this means is ,... exactly nothing! A guy could have had three flings with full sex and still say he's "not really dated much." Given his distance--the distance he's keeping--I tend to think he is saying he has dated a lot ... just not very seriously since his ex. Lose this guy. If a guy is interested in you, he doesn't make up reasons to avoid seeing you. If he was genuinely going slow, you would feel pretty dang secure assuming you guys were having a good time with each other. This is not going slow. This is distancing, avoiding, throwing up b.s. and the like. Edited January 26, 2022 by Lotsgoingon 2
Foxhall Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 10 hours ago, Alpaca said: and it had been almost a month since our last date with little to no indication that we would meet again Im sure it has already been mentioned, but this stood out for me, you deserve better than this, more flow and spontaneity , 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) Thank you very much. It's just a few things I'd like to bring up after not seeing each other in a month. He isn't entirely to blame because I was unavailable for a couple weeks and then told him I might be unable to see him for a few days due to school. Upon reflection, that could explain why he casually mentioned a possible date so far in advance. In addition, he lives an hour away and has a VERY physically and psychologically/emotionally demanding job. I believe the ambivalence thing mentioned, as well as some of the other comments made in this thread, are more relevant overall though. But I'll get to some of the other comments later. HL - Sorry to learn about the passing of the woman you dated. It must have been a tremendously difficult time for you. Edited January 27, 2022 by Alpaca 1
amerikajin Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 It seems like it's a lot of work or effort. Relationships are a lot of effort and work, no doubt, but the initial attraction and getting to know and like someone? That should be more natural. 1
Alvi Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) Alpaca, look, you are obviously interested in this guy since you've been talking in several threads about him. You probably feel that there might be some potential since you seem unable to let him go. So, for what it worth, why don't you ask him out and see what he says? That way you don't have to wonder about him few years down the road. If he offers some excuse about being unable to meet without offering an alternative time, there, you are going to have your answer. If he agrees to meet, great, have a good time. Maybe we are all right about him showing little interest in you. Maybe we are all wrong about him. But why don't you take a chance and see what happens??? 40 minutes ago, Alpaca said: He isn't entirely to blame because I was unavailable for a couple weeks and then told him I might be unable to see him for a few days due to school. Upon reflection, that could explain why he casually mentioned a possible date so far in advance. In addition, he lives an hour away and has a VERY physically and psychologically/emotionally demanding job. To be totally fair, you have to keep a momentum going at the very early stages of the dating process. You have to make yourself more available. If you giving out "that" busy vibe, he or she is not going to put much effort into things. And the interest might be lost for the other person. I know, I am mostly done as soon as a guy starts projecting too busy vibe. I've also lost countless potential partners when I was busy with the school, work, parents, etc...I was extremely disappointed when almost every single one of my suitors would fade away after I declined meeting them few times due to me being busy. Now looking back, I should've managed my time a bit better or didn't attempt to date at all. Edited January 27, 2022 by Alvi 1 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Alvi said: Alpaca, look, you are obviously interested in this guy since you've been talking in several threads about him. You probably feel that there might be some potential since you seem unable to let him go. So, for what it worth, why don't you ask him out and see what he says? That way you don't have to wonder about him few years down the road. If he offers some excuse about being unable to meet without offering an alternative time, there, you are going to have your answer. If he agrees to meet, great, have a good time. Maybe we are all right about him showing little interest in you. Maybe we are all wrong about him. But why don't you take a chance and see what happens??? To be totally fair, you have to keep a momentum going at the very early stages of the dating process. You have to make yourself more available. If you giving out "that" busy vibe, he or she is not going to put much effort into things. And the interest might be lost for the other person. I know, I am mostly done as soon as a guy starts projecting too busy vibe. I've also lost countless potential partners when I was busy with the school, work, parents, etc...I was extremely disappointed when almost every single one of my suitors would fade away after I declined meeting them few times due to me being busy. Now looking back, I should've managed my time a bit better or didn't attempt to date at all. Thank you, Alvi. Yes, I do agree that sometimes as soon as you don't keep your momentum going initially that you lose it. I certainly was partially to blame for that as well as some other things. I've been able to put things into perspective by writing this out and reflecting on a few things. It's a tough thing. Initially, there was so much promise. It has certainly been hard for me to let go. Not sure how he felt. But no, I don't plan to contact him at this point in time. Edited January 27, 2022 by Alpaca
Foxhall Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 On 1/26/2022 at 12:08 PM, Alpaca said: The fact that my personality is a bit different from his and that I am "bubbly," were also mentioned. He said he's not used to that type of personality (i.e. bubbly Hes not viewing this in the right way, he should be delighted at meeting someone who can lift him from the brooding mindset, he will be able to spark off you as such and bring him out of his own head, yes it is a pity too from a guy's perspective, you know he does not realise the chance he is missing out on by holding back, From what you replied above, in-fairness the month gap seems to be as much your own doing, so perhaps its too early to move onto the next option just yet, you will have to take the lead though one senses if you want to progress this relationship, or to put it another way he will need you to lead things. 1 1
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 @Alpaca: Sorry if this was asked already but why don't you set up the next date instead of waiting after him? 1 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: @Alpaca: Sorry if this was asked already but why don't you set up the next date instead of waiting after him? Thanks Gaeta. Already, I mentioned when we might meet next. That's when he said about going slow. To which I responded that I don't think we're looking for the same things. I then got a message from him explaining to me "to be patient" and that he "hadn't really thought about us" and that he "hadn't really dated much since his ex." I think we've moved on from that point now. Edited January 27, 2022 by Alpaca
Author Alpacalia Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 6 hours ago, Foxhall said: Hes not viewing this in the right way, he should be delighted at meeting someone who can lift him from the brooding mindset, he will be able to spark off you as such and bring him out of his own head, yes it is a pity too from a guy's perspective, you know he does not realise the chance he is missing out on by holding back, From what you replied above, in-fairness the month gap seems to be as much your own doing, so perhaps its too early to move onto the next option just yet, you will have to take the lead though one senses if you want to progress this relationship, or to put it another way he will need you to lead things. Awe thanks. I agree but I'm not sure I want that role where I have to "lead." 1
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