Thinking about how to proceed since our last date (thoughts appreciated)

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Timshel said:

 

Yikes.

Ending a 'relationship' this way is crass and self involved. I feel sorry for this guy.

We were never in a relationship.

Perhaps you believe that trying to continue talking about things with someone who has clearly indicated that he wants to take things slow while I have no idea when I will see him again while I do not date anyone else while I am not sure if he is out dating someone else while I am otherwise giving him all my attention is okay in your opinion.

Meanwhile, I was the one crying afterward.

Give me a break.

Edited January 19, 2022 by Alpaca

[Timshel]

On 1/17/2022 at 9:41 AM, Alpaca said:

If talking every day, spending weekends together, making threads about him means lukewarm interest in your view then so be it.

 

1 hour ago, Timshel said:

 

Yikes.

Ending a 'relationship' this way is crass and self involved. I feel sorry for this guy.

Ok.

Of course it is fine to end a relationship when you see no future. How a person goes about doing so is indicative of character. Great to read that you are in therapy and taking a break from dating. I'm sure you'll sort yourself out and meet your match.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Timshel said:

Great to read that you are in therapy and taking a break from dating. I'm sure you'll sort yourself out and meet your match.

I'm not sure that was mentioned anywhere in this thread but thank you nonetheless.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, FMW said:

I agree he should be setting up definite dates (date, time, place) at least half the time.  I understand the holidays maybe making that difficult, but we're past that now.  

I suggested our first date. It was in between where he lived and I lived. The dates after that were kind of a mutual thingie. Our last date I invited him out for.

But reflecting back on this, I think some of the mistakes I made was not pacing him more and going a little slower myself.

I probably should have still been open to dating others too.

There are some other things that I wish I had done differently.

And of course how I chose to communicate. I should have spoken to him on the phone at least instead of sending a text. I did explain in the text that I thought that we were looking for different things and that I needed to clear my head a bit. 

 

 

 

Edited January 19, 2022 by Alpaca

[Happy Lemming]

On 1/16/2022 at 9:47 PM, Alpaca said:

The day's activities and the actual day were discussed, but no time was set.

 

On 1/17/2022 at 9:18 PM, Alpaca said:

At the end of the day, I wasn't feeling safe/secure.

 

21 hours ago, Alpaca said:

"Taking it slow" could mean a variety of things. Many times when someone hears that phrase, it may make them question everything. Having heard that, I took some time to consider whether I could accept his timetable while still respecting my own wants and needs.

OK... I'm really confused.  So you and this guy have gone out on 5 dates prior to this planned January function/activity.

Initially, I thought the problem was he didn't set a time to go to this function.  Then you wrote that you weren't feeling safe and secure, at what point did you start to feel this?? After which date did you start to feel this way??  I imagine if you were feeling unsafe after the 1st date, you would not have gone out on a second date, correct??

Then you seem to have some issue with his time table and taking it too slow, did you discuss this with him??  Did you both lay your cards on the table as to what each other's expectations were and when you were expecting certain aspects of the relationship to happen.  Do you think his time table was unreasonable??

What were your expectations going into this??

Can you clear up some of my confusion??  Do you think this guy is/was also confused??

[Alpacalia]

HL - 

We seem to have had a misunderstanding since our last date. About two weeks had passed since our last date. On one morning while chatting back and forth, he made a joke about me being out with another man.

In hindsight, I should have given him assurances that I was not. I failed to do so at that time.

Putting that aside, he said maybe I need another Covid shot or something along those lines. No idea what that means exactly. He also said a few other things I didn't understand.

I said I wasn't sure I understood some of your comments, and that's when the whole "go slow" thing started.

During that evening's conversation, I hinted (which after looking back, I should have been more direct) about when our next date would take place. In response, he mentioned that he was "thinking" about an activity. At that point, I responded a bit negatively (probably out of fear) and he said something to the effect of "well, the venue doesn't open until this or that day." So based on that, I assumed that we would be meeting. The venue had not released actual times at that point, so no time was set. That I understood.

I was still a bit uneasy about what he said earlier. We talked about what taking things slow again meant the next day, and he said that people shouldn't fall too fast in love. I'm not sure if he felt I was falling for him too quickly or the other way around.

Then I kept overthinking everything and I felt like okay maybe he is trying to tell me to slow down and that he wants to still date other women.

Because I had developed feelings at that point, I wasn't able to go along with that if it was what he wanted.

It would have been more direct for me to say, "hey, I like you a lot, I'm not interesting in dating other people, how do you feel about that?"

But, I didn't.

I've never had a "what are we talking about" conversation in a relationship, partly because the guy's actions made it clear that we were a couple.

I believe it was simply a series of miscommunications on our part, and that neither of us was truly prepared for anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I believe it was simply a series of miscommunications on our part, and that neither of us was truly prepared for anything.

If you believe there was some miscommunication and he might have been confused, maybe try one last phone call.

Make some notes and try to straighten it all out.

You did say you were crying at one point, so I do think he means/meant something to you. I really don't see the harm in trying to clear up all of this confusion.  This could be a salvageable situation and it just requires some direct, truthful words to be spoken.

As I've said in other threads, when dealing with men... don't drop hints and expect us to pick up on them.  Tell us exactly what you want, be direct and use small words... nothing ambiguous!!

I've previously told the story of a woman I was dating that was losing her apartment, and wanted to move in with me.  Instead of asking directly, she dropped hints & said that she wanted my assistance looking for a new apartment.  I didn't pick up on these hints (she was dropping) and she eventually dumped me because I didn't invite her to move in (with me).  She and I were very compatible, as she was also nomadic and adventurous.  She was willing to move around with me, (which would have been fun for both of us) but for lack of telling me exactly what she wanted... the relationship dissolved.

[Alpacalia]

The advice is appreciated, but I think I've caused him enough stress with certain things already. Besides, I told him that I needed some time to clear my head, so if I called him now it would only confuse him more. 

[jdesey]

And women complain that men can’t communicate. Stop being so mysterious. Come out and tell him what the hell you’re talking about. Stop making it so hard to date you

[Alpacalia]

On 1/20/2022 at 6:10 PM, jdesey said:

And women complain that men can’t communicate. Stop being so mysterious. Come out and tell him what the hell you’re talking about. Stop making it so hard to date you

It's not my intention to be mysterious.

Guarded? Yes, I own that.

I was in a relationship once with someone that wasn't exactly the best partner for me.

This gentleman's above comment (inferring I was out with another man and that I needed another "covid shot") alarmed me slightly.

That's when things seemed to go sideways.

[Alpacalia]

So, a quick update.

We spoke and the gist of what he said is that he enjoys spending time with me but that he was not thinking about "us" because he felt that that takes more time to know. He also mentioned that he hasn't really been dating much since he broke up with his ex.

After a short time, he texted me, but I decided to leave it at that and said that I will call him later.

That's about it for now folks.

Thanks to everyone for your input on this thread and the other related ones!

 

Edited January 24, 2022 by Alpaca

[Lisa]

Thread closed at OP's request

[Alpacalia]

I have talked a little more with the man I mentioned from my last few threads, but I could use some help.

In a nutshell, we hadn't seen each other for almost a month. However, we do live a bit of distance from each other.

The last time I spoke to him he talked about him not looking ahead toward a "relationship" because he believes that it takes time to figure out.

Although I'm confused with how much he calls, our past dates, flowers he gave me, asking about other men, and more, he has already told me to take it slow and not dive in headfirst, but as others have mentioned, phone calls are not a substitute for in-person, and it had been almost a month since our last date with little to no indication that we would meet again. I think I was more hopeful that our next date would happen after he mentioned it, but we hadn't actually confirmed a time or date. Just the possibility of it.

The fact that my personality is a bit different from his and that I am "bubbly," were also mentioned. He said he's not used to that type of personality (i.e. bubbly). I mean, I do drink too much coffee sometimes. 

Also, if he felt things would take some time to work out, would it not be prudent if we had more in-person dates and did not delay meeting for a whole month? At this point, I'm kind of feeling like I'm being led along, which is what I felt in my last thread.

Regarding his ex, he said that "he really hasn't dated much since he and his ex broke up." I'm not sure when they ended that relationship, but from what I can tell, I think it ended badly. So it makes sense for him not to jump into anything.

Given my affection for him, I'm unsure how to proceed as I try to strike a balance between respecting his desire to go slowly and quashing my own doubts and feelings.

I'm not certain that things will turn out for us, but I think it would be useful to know if there is anything I could have done better in the future.

My communication needs to improve on a few points, like being more direct in the future.

Thanks!

[Weezy1973]

It sounds to me like you're both very much in “protect” mode. It’s tough to establish intimacy without vulnerability, and impossible to be vulnerable when your main focus is not to get hurt. 
 

Generally I very much agree with him that it takes a lot of time to know if someone is a good long term match. That being said, dating tends to follow a pattern of increasing commitment from casual dating to exclusive dating to early relationship to serious long term committed relationship, and while there’s no rule book on how long each stage should take, generally there should be progress and it looks like things with this particular guy have stalled. 
 

One thing is for certain though, things will continue to stall as long as the focus for both of you remains on not getting hurt rather than open, honest, direct (and therefore vulnerable) communication. 

[Sun Seeker]

The initial stages of dating should not be this hard or complicated.

If he was still interested he would be eager to see you, not wait a month.

His comments about wanting to wait, take it slow, not dated much since his last breakup all point to the same thing: he still wants to keep his options open and be able to date others.

You guys are clearly incompatible. Time to cut him off for good and find someone you are a better match with.

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

The initial stages of dating should not be this hard or complicated.

If he was still interested he would be eager to see you, not wait a month.

His comments about wanting to wait, take it slow, not dated much since his last breakup all point to the same thing: he still wants to keep his options open and be able to date others.

You guys are clearly incompatible. Time to cut him off for good and find someone you are a better match with.

That's what I think too.

Just wanted to get some outside opinions.

That's been my gut feeling too when he started bringing up the "were you out with another guy" comments.

Truthfully, I wanted to keep things light at first (of course I didn't tell him this), but he pursued me hard in the beginning, and I think I made myself way too available.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

It sounds to me like you're both very much in “protect” mode. It’s tough to establish intimacy without vulnerability, and impossible to be vulnerable when your main focus is not to get hurt. 
 

Generally I very much agree with him that it takes a lot of time to know if someone is a good long term match. That being said, dating tends to follow a pattern of increasing commitment from casual dating to exclusive dating to early relationship to serious long term committed relationship, and while there’s no rule book on how long each stage should take, generally there should be progress and it looks like things with this particular guy have stalled. 
 

One thing is for certain though, things will continue to stall as long as the focus for both of you remains on not getting hurt rather than open, honest, direct (and therefore vulnerable) communication. 

I agree and that's fine.

To be honest, I wasn't in protect mode until all those comments were made.

I guess it's part of the dating process. I wish he would have come out and said so if he still wanted to keep his options open.

But, I guess it's never that simple with dating.

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

In a nutshell, we hadn't seen each other for almost a month. However, we do live a bit of distance from each other.

 

Just my opinion here, but a month is way too long between dates.  Someone who wants to date/see you will do what is necessary to make a date (in person) happen.

I don't know what you mean by "distance"??  Are you talking 1 hour drive, 4-5 hour drive, 12 hour flight??  Can you provide a frame of reference for this "distance".

I do remember dating this one woman that lived 4-5 hours away (drive).  We would plan our dates every 2 weeks, I'd leave work early, she would make arrangements to accommodate me, etc. etc.  It was a 2 person effort where we both gave up a little to make it happen.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

The fact that my personality is a bit different from his and that I am "bubbly," were also mentioned. He said he's not used to that type of personality (i.e. bubbly). 

What was his point in mentioning this^, was he asking you to change and be less bubbly?  

How did you respond?  

Agree with Sun and Lemming. 

Combined with everything else, big fat NEXT.  

Sorry it didn't work out Alpaca.

 

 

Edited January 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[Johnjohnson2017]

"we do live a bit of distance"

How long is the distance?

Anything more than an hour and a half drive can become a  problem long term. 

I do find it odd that he persued you hard in the beginning just to then tell you that he wants to take it slow. That's a mixed message right there. If he wanted to take it slow, why didn't he start slow.

[FMW]

There's a difference in taking it slow and standing still.  

That being said, I read your earlier threads again and had the following thoughts:

You said in another thread that you had 5 actual dates, and it seems they were spaced about a week apart.  Is that correct?  Then as the holidays got closer the dates stopped.  If that's all correct, then it would seem that things were going along in a reasonable manner for the beginning of a relationship.  The holidays throwing things off isn't that unusual, they often include a lot of family, friend or work functions.  It wouldn't be unreasonable that he wouldn't include someone he had only been dating a month or so.

When plans weren't finalized for the next date that had been discussed, in response to his next contact with you, you responded that you didn't think you were looking for the same thing.  There might have been more context missing, but to me that seemed abrupt and cold.  If it was the same to him, that probably set things back a bit for him as far as making plans with you.  It's not unreasonable for you to want more than he was giving, but since he brought up taking things slow and not diving in, he probably felt you were expecting more than he was able/willing to give.  

He said he hasn't been dating much since he broke up with his ex.  That's a piece of information you should pay attention to.  It says he probably isn't ready.  He does seem preoccupied, whether it's with work or with getting over his past relationship and moving on, or something else.  Right now he's giving you all he's able or willing to give.  His words and actions both bear that out.  He probably really likes you and likes talking to you.  He just isn't ready to progress too quickly.   

Saying something about you dating other guys indicates, to me at least, that he has some sort of insecurity about that.  Maybe his ex cheated on him?  It was your opportunity to tell him you weren't interested in or dating anyone else.  Was there a reason you let it go without comment?  My normal reactions, at least internally, are always kind of rebellious so I get not automatically answering, but I've found it very helpful to try and see the reason for the comment or question.  

There is nothing wrong with you NOT being ok with his pace and moving on from him.  

But if you do want to give things a chance with him, it will be reliant, at least right now, on your willingness to take things on his timetable and let go of your expectations of how things should be progressing. 

  

 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Just my opinion here, but a month is way too long between dates.  Someone who wants to date/see you will do what is necessary to make a date (in person) happen.

I don't know what you mean by "distance"??  Are you talking 1 hour drive, 4-5 hour drive, 12 hour flight??  Can you provide a frame of reference for this "distance".

I do remember dating this one woman that lived 4-5 hours away (drive).  We would plan our dates every 2 weeks, I'd leave work early, she would make arrangements to accommodate me, etc. etc.  It was a 2 person effort where we both gave up a little to make it happen.

The driving distance I meant. It's about an hour drive one way.

Thanks for sharing your story. I have no problem going to him but we've never really discussed that. He kind of always took it upon himself to drive to me.

Why didn't it work out? Because of the drive?

2 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

"we do live a bit of distance"

How long is the distance?

Anything more than an hour and a half drive can become a  problem long term. 

I do find it odd that he persued you hard in the beginning just to then tell you that he wants to take it slow. That's a mixed message right there. If he wanted to take it slow, why didn't he start slow.

Hi, please see my comment above.

Agree on your last point. Yes, mixed signals, for sure. To your last sentence, I honestly don't know?

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

What was his point in mentioning this^, was he asking you to change and be less bubbly?  

How did you respond?  

Agree with Sun and Lemming. 

Combined with everything else, big fat NEXT.  

Sorry it didn't work out Alpaca.

 

 

No, he didn't ask me to change and be less bubbly.

Probably because he wasn't used to it. After a few decades, I'm myself, and if he believes that has much to do with how I express myself or if he dislikes it, then that's on him. That's pretty much what I told him. 

And, thank you! 

1 hour ago, FMW said:

There's a difference in taking it slow and standing still.  

That being said, I read your earlier threads again and had the following thoughts:

You said in another thread that you had 5 actual dates, and it seems they were spaced about a week apart.  Is that correct?  Then as the holidays got closer the dates stopped.  If that's all correct, then it would seem that things were going along in a reasonable manner for the beginning of a relationship.  The holidays throwing things off isn't that unusual, they often include a lot of family, friend or work functions.  It wouldn't be unreasonable that he wouldn't include someone he had only been dating a month or so.

When plans weren't finalized for the next date that had been discussed, in response to his next contact with you, you responded that you didn't think you were looking for the same thing.  There might have been more context missing, but to me that seemed abrupt and cold.  If it was the same to him, that probably set things back a bit for him as far as making plans with you.  It's not unreasonable for you to want more than he was giving, but since he brought up taking things slow and not diving in, he probably felt you were expecting more than he was able/willing to give.  

He said he hasn't been dating much since he broke up with his ex.  That's a piece of information you should pay attention to.  It says he probably isn't ready.  He does seem preoccupied, whether it's with work or with getting over his past relationship and moving on, or something else.  Right now he's giving you all he's able or willing to give.  His words and actions both bear that out.  He probably really likes you and likes talking to you.  He just isn't ready to progress too quickly.   

Saying something about you dating other guys indicates, to me at least, that he has some sort of insecurity about that.  Maybe his ex cheated on him?  It was your opportunity to tell him you weren't interested in or dating anyone else.  Was there a reason you let it go without comment?  My normal reactions, at least internally, are always kind of rebellious so I get not automatically answering, but I've found it very helpful to try and see the reason for the comment or question.  

There is nothing wrong with you NOT being ok with his pace and moving on from him.  

But if you do want to give things a chance with him, it will be reliant, at least right now, on your willingness to take things on his timetable and let go of your expectations of how things should be progressing. 

  

 

Oh FMW, this has really given me a lot to consider.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read through everything and comment (and everyone else too!). 

The initial dates were spread out about a week apart.

Yes, not answering his calls that one night was abrupt and cold. At that point, because of everything he said about wanting to go slow and the "me out with other guys comment" and combined with not seeing each other with no next date actually set in stone my fear got the best of me but I also thought he wanted to slow it down a bit. That's kind of why I said in my message to him that I think that "we're looking for different things" and that's when he later confirmed about "not looking ahead" and that "he hasn't really dated much since his ex" and my "bubbly personality" comment.

Regarding him suggesting that I was dating other guys. I'm not sure if his ex cheated on him or not. It's certainly a possibility. I did view that comment as insecurity on his part. Yes, in hindsight that was my opportunity to say that I wasn't interested in or dating anyone else. I didn't say anything initially because it did kind of catch me off guard but also because my last ex would make similar comments and he ended up kissing another woman when were engaged. He also had issues with retroactive jealousy so when this man said that I was like "oh oh, is that a red flag?"

I think this "dating relationship" is pretty much in the past at this point.

Edited January 26, 2022 by Alpaca

[smackie9]

No worth it. You should be out there happily dating other men, and hopefully meet someone that goes at your pace. Someone that does spend time with you, and wants to see you...not slowing things down with their baggage. 

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

 At this point, I'm kind of feeling like I'm being led along, which is what I felt in my last thread.

Ditto.

I could always be wrong, but I suspect he's holding out hope for reconciliation with this Ex (or possibly simply playing the field) and you are "plan B".

If he doesn't switch to full "we're on" mode after this hiatus, then (IMO) you can basically assume that, whatever might or might not happen between the two of you, the Ex or other person is the actual priority. Presumably that means if they make signs of coming back into his life, then they will take priority over you.

I could always be wrong, but that's my read FWIW. If it was me, I think I'd be taking any good new options more seriously than this one.

[Happy Lemming]

15 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Why didn't it work out? Because of the drive?

Actually, its kind of a sad story.  This woman had been a 2 pack a day smoker for about 25-30 years.  Her smoking didn't bother me, as she was respectful about it and would go outside on her patio to smoke.  I liked sitting out on the patio with her, while she had a cigarette or two. Things were going great, we had our routine down (every two weeks or so) and we were exploring different parts of California (which was something I was very much interested in).  There were no problems in the relationship, whatsoever.  She was beautiful, fun, playful, happy and an all around nice person.

Then one day, she developed a cough... Of course she thought she had a cold, and after trying all the "over the counter" cough syrups, the cough didn't want to go away.  So she went to the doctor, he did some tests and she was diagnosed with (terminal) Stage 4 Lung Cancer.  We did as much traveling/adventuring as we could with the time she had left.  Sadly, she lost her battle with cancer and is no longer with us.