Thinking about how to proceed since our last date (thoughts appreciated)

January 17, 2022

1 minute ago, Kamille said:

It's pretty common, at about the 6th date mark, to discuss the pace of the relationship and talk about exclusivity. It's also pretty normal to not want to rush into anything. Wouldn't you be weary of someone who, after 6 dates, said they knew you were the one?

I'm dating someone, we've agreed to be exclusive and are definitely interested into each other - and still, we both have said and agree that we do not want to rush into anything. We want to go into this relationship with eyes wide open, aka, not blindly, precisely because we like each other and see potential.

I'm not saying that this is the perspective your ex-date had. I do think, however, that you jumped to conclusions by assuming it meant he was rejecting you. I agree with others who state that you could be more direct.

Thank you, Kamille.

Yes, I understand what you mean.

Also, I agree that I have to be a bit more direct.

January 17, 2022

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

In response to your question "I still don't understand what the 'different things' are that you and he may want", I wanted to be exclusive but as mentioned above, he didn't want to "jump into anything," so I took that to mean no. In fairness, I never really expressed any interest in being exclusive to him either (even though I wasn't dating anyone but him).

I personally would not have interpreted not wanting to "jump into anything" as a no, but presumably there are finer nuances as well as your presumably ill past experiences with similar verbiage from other men that was really code for explicit non-commitment. Definitely can relate to being leery of coded one liners.

Your next claim however reads like a missed opportunity on your end. Presumably (again) you are OK with it, and see the abundance in the remaining field of suitors rife with better options. Onward and forward. I hope he doesn't take it too personally and then vents his frustrations on subsequent women in his dating life who can genuinely value what he has to offer and are not hesitant to communicate as much.

January 17, 2022

1 hour ago, czanclus said:

Presumably (again) you are OK with it, and see the abundance in the remaining field of suitors rife with better options.

I suspect it’s the exact opposite. The reason @Alpaca was so driven by fear / anxiety in this case is that she was really attracted to him. It’s odd that for some people they can be really confident and self-assured until there’s a romantic interest they really like and all that goes out the window. This episode just screams to me “fear of getting hurt”.

January 17, 2022

49 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I suspect it’s the exact opposite. The reason @Alpaca was so driven by fear / anxiety in this case is that she was really attracted to him. It’s odd that for some people they can be really confident and self-assured until there’s a romantic interest they really like and all that goes out the window. This episode just screams to me “fear of getting hurt”.

I suspect same and to @Alpacayou acknowledged in your previous thread that you were allowing fear to steer your ship and needed to stop, so why are you allowing it now?

By your own admission, the man had texted and called you several times; why not just talk to the man, communicate, directly and honestly?

You don't appear to be the game-playing type, but I cannot figure what your angle is, unless it's just fear, considering how high your interest is, clearly.

I posted this in your previous thread, but I suspect he is as confused about what's going on as you are.

Edited January 17, 2022 by poppyfields

January 17, 2022

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I suspect it’s the exact opposite. The reason @Alpaca was so driven by fear / anxiety in this case is that she was really attracted to him. It’s odd that for some people they can be really confident and self-assured until there’s a romantic interest they really like and all that goes out the window. This episode just screams to me “fear of getting hurt”.

Yes, I suppose you're correct.

In retrospect, not seeing each other for what would have been a month, there not being a firm next date set and him telling me certain things (that I tried to get clarification on) just made me feel like I was not a priority.

I really don't know how else to explain it.

January 17, 2022

4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, I suppose you're correct.

In retrospect, not seeing each other for what would have been a month, there not being a firm next date set and him telling me certain things (that I tried to get clarification on) just made me feel like I was not a priority.

I really don't know how else to explain it.

In his defense, he may not have felt like he was a priority for you...

This is why you should talk, him also. From what I've read, there have been mixed and double messages from both sides.

Lemming posted "you are not a mind reader" well, neither is he.

Don't let what happened with the guy you dated previously with whom you ended it prematurely and then second guessed your decision (you created a thread about it), happen with this guy too.

Take the risk. If you get hurt, so be, life goes on. And we learn.

A wise man said "In the end, we only regret the chances we don't take."

January 17, 2022

I suppose of my previous relationships, (notwithstanding I am hoping the current one will last)

the one I always felt I could have married, "the one that got away as it were"

the problem was, well she did not know what she wanted and ultimately I failed to make her any clearer on that,

perhaps your suitor has also to find a bit more in that regard.

January 17, 2022

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

In his defense, he may not have felt like he was a priority for you...

This is why you should talk, him also. From what I've read, there have been mixed and double messages from both sides.

Lemming posted "you are not a mind reader" well, neither is he.

Don't let what happened with the guy you dated previously with whom you ended it prematurely and then second guessed your decision (you created a thread about it), happen with this guy too.

Take the risk. If you get hurt, so be, life goes on. And we learn.

A wise man said "In the end, we only regret the chances we don't take."

I've spent a lot of time attempting to see things from both sides of the fence. I had also tried to speak with him beforehand. Maybe it would have been better not to say anything and just wait until the next date, whenever that might be? Perhaps.

It is important to remember that this individual also made remarks under the guise of jokes about me dating other men. You would think that if he was so concerned about the possibility of me dating other men, he would have wanted to be exclusive.

Edited January 17, 2022 by Alpaca

January 17, 2022

I know and agree.

And in a perfect world, everyone would say exactly how they felt whenever they felt it, never hint, or make a joke to cover how vulnerable they felt.

But it doesn't always work that way. Especially when we really like someone and do start feeling vulnerable. This is true for both men and women in my experience.

Perhaps even more so for men despite what society preaches about how men should lead and be our "heroes." Lol

But anyway, it's your call. I think it's worth a conversation. Even if one or both decide to not go forward.

Good luck whatever you decide.

January 18, 2022

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I know and agree.

And in a perfect world, everyone would say exactly how they felt whenever they felt it, never hint, or make a joke to cover how vulnerable they felt.

But it doesn't always work that way. Especially when we really like someone and do start feeling vulnerable. This is true for both men and women in my experience.

Perhaps even more so for men despite what society preaches about how men should lead and be our "heroes." Lol

But anyway, it's your call. I think it's worth a conversation. Even if one or both decide to not go forward.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Thank you.

Yes, there is a lot of preaching about how men must be heroes.

He is a hero in his own right.

Edited January 18, 2022 by Alpaca

January 18, 2022

8 hours ago, czanclus said:

Your next claim however reads like a missed opportunity on your end. Presumably (again) you are OK with it, and see the abundance in the remaining field of suitors rife with better options. Onward and forward. I hope he doesn't take it too personally and then vents his frustrations on subsequent women in his dating life who can genuinely value what he has to offer and are not hesitant to communicate as much.

I think that's an unfair suggestion from you.

I tried to communicate with him beforehand on a few occasions. Albeit, maybe I sucked at it at the time, but I tried.

January 18, 2022

I am not criticizing you in your decision or methods in deciding to end the relationship, we all have our reasons. Block him on your phone.

January 18, 2022

At the end of the day, it's about what type of guy @Alpaca prefers.

If she would prefer a man that is confident and does set the the Date - Time - Place - Activity on the dates she goes on, then that is who she should date.

If she prefers a more passive guy where she contributes to the date planning process, then that is another type of man.

Personally, I learned very early in life that:

"Fortune favors the brave" - Publius Terentius Afer

Edited January 18, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed tag

January 18, 2022

Hey guys/gals,

The actual date planning is not the issue here.

Some of the dates were planned by me and he initiated others.

There's no problem with that.

At the end of the day, I wasn't feeling safe/secure. Perhaps the reasons for that are mine, so if they are then they are my own.

January 18, 2022

53 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

At the end of the day, I wasn't feeling safe/secure. Perhaps the reasons for that are mine, so if they are then they are my own.

Yes exactly. This is what you should be exploring. Why the fear?

January 18, 2022

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes exactly. This is what you should be exploring. Why the fear?

Well, how much time do you have?

So when I was younger, I was pretty much like Dora the Explorer. Unfortunately, that created a few close brushes with death. I almost died in a drowning accident when I tried to go into the deep end of a River. I also fell out of a moving car into the road. And, an ocean wave swept me out to sea once.

So I don’t know, maybe some fear stems from some of those earlier experiences.

I mean, fear manifests itself in different ways and I think once we have those earlier experiences they are kind of built into us physiologically.

Edited January 18, 2022 by Alpaca

January 18, 2022

We don't know what he was thinking and most likely, your gut was right. He wasn't giving you the reassurance you needed.

The early days of dating are nerve wracking. It's really hard to state one's feeling outright, especially when one believes in gendered norms about men having to take the lead in moving relationships forward. It's not clear to me whether this is what was at play for you, or if, instead, you felt anxious and wanted him to take a step to reassure you. When he sent that cautious message, you decided to protect yourself. You did so by acting in a rather passive aggressive way, not taking his calls and then sending him that text. I think that up until that last moment, you were doing good and that this is when your fears got the best of you.

I'm trying to imagine how you could have gone about it differently. Take the call? Tell him in person ( or through call) that you were wondering if you and him were on he same page? In short, have a conversation and best case, get reassurance or worst case, closure if he didn't feel the same way. The latter might have left you feeling hurt, but at least now you would have some clarity.

January 18, 2022

From what I remember, "new" dating over the holidays was always a bit tricky. There's sometimes a big gap in what you might call the "cadence" of contact, dates, interaction, etc, which can throw things off, particularly if they're not well established. That was my experience a couple of times at least. There certainly could be truth to the idea he was considering some other options as well.

Regardless, I think the bottom lines is that if both of you really wanted this relationship to be happening and were investing more time and energy in it now, it wouldn't be fizzling out like it is. C'est la vie...

January 18, 2022

3 hours ago, Kamille said:

We don't know what he was thinking and most likely, your gut was right. He wasn't giving you the reassurance you needed.

The early days of dating are nerve wracking. It's really hard to state one's feeling outright, especially when one believes in gendered norms about men having to take the lead in moving relationships forward. It's not clear to me whether this is what was at play for you, or if, instead, you felt anxious and wanted him to take a step to reassure you. When he sent that cautious message, you decided to protect yourself. You did so by acting in a rather passive aggressive way, not taking his calls and then sending him that text. I think that up until that last moment, you were doing good and that this is when your fears got the best of you.

I'm trying to imagine how you could have gone about it differently. Take the call? Tell him in person ( or through call) that you were wondering if you and him were on he same page? In short, have a conversation and best case, get reassurance or worst case, closure if he didn't feel the same way. The latter might have left you feeling hurt, but at least now you would have some clarity.

Thank you again, Kamille.

Having him reassure me is not his responsibility, but I've got to take appropriate measures to protect myself too, based on the feedback I receive, and try to communicate that as effectively as I can. Earlier, I mentioned that I did this beforehand. He then said he wanted to take it slow, not jump into anything, etc.

"Taking it slow" could mean a variety of things. Many times when someone hears that phrase, it may make them question everything. Having heard that, I took some time to consider whether I could accept his timetable while still respecting my own wants and needs.

Edited January 18, 2022 by Alpaca

January 18, 2022

Taking it slow isn't a bad thing in and of itself. In my own relationship we took things slow, in that we spent plenty of time getting to know each other without having specific expectations, timetables or titles. The thing is that it worked for BOTH of us, for our own reasons. Also, it was never verbalized that we were taking it slow, things just progressed naturally.

But we are both in our 50s, have no plans for marriage and obviously children are not an issue. I will admit there were moments here and there when things felt a little stalled and I felt some frustration, but in recent months he has suddenly more than made up for lost time. He had things that weren't about me that he had to work through, and I was able to give him the time to do that without feeling the need to go into self-protection mode and distance myself.

But I understand your feelings, especially if you have the desire for children or just want to be married soon. You can't be patient and calm forever. There's nothing wrong with cutting it off if you're truly done with it. But it seems that isn't exactly the case since you're still thinking things through and there is still some communication, however unproductive. I would just not want you to miss out on something good because things don't match your expectations about how they should be at the beginning.

Maybe have a conversation with him and tell him that actually verbalizing that he wanted to take things slow kind of put you off. There was no need for him to actually say those words unless you were being pushy, and I'm sure you weren't.

January 18, 2022

Dating is so hard, especially the early stages. The older we get, the less trusting we are. That makes us build a wall and become guarded. Nobody wants a broken heart. I'm sure he is disappointed as well.

January 18, 2022

48 minutes ago, FMW said:

Taking it slow isn't a bad thing in and of itself. In my own relationship we took things slow, in that we spent plenty of time getting to know each other without having specific expectations, timetables or titles. The thing is that it worked for BOTH of us, for our own reasons. Also, it was never verbalized that we were taking it slow, things just progressed naturally.

But we are both in our 50s, have no plans for marriage and obviously children are not an issue. I will admit there were moments here and there when things felt a little stalled and I felt some frustration, but in recent months he has suddenly more than made up for lost time. He had things that weren't about me that he had to work through, and I was able to give him the time to do that without feeling the need to go into self-protection mode and distance myself.

But I understand your feelings, especially if you have the desire for children or just want to be married soon. You can't be patient and calm forever.   There's nothing wrong with cutting it off if you're truly done with it. But it seems that isn't exactly the case since you're still thinking things through and there is still some communication, however unproductive. I would just not want you to miss out on something good because things don't match your expectations about how they should be at the beginning.

Maybe have a conversation with him and tell him that actually verbalizing that he wanted to take things slow kind of put you off. There was no need for him to actually say those words unless you were being pushy, and I'm sure you weren't.

Thanks for this. In hindsight, I probably was a bit pushy.

33 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

Dating is so hard, especially the early stages. The older we get, the less trusting we are. That makes us build a wall and become guarded. Nobody wants a broken heart. I'm sure he is disappointed as well.

Awe, thanks.

Dating is hard, indeed.

Edited January 18, 2022 by Alpaca

January 18, 2022

On 1/17/2022 at 8:41 AM, Happy Lemming said:

An interested male SHOULD set all the parameters for a date. (Day - Time - Place - Activity), he won't say "Let's get together next weekend or we should attend XYZ function". In addition, whether he is picking you up or if you are meeting should be determined.

Fixed it for you. Sadly, many men have not figured this out.

January 18, 2022

I agree he should be setting up definite dates (date, time, place) at least half the time. I understand the holidays maybe making that difficult, but we're past that now.

January 18, 2022

On 1/16/2022 at 11:47 PM, Alpaca said:

So a quick update to this thread:

Whatever the case, ignoring his attempts to contact me further may not have been the best move on my part, but I do believe all things considered, at the time it was the right decision for me.

On 1/17/2022 at 9:41 AM, Alpaca said:

If talking every day, spending weekends together, making threads about him means lukewarm interest in your view then so be it.

Yikes.

Ending a 'relationship' this way is crass and self involved. I feel sorry for this guy.

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