Alpacalia Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 (edited) So a quick update to this thread: Our next date I was supposed to go on never happened. The day's activities and the actual day were discussed, but no time was set. I was out with my aunt when he called several times and left voice messages and texts, which I did not reply back to until the following day. On the following morning, I sent him a message saying that I didn't think we were looking for the same things just based on some things he's said to me. His response: "Exactly what do you mean?". So far, I have not responded. I'm not sure if a response is even necessary at this point. Whatever the case, ignoring his attempts to contact me further may not have been the best move on my part, but I do believe all things considered, at the time it was the right decision for me. Edited January 17, 2022 by Alpaca
Weezy1973 Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 Your communication with him isn’t exactly open and direct. To me it looks like you’re playing games. 7 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 14 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Your communication with him isn’t exactly open and direct. To me it looks like you’re playing games. This is my impression as well. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 What happens when two uninterested or marginally interested people discuss meeting? Nothing. That's just how it goes. That's ok. If anyone can't get past the let's meet stage, then it's best to let it die out. 2 1
Blind-Sided Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 Not the way I would have handled it... but you said... more or less... you aren't interested. 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 17, 2022 Author Posted January 17, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Your communication with him isn’t exactly open and direct. To me it looks like you’re playing games. Well, that's how I felt and had been feeling on the receiving end. Edited January 17, 2022 by Alpaca
Johnjohnson2017 Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 9 hours ago, Alpaca said: So a quick update to this thread: Our next date I was supposed to go on never happened. The day's activities and the actual day were discussed, but no time was set. I was out with my aunt when he called several times and left voice messages and texts, which I did not reply back to until the following day. On the following morning, I sent him a message saying that I didn't think we were looking for the same things just based on some things he's said to me. His response: "Exactly what do you mean?". So far, I have not responded. I'm not sure if a response is even necessary at this point. Whatever the case, ignoring his attempts to contact me further may not have been the best move on my part, but I do believe all things considered, at the time it was the right decision for me. C'est la vie. You were just not into him. Your interest level was lukewarm. You had too many doubts about him, maybe trust issues too. He probably did sense that you were lukewarm when you never answered his calls. You don't owe him an explanation. I'm sure he's pretty disappointed but that happens more often then not when you are single and looking. 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 17, 2022 Author Posted January 17, 2022 6 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said: C'est la vie. You were just not into him. Your interest level was lukewarm. You had too many doubts about him, maybe trust issues too. He probably did sense that you were lukewarm when you never answered his calls. You don't owe him an explanation. I'm sure he's pretty disappointed but that happens more often then not when you are single and looking. If talking every day, spending weekends together, making threads about him means lukewarm interest in your view then so be it.
Johnjohnson2017 Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 1 minute ago, Alpaca said: If talking every day, spending weekends together, making threads about him means lukewarm interest in your view then so be it. Sorry I didnt realize you talked everyday. That's too bad it didn't work out. 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 17, 2022 Author Posted January 17, 2022 48 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said: Sorry I didnt realize you talked everyday. That's too bad it didn't work out. That's OK. Thanks, I appreciate that!
Happy Lemming Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 10 hours ago, Alpaca said: The day's activities and the actual day were discussed, but no time was set. An interested male will set all the parameters for a date. (Day - Time - Place - Activity), he won't say "Let's get together next weekend or we should attend XYZ function". In addition, whether he is picking you up or if you are meeting should be determined. If you say "yes", then its on me to pick up tickets for the activity (if required), print out any maps, information, etc. and try to make sure the date goes smoothly. And you don't wait until the day of... to call. A man should call (not text) on Wednesday evening for a Friday night date and Thursday evening for a Saturday night date. If the next date is discussed, I'll tell her I need to do research and date plan, but will call her on (a certain day) with all the logistics. At the end of the day, he failed to do basic date planning. That is on him. 1 1
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 When they don't make definite plans/pursuing you that's because most likely they are weighing their options. He probably was talking to a few others and see what is more promising. So remember just because a guy texts you everyday, doesn't always mean or should it be taken as him pursuing/chasing you. The proof is in how committed he is in taking you out on dates. 1 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 17, 2022 Author Posted January 17, 2022 1 minute ago, smackie9 said: When they don't make definite plans/pursuing you that's because most likely they are weighing their options. He probably was talking to a few others and see what is more promising. So remember just because a guy texts you everyday, doesn't always mean or should it be taken as him pursuing/chasing you. The proof is in how committed he is in taking you out on dates. I honestly don't see how he would have the time to I mean we were literally on the phone (not texting but actual talking) all the time in between dates. But I suppose you're right. I didn't feel he was committed to our last date so neither was I. 14 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: An interested male will set all the parameters for a date. (Day - Time - Place - Activity), he won't say "Let's get together next weekend or we should attend XYZ function". In addition, whether he is picking you up or if you are meeting should be determined. If you say "yes", then its on me to pick up tickets for the activity (if required), print out any maps, information, etc. and try to make sure the date goes smoothly. And you don't wait until the day of... to call. A man should call (not text) on Wednesday evening for a Friday night date and Thursday evening for a Saturday night date. If the next date is discussed, I'll tell her I need to do research and date plan, but will call her on (a certain day) with all the logistics. At the end of the day, he failed to do basic date planning. That is on him. Thanks HL, I feel that you get where I am coming from.
czanclus Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 He called you several times leaving voicemail and messages, only for you to respond with 'sorry, I don't think we want the same things...', and when he asked you to clarify, you couldn't have bothered with two minutes of text? Do you care at all how people feel when all of a sudden dropped? Some people actually take the goal of meeting a partner seriously. 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 17, 2022 Author Posted January 17, 2022 (edited) 3 minutes ago, czanclus said: He called you several times leaving voicemail and messages, only for you to respond with 'sorry, I don't think we want the same things...', and when he asked you to clarify, you couldn't have bothered with two minutes of text? Do you care at all how people feel when all of a sudden dropped? Some people actually take the goal of meeting a partner seriously. Right but he also said before this transpired that he doesn't want to go into this blindly, that he doesn't want to jump into anything, combined with the time between our last date and what would have been our next date with no actual date/time set. So how would you interpret that? Edited January 17, 2022 by Alpaca
Happy Lemming Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 Just now, Alpaca said: Thanks HL, I feel that you get where I am coming from. You are not a "mind reader". He is the male, it appears he (somewhat) knew your schedule and knew of an activity you both enjoyed. For me, I'm going to do my research, find out if tickets are necessary and gather up all the details for the activity. At that point, I would call and present my plan [3-4 days before the activity] (Date - Time - Place - and this activity), if you agree to the date, then I'll print out maps and information. I'll shove it in my glove box, so I'm prepared for the date. 1
czanclus Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 2 minutes ago, Alpaca said: Right but he also said before this transpired that he doesn't want to go into this blindly, that he doesn't want to jump into anything, combined with the time between our last date and what would have been our next date with no actual date/time set. So how would you interpret that? Sorry if I'm not entirely caught up with the story, but this 'next date' if I understand is neither the first nor the second date you two have had? I don't think a man should be responsible for logistics of a date perpetually. In fact, by third date, he may even expect a woman to put in a little effort and set up specifics. For all we know, he is now disillusioned by the expectations of men in the dating world to do all the leg work for an indefinite sequence of dates lest he be dropped for sub-perfect orchestration. I mean, did it look to you like he was losing interest or deliberately testing you just to test you? I'm just a 'passing villager', but for upkeep of the positive morale in the dating market, let's show that care is not dead and that people, even if not measuring up to ideal standards, still matter. I still don't understand from your story what are the 'different things' that you two arguably want. 2 1
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 How can he set a date/time/place if you don't pick up when he calls. 1 1
Happy Lemming Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 5 minutes ago, Alpaca said: Right but he also said before this transpired that he doesn't want to go into this blindly, that he doesn't want to jump into anything, combined with the time between our last date and what would have been our next date with no actual date/time set. So how would you interpret that? I'd say he is juggling multiple women and you are on the back burner (plan c or even d). Too much time in between dates and too much "wishy - washy" behavior on his part. You were his "Justin Case"... just in case the other women I'm pursuing don't work out, I'll slot you in. 1
central Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 (edited) You agreed to the date, but were too rude to respond to his calls to finalize the arrangements. After several weeks of dating, that's a crappy move. The rest about what else he may be doing or his intentions is just speculation and rationalization to make you feel better about your bad behavior. Edited January 17, 2022 by central 3 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 17, 2022 Author Posted January 17, 2022 (edited) 11 minutes ago, czanclus said: Sorry if I'm not entirely caught up with the story, but this 'next date' if I understand is neither the first nor the second date you two have had? I don't think a man should be responsible for logistics of a date perpetually. In fact, by third date, he may even expect a woman to put in a little effort and set up specifics. For all we know, he is now disillusioned by the expectations of men in the dating world to do all the leg work for an indefinite sequence of dates lest he be dropped for sub-perfect orchestration. I mean, did it look to you like he was losing interest or deliberately testing you just to test you? I'm just a 'passing villager', but for upkeep of the positive morale in the dating market, let's show that care is not dead and that people, even if not measuring up to ideal standards, still matter. I still don't understand from your story what are the 'different things' that you two arguably want. You're fine. This would have been our 6th date. I did put in some effort to plan some of the dates. I have no idea in hindsight whether he was deliberately trying to test me or just losing interest. In response to your question "I still don't understand what the 'different things' are that you and he may want", I wanted to be exclusive but as mentioned above, he didn't want to "jump into anything," so I took that to mean no. In fairness, I never really expressed any interest in being exclusive to him either (even though I wasn't dating anyone but him). Edited January 17, 2022 by Alpaca
Author Alpacalia Posted January 17, 2022 Author Posted January 17, 2022 14 minutes ago, Gaeta said: How can he set a date/time/place if you don't pick up when he calls. No Gaeta. In the weeks before I stopped answering his calls, we discussed the possibility of going on a sixth date. There was never an actual date/time that was set in stone.
Happy Lemming Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 1 minute ago, Alpaca said: This would have been our 6th date. By the 6th date, I'm going to know enough about this person as to whether I want to attempt a relationship or not. It appears he did not, but I don't understand why the continued dating (unless he was keeping you on the back burner - just in case). Personally, I know by the 2nd, 3rd maybe 4th date, that I wish to pursue a relationship with the woman. (sometimes even on the 1st date, I'll know I really like this person and can't wait to see them again). I'm probably not going to ask them out on a 5th or 6th date, if I'm not feeling some type of desire to begin a relationship. 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 17, 2022 Author Posted January 17, 2022 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: By the 6th date, I'm going to know enough about this person as to whether I want to attempt a relationship or not. It appears he did not, but I don't understand why the continued dating (unless he was keeping you on the back burner - just in case). Personally, I know by the 2nd, 3rd maybe 4th date, that I wish to pursue a relationship with the woman. (sometimes even on the 1st date, I'll know I really like this person and can't wait to see them again). I'm probably not going to ask them out on a 5th or 6th date, if I'm not feeling some type of desire to begin a relationship. That's what I was sensing as well. Pig behavior with a lot of pork. lol... Edited January 17, 2022 by Alpaca
Kamille Posted January 17, 2022 Posted January 17, 2022 It's pretty common, at about the 6th date mark, to discuss the pace of the relationship and talk about exclusivity. It's also pretty normal to not want to rush into anything. Wouldn't you be weary of someone who, after 6 dates, said they knew you were the one? I'm dating someone, we've agreed to be exclusive and are definitely interested into each other - and still, we both have said and agree that we do not want to rush into anything. We want to go into this relationship with eyes wide open, aka, not blindly, precisely because we like each other and see potential. I'm not saying that this is the perspective your ex-date had. I do think, however, that you jumped to conclusions by assuming it meant he was rejecting you. I agree with others who state that you could be more direct. 1 1
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