jgolffan96 Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 (edited) I met a girl on a dating app and after going back and forth for 5 days she gave me her phone number. I reached out yesterday, and she finally reached back out to me today. I then followed up and asked her out for a coffee ("No worries! I'm doing great! What do you think about grabbing a coffee sometime this week?" and I have yet to hear anything. 1) Is this the right strategy after getting her phone number, or am I coming off too strong? This has happened on multiple occasions so I don't understand what I may be doing wrong? 2) What should I say now? Edited February 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator New title to reflect merged threads
Alpacalia Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, justasht said: met a girl on a dating app and after going back and forth for 5 days she gave me her phone number. I reached out yesterday, and she finally reached back out to me today. I then followed up and asked her out for a coffee ("No worries! I'm doing great! What do you think about grabbing a coffee sometime this week?" and I have yet to hear anything. There could be a handful of reasons why she’s not responding. She's thinking it over. She's not sure if she likes you enough to go out with you yet. She's preoccupied. She's playing the waiting game. But don’t worry about that part, it’s not terribly interesting. The interesting thing is what’s going on with you. Put aside the thought that you did something wrong. Five days of messaging back and forth sounds like a reasonable amount of time to build rapport. I think a good portion of women will usually exchange numbers or agree to meet in person only when she feels comfortable with you. Whatever the case, roll with it, and I'd say wait a week. Maybe be a bit more specific in the date and give her some options. If she doesn't respond to you a second time, let it go. Edited January 26, 2022 by Alpaca 1
glows Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 Sounds ok. Give her time to write back. Bear in mind some may be window-shopping, so to speak (no intention to meet for various reasons or like the attention from messaging alone). If she doesn’t respond or delays meeting, chat with other women and leave this one. After five days I would most definitely already have met the person or video called if we/one of us was out of town or work schedules didn’t permit. It would not be stuck at texting.
poppyfields Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, justasht said: "No worries! I'm doing great! What do you think about grabbing a coffee sometime this week?" So I gather this^ was in response to her apologizing for not responding sooner and asking how are you? If so, and I'm sure I'll get beaten up for this lol but if I were on the receiving end of that, I might think you were just a tad over eager, a little too enthusiastic I and I know other women as well, like a bit of mystery in these very early stages. Compare what you wrote to this: "I'm dong well, tnx, you free for a quick coffee this week"? A little less eager, lower key. Cooler. Minus the exclamation points. Might have made a difference, maybe not. In any event, I hope she responds but I can tell you whenever I've been interested, I would respond to a direct invite fairly quickly. I'm sure she's read it. So why wait? It takes literally seconds. Course she's not me, so you never know. Good luck. Edited January 26, 2022 by poppyfields
ShyViolet Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 I don't think there was anything wrong with your approach. It all sounds totally normal to me. 3 hours ago, justasht said: 2) What should I say now? When someone doesn't reply to your text, you don't text them again. Now that would be coming on too strong. Them not replying is letting you know they are not interested. Leave them alone. 2
Wiseman2 Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 9 hours ago, justasht said: after going back and forth for 5 days she gave me her phone number. Just ask them to get a drink/coffee directly rather than collecting numbers. Too many lateral moves.
Author jgolffan96 Posted January 26, 2022 Author Posted January 26, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Just ask them to get a drink/coffee directly rather than collecting numbers. Too many lateral moves. @Wiseman2So I thought I should get each person's phone number because I have found that people are less likely to reply through the dating apps than via text. What do you mean by lateral moves? Edited January 26, 2022 by justasht
Author jgolffan96 Posted January 26, 2022 Author Posted January 26, 2022 13 hours ago, Alpaca said: There could be a handful of reasons why she’s not responding. She's thinking it over. She's not sure if she likes you enough to go out with you yet. She's preoccupied. She's playing the waiting game. But don’t worry about that part, it’s not terribly interesting. The interesting thing is what’s going on with you. Put aside the thought that you did something wrong. Five days of messaging back and forth sounds like a reasonable amount of time to build rapport. I think a good portion of women will usually exchange numbers or agree to meet in person only when she feels comfortable with you. Whatever the case, roll with it, and I'd say wait a week. Maybe be a bit more specific in the date and give her some options. If she doesn't respond to you a second time, let it go. @Alpaca @poppyfields I need to clarify that this is the case for two people I met on a dating app. The other person I talked with for 3 days. After getting her number, I sent her a general hello, asked about her weekend, got a response, and then talked about what I was going and said "What do you think about grabbing coffee sometime this week? I was thinking Wednesday night if you're up for it...". I sent that on Sunday and have yet to hear from her. What do you think the texts in a week should be? Should the options be coffee or drinks or dinner? Just want to make sure they are lower key and more chill.
Pumpernickel Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 @justasht– I think your texts are fine. Not too much, not too little, and you are also suggesting a day for a meeting. You did nothing wrong. If they don't reply, it could be all of the above reasons, or they could be nervous (just throwing it out there). Some "online daters" (men and women equally) are really proactive, and can be witty, entertaining & outspoken while they're chatting on the app or via text, but once the other person wants to meet in person, they get nervous and insecure. Maybe they're new to OLD, or have low confidence, or they have some level of anxiety, you name it. To meet in person might scare them. Not your fault. I would NOT send a follow-up text anytime soon. You wait for them to reply, and in the meantime, stay on whatever app you are and keep looking.
poppyfields Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 (edited) 34 minutes ago, smackie9 said: No reply=not interested. Absolutely agree, especially to a direct invite (in this case for coffee). An interested woman does not need to think about it, or is preoccupied (it takes seconds to respond yes or no) and if she's intentionally playing the "waiting game," that's a next, you don't want to go there. I know you said you chatted for five days and she gave you her phone number which suggests interest but something I have learned over the years is that these very very early stages, before you have even met and even after you've met and had a date, are so precarious, someone could lose interest on a dime, over something seemingly minor and trivial. For me, I HAVE lost interest (after initially being interested) over a random text message. No rhyme or reason, maybe he appeared too overly eager (which is why I mentioned that in my previous post) or some other silly reason. It's difficult to even pin point the reason, sometimes we just lose interest, it happens. Try to shake it off and keeping going. Don't overthink it, you'll drive yourself crazy. For a first meet and ideally within the first week (or two if you both have very busy schedules), coffee or drinks at a casual bar is fine. No elaborate dinners or anything like that. Edited January 26, 2022 by poppyfields 1
czanclus Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) On 1/25/2022 at 7:57 PM, Alpaca said: There could be a handful of reasons why she’s not responding. She's thinking it over. She's not sure if she likes you enough to go out with you yet. She's preoccupied. She's playing the waiting game. You did nothing wrong and everything right. Along this proposed 'event space' by Alpaca, I propose the following: 1) Thinking it over ---> she owes you a response in the next two days, else next her. 2) She's not sure if she likes you enough to go out with you yet ---> it is her responsibility to engage you further in evaluating your suitability by continuing the conversations and asking the questions in an efficient and respectful of your time manner that she needs in order to soon thereafter determine if she is comfortable meeting you for a low key date. If this takes longer than a week, next her. 3) She's preoccupied ---> it is her responsibility to let you know as much and clearly communicate interest nonetheless to see you, then upon doing that figure out her schedule and propose at least two reasonable times at which she is available. Failing this move in the next three days, next her. Do not give her the satisfaction, no matter how attractive she seems, of fancying herself worthy of you being happy to wait around until she dignifies you with 10 minutes of conversation let a lone a date. Next. 4) She's playing the waiting game ---> to each their own, but if you suspect this is happening, next her and wish her (internally) a long and hurtfully enlightening period of reassessing her self-importance and acquiring humility. Probably a narcissist lacking self-awareness. Next. Now. Good luck. Edited January 27, 2022 by czanclus 1
Author jgolffan96 Posted January 27, 2022 Author Posted January 27, 2022 On 1/25/2022 at 10:57 PM, glows said: Sounds ok. Give her time to write back. Bear in mind some may be window-shopping, so to speak (no intention to meet for various reasons or like the attention from messaging alone). If she doesn’t respond or delays meeting, chat with other women and leave this one. After five days I would most definitely already have met the person or video called if we/one of us was out of town or work schedules didn’t permit. It would not be stuck at texting. @glows @Alpaca Regarding dating apps in general, how long would you message back and forth in the app before asking for a phone number or asking out on a date? For example, I've been talking with a new match on Hinge and we've each exchanged 9 messages over the course of one day. Because it is only one day, is it too soon to ask her out? In this case, I wouldn't be able to do anything til early next week... Also, I have been getting people's phone numbers then asking people out via text once I get their number. Should I change this approach and ask them out in the app instead?
Wiseman2 Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 1 hour ago, justasht said: we've each exchanged 9 messages over the course of one day. I have been getting people's phone numbers then asking people out via text once I get their number. Should I change this approach and ask them out in the app instead? If you are not asking them out within a few messages/days they may perceive you as a timewaster. Especially collecting numbers. Some women do not like to give out their numbers for a variety of reasons. Be open in your suggestions. Express that you would like to meet for a drink/coffee, what days/time are good for her and then set it up.
Alpacalia Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 1 hour ago, justasht said: @glows @Alpaca Regarding dating apps in general, how long would you message back and forth in the app before asking for a phone number or asking out on a date? For example, I've been talking with a new match on Hinge and we've each exchanged 9 messages over the course of one day. Because it is only one day, is it too soon to ask her out? In this case, I wouldn't be able to do anything til early next week... Also, I have been getting people's phone numbers then asking people out via text once I get their number. Should I change this approach and ask them out in the app instead? I haven't really done dating apps. But in the past, I usually welcomed a bit of rapport first before going on a first date. One man I talked to for a few weeks before we both agreed to meet (the guy from my most recent threads). He kept in touch here and there and I finally suggested that we do something together. I'd say go with @Wiseman2 suggestion, he usually gives pretty good dating advice! 1
dramafreezone Posted January 27, 2022 Posted January 27, 2022 (edited) On 1/25/2022 at 5:02 PM, justasht said: 1) Is this the right strategy after getting her phone number, or am I coming off too strong? This has happened on multiple occasions so I don't understand what I may be doing wrong? Hmm, well it's not easy in general to move a date from the app to real life. That said I would not have asked her if she can meet this week. I don't think that will work with most women that have a minimum level of interest. @poppyfieldssaid it herself, it can come across as too eager or desperate and that's all it takes for her to lose interest. If she's crazy about you, then it may work, she may make time for you, but again most women aren't going to be doing backflips for you right off the bat. Getting from the app to the first date is kinda like walking across a minefield. Chances are that she isn't available this week, so you're inducing a rejection. The way I do it is to ask for her availability, so it's not saying "are you available this week," it's saying "when are you free to meet up? Subtle difference in words but huge difference in meaning. If she gives her availability, THEN decide if that works for you. But if it's too soon and you agree then that can work the same as you offering it too soon. I had a woman recently suggest two days when I asked this question, she said "possibly this friday or next week." Don't take a "possibly," just suggest a time the next week. You have to keep in mind that you're way down the pecking order, she's probably talking to other possibilities that were there before you, so what are the odds that you pick a random day and she has time to meet up with someone that she's about 51% sure she wants to date? It's not personal, it just that you have to build up attraction, and hers for you is at a bare minimum right now. I realize how silly this all sounds but I think it's true nonetheless. With many potential dates you can do everything right and they still ghost because of circumstances beyond your control so manage your expectations. Don't assume a date until she shows up at the venue. Edited January 27, 2022 by dramafreezone
Author jgolffan96 Posted January 30, 2022 Author Posted January 30, 2022 On 1/27/2022 at 11:54 AM, Wiseman2 said: If you are not asking them out within a few messages/days they may perceive you as a timewaster. Especially collecting numbers. Some women do not like to give out their numbers for a variety of reasons. Be open in your suggestions. Express that you would like to meet for a drink/coffee, what days/time are good for her and then set it up. @Wiseman2 Just to clarify, even if it’s only 1 day but a few back and forth messages have been exchanged, it’s okay to ask her out for coffee? In the most recent case, I have had 9 back and forths so I wanted to make sure it’s okay to go ahead and ask her out even though it’s been less than a day. Thanks for all your advice! 1
Author jgolffan96 Posted February 1, 2022 Author Posted February 1, 2022 @Wiseman2 Can you please clarify what you mean by a few messages/days? Can I ask someone out from a dating app if within 1 day we exchange 3 messages to each other or should I wait 3 days?
introverted1 Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 Woman here. When I've done OLD, I prefer to meet sooner rather than later. I do not want to be a pen-pal, nor do I want annoying "good morning," "how was your day?" type texts from someone I don't know. Ideally, there will be a handful of messages on the app, just enough to ascertain that he can write/think clearly, and then a date should be set for a low-key meeting - coffee, a drink, something casual. The request to meet should happen within a day or two, imo, and the actual meeting should happen within a week of making contact, barring extenuating circumstances.
Author jgolffan96 Posted February 1, 2022 Author Posted February 1, 2022 1 hour ago, introverted1 said: Woman here. When I've done OLD, I prefer to meet sooner rather than later. I do not want to be a pen-pal, nor do I want annoying "good morning," "how was your day?" type texts from someone I don't know. Ideally, there will be a handful of messages on the app, just enough to ascertain that he can write/think clearly, and then a date should be set for a low-key meeting - coffee, a drink, something casual. The request to meet should happen within a day or two, imo, and the actual meeting should happen within a week of making contact, barring extenuating circumstances. @introverted1 What about asking for a woman's phone number? Is it best to ask for her phone number after setting a date, and then continuing to message there if necessary, or should I keep all communication in the app until after the date? What are your thoughts about it? I have heard differing opinions..
Author jgolffan96 Posted February 2, 2022 Author Posted February 2, 2022 On 1/25/2022 at 8:57 PM, Alpaca said: There could be a handful of reasons why she’s not responding. She's thinking it over. She's not sure if she likes you enough to go out with you yet. She's preoccupied. She's playing the waiting game. But don’t worry about that part, it’s not terribly interesting. The interesting thing is what’s going on with you. Put aside the thought that you did something wrong. Five days of messaging back and forth sounds like a reasonable amount of time to build rapport. I think a good portion of women will usually exchange numbers or agree to meet in person only when she feels comfortable with you. Whatever the case, roll with it, and I'd say wait a week. Maybe be a bit more specific in the date and give her some options. If she doesn't respond to you a second time, let it go. @Alpaca, so it's been a week for this match and another match where I sent a text a little too early. What would you recommend for a follow-up text to both of these people?
Author jgolffan96 Posted February 2, 2022 Author Posted February 2, 2022 OLD - Asked a girl out and I asked her out for coffee later this week. She said "That sounds like a lot of fun, but unfortunately won't be able to this week". How should I follow-up to this?
basil67 Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 She didn't leave an opening for further discussion, so I'd just delete her and move on.
Happy Lemming Posted February 2, 2022 Posted February 2, 2022 Similar to @basil67 if she didn't offer up an alternative date/time to meet I'd move on. Did she say I need to get my calendar, can I call you back tomorrow with my schedule?? or something along those lines?? 1
Author jgolffan96 Posted February 2, 2022 Author Posted February 2, 2022 2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Similar to @basil67 if she didn't offer up an alternative date/time to meet I'd move on. Did she say I need to get my calendar, can I call you back tomorrow with my schedule?? or something along those lines?? @Happy LemmingNo she didn’t say anything else. It is not even worth offering an alternative date and time? Just trying to understand why.
Recommended Posts