Really good first date, then.

[jgolffan96]

6 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

you can say I can’t date till the 31st, then  set up a date for a day you can get together.

 

what did you do on your date? How long? How much did you talk?

 

never assume you are the only one she’s dating.  You should have some conversation in between dates if you aren’t getting together for like 10+ days after the last date.

1. I did say after the 30th. Should I go ahead and plan something for a certain day the week of the 31st anyway?

2. We went to dinner and then I suggested grabbing ice cream and we went out for ice cream afterward. We met up at 7:30 and we didn't leave til like 10:30 PMish. We talked quite a bit on a variety of different topics. 

3. We texted quite a bit on a daily basis up to the date and now I am wondering what we talk about. I think the how's your day going is probably not best and will get boring really quick. I am just wondering what is too much and what topics are good to text about...

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, justasht said:

One was that she was only dating with the intention of marriage in case that wasn't something I am moving towards and I responded by saying that I am looking to date for the same reason and I appreciated her telling me upfront. 

Ok stay on the radar. What kind of tournament? Will you be out of town?

Yes, tentatively plan something for when you are both free.

Are you both from the same religion/culture? Is dating for marriage the norm in dating for both of you or was this code for her meaning she doesn't want casual dating?

[glows]

She might have forgotten your name by then. Why is it not possible to have a coffee/bubble tea/ice cream date for a short while in a few days? Are you out of town? 

Everyone is a little different with texting. I think saying hello and asking how her day is going every few days is fine. You can also text her to ask if she’s free for a video call at the end of the week if you really truly cannot find any time until after the 30th to meet again.

Edited January 24, 2022 by glows

[jgolffan96]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok stay on the radar. What kind of tournament? Will you be out of town?

Yes, tentatively plan something for when you are both free.

Are you both from the same religion/culture? Is dating for marriage the norm in dating for both of you or was this code for her meaning she doesn't want casual dating?

@glows@Wiseman2It is a golf tournament. I will be out of town this Friday-Sunday.

Yes, we are both Christians, but she is much more involved with Christianity than I am. She does go to church, and I don't because I don't have the time but I don't think it is an issue.

Any thoughts as to what I should plan for the second date? I was thinking coffee at her favorite place but is it weird to have coffee after work? 

the other question is, since I have already texted her and told her I don't think I can do anything til after the 30th, how do I word it so that I don't seem desperate? Could I say something like:

"So how about grabbing a coffee later this week? Just thought the following week is too far away...  "

[Blind-Sided]

Personally... if it was a good date... I wouldn't wait that long.  Since you will be gone next weekend... I would call her and say something like... "I would really like to see you before my tournament.  Are you free Thursday evening?"

Not only does that keep the dates closer... it let her know you are thinking about her. 

[jgolffan96]

1 minute ago, Blind-Sided said:

Personally... if it was a good date... I wouldn't wait that long.  Since you will be gone next weekend... I would call her and say something like... "I would really like to see you before my tournament.  Are you free Thursday evening?"

Not only does that keep the dates closer... it let her know you are thinking about her. 

@Blind-Sided so saying "I would really like to see you before my tournament" is not sounding desperate or needy?

 

Also, what do you think would be a good second date? I was thinking coffee since the first date was dinner (and it's cold in Georgia right now), but I thought there might be better ideas or something I am not thinking of.

[Blind-Sided]

8 minutes ago, justasht said:

@Blind-Sided so saying "I would really like to see you before my tournament" is not sounding desperate or needy?

 

Also, what do you think would be a good second date? I was thinking coffee since the first date was dinner (and it's cold in Georgia right now), but I thought there might be better ideas or something I am not thinking of.

It would only sound needy if you were not getting a positive feeling from her... or if her response was more open ended. Most girls want to be chased a little. (if they are interested)  Also... since you went out last Friday... asking her out for Thursday is honestly a week.  

As far as weather... NO... it's not cold down in Georgia right now.  LOL.  It was at -4 yesterday morning, and have 6" snow in my front yard.  But it warmed up today to get the kids on the bus.  Yep... was 16 F.  But I get it.  If it dips into the 40's.... you guys aren't tempered for it.  I travel(ed) for work.  Was down in Sea Island Feb before last. I was walking around and it was great.  The door man looked like he was dressed for the artic, and standing under a heater.  (it was 45) 

Anyway... date is up to you, and your friend. If she is into coffee... it could be good. Also, it is casual since you may need to get ready for your trip.  AND... you may want to say something like that to her. (So she doesn't think you are boring or cheap)  If that goes well... then let her know you would like to see her after you get back.  The more time you can spend with each other... the better you will connect.  (or find out she isn't for you)   My current GF and I spent 4 days in a row with each other after about 3 weeks of starting to see each other.  AND... because it was one day after the next... the "Dates" turned into some basic household things. (like being in walmart together)  It really helped understand each other, and our likes/dislikes.

[jgolffan96]

1 minute ago, Blind-Sided said:

It would only sound needy if you were not getting a positive feeling from her... or if her response was more open ended. Most girls want to be chased a little. (if they are interested)  Also... since you went out last Friday... asking her out for Thursday is honestly a week.  

As far as weather... NO... it's not cold down in Georgia right now.  LOL.  It was at -4 yesterday morning, and have 6" snow in my front yard.  But it warmed up today to get the kids on the bus.  Yep... was 16 F.  But I get it.  If it dips into the 40's.... you guys aren't tempered for it.  I travel(ed) for work.  Was down in Sea Island Feb before last. I was walking around and it was great.  The door man looked like he was dressed for the artic, and standing under a heater.  (it was 45) 

Anyway... date is up to you, and your friend. If she is into coffee... it could be good. Also, it is casual since you may need to get ready for your trip.  AND... you may want to say something like that to her. (So she doesn't think you are boring or cheap)  If that goes well... then let her know you would like to see her after you get back.  The more time you can spend with each other... the better you will connect.  (or find out she isn't for you)   My current GF and I spent 4 days in a row with each other after about 3 weeks of starting to see each other.  AND... because it was one day after the next... the "Dates" turned into some basic household things. (like being in walmart together)  It really helped understand each other, and our likes/dislikes.

Yeah, we are not tempered for cold weather down here haha (Sea Island is a different deal with it being by the coast). 

 

She mentioned this coffee shop to me via all of our texting before the first date, so I thought it would be a good second date, but I am not sure. She is not that adventurous and is more of a homebody it seems like. Do you have any other ideas?

 

Also, is it okay to text instead of call? What made you suggest a call? Just curious... 

[Blind-Sided]

19 minutes ago, justasht said:

She mentioned this coffee shop to me via all of our texting before the first date, so I thought it would be a good second date, but I am not sure. She is not that adventurous and is more of a homebody it seems like. Do you have any other ideas?

Also, is it okay to text instead of call? What made you suggest a call? Just curious... 

If she mentioned coffee... then that will be perfect.  You can say... "Hey, time is short because of my trip, maybe we can go to the coffee shop you suggested."   That keeps it light... and kind of makes it her choice. (Since she suggested it before)     THEN... for date 3... you can do dinner, or lunch.  (or mini golf, or a movie night since she is a "Homebody")

As far as txt'ing... that's a tough one.  Personally... I like txt's.  I can't always grab the phone. AND... I think most people are ok for a txt to get things moving.  If things are good... you can say... "Great, I'll call on Thursday to make sure even thing is still ok"

[glows]

1 hour ago, justasht said:

@glows@Wiseman2It is a golf tournament. I will be out of town this Friday-Sunday.

Yes, we are both Christians, but she is much more involved with Christianity than I am. She does go to church, and I don't because I don't have the time but I don't think it is an issue.

Any thoughts as to what I should plan for the second date? I was thinking coffee at her favorite place but is it weird to have coffee after work? 

the other question is, since I have already texted her and told her I don't think I can do anything til after the 30th, how do I word it so that I don't seem desperate? Could I say something like:

"So how about grabbing a coffee later this week? Just thought the following week is too far away...  "

No, it is not weird to have coffee after work. The place is a coffee shop. She can order herbal tea or a decaf and have a slice of cake. Coffee the drink is also not exclusively a morning drink. 

Do ask her if meeting at her coffee place is something she wants to do. 

Your text sounds fine. If she likes you just as much she’s going to be happy to see you sooner. If she’s busy do not think of it as the end of the world. Plan for next week to meet again.

 

[smackie9]

Stop over thinking it. She's been agreeable since day one. Ask her out for a coffee before you go on your tournament. And during your tournament send her a few pics of your day that might seem interesting. 

[jgolffan96]

@smackie9 @glows @Blind-Sided she said I was very sweet to think of her and that she had an event with her boss that night or else she would. Should I ask her for Wednesday or should I just wait til I get back?

 

[glows]

2 minutes ago, justasht said:

@smackie9 @glows @Blind-Sided she said I was very sweet to think of her and that she had an event with her boss that night or else she would. Should I ask her for Wednesday or should I just wait til I get back?

 

Plan for next week. If she was free later this week she would have offered an alternative time/day to meet after work. She sounds busy.

Let her know you would like to meet with her at a time that's less busy and offer to touch base on Friday or Saturday before your tournament to plan another date next week. Wish her a good rest of the week and chat soon on Friday. She might reach out first to wish you luck. 

I think you're trying to control this too much in your favour and it's throwing you off. Just roll with it.

[jgolffan96]

@smackie9 @glows@Blind-Sided so I took care of it and she said "sure! unless you're ever close by for lunch or coffee" and followed with "you can always facetime or text me!"

I replied to her "You can always facetime me" text with saying that "You can always facetime or text me too". She replied with only "aww"

Feeling weird with this response and probably regretting it. Was that too clingy/desperate of a text to send? Should I clear anything up?

[jgolffan96]

I went on a great first date last Friday with a girl I met on a dating app. We texted back and forth all week leading up to the date. The day before, she asked me if I go to church anywhere, and I said no. It seems like she forgot that I was a Christian and she then said she didn't want to lead me on, so I stated I was a Christian and although I don't go to Church, I was actively looking to do so (I am actually looking to do so). She went on the date and texted me right after saying she had a great night. She clearly is into me because we extended the date by getting ice cream and from some of her texting.

We made arrangements to reach out to each other on Friday to schedule something for next week, then this afternoon I get a long text from her along the lines of "you are so kind and thoughtful. I think you're incredibly attractive and love getting to know you. I hate texting you this but I know I'm in a season of only pursuing a relationship that has the intention of moving towards marriage. As much as I'd love to see you again and spend time with you I deeply desire someone to be able to lead me closer to Christ! I know that's an unfair expection on you and I don't want to waste your time."

I then followed with "so I have to ask, I am truly looking to move towards marriage so I don't understand how this would be an unfair expectation on me"

She followed with "I don't want to criticize or judge you at all- but you mentioned you didn't actively go to church and I feel like that's important to me if you want to be growing your relationship with God. I feel like it's definitely lead to me putting all these expectations on you that wouldn't be fair or loving"

I followed with I definitely want to grow in my relationship with God. I don't go to church right now but this is something I am actively working on changing. I understand this is important to you, but in my opinion I think there is a lot of potential here and to discount one thing as the reason to move on I think may be a mistake. Don't you think?"

She hearted my above message and followed with "It's definitely not easy. I do feel like I'd be wasting your time"

I followed with "[Name], I do not feel that you are wasting my time. You are an incredibly kind person and I would really like to get to know you more. I think there is a lot of potential here".

I have not heard from her since this text message earlier today.

 

How do I rescue this and convince her that we are not far apart on what we are looking for at all?

[basil67]

I'm sorry it didn't work out, but it's her prerogative to want someone who actively goes to church.  At present, you're actively working on being more Christian, but she wants someone who's already dedicated to his faith.   And while you see potential, she obviously doesn't.  Therefore she's not making a mistake in her choices.  

Also, I don't think you know what you want.  On one hand, you seem over invested in this woman who you barely know, talking about marriage and how you're working to improve your faith and wanting a second chance.  On the other hand, you've just made a new post about another woman you've been talking to.  Now, I don't know much about church going women, but my instinct tells me that they may likely not be into seeing a guy who's also talking to other women.  

 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, justasht said:

She followed with "I don't want to criticize or judge you at all- but you mentioned you didn't actively go to church and I feel like that's important to me if you want to be growing your relationship with God. I feel like it's definitely lead to me putting all these expectations on you that wouldn't be fair or loving"

Don't debate or sell yourself. She's looking for a specific type of Christian man.

Leave her alone. Accept her kind and diplomatic way of bowing out.

[Blind-Sided]

10 hours ago, justasht said:

How do I rescue this and convince her that we are not far apart on what we are looking for at all?

You don't.

She made her choice.  For all you know... she may be using the church thing as a way to save your feelings. (the real reason could be personal) 

With that said... since she is VERY Christian... and you made a comment that you are both Christian.... did you meet on a "Christian" dating site?   If you did... you may want to rethink using it.  If you are not active in your religion... then it may not be a good place to be.  A lot of the people on religion dating sites are looking for others who are deep into whatever religion they are based on. 

I wish you happiness in moving forward. 

[jgolffan96]

@basil67@Wiseman2 Can't I just go to Church this Sunday and fix this problem? Can't I just text her that?

@Blind-Sided, I think it is very unlikely that the reason is anything other than the church thing. We did not meet on a "Christian" dating site"

@basil67, my understanding is that I should talk to multiple people when using dating apps, so I was executing against that plan. I think I am invested in this particular person because she is that good of a person. She is an unbelieveably kind person and we share similar views on a lot of things.  

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, justasht said:

She is an unbelieveably kind person and we share similar views on a lot of things.  

Yes and she was very kind and diplomatic and honest with you. However in her eyes you do not share "similar views".

[Happy Lemming]

Don't change for a woman... If you are happy with your faith and the amount of times you go to a church or pray or whatever, then that is you.  There is no reason to attempt to be something you are not.  As another poster put it... "She wants to make you her 'build a bear'." She'll want to change this about you, then that... get rid of this, obtain that and so on and so forth.  Nope, don't do it... it will only make you resentful.

I remember meeting and dating this Catholic woman and I'm an Atheist.  She dragged me to church one Christmas Eve to try to convince me that God exists, etc. etc.  I told her I can go to a church and enjoy the music, decorations, etc., but that doesn't change who I am or my faith. Or in your case the amount of "faith" you wish to provide to your church/religion.

If she can't accept you for who you are, then move on.

There is a lid for every pot.

 

[Blind-Sided]

5 hours ago, justasht said:

1) Can't I just go to Church this Sunday and fix this problem? Can't I just text her that?

2) I think I am invested in this particular person because she is that good of a person. 

1).... NO !   Going to church once doesn't show someone you are now active.  Not to mention... you aren't doing it for yourself... you are doing it from someone else.... and that's even worse.

2) NO... you are not invested.  You are infatuated.  Have you even met her more than one time? (IRL)  One date is not an "Investment" of any kind. 

Not to sound like an A$$..... but to be honest and blunt... you are heading down the stalker route.  If she said no... then it is NO.  Time to move on.   

[basil67]

5 hours ago, justasht said:

 my understanding is that I should talk to multiple people when using dating apps, so I was executing against that plan. I think I am invested in this particular person because she is that good of a person. She is an unbelieveably kind person and we share similar views on a lot of things.  

There is no should when it comes to dating techniques.  Some people choose to take a scattergun approach and date a few people at a time while others choose to see one person at a time.  But if you choose to date a few people at a time, some of them may take exception to that and decide to not date you any further.   I know that I wouldn't date a guy who was actively emailing or dating others while trying to persuade me that we could have a good relationship, and I do wonder if this Christian woman would share this more conservative approach to dating.

That said, you've only had one date.  You weren't what she was looking for and because she is kind, she ended it kindly.  Promises of change or potential mean nothing when you're dating.  What matters is who you are here and now.

 

 

 

[glows]

19 hours ago, justasht said:

I went on a great first date last Friday with a girl I met on a dating app. We texted back and forth all week leading up to the date. The day before, she asked me if I go to church anywhere, and I said no. It seems like she forgot that I was a Christian and she then said she didn't want to lead me on, so I stated I was a Christian and although I don't go to Church, I was actively looking to do so (I am actually looking to do so). She went on the date and texted me right after saying she had a great night. She clearly is into me because we extended the date by getting ice cream and from some of her texting.

We made arrangements to reach out to each other on Friday to schedule something for next week, then this afternoon I get a long text from her along the lines of "you are so kind and thoughtful. I think you're incredibly attractive and love getting to know you. I hate texting you this but I know I'm in a season of only pursuing a relationship that has the intention of moving towards marriage. As much as I'd love to see you again and spend time with you I deeply desire someone to be able to lead me closer to Christ! I know that's an unfair expection on you and I don't want to waste your time."

I then followed with "so I have to ask, I am truly looking to move towards marriage so I don't understand how this would be an unfair expectation on me"

She followed with "I don't want to criticize or judge you at all- but you mentioned you didn't actively go to church and I feel like that's important to me if you want to be growing your relationship with God. I feel like it's definitely lead to me putting all these expectations on you that wouldn't be fair or loving"

I followed with I definitely want to grow in my relationship with God. I don't go to church right now but this is something I am actively working on changing. I understand this is important to you, but in my opinion I think there is a lot of potential here and to discount one thing as the reason to move on I think may be a mistake. Don't you think?"

She hearted my above message and followed with "It's definitely not easy. I do feel like I'd be wasting your time"

I followed with "[Name], I do not feel that you are wasting my time. You are an incredibly kind person and I would really like to get to know you more. I think there is a lot of potential here".

I have not heard from her since this text message earlier today.

 

How do I rescue this and convince her that we are not far apart on what we are looking for at all?

I'm also sorry it's not working out. She is letting you down extraordinarily gently but it doesn't seem to be getting through to you. Don't try to convince her as that will be more reason that you are not compatible. What she's trying to tell you is that she wants to be with someone more established in his faith and has his own church community. You aren't that kind of man. Or, you're not there yet. Whether you believe or not is another matter. She may see you wanting to join a church but not having done so already as trying to be more like her or to suit her. 

I know a couple who met somewhat along the same path as you and this woman. The woman coming from a staunch believer background and the man only just starting to attend meetings and worship. Fast forward 50 or so years later of marriage and both finding their own faith, he is just as strong in his faith as she is. Had she never given him that chance they would have missed out on a lifetime of love and shared faith together.

I think if she was as openhearted and called to worship/faith as she says she is she might have given you a chance but she's just not into you and is maybe too young or naive to put it or explain it any other way to you. Her insecurity with her faith is her own issue. OP, you really ought to be with someone who appreciates you the way you are instead of having to jump through hoops.