I cheated on my wife is there a chance I can ever get her back. I love her.

[Lotsgoingon]

This is definitely Madonna-Whore splitting: The only woman I have felt was worthy of all respect.

I could say I know 50 women worthy of respect.  But that would be dumb, because I don't have a split between "worthy of respect" and "not worthy of respect." Everyone is worthy of respect in my view and those who seem dangerous, I just steer clear of. And I'm aware that although someone isn't for me, that doesn't mean they are bad or not worthy of respect. I don't even know what "worthy of respect" means. Everyone in my view is worthy of respect until proven otherwise. And certainly every woman I've dated is worthy of respect even if they had their profound flaws. 

You mention you respected your wife for "how she carried herself." What does that mean?  She wears great clothes? Classy clothes? Modest clothes? She has good posture? She's distant and a little aloof? Or very warm and friendly? What could that possibly mean?!!! This is some immature projection in your head based on judging women by some sexist,  bizarre and immature standard that has zero connection with the way human beings really are. .  

And just for the record, our early impression of how someone "carries themselves" is often way way wrong. It's just a quick first impression. And even if that impression lingers, it still means nothing. I know sloppy people and goofy people and people with mismatched clothes and awkward bodies and bad posture--they're all worthy of respect. 

Your whole framework in looking at women (and maybe men and women) is just disconnected from any serious reality. What you need to do in therapy is get in touch with the way your wife triggered some fantasy-projection in your head. That happens to many of us, but as we go through life we drop that kind of simplistic division of the world. 

 

Edited February 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Italian Muse]

Counseling has been very beneficial. I had the opportunity to spend a couple days with my wife and our baby at our families cabin, by a beautiful lake. We had long conversations.  She let me speak. I poured out my heart to her and she did the same. I can finally say I know exactly what she wants. I know I have destroyed her, broken her heart. Depleted all trust she has in me,  I vowed to spend the rest of my life making it up to her. She made me fall even more in love with her. I realized even more what I lost.  Annnnd.... she still wants a divorce.  [ ] 

I feel used. She agreed to spend this time with me. We were on the same page. She claims she loves me but she can't continue in our marriage.  But she drank for the first time since having our son and she let me make love to her which has probably resulted in our second child (if it went my way I'll be a Dad again in nine months!) She is now saying she made a mistake.  She is disappointed in herself for allowing this to happen.  She says she loves me, but cant be with me. She wants a divorce and to attend CoParent counseling. She wants to work on being friends. She claims she cannot go on feeling the pain she does. She needed this little vacation to start her healing process?! [ ] 

 I  always said I would give her what she needs. I am sick in love with her. I've been going absolutely crazy since we returned from this trip. I feel a thousand times worse. 

My feelings are all over the damn place. I  want her to heal. I want counseling for is to be better for our son. But I don't understand how she could sleep with me. Then just switch. I  feel quite bitter.  I hope she ends up pregnant again.  I refuse to sign divorce papers if she is. She's wrong for going about this the way she is. I may seem selfish.  I dont know. I have rights to feel the way that I do. 

I've been getting counseling,  giving her space, being a great Dad,and she throws me a curve ball.  Not fair. 

 

Edited February 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
langauge

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Italian Muse said:

she still wants a divorce. She claims she loves me but she can't continue in our marriage.   She says she loves me, but cant be with me. She wants a divorce and to attend CoParent counseling.

Attending co-parenting counseling is a good idea.

[Allupinnit]

She probably needed to see how she really felt to be around you again, and sex after an affair is common and called "trauma bonding."  

I find it interesting also that you're using the word "fair" where her actions are concerned.

You think you can check a bunch of boxes and when she doesn't acquiesce, you get angry.  

You have entitlement issues which is also behind why you slept with her best friend.  You felt entitled to it, on some level.

[NuevoYorko]

On 2/1/2022 at 8:17 AM, mark clemson said:

Okay. I think IF she were out looking to genuinely romantically bond/start relationships with new men, that would suggest to me she had been thinking about that option for a while. "Rebounding" very soon after a Dday in a LT marriage seems off to me (at least in the sense that the option of looking for new partners must have been something the person had at least been thinking about for a while).  But as noted that doesn't appear to be the case + the emotional support aspect indeed makes sense.

I don't understand why the dating, or not dating behaviors of the OP's wife are even pertinent in this discussion.  

[Pumpernickel]

3 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I feel used. She agreed to spend this time with me. We were on the same page. She claims she loves me but she can't continue in our marriage.  But she drank for the first time since having our son and she let me make love to her which has probably resulted in our second child (if it went my way I'll be a Dad again in nine months!) She is now saying she made a mistake.  She is disappointed in herself for allowing this to happen.  She says she loves me, but cant be with me. She wants a divorce

I don’t blame her. 
Best case scenario: She just wanted to give it a last chance. Nothing wrong with that. Honestly - most women wouldn’t waste their time to go to a cabin with you after what you put them through, in order to talk things through, and the fact that she “gave” you sex doesn’t mean anything. She probably feels like you broke the vows, feels like you damaged the M, and broke your family, and now she’s free to do whatever. Sleep with you, not sleep with you, sleep with other guys, date them, not date them ……. The world is her oyster! 
She says she loves you but does not want to be with you? Well, yes, that’s quite understandable. The trust is no longer there, and she is afraid to place her trust in you. I mean - would you, if the roles were reversed? I have nothing but compassion & admiration for your wife. She seems to be a strong woman.
 

[ ] 
 

 

Edited February 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reference to an unrelated poster

[Italian Muse]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

She probably needed to see how she really felt to be around you again, and sex after an affair is common and called "trauma bonding."  

I find it interesting also that you're using the word "fair" where her actions are concerned.

You think you can check a bunch of boxes and when she doesn't acquiesce, you get angry.  

You have entitlement issues which is also behind why you slept with her best friend.  You felt entitled to it, on some level.

I dont  feel entitled. I wouldn't call me making love to my wife Trauma Bonding. I love her. I am not angry with her because I didn't get it my way. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't understand why the dating, or not dating behaviors of the OP's wife are even pertinent in this discussion.  

Fair enough. I explained myself sufficiently above about the implications of her moving on rapidly, etc, so if you're not seeing it, you're not seeing it.

In this particular case it doesn't seem to be what she's doing anyhow according to the OP. That's exactly what I also acknowledged at the end of my prior posts.

On 2/1/2022 at 9:12 AM, mark clemson said:

BUT it's apparently not relevant to OP's specific situation anyhow.

[basil67]

@Italian Muse yes, you have every right to feel your feelings.  However feelings aren't always logical.   You're complaining that it's "not fair' that your estranged wife spent time with you  and had sex with you, but if you want to compare bad behaviour, your choices which led to this estrangement are far worse than what she's done.

Unless the laws where you live state otherwise, she can still seek a divorce without your consent.   She may not be pregnant from the sex that was had, but if she is, there are solutions to that.   Or if she has a child, at best you'll get part time custody.

Get the co-parenting counselling happening. This is a very wise choice.

[Lydia65]

This is a long story. I had to find a forum to get this off my chest. I have to make a life changing choice because of my actions my fiancee's Ex is being harmed. Please hear me out. Please dont judge me I know I am a monster and I am second guessing everything.  

Ok. I had a affair with my close friends husband. I was his secretary and he and I over time fell in love. We never acted on anything for a long time, then one night when my sister was out of town we did. We were having sex for 11 months before my now fiance. Needless to say it tore our families apart. My Fiancee was devastated,  he hated the lies and cheating but we were hopelessly in love. He was so confused because he was still in love with her, he was happy with her. She was a wonderful wife. She was a wonderful friend. No matter how hard we tried to stop, we couldn't.  We were in love! They have a 8 year old son (who was 4 then.)I dont have kids. When he left her for me, it was a rough time.  He and I hit some hard times. My fiancee was struggling,  breaking up his home. Conflicted by his love for her. He was constantly running to her aid, I admit I was jealous because he seemed to break his neck to be around her. He was often distant.  He admitted to me he was still in love with her. 

A few years have past, and I made an effort to make peace with her again  for the little boy. She and I are not friends but we are amicable because we have the boy 1/2 the time. 

She met a man a year ago. I noticed she often had bruises and scratches. She was very aloof? I was her best friend for years, I KNOW her. She's hurting. Her son would tell us her boyfriend would break things and scream at her. My fiance wanted to run to her side and save her, but I became jealous and angry. I  told him to stay out of her business.  He did, for a while, but his son came home early one weekend, upset. He said his Mom was pushed down the stairs and her boyfriend was kicking her with his workboots on in her back.

I am a nurse at a Hospital and I found out that she was brought in to the ER. But lied that she fell from a ladder. She had fractures and internal bleeding.  I let this go. 

A month later again the little guy calls his Dad saying Mom is going to the ER and he needs picked up. 

a few weeks again,  she calls, as my fiance and I are on our way to dinner. She's on speaker and she tells my fiance she she's feeling ill she wants to quarantine.  We go pick him up and she is a mess. She looks thin and she has claw Mark's on her neck. Her lip looks busted. I noticed her arms have deep purple bruises.  I went to work and I looked into her file. She has been admitted several times. Falls and accidents.  I just felt a sharp pain. Because I  knew she was being abused.  Beaten. I found out she was admitted because she had Covid. But her boyfriend refused to let her go to the hospital and beat her for contracting it. This was over the Holidays, so she missed Christmas because she was in the hospital, not because she had Covid, but she was beaten so badly. They found out due to that beating she had Covid. 

my Finacee is still in love with her, I think he would leave me for her if he had the choice.  I  haven't told him what I know. 

But I think I need to tell him this. This is why I am looking for advice or suggestions. 

Last night I was on my rounds. I saw that she was rushed in due to an automobile accident.  We had a terrible snowstorm and I thought it was a cause. But I knew better. I should have been reporting everything to the Domestic Violence hotline and I should have let my fiance intervene. 

I found out that she was in a accident because she crashed her car on ice because she went unconscious behind the wheel, she was driving herself to the hospital after her disgusting boyfriend beat her and kicked her so badly is severed her liver, and he hit her in the stomach with a 10 pound weight in the stomach causing her to have a miscarriage,  he accused her of being pregnant by my fiancee, her Ex husband.  Saying he found out they have been seeing each other.  NOT TRUE!!! 

She's in such bad shape. She been put into a induced coma to reduce brain swelling.  

I haven't told my fiancee anything.  He sent me a text saying she was supposed to pick up their son and she isn't answering his text or calls and noone is home. He's literally looking for her. He sounded frantic. He says He feels something is wrong. He said he feels sick because he is the reason she is in the position she's in. 

He says he is feeling a lot of guilt about his son always being scared to visit her and she seems to be missing her time with him. 

All the while I know she's here in the ICU in a Coma because her boyfriend beat her baby out of her Thursday night and she crashed her car into a tree fleeing to the ER. 

I destroy her life. I had an affair and broke up her home. If I had not done this.  She would still be married to a man who was so good and gentle with her. She had a good life and I destroyed it.

If she dies. I am blood guilty no? I am selfish. I should be telling my fiance but I didnt pr haven't because I know he will run to her. I feel he regrets me and wishes he never left her.  I know I am a monster. All day. I have been sick, I cannot even look myself in the mirror. 

I am the other woman. Is this mu Karma. I dont know what to do. This is my fault. She was my best friend for many years.  I dont know if I can go through with marriage to her Ex husband.  I just feel Shame and disgust and self loathing right now. I never felt it before.  I felt bad but I said I was in love and that justified it. 

But this. I need help. I need people to set me straight.  I can't deal with this. My best friend or Ex best friend has been suffering domestic violence because of me. She has been silent because she has noone to tell. Because the person she would have confided in betrayed her by stealing her husband. 

Is this even forgivable? If so How do you start? I am a monster I cannot believe this is my life. 

please help me out here. What should I tell my fiancee? He thinks she's not being a good Mom and skipping her visits with their son. My God. I am so ashamed. Please Help. 

Edited February 6, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[HowToQuit]

You picked the wrong reason you should feel ashamed about. Homewrecker or not, the fact that you are nurse who knows that a woman is being abused and does nothing about it for selfish reasons is the main reason you should feel despicable…. This is simply horrible. 

[BaileyB]

36 minutes ago, Lydia65 said:

I am a nurse at a Hospital and I found out that she was brought in to the ER. But lied that she fell from a ladder. She had fractures and internal bleeding.  I let this go. 

Last night I was on my rounds. I saw that she was rushed in due to an automobile accident. I found out that she was in a accident because she crashed her car on ice because she went unconscious behind the wheel, she was driving herself to the hospital after her boyfriend beat her and kicked her so badly is severed her liver, and he hit her in the stomach with a 10 pound weight in the stomach causing her to have a miscarriage, 

How did you get this information? Because, unless she personally told you this - it is a privacy breach and you could lose your license.

I’m sorry, having read your story my only concern is for this woman and her child. This is a terrible story. 

You can contact the police and if there is enough evidence or she files charges, he will be charged with assault. The child will be removed from the home if he is at risk… But, that’s about all you can do. 

Edited February 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[Estes]

Yes you oughta make your fiancee aware that the mother of his child is in a coma in the ER.

Seems like a no brainer.

Maybe the baby WAS your fiancee's after all. You know what they say, if they cheat with you, they'll cheat ON you.

Edited February 6, 2022 by Estes

[BaileyB]

Would not the police already be investigating the accident? Or, hospital staff would be required to contact the police given the extent of the injury? Honestly, this whole post makes no sense. 

[Estes]

22 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Honestly, this whole post makes no sense. 

How about her being able to drive (at least part of the way) to the hospital with a lacerated liver after being kicked and hit in the abdomen with a 10 lb dumbbell hard enough to cause a miscarriage? And how the Op found out about this (and from whom) given that the poor woman was unconscious prior to crashing the car and then put in a coma. How did anyone know she ""crashed her car on ice" (not clear exactly what that means anyway) if it happened AFTER she was unconscious? Or was it a tree as stated later in the story?

Op is a secretary and yet 4 years later she's making rounds in a hospital as an ER nurse...

 

Edited February 6, 2022 by Estes

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Lydia65 said:

 I had a affair with my close friends husband. I was his secretary and he and I over time fell in love. We never acted on anything for a long time, then one night when my sister was out of town we did.

 

[Estes]

Sounds like it was originally supposed to be the sister that was betrayed.

I guess we can go out on a limb here and say that our siblings can be our closest friends.

 

 

 

[Lydia65]

58 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How did you get this information? Because, unless she personally told you this - it is a privacy breach and you could lose your license.

I’m sorry, having read your story my only concern is for this woman and her child. This is a terrible story. 

You can contact the police and if there is enough evidence or she files charges, he will be charged with assault. The child will be removed from the home if he is at risk… But, that’s about all you can do. 

I work in critical care units. I have access to all patients. I was actually assigned to her once and asked to switch. I couldn't face her. I am.a mandated reporter and her son lives with his father and I most of the time. She takes him on the weekends.  Everytime I think things escalates she calls for him to come home. Or he will call. He says he hears arguments and just a couple days ago he told his Dad he thought he heard him hit her. But he hasn't been back since. 

I am going to make sure she will not return to the home. I have contacted DV shelters since writing this post. Sadly due to Covid. Nothing is available.  

[Lydia65]

12 minutes ago, Estes said:

Sounds like it was originally supposed to be the sister that was betrayed.

I guess we can go out on a limb here and say that our siblings can be our closest friends.

 

 

 

She was like my sister. We were friends since the age of 4. Our parents were friends that's how she and I met. I do or Did call her Sis growing up. Most people do no?

[Lydia65]

33 minutes ago, Estes said:

How about her being able to drive (at least part of the way) to the hospital with a lacerated liver after being kicked and hit in the abdomen with a 10 lb dumbbell hard enough to cause a miscarriage? And how the Op found out about this (and from whom) given that the poor woman was unconscious prior to crashing the car and then put in a coma. How did anyone know she ""crashed her car on ice" (not clear exactly what that means anyway) if it happened AFTER she was unconscious? Or was it a tree as stated later in the story?

Op is a secretary and yet 4 years later she's making rounds in a hospital as an ER nurse...

 

A lacerated liver isn't fatal.  It doesn't disable a person. I've worked as a secretary while in Nursing school and in IT Nursing as well in Administration for the D.O.N. 

Accident report tells the car obviously crashed in a icy area. Considering we have 3inches of ice and two ft. Of snow. It's not rocket science why most of the crash victims are here today. 

Again if you can read and comprehend. I was a secretary for him 4 yrs ago. 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Lydia65 said:

I work in critical care units. I have access to all patients. I was actually assigned to her once and asked to switch. I couldn't face her.

No, it’s very inappropriate for you to be responsible for her care. It’s a conflict of interest. It’s not that you “couldn’t face her.”

I have access to many medical records - I don’t access them unless required. If you are not responsible for her care, you have no business being in her record or knowing her personal health information. You should not be reading the accident report. Why would that even be on her chart anyway?

And if you are a mandated reporter and you are aware the child is being raised in a home with a violent man - you should have called CPS a very, very long time ago… Mandated reporter - or not.

Edited February 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Lydia65 said:

A lacerated liver isn't fatal. 

It certainly can be - depending on the severity of the injury. 

Edited February 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lydia65]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It certainly can be - depending on the severity of the injury. 

So can a paper cut. But as a CCRN I have seen this often from accident victims to athletes,  most people survive. 

People have driven themselves to our front door riddled with bullets. You can definitely tell when a person is in and out of conciousness. Vitals Check. 

[Lydia65]

54 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Would not the police already be investigating the accident? Or, hospital staff would be required to contact the police given the extent of the injury? Honestly, this whole post makes no sense. 

The police are definitely involved.  That isn't what I'm talking about. I am talking about myself getting involved with contacting Domestic Violence outreach for her. I'm going on the assumption of her injuries. She's getting beaten. Until she consents to me to help her. I can't. I  feel guilt because I want to but, again I feel who am I to insist help when I feel I'm the reason she's going through this. 

[Estes]

How it was determined that she was unconscious before she crashed the car?

You were very specific in your first post:

 

1 hour ago, Lydia65 said:

I found out that she was in a accident because she crashed her car on ice because she went unconscious behind the wheel

 

Edited February 6, 2022 by Estes