I cheated on my wife is there a chance I can ever get her back. I love her.

[Estes]

How about a teddy bear and flowers from the hospital gift shop?

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, Lydia65 said:

Maybe. She's not a person who holds hatred in her heart. Its been years and we have come around  some. We have done this for the little boy. I feel I need to do something for him. To help his Mom. Not due to my selfish reasons.  

It’s only been four years and clearly, her life has not changed for the better. 

I feel badly for her. You betrayed her trust then and now, here you are - privy to her personal health information - during another difficult time in her life. For what it’s worth, I think you have a real problem respecting boundaries. If I was this woman, I would just want you to respect my privacy.

Again, let the police and the social workers do their jobs. 

Edited February 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lydia65]

4 minutes ago, Estes said:

How about a teddy bear and flowers from the hospital gift shop?

I would certainly do better than that. I dont expect to receive praise here. I said upfront,  I'm a homewrecker. I stole my sisters husband! I admit I feel everything she's going through is because I made a terrible choice and justified it weakly. I just want to know what someone in my shoes can do to help her. Not being self righteous. I just want to I dont know. Do better by her. 

[Lydia65]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s only been four years and clearly, her life has not changed for the better. 

I feel badly for her. You betrayed her trust then and now, here you are - privy to her personal health information - during another difficult time in her life. For what it’s worth, I think you have a real problem respecting boundaries. If I was this woman, I would just want you to respect my privacy.

Again, let the police and the social workers do their jobs. 

I respect what you say. You are so right. I just need to hear it. I need to hear what people like you have to say. Because I know its correct,  but I keep talking myself out of it? I think.  Thank You.  

I'm just hurting.   For her. I feel terrible.  As I should. 

[Estes]

One thing you can do right now is to stop calling her your sister.

Calling your good friend "sis" is not the same thing as saying "I had an affair with my close friend's husband when my sister was away" and then following up with "I stole my sister's husband".

 

[Lydia65]

2 minutes ago, Estes said:

One thing you can do right now is to stop calling her your sister.

Calling your good friend "sis" is not the same thing as saying "I had an affair with my close friend's husband when my sister was away" and then following up with "I stole my sister's husband".

 

Ok. Thanks. That's the least of my concerns. But. Noted.

[FMW]

My primary concern reading all of this is the child.  The moment you knew he was in a home with someone that abused his mother I think you should have reported it.  The abuser may very well turn the violence on the child, and even if that doesn't happen the child is being traumatized witnessing what is happening to his mother.  Because of the abuse she's probably also not functioning as she should as a mother.  

I also don't understand keeping quiet and not telling your fiance what you know about her current situation in the hospital.  He needs to know because of their son.    

If you hide things like this due to your fear of losing him to her, you don't really have him.  If he chooses to be with her, he's not yours, you're just treading water until it all blows up.  

[Lydia65]

8 minutes ago, FMW said:

My primary concern reading all of this is the child.  The moment you knew he was in a home with someone that abused his mother I think you should have reported it.  The abuser may very well turn the violence on the child, and even if that doesn't happen the child is being traumatized witnessing what is happening to his mother.  Because of the abuse she's probably also not functioning as she should as a mother.  

I also don't understand keeping quiet and not telling your fiance what you know about her current situation in the hospital.  He needs to know because of their son.    

If you hide things like this due to your fear of losing him to her, you don't really have him.  If he chooses to be with her, he's not yours, you're just treading water until it all blows up.  

I am all in with what your saying.  I had zero evidence of him hurting her. I mean. I saw the bruises,  my fiancee would ask her what happened,  she would make up something.  Knowing her as I do, I knew it was a lie. Her boyfriend was always a upstanding guy in public. He's a man in power. I mean in Law so he can skirt around just about anything.  I lost her trust and love so she didn't confide in me. So I never had the proof of her saying he hurts me. I didn't even know she was pregnant! Until she was admitted and all the hospital staff was just broken over her condition and why she was here. 

The little boy lives with us. She has visitation. Which now I feel is wonderful because he didn't see much. I want to tell my fiance. That she's really bad. She could die. But I feel frozen. I cant get the nerve to tell him and I dont know why??!

 

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I feel used. She agreed to spend this time with me. We were on the same page. She claims she loves me but she can't continue in our marriage.  But she drank for the first time since having our son and she let me make love to her which has probably resulted in our second child (if it went my way I'll be a Dad again in nine months!) She is now saying she made a mistake.  She is disappointed in herself for allowing this to happen.  She says she loves me, but cant be with me. She wants a divorce and to attend CoParent counseling. She wants to work on being friends. She claims she cannot go on feeling the pain she does.

She probably feels quite ambivalent. It's (often) no doubt very hard to deal with breaking up one's family. BUT it's often very hard for some folks to reconcile and/or be with someone they feel they can't trust anymore. This wasn't using you - it was her following her feelings and THEN following them again. They are contradictory feelings.

Having sex with someone and then feeling like "it was a mistake" for one reason or another is common enough to be cliche. I think you should take her at her word. I suspect this is not a done deal either way (divorce or reconciliation) and she may very well vacillate again.

If it were me, I would NOT be rooting for a new child to be brought into the situation as I suspect it will only complicate things further. IF you do divorce, it will draw out the time you'll spend co-parenting, something you may not enjoy much (the "co" part), e.g. if you one day feel animosity/alienation towards her due to the divorce, etc.

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Lydia65 said:

The little boy lives with us. She has visitation.

Why does she not have shared custody of her own child? 

16 minutes ago, Lydia65 said:

I want to tell my fiance. That she's really bad. She could die.

All the more reason why he needs to know. 

Except, if you tell him you will break confidentiality. You could be fired. 

[Lydia65]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Why does she not have shared custody of her own child? 

All the more reason why he needs to know. 

Except, if you tell him you will break confidentiality. You could be fired. 

She lives in a beautiful neighborhood in the city. Its wealthy and everything.  Most of the residents send their kids to private schools.  We live in the suburbs,  the schools are top notch. So he lives here so we don't have to pay for private school.  It's a great area for kids. She has access to him when she wants. As I said my fiancee he is at her every whim. But please dont misunderstand.  She doesn't abuse it. She Co parents perfectly,  she only deals with her Ex when it pertains to the child.  If she wants him on a Wednesday his Dad is fine with it.  No problem.  He's closer to family here and it's what he knows. No more no less.

Yes I have to respect confidentiality. That's why I'm here. I want to help.  I don't want to cause trouble.  I see my fiancee is very jealous of her having this boyfriend and I am afraid of his reaction if he finds out this man hurts her. My fiancee is feeling so much pain and guilt for leaving her. I think he resents me. His son ask him of he will come back to him and Mommy.  I understand the kids pain.  But I am still in love.  I think he wants her back. That hindered me in the beginning.  But now This!! I'm questioning everything. 

[Lydia65]

Please note. She the mother. She lives in a beautiful neighborhood in the city. Its wealthy and everything.  Most of the residents send their kids to private schools.  We live in the suburbs,  the schools are top notch. So he lives here so we don't have to pay for private school.  It's a great area for kids. She has access to him when she wants. As I said my fiancee he is at her every whim. But please dont misunderstand.  She doesn't abuse it. She Co parents perfectly,  she only deals with her Ex when it pertains to the child.  If she wants him on a Wednesday his Dad is fine with it.  No problem.  He's closer to family here and it's what he knows. No more no less.

Yes I have to respect confidentiality. That's why I'm here. I want to help.  I don't want to cause trouble.  I see my fiancee is very jealous of her having this boyfriend and I am afraid of his reaction if he finds out this man hurts her. My fiancee is feeling so much pain and guilt for leaving her. I think he resents me. His son ask him of he will come back to him and Mommy.  I understand the kids pain.  But I am still in love.  I think he wants her back. That hindered me in the beginning.  But now This!! I'm questioning everything! Her boyfriend is a powerful man.  He keeps her. She's a smart. Educated woman. She went to NYU! he provides everything for her. In the beginning I think she was happy.  Which drove my fiancee out of his mind. I cant have kids. She can and he wants a bug family. This new man said he wanted a lot of babies. A baby girl, which my fiancee wants and he was furious for a week when he found  out her boyfriend wanted her to have his baby...I was so angry I made him sleep on the couch,  because why is he jealous of what his Ex Wife that he divorced for me did? 

I feel he's looking for a excuse to get back to her!

Edited February 6, 2022 by Lydia65

[vla1120]

10 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

Counseling has been very beneficial. I had the opportunity to spend a couple days with my wife and our baby at our families cabin, by a beautiful lake. We had long conversations.  She let me speak. I poured out my heart to her and she did the same. I can finally say I know exactly what she wants. I know I have destroyed her, broken her heart. Depleted all trust she has in me,  I vowed to spend the rest of my life making it up to her. She made me fall even more in love with her. I realized even more what I lost.  Annnnd.... she still wants a divorce.  [ ] 

You say this like it was some kind of devious plan on her part. NO. She was always worthy of your love. You know you blew it with her and now you try to turn it on her.

 

10 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I feel used. She agreed to spend this time with me. We were on the same page. She claims she loves me but she can't continue in our marriage.  But she drank for the first time since having our son and she let me make love to her which has probably resulted in our second child (if it went my way I'll be a Dad again in nine months!) She is now saying she made a mistake.  She is disappointed in herself for allowing this to happen.  She says she loves me, but cant be with me. She wants a divorce and to attend CoParent counseling. She wants to work on being friends. She claims she cannot go on feeling the pain she does. She needed this little vacation to start her healing process?! [ ] 

I agree. She did make a mistake. I don't even know why she would go away with you. What part did you play in that plan? I wonder if she felt obligated to give you this time. I wonder if you hounded her until she agreed to spend this time with you. 

 

10 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

 I  always said I would give her what she needs. I am sick in love with her. I've been going absolutely crazy since we returned from this trip. I feel a thousand times worse. 

My feelings are all over the damn place. I  want her to heal. I want counseling for is to be better for our son. But I don't understand how she could sleep with me. Then just switch. I  feel quite bitter.  I hope she ends up pregnant again.  I refuse to sign divorce papers if she is. She's wrong for going about this the way she is. I may seem selfish.  I dont know. I have rights to feel the way that I do. 

Again, what part did YOU play in this little get together? You think SHE'S wrong for doing this? you think SHE'S wrong for sleeping with her husband, and then waking up and remembering what you have done to her? 

 

10 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I've been getting counseling,  giving her space, being a great Dad,and she throws me a curve ball.  Not fair. 

You have SO MUCH work to do on yourself - starting with your comment that she's the only woman you felt was worthy of ALL respect. In other words, you have a deep-seated disrespect of women. You were the one who threw the curve ball and now that she's not doing what you want, she's not being fair. You are in this position because of YOUR actions. Stop blaming the OW. Stop blaming your wife. Own it. 

 

[mark clemson]

One thing you DIDN'T do in all of this is tell her who to start a new relationship with OR tell her to stay with an abusive man. While feelings aren't always logical, in reality while you may indeed have had quite a lot to do with the end of her marriage IMO, you DON'T have much at all to do with who she's chosen to be with after that ended.

Feeling bad FOR her makes perfect sense; feeling guilty that you played some role in selecting who she's with now, not so much.

Edited February 6, 2022 by mark clemson

[Lisa]

Thread is being reviewed by moderators

[Italian Muse]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

She probably feels quite ambivalent. It's (often) no doubt very hard to deal with breaking up one's family. BUT it's often very hard for some folks to reconcile and/or be with someone they feel they can't trust anymore. This wasn't using you - it was her following her feelings and THEN following them again. They are contradictory feelings.

Having sex with someone and then feeling like "it was a mistake" for one reason or another is common enough to be cliche. I think you should take her at her word. I suspect this is not a done deal either way (divorce or reconciliation) and she may very well vacillate again.

If it were me, I would NOT be rooting for a new child to be brought into the situation as I suspect it will only complicate things further. IF you do divorce, it will draw out the time you'll spend co-parenting, something you may not enjoy much (the "co" part), e.g. if you one day feel animosity/alienation towards her due to the divorce, etc.

I would never have harsh feelings co-Parenting with her.  She's amazing very gentle and kind. She's open minded and only wants the best for our children. 

 

She's so uncomplicated. That's what I love about her.  Even with the time we spent. It was easy, uncomplicated and no finger pointing and zero blame.  It was a hundred percent focusing on our son.

 

 

 

[Italian Muse]

She's just so uncomplicated.  She's an amazing woman who Co-Parents perfectly. There's never any arguments or craziness.  We decide what's best for our family and she is with it. She's a rare breed. 

I told sherif she wants a divorce.  I will give her everything.  She wants nothing but a great father for our son. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I told sherif she wants a divorce. . 

The courts will decide about child support, custody and division of assets. An uncontested divorce is less wear and tear for everyone especially if you can focus on co-parenting.

[6ix]

Two threads merged of same person posting with separate accounts. 
 

@Italian Muse is the same person as @Lydia65

Edited February 6, 2022 by 6ix