Ladiixmk Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 Hey everyone! So I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now. I'm 27F, he's 25M. He's a very sweet guy, and we're very in tune with each other. I could really tell that he loves me and I love him back. However, I can't help but to feel very lonely in the relationship. It all started last summer. Don't want to get too specific, but the first issue that we had is that he stopped taking me out on dates once I agreed to become official with him. All what he wanted to do was stay inside and either watch YouTube/Tiktok videos or watch TV. I ended up speaking to him about it 5 separate times (after the 4th time I did some initiating on my part - like planned out dates for 6 consecutive weeks - hoping he would finally initiate a date, but he didn't) until he finally changed and started planning some dates. But then they're two other issues - one that I spoke to him about, another that I kinda did but not in depth. About the first issue, we spoke about ways we can repair it, however I wonder if there's anything else we can do? 1. My boyfriend has a tendency to not only talk about himself a lot, but also change the topic back to himself. For example, last November I found out my favorite group was coming to my town on, coincidentally, the weekend of my birthday. I was on the phone with him and became super excited. His response? "Oh wow, that's great that your favorite girl group is coming. Oh that reminds me - I have to purchase a gift for my aunt!" Or another time - we both ended up getting COVID after Christmas and didn't see each other for two weeks. The first time we saw each other, he spoke about himself for 1 1/2 hours until he finally asked me how my day was. There are a TON of situations like this. I finally brought it up about 2 Sundays ago, and he told me that he wasn't aware that he was doing it, he does care about me, and that he wants to change. So now, whenever he changes the topic, I call him out on it, and then he goes back to the main topic. But it still makes me feel... boring to him? Uninteresting? I know change takes time but I still don't feel good... 2. This is the issue I briefly spoke to him about. But he tends make subtle comments about other women in front of me. At first I would laugh/joke around about it, but it's become a bit too much. Let's say a barely clothed woman comes on the screen, he'll never fail to say "DAMN" or comment on something about her. I look at him and give him a stare, and then he'll look over at me and laugh. One time I asked him, "hey you know I'm your girlfriend right... why do you say that stuff to me?" and he said "Oh I'm sorry, I'll stop". But, of course, he hasn't. Also, he has also lied to me. It's a bit minor, but I still feel weird that he lied. In the beginning of our relationship, we talked and both agreed that we don't mind if we follow people we think are attractive on Instagram, as long as we doesn't comment. About 2 months ago, he told me he doesn't follow any of those types of girls at all. But one day, I got curious and decided to check to see who he's following on Instagram and Facebook, and realized that he followed a ton of random girls who, needless to say, show off their bodies. On Facebook, he had even "hearted" a few pics while we were in a relationship (one even on our anniversary). I didn't talk to him about this. It was interesting because one day we were on TikTok and a girl did something, and he started laughing and said "how do guys even fall for this? Like clearly she just wants attention". Meanwhile, in my head I was thinking, 'well, you are one of those guys....' Yea, I can talk about more, but I realize this is getting long. Any tips here? Should I really address #2, especially the last point?
Wiseman2 Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 Sorry this is happening. You seem incompatible. More specifically he seems too immature for you. You're planning dates, trying to move the relationship forward,etc. and he's just hanging out lost in screens. Does he work, go to school, live with his parents? Does he have interests, hobbies, ambition or energy? Unfortunately you seem overinvolved and overinvested. You're trying to steer the relationship but he's just coasting along. Reflect if you want someone this passive and indifferent who you have to pull along to "make" it work. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: More specifically he seems too immature for you. Agreed. A guy who spends all his time talking about himself or on Tik-Tok? Yawn. Toss him back and find a guy who doesn't need to be prompted to take an interest in you. 2
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 What you see is what you get. You cannot fix him, and you cannot work on a relationship by yourself. You 2 may have connected at the beginning but turns out you are not compatible and he doesn't make you happy. When you feel lonely in a relationship it's because it's over. He has disconnected, he doesn't care, he's not both feet in with you, he's not even one toe in. You're 27, you've wasted enough of your best years on this half-hearted man. 2
glows Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 7 hours ago, Ladiixmk said: Yea, I can talk about more, but I realize this is getting long. Any tips here? Should I really address #2, especially the last point? You don’t have to. It’s been slightly over a year, 12 months, and it’s a good time to notice he’s not the one for you. You seem like a sweet woman, the kind who works on relationships instead of throwing them away the instant you find something not to your taste. The issues you have however are all character flaws. He’s self-absorbed, selfish, a liar and vocal about other women. If you brought up these topics he will still do them anyway if you’re not around. Or, lie more to get away with things he feels he shouldn’t be doing. This is his character and who he is. It’s likely how he was raised and a byproduct of the men he’s been around. Have you met his family? What do you think of them? Have you met his friends? 1
Author Ladiixmk Posted January 25, 2022 Author Posted January 25, 2022 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. You seem incompatible. More specifically he seems too immature for you. You're planning dates, trying to move the relationship forward,etc. and he's just hanging out lost in screens. Does he work, go to school, live with his parents? Does he have interests, hobbies, ambition or energy? Unfortunately you seem overinvolved and overinvested. You're trying to steer the relationship but he's just coasting along. Reflect if you want someone this passive and indifferent who you have to pull along to "make" it work. Thank you for the response! Yea, he does go to work, has his own apartment, car etc. He's an ambitious person. But, that's actually all he talks about - work work work, and his future goals. He repeats himself a lot. We both also have similar interests and hobbies. That's usually how we connect. It's just the emotional connection that is a problem. When we had a talk last week, he told me he's 100% happy in the relationship and I make him the happiest man in the world, etc. Also, he's the one who first brought up living together, meeting my parents, etc. He thinks about the future of us a lot. But in terms of the present - it just seems like he assumes we'll reach that emotional connection without putting in much work. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because I am his first serious relationship. Which is why I prefer to talk things out. But, I don't feel fulfilled... 1
Author Ladiixmk Posted January 25, 2022 Author Posted January 25, 2022 39 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What you see is what you get. You cannot fix him, and you cannot work on a relationship by yourself. You 2 may have connected at the beginning but turns out you are not compatible and he doesn't make you happy. When you feel lonely in a relationship it's because it's over. He has disconnected, he doesn't care, he's not both feet in with you, he's not even one toe in. You're 27, you've wasted enough of your best years on this half-hearted man. Thanks! To be quite honest, I think he cares a lot. He tells me he's 100% happy in the relationship. After I had the talk with him, it looked like he was going to cry because his eyes looked watery And he kept hugging me telling me that he loves me and doesn't want to see me go... Also, this seems to be his first serious relationship. Which is why I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. However, I've never felt like this before which is why I'm trying to find some alternative solutions from others.
Author Ladiixmk Posted January 25, 2022 Author Posted January 25, 2022 30 minutes ago, glows said: You don’t have to. It’s been slightly over a year, 12 months, and it’s a good time to notice he’s not the one for you. You seem like a sweet woman, the kind who works on relationships instead of throwing them away the instant you find something not to your taste. The issues you have however are all character flaws. He’s self-absorbed, selfish, a liar and vocal about other women. If you brought up these topics he will still do them anyway if you’re not around. Or, lie more to get away with things he feels he shouldn’t be doing. This is his character and who he is. It’s likely how he was raised and a byproduct of the men he’s been around. Have you met his family? What do you think of them? Have you met his friends? Yea I'm definitely realizing the bolded part... I've met his family on multiple occasions, and they seem nice and very close. When we first me, he told me he's not close to his family at all, and he seemed to kinda distance himself from them. However throughout our relationship, I've realized that he's soften up a bit and he's trying to become closer to them now. And yea I met his friends - they're all very nice and seem to be very relationship-oriented. His closest friend is married and loves his wife. 1
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Ladiixmk said: Thanks! To be quite honest, I think he cares a lot. He tells me he's 100% happy in the relationship. After I had the talk with him, it looked like he was going to cry because his eyes looked watery And he kept hugging me telling me that he loves me and doesn't want to see me go... But those are just words. And words are cheap. Sure he's happy, he has to do nothing to keep you around, he gets regular sex, has your company, you listen to him talking about himself for 0 efforts on his part. The key words here are YOU are NOT happy and staying with a man that talks about loving you but does nothing to show you his love isn't good enough. His first relationship or not, has nothing to do with this. Wanting to go on dates with you should come naturally, giving you space to talk about you should come naturally to him, respecting you as his girlfriend and shutting his mouth when he sees half naked women should come naturally. You really want to waste your time teaching a boy how to be a man? If he didn't get good role models in his life on how to be a man over 25 years of his life, you think YOU can teach him in a few months time? Edited January 25, 2022 by Gaeta 1
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 Hun this is why we date...to see how they treat us and the relationship...barely a year in and you see some major flaws. This is when you say, you are not what I want, this isn't working out. Trust me, you stay with him all you are doing is extending the inevitable. 1
glows Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 15 minutes ago, Ladiixmk said: Yea I'm definitely realizing the bolded part... I've met his family on multiple occasions, and they seem nice and very close. When we first me, he told me he's not close to his family at all, and he seemed to kinda distance himself from them. However throughout our relationship, I've realized that he's soften up a bit and he's trying to become closer to them now. And yea I met his friends - they're all very nice and seem to be very relationship-oriented. His closest friend is married and loves his wife. To leave no stone unturned, so to speak, you can bring up the issues that bother you but be mindful that things may not change. I don’t think it’s fair to either of you to remain silent and build up feeling resentful. You seem very invested and unwilling to let him go so talk with him about it. What other alternative is there? I don’t think he finds anything wrong with what he’s doing and is pushing your boundaries so let him know what’s not ok for you and level with him. A loving partner will be inspired to change. A person who isn’t interested in you will not see what he’s doing is hurting you. Some of us who are older may have been down this road many times and the likelihood of change happening is low. It doesn’t mean it absolutely is impossible but it is low. That’s why we date to see a person’s nature and character. The older you get the more set in their ways a person becomes. 1
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 Also the right partner wouldn't need to make any changes. 1
Alpacalia Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 I'd suggest first trying to determine if you're trying to fill a void that has nothing to do with the relationship. That aside, In regards to #1, your concern is that he feels bored or uninterested in you. Do YOU consider yourself boring or uninteresting? Point #2. Frequent comments about other women are disrespectful to you, end of discussion. It's nonsense that he won't find other women attractive, or that there's anything wrong with him finding other women attractive, but he needs to stop talking about it to you. Either he isn't mature enough to control himself or he doesn't respect you (or women in general) or care about you enough to rein in his impulses. His Instagram is no different. It's perfectly fine to notice other women. His ability to hush up his attraction for other women for your sake is what makes him fall short - as if he were rather slow.
Versacehottie Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 2 hours ago, Ladiixmk said: Thanks! To be quite honest, I think he cares a lot. He tells me he's 100% happy in the relationship. After I had the talk with him, it looked like he was going to cry because his eyes looked watery And he kept hugging me telling me that he loves me and doesn't want to see me go... Also, this seems to be his first serious relationship. Which is why I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. However, I've never felt like this before which is why I'm trying to find some alternative solutions from others. I just have to ask WHY wouldn't he be happy in this relationship??? It's one-sided toward what he needs and wants. I think even if he means to do better he just might not be capable and motivated for whatever reason. I would say probably not CAPABLE. While it might be his first relationship, if I were in your shoes I wouldn't emphasize that or use it as an excuse. No one has to have been in a previous relationship to be giving and attentive. You kind of just ARE or ARE NOT. I think he's too immature for you. He may realize many years down the road that he should do more for his partner but right now he's showing you how he's calibrated. I wouldn't even waste your time trying to figure out why, what, all his reasons, explanations, excuses nor make him the bad guy. I don't necessarily think he is the bad guy...he's just not enough for you. Focus on yourself. These are some of the hardest relationships to break off because he's not really doing anything"wrong" but it's not enough for you. But you do deserve someone who makes you happy. I just don't think this will be it unfortunately. I think you look like you've done a decent to good job speaking up and i wouldn't waste any more of your time doing that. In your shoes I would break up. Sorry & good luck. 2
Weezy1973 Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 These days a lot of 25 year old men have the maturity of teenagers. And not a knock, just the way society has shifted. Family formation and the maturity that it requires has been pushing further and further back extending “adolescence”. To me he seems immature more than anything, rather than having fundamental flaws. I agree that having a conversation about these issues is important, that change may not happen, and if it doesn’t that’s fine. You either can live with it or you can’t. And if you can’t, then leave. 1
Author Ladiixmk Posted January 25, 2022 Author Posted January 25, 2022 1 hour ago, Alpaca said: I'd suggest first trying to determine if you're trying to fill a void that has nothing to do with the relationship. That aside, In regards to #1, your concern is that he feels bored or uninterested in you. Do YOU consider yourself boring or uninteresting? Point #2. Frequent comments about other women are disrespectful to you, end of discussion. It's nonsense that he won't find other women attractive, or that there's anything wrong with him finding other women attractive, but he needs to stop talking about it to you. Either he isn't mature enough to control himself or he doesn't respect you (or women in general) or care about you enough to rein in his impulses. His Instagram is no different. It's perfectly fine to notice other women. His ability to hush up his attraction for other women for your sake is what makes him fall short - as if he were rather slow. Thanks for your response! You definitely brought up some good points here for me to think about. Personally, I do not find myself boring or uninteresting. Just imagine if you're dating someone, and every single time you bring up something you're passionate in (your favorite band is touring in your city on your birthday weekend; you started a new hobby; you got a promotion at work; etc), and all what your SO says is "wow, that sounds great! Well good luck in that! I'm sure you'll enjoy it." And then changes the conversation. They didn't ask for any details (what's the name of your favorite band? which hobby?), they didn't ask for anyway to get involved, just a one to three sentence response. IDK, to me it gives the impression that he found me boring. But after talking to him about it, he said he was unaware that he was doing this, so some improvements were made. As for the second point, I 100% agree. IDK why some guys feel the need to say that to their own SO. And I'm honestly more suspicious about him lying than the actual liking/hearting pics. He was so firm that he doesn't do those things, and even made fun of guys who do those things. I would rather he be upfront and say "yea I like pictures here and there, but it doesn't mean anything." rather than denying it. 1
Author Ladiixmk Posted January 25, 2022 Author Posted January 25, 2022 46 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: I just have to ask WHY wouldn't he be happy in this relationship??? It's one-sided toward what he needs and wants. I think even if he means to do better he just might not be capable and motivated for whatever reason. I would say probably not CAPABLE. While it might be his first relationship, if I were in your shoes I wouldn't emphasize that or use it as an excuse. No one has to have been in a previous relationship to be giving and attentive. You kind of just ARE or ARE NOT. I think he's too immature for you. He may realize many years down the road that he should do more for his partner but right now he's showing you how he's calibrated. I wouldn't even waste your time trying to figure out why, what, all his reasons, explanations, excuses nor make him the bad guy. I don't necessarily think he is the bad guy...he's just not enough for you. Focus on yourself. These are some of the hardest relationships to break off because he's not really doing anything"wrong" but it's not enough for you. But you do deserve someone who makes you happy. I just don't think this will be it unfortunately. I think you look like you've done a decent to good job speaking up and i wouldn't waste any more of your time doing that. In your shoes I would break up. Sorry & good luck. Hm, yea this is all very true... I'll think more about this. Thanks 1
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said: These days a lot of 25 year old men have the maturity of teenagers. And not a knock, just the way society has shifted. Family formation and the maturity that it requires has been pushing further and further back extending “adolescence”. To me he seems immature more than anything, rather than having fundamental flaws. I agree with you that maturity comes much later on nowadays. They live with mom & dad much longer, they don't want to settle early, etc. But being attentive toward someone you love, wanting to make your girlfriend happy with small gestures and outings, those come naturally when you don't take someone for granted, maturity or not. This man, because at 25 he is a *man*, is showing you who he is, and who he'll be. Don't do like most young women your age and THINK you can change him. My ex-husband was 27 when we married. Through our marriage I had a series of complains. He was not enough this & that. Fast forward 18 years later and his new girlfriend calls me. She wants to know if he was like this & like that with me. At 45 years old, he was still the same man, with same flaws than he had at 27. People don't change. You find someone kind & attentionate if it's what you want. Trying to change a selfish boyfriend into a kind and attentionate boyfriend just does not happen. 2
vla1120 Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 If this is his first serious relationship, then I would say he hit the jackpot and has someone who meets his needs and he either does not understand how to or does not care to meet your needs, as well. Ideally, in a relationship, we would not want to change the other person. However, the fact that you feel lonely is a pretty big red flag. I don't think he is the one for you. Maybe somewhere down the road, he'll mature and figure out that relationships are give and take, but do you want to wait around to find out? You are both very young and I wouldn't want to see you miss out on what could be a perfect relationship to stay in a relationship that's just "okay." 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 Of course he's happy with you, OP. He has an audience for his self-centred rambling and says and does pretty much whatever he wants. Obviously he would like that - he's number one. But you? You are not happy. Listen to what your gut is trying to tell you here. 2
ShyViolet Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 All of these "issues" have a common theme..... it's all him being very self-centered, self-absorbed, and very inconsiderate of your feelings. He also sounds very lazy in the relationship, he's not putting in any effort to make you feel special or important. This guy sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. And just because HE says he's happy in the relationship, that alone doesn't mean the relationship should continue. It doesn't sound like you're particularly happy in the relationship. 6 hours ago, Ladiixmk said: It's just the emotional connection that is a problem. But in terms of the present - it just seems like he assumes we'll reach that emotional connection without putting in much work. Oh that's "all" that's lacking, the emotional connection? After a year of dating, if the emotional connection is lacking then that should be a neon sign that this relationship isn't working. The "emotional connection" is pretty much the entire "meat" of a relationship. It's not a footnote, it's, like.... everything. If it's not there by now, it won't be there. 1
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 6 hours ago, Ladiixmk said: it just seems like he assumes we'll reach that emotional connection I've missed that bit. Are you saying he not *in love* yet? 1
Alpacalia Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Ladiixmk said: Thanks for your response! You definitely brought up some good points here for me to think about. Personally, I do not find myself boring or uninteresting. Just imagine if you're dating someone, and every single time you bring up something you're passionate in (your favorite band is touring in your city on your birthday weekend; you started a new hobby; you got a promotion at work; etc), and all what your SO says is "wow, that sounds great! Well good luck in that! I'm sure you'll enjoy it." And then changes the conversation. They didn't ask for any details (what's the name of your favorite band? which hobby?), they didn't ask for anyway to get involved, just a one to three sentence response. IDK, to me it gives the impression that he found me boring. But after talking to him about it, he said he was unaware that he was doing this, so some improvements were made. As for the second point, I 100% agree. IDK why some guys feel the need to say that to their own SO. And I'm honestly more suspicious about him lying than the actual liking/hearting pics. He was so firm that he doesn't do those things, and even made fun of guys who do those things. I would rather he be upfront and say "yea I like pictures here and there, but it doesn't mean anything." rather than denying it. I'm glad. And you brought up some good points as well. You have the right to your interests and passions. It is understandable you would want to share them with your boyfriend. I highly doubt him not taking an interest in them is because you're boring. Totally agree on your last point. I think it's normal for the occasional remark to slip through from time to time, but I think the bigger issue here is that he behaves in a way that doesn't make you feel good, period, plain and simple. Love and care will drive you to go to any length to ensure the other person's success and happiness. Your relationship is not progressing in the right direction. Change your course or abandon ship before you both collide with an iceberg and drown. Edited January 25, 2022 by Alpaca
smackie9 Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 If he hasn't reach that "emotional" connection by now, it ain't gonna happen. You are hanging by a thread here. My guess is, he doesn't understand that you end a relationship when you don't progress in feelings. Sounds like he's just been going through the motions. It's no wonder you feel lonely...he's dead blank emotionally.
Recommended Posts