When your avoidant-attachment style ex comes back - can things go more smoothly?

[Kansasbbq10]

I went total no contact, ignored his attempts to contact me multiple ways for months. He was initially angry because I’d spoken to his (now ex) wife, which would anger anybody, I think! But after months it was clear he missed me and still cared about me. Not only because he explicitly said so, but because he began texting me basically 24/7 the way we always used to and bring up minute details about seemingly insignificant nights we hung out years ago- like, I didnt even remember that one purple  sweater dress until he described it. 
He’s textbook avoidant attachment, and I’m anxious. I know it’s a toxic combo but our sexual chemistry has always been explosive, as has this… other connection where we just get each other on levels I can’t describe. Figured I’d reflect on whether there’s anything I can try this go around.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this is going to end poorly for you, OP. 

Good sex isn't enough to sustain a relationship. It didn't work the first time around and I see little to suggest it would work a second time, either.

[Kansasbbq10]

He thinks his antisocial personality disorder cannot be changed and it’s just who he is. He says he cares about me as much as he possibly can within the confines of it. He likes to feel like he could pick up and run away for a bit, even from his job, and then return so he preserves his autonomy and freedom. BUT he texts me all day and calls me every night for 2 hours. And gets very upset if I explain I’m going out with another man even as friends. So it really doesn’t appear he “feels nothing” as he claims.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

He likes to feel like he could pick up and run away for a bit, even from his job, and then return so he preserves his autonomy and freedom. BUT he texts me all day and calls me every night for 2 hours. 

How long has he been divorced? Perhaps he needs some room to breathe and some freedom.

It sounds like he wants a casual relationship and care for you in that capacity.

[stillafool]

On 1/24/2022 at 11:32 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

He was initially angry because I’d spoken to his (now ex) wife,

Why did you contact his wife?

[Coasting1991]

58 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

He thinks his antisocial personality disorder cannot be changed and it’s just who he is.

When you say antisocial personality disorder, do you mean it as in he's asocial (doesn't seek out/want social interaction) or he's truly antisocial (no regard for right/wrong or the feelings/wants of others)? Not trying to be nitpicky, but the answer does change things. 

Regardless, the bolded above is essentially his way of saying that you must either take him as he is, or leave him. Someone who says that that's "just how he is" is not someone who is going to change. I don't mean this in a judgemental way, because change is really difficult.

 

On 1/24/2022 at 8:32 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

He was initially angry because I’d spoken to his (now ex) wife

I'm also curious why you spoke to his ex wife? 

[poppyfields]

On 1/24/2022 at 8:32 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

He’s textbook avoidant attachment, and I’m anxious. I know it’s a toxic combo but our sexual chemistry has always been explosive, as has this… other connection where we just get each other on levels I can’t describe. Figured I’d reflect on whether there’s anything I can try this go around.

To me, it's a trade off.  Allow to explain. 

I am of the belief that the reason why your sexual chemistry is so explosive and why you feel you "get" each other is precisely because of your opposing natures (he's avoidant, you're anxious) and all the tension (sexual tension) that creates.  It's powerful and I have experienced it myself with a long term ex (we were together six years).

If you can learn to accept his avoidant nature and need for so much lone time, learn to manage your anxious style in healthy ways such as Yoga and other calming exercises) and NOT take it personally, I think it could work.

Did you ever see the movie "Out of Africa"?   It was based on true story wherein Meryl Streep and Robert Redford had this type of relationship.  He needed to be off on his own for periods of time and while it upset her at first, she learned to understand it, understand his nature and need to be alone (months sometimes), and appreciated and enjoyed the times he would return and they were together.  She did NOT take it personally.  There relationship was passionate and intense.

I also have a friend who has this type of relationship with her husband who is a fisherman.  He's gone sometimes 9 months out of the year, he LOVES being a fisherman but he also loves her A LOT!  She understands this about him and accepts it.   

When he's gone, she simply lives her life, friends, family, work, volunteering etc.

So again it's a trade off because I can almost guarantee you if he were to change and be that 9-5 everyday guy who is always around, the chemistry between you would not be as intense, you may even feel bored by it.

Embrace your differences and learn to live within the limitations your different natures and styles present.

That is the only way this is gonna work imho!

 

Edited February 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

He thinks his antisocial personality disorder cannot be changed and it’s just who he is. He says he cares about me as much as he possibly can within the confines of it. He likes to feel like he could pick up and run away for a bit, even from his job, and then return so he preserves his autonomy and freedom. BUT he texts me all day and calls me every night for 2 hours. And gets very upset if I explain I’m going out with another man even as friends. So it really doesn’t appear he “feels nothing” as he claims.

Does any of this really sound sustainable long-term? 

It appears to be an exhausting emotional merry-go-round that just isn't worth it. 

[Kansasbbq10]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

To me, it's a trade off.  Allow to explain. 

I am of the belief that the reason why your sexual chemistry is so explosive and why you feel you "get" each other is precisely because of your opposing natures (he's avoidant, you're anxious) and all the tension (sexual tension) that creates.  It's powerful and I have experienced it myself with a long term ex (we were together six years).

If you can learn to accept his avoidant nature and need for so much lone time, learn to manage your anxious style in healthy ways such as Yoga and other calming exercises) and NOT take it personally, I think it could work.

Did you ever see the movie "Out of Africa"?   It was based on true story wherein Meryl Streep and Robert Redford had this type of relationship.  He needed to be off on his own for periods of time and while it upset her at first, she learned to understand it, understand his nature and need to be alone (months sometimes), and appreciated and enjoyed the times he would return and they were together.  She did NOT take it personally.  There relationship was passionate and intense.

I also have a friend who has this type of relationship with her husband who is a fisherman.  He's gone sometimes 9 months out of the year, he LOVES being a fisherman but he also loves her A LOT!  She understands this about him and accepts it.   

When he's gone, she simply lives her life, friends, family, work, volunteering etc.

So again it's a trade off because I can almost guarantee you if he were to change and be that 9-5 everyday guy who is always around, the chemistry between you would not be as intense, you may even feel bored by it.

Embrace your differences and learn to live within the limitations your different natures and styles present.

That is the only way this is gonna work imho!

 

Oh gosh thank you so much!! It really does seem you get it. I’ve been married before and the guy was very vanilla/ inexperienced/ there were a lot of deeper incompatibilities too… we’d always been pretty long distance and once we finally moved to the same state after we were married, I felt so bored and trapped and like I was slowly dying. Then I met this guy. Now it’s been years and I can truly say the passion and excitement and feeling we have this extremely unique connection (everyone else at our office used to say he was aloof and dismissive of everyone but me, that he’d never not listen to me), have not faded. And that I’d rather have his flights for independence (he’s clear about dating no one else/having no physical contact w others in the meantime) than have someone around 24/7 with whom I’d feel bored and not challenged. 

[mark clemson]

No one is perfect, and so we have to decide what we can and can't accept from a partner. Some things to consider:

- I think dealing with an avoidant-attachment person will depend a lot on the severity of it and the manner/style  of how they "push" when you get too close and/or the precise ways they keep you at a safe (for them) distance emotionally.

- From what little I have seen/read about, it sounds like despite their tendencies the avoidant types tend to genuinely want a relationship, they just want it "on their terms" (and really, who doesn't want that) WRT how close they let you come emotionally, etc.

- Therapy might help your partner rein their tendencies in a bit. I think often people think - "there's nothing wrong with me, why should I seek therapy to change". In a way they're right, but if the avoidant tendencies are or become  problematic for you, you might gently try to guide them to therapy to help keep things down to a dull roar.

- The "passion" might seem great now, but the "drama" and "pushing away" might get quite tiresome for you if/when your relationship inevitably starts to settle down into LTR mode.

- I have read that "high intensity" relationships have a tendency to burn out and it's more the "slower burn" ones that last/turn into true LTRs. Of course, most relationships end, but that tendency might still be something for you to consider as you move forward.

Edited February 2, 2022 by mark clemson

[Mrin]

Yeeeesh. Avoidant + anxious is usually a recipe for disaster. Objectively speaking, I'd take a pass as you both should be looking for secure types as partners. 

I know, easier said than done. 

[BaileyB]

On 2/1/2022 at 5:19 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

I can truly say the passion and excitement and feeling we have this extremely unique connection

Dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships are always filled with passion and excitement -