Lytguy1 Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 I've been in a relationship for 1yr with a girl. She's in her 20s I'm in my 30s. We moved cities 6 months ago for work reasons and now live together. Due to covid/remote work and the fact that we live in a suburb 40 minutes away from a new major city where we don't know a ton of people, we spend almost all our time together. For the most part is great, we love each other and want to get married some day, but at the same time we end up arguing a lot sometimes and it feels like it puts a big strain on our relationship. We've argued about money, we argued about our relationship approaches (she's more traditional and I'm more modern), we've argued about mistakes we've made. But despite what we argue about, it's more about the fact that it happens quite a bit sometimes, and also it can get intense...slammed doors, yelling, name calling etc... We always make up, but i hate it and she hates it afterward. We both play a part in this, but I hate the fact that I get sucked into it sometimes and feel I should be doing much better. My main question: is this common among couples who spend a ton of time together? Are we outside the norm of a happy couple? Can we get better? Should we be considering alternatives for our own long term peace? I love her, she loves me and we both want this to work. But we also want to do what's best.
Wiseman2 Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 25 minutes ago, Lytguy1 said: We moved cities 6 months ago for work reasons and now live together. You're both stressed out from so many things. One is moving to a new location. Another is moving in together especially after just 6 mos dating. So there are enormous adjustments and this can lead to bickering. Add to this stuck in the house together 24/7 and the general covid situation. Pick your battles. If it's not monumental to you let it slide. Realize a lot of it is stress release. Try to look around your area for stuff to do parks, gyms, clubs, groups, sports, etc. make friends with neighborhood people. Invite friends from t your former city over as well as visit . 2
stillafool Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 No it is not normal to be arguing constantly even if you do spend a lot of time together. Why can't you sit down and discuss your issues rather than constantly arguing about them? 1
glows Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 55 minutes ago, Lytguy1 said: We've argued about money, we argued about our relationship approaches (she's more traditional and I'm more modern), we've argued about mistakes we've made. But despite what we argue about, it's more about the fact that it happens quite a bit sometimes, and also it can get intense...slammed doors, yelling, name calling etc... Is this about marriage and kids? What do you mean you're more "modern"? What's the issue with money? Things aren't going to blow over or stay swept under the rug. It sounds more like neither of you are accepting that you have differing views, fundamental differences that show no future at all. 2
Happy Lemming Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 1 hour ago, Lytguy1 said: We've argued about money... This one is simple, do a budget. Spend your monthly income on paper before the month starts, then turn that into a budget. Only spend the money as per the budget. And try to program in at least 20% for long term savings/retirement. It's never too early to start an IRA!! 3
Author Lytguy1 Posted January 24, 2022 Author Posted January 24, 2022 1 minute ago, glows said: Is this about marriage and kids? What do you mean you're more "modern"? What's the issue with money? Things aren't going to blow over or stay swept under the rug. It sounds more like neither of you are accepting that you have differing views, fundamental differences that show no future at all. As an example, she started out expecting the guy to cover all joint expenses. I expect to cover more than her, but not pay for everything if she has a significant income, which she does at the moment. We've come to a happy medium but it was such a headache to get there. Other things have come up financially as far as goals etc... Again, we've come to a happy medium, but it was such a struggle to get there. Recently something really bad went down in our relationship that we're working to move past, but again, it's been rough to get past it. It just sounds like we have poor conflict resolution. As much as we love each other, I just fear for what the future holds if we can't figure this argument thing out. We make a great team otherwise. Everything else is incredibly promising. We have the potential to do great things, and we have a wonderful time when we are in sync, but we can't get out of these bad arguments we have. After it happens we're on our best behavior, but then it's like the rug gets pulled out from under us. 1
ShyViolet Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 This might be caused, or at least worsened, by the fact that you spend almost all your time together. It's very unhealthy to spend almost all your time with a partner. You need to still have somewhat separate lives and space to be on your own sometimes. I strongly suggest that you find ways to at least find some separate time. You might just find that it helps the relationship. 1
glows Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 3 minutes ago, Lytguy1 said: As an example, she started out expecting the guy to cover all joint expenses. I expect to cover more than her, but not pay for everything if she has a significant income, which she does at the moment. We've come to a happy medium but it was such a headache to get there. Other things have come up financially as far as goals etc... Again, we've come to a happy medium, but it was such a struggle to get there. Recently something really bad went down in our relationship that we're working to move past, but again, it's been rough to get past it. It just sounds like we have poor conflict resolution. As much as we love each other, I just fear for what the future holds if we can't figure this argument thing out. We make a great team otherwise. Everything else is incredibly promising. We have the potential to do great things, and we have a wonderful time when we are in sync, but we can't get out of these bad arguments we have. After it happens we're on our best behavior, but then it's like the rug gets pulled out from under us. You both have to iron out the issues that are bothering you in regards to expenses, financial goals and "something really bad" that went down. These all speak to very deep-seated resentments because you are both still sweeping them under the rug, thinking that you can change one another. Was someone emotionally cheating on the other or going outside of the relationship? Or was this about money and overspending in one area? You do not make a good team if you are name-calling each other and the disagreements turn into out of control fighting. When you start to feel someone is upset don't keep pursuing the argument. Separate yourselves and agree to disagree and come back to the discussion at a less heated time. If you're going to discuss anything give each side a chance to be heard. 1
Author Lytguy1 Posted January 24, 2022 Author Posted January 24, 2022 17 minutes ago, glows said: You both have to iron out the issues that are bothering you in regards to expenses, financial goals and "something really bad" that went down. These all speak to very deep-seated resentments because you are both still sweeping them under the rug, thinking that you can change one another. Was someone emotionally cheating on the other or going outside of the relationship? Or was this about money and overspending in one area? You do not make a good team if you are name-calling each other and the disagreements turn into out of control fighting. When you start to feel someone is upset don't keep pursuing the argument. Separate yourselves and agree to disagree and come back to the discussion at a less heated time. If you're going to discuss anything give each side a chance to be heard. Thank you. Do you think due to how mucn time we spend together and the fact that we've been arguing, we're starting to get desensitized to how upset we're getting, and it just makes things escalate? I feel like that's the issue. If it were early days we'd be much more civil, and if someone got upset, it would register. Now it's like stomping off is commonplace or raising voices. It sucks.
Author Lytguy1 Posted January 24, 2022 Author Posted January 24, 2022 35 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: This might be caused, or at least worsened, by the fact that you spend almost all your time together. It's very unhealthy to spend almost all your time with a partner. You need to still have somewhat separate lives and space to be on your own sometimes. I strongly suggest that you find ways to at least find some separate time. You might just find that it helps the relationship. Yeah, having some breathing room would do us some good Thanks
glows Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 5 minutes ago, Lytguy1 said: Thank you. Do you think due to how mucn time we spend together and the fact that we've been arguing, we're starting to get desensitized to how upset we're getting, and it just makes things escalate? I feel like that's the issue. If it were early days we'd be much more civil, and if someone got upset, it would register. Now it's like stomping off is commonplace or raising voices. It sucks. Give yourselves more space then. Are you both vaccinated? There's really no excuse for that and covid is no longer an excuse for staying in. The time of extreme fear is over. We must adapt and be mentally resilient too in the way we change our lives to the situation. You can still go to the park together or separately or go for a run, take up a sport, work out, start modifying your behaviours with care to the present health situation and again separating yourselves when you feel irritable with each other.
basil67 Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, Lytguy1 said: As an example, she started out expecting the guy to cover all joint expenses. I expect to cover more than her, but not pay for everything if she has a significant income, which she does at the moment. We've come to a happy medium but it was such a headache to get there. Other things have come up financially as far as goals etc... Again, we've come to a happy medium, but it was such a struggle to get there. Recently something really bad went down in our relationship that we're working to move past, but again, it's been rough to get past it. It just sounds like we have poor conflict resolution. As much as we love each other, I just fear for what the future holds if we can't figure this argument thing out. We make a great team otherwise. Everything else is incredibly promising. We have the potential to do great things, and we have a wonderful time when we are in sync, but we can't get out of these bad arguments we have. After it happens we're on our best behavior, but then it's like the rug gets pulled out from under us. I think this is bigger than the two of you spending too much time together. Rather, I think there are major incompatibility issues. And name calling demonstrates a complete lack of respect for the other. Now, of these issues, her wanting the guy to cover all joint expenses isn't about her being traditional, it's about her being a money grabber. Or entitled. Having the man pay on an ongoing basis was all well and good back when women couldn't earn a living wage, but on a good income there is no excuse whatsoever for a woman wanting joint expenses to be paid for by a man. Fighting against an equitable financial arrangement is highly problematic on her part and should send up serious red flags for you. Likewise, negotiating goals is also an issue. Does the "happy medium" leave you 100% satisfied? Thing is, it's one thing to negotiate on unexpected issues when you're a long term couple, but this early on, it's about compatibility. You shouldn't need to negotiate - instead, you find someone who thinks like you do. Lastly, what's with all the name calling? How do things get so heated that name calling even starts in the first place? And out of curiosity, who's usually the first person to name call when there's a disagreement? Honestly, I'm seeing a lot of things here that you may be able to work through short term, but which will easily bring a marriage undone. Edited January 25, 2022 by basil67
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 38 minutes ago, basil67 said: I think this is bigger than the two of you spending too much time together. Rather, I think there are major incompatibility issues. I agree. I don't think simply taking some breathing room from each other is going to fix this, OP. You two are fundamentally different. 1
Dis Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 The grass is not always greener on the other side so when you find someone you really love and things are good for the most part, don't let that go. Work on it instead. Relationships are hard work and no one is perfectly compatible with someone else. Don't expect perfection. I think you two need to sit down and talk when you both are calm and are nowhere near an argument and remind each other that you two are a team, not opponents. Talk about ways to resolve conflicts in a healthier way. Try to spend less time together too Good luck 1
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 20 hours ago, Lytguy1 said: I've been in a relationship for 1yr with a girl. She's in her 20s I'm in my 30s. We moved cities 6 months ago for work reasons and now live together. Due to covid/remote work and the fact that we live in a suburb 40 minutes away from a new major city where we don't know a ton of people, we spend almost all our time together. For the most part is great, we love each other and want to get married some day, but at the same time we end up arguing a lot sometimes and it feels like it puts a big strain on our relationship. We've argued about money, we argued about our relationship approaches (she's more traditional and I'm more modern), we've argued about mistakes we've made. But despite what we argue about, it's more about the fact that it happens quite a bit sometimes, and also it can get intense...slammed doors, yelling, name calling etc... We always make up, but i hate it and she hates it afterward. We both play a part in this, but I hate the fact that I get sucked into it sometimes and feel I should be doing much better. My main question: is this common among couples who spend a ton of time together? Are we outside the norm of a happy couple? Can we get better? Should we be considering alternatives for our own long term peace? I love her, she loves me and we both want this to work. But we also want to do what's best. Get couples counselling. YOU BOTH do not know how to communicate with each other properly. Is it common to fight like cats and dog when confined? Not in a happy healthy relationship.
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: Get couples counselling. YOU BOTH do not know how to communicate with each other properly. Is it common to fight like cats and dog when confined? Not in a happy healthy relationship. That's my advise as well, couples conselling. You're not going to figure it out without someone guiding you. Name calling is unacceptable under any circumstances. I have a feeling you are bending backward for this woman. 1
vla1120 Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 19 hours ago, Lytguy1 said: Thank you. Do you think due to how mucn time we spend together and the fact that we've been arguing, we're starting to get desensitized to how upset we're getting, and it just makes things escalate? I feel like that's the issue. If it were early days we'd be much more civil, and if someone got upset, it would register. Now it's like stomping off is commonplace or raising voices. It sucks. If you want this relationship to work, you should probably seek some couples counseling. If you are unable to do that, then I would sit down together and make a list of the issues that tend to come between you, then discuss them calmly and come to an agreement on how to handle those issues moving forward. It sounds like you have done that for finances. Also, you both need to make a committment to sit down and calmly discuss issues instead of flying off the handle, yelling, slamming doors, etc. One way to do this is to have an object that you hold while you talk. Only the person holding the object can speak. State your case, then hand the object to the other person to respond. No interrupting, no yelling or raising your voices. Also try to set a limit on how long you can hold the object (so one person isn't speaking for 20 minutes and not allowing the other person to speak.) You're never going to both agree on everything. So you have to learn to compromise. It sounds like she has been willing to compromise on the finances. There's no reason it shouldn't be 50/50, if you both earn the same amount. If you do not make the same amount, you can break it down to percentages of household income/expenses. Everyone argues. There are healthy ways to resolve conflict. Be sure to address only the subject matter and not attack one another personally.
Ami1uwant Posted January 25, 2022 Posted January 25, 2022 On 1/24/2022 at 4:09 PM, Lytguy1 said: Thank you. Do you think due to how mucn time we spend together and the fact that we've been arguing, we're starting to get desensitized to how upset we're getting, and it just makes things escalate? I feel like that's the issue. If it were early days we'd be much more civil, and if someone got upset, it would register. Now it's like stomping off is commonplace or raising voices. It sucks. my take on this….I consider myself modern. you are not married. You live together. You should pay in proportion to your take home pay. If you are making 60% to her 40% Thrn that’s how you split the rent. arguments..it depends on what these are on. It’s one thing to debate an issue unrelated to living together/ relationships like which movie was better or which book is better or you debate about issues. Covid lock down has been a big issue where you have limited access to friends and are stuck at home together fir too much time. you should talk about issues in the relationship and not bury them.
Happy Lemming Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 3 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: You should pay in proportion to your take home pay. If you are making 60% to her 40% Thrn that’s how you split the rent. This is the most logical & equitable way to split the bills.
BaileyB Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 (edited) No relationship is without conflict. Some advice that I’ve taken to heart comes from (don’t hate me) Dr Phil. He said that marriages that are doomed to fail tend to fail because - when couples fight, it becomes a character assassination and that is very unhealthy thing to do to your partner. He said people who are able to disagree and still allow their partner to keep their dignity, tend to stay together and have much healthier relationship. That said, what concerns me most is not that you have differing opinions on things or that you are tripping over each other during this pandemic… What concerns me about your post is that you say it devolves into name calling and - I would assume - character assassination. Learn how to communicate, manage conflict, and respect each other enough to disagree without calling each other names and attacking each other - these are the skills that you both need to develop to make this relationship a happy, long term relationship. Edited January 26, 2022 by BaileyB 1
BaileyB Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 (edited) On 1/24/2022 at 1:21 PM, Lytguy1 said: it can get intense...slammed doors, yelling, name calling etc... Let’s just say, I hope you don’t live in an apartment. I had neighbours once who did this - let’s just say, it was a nightly show. Their marriage didn’t last. Edited January 26, 2022 by BaileyB
Ami1uwant Posted January 26, 2022 Posted January 26, 2022 18 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: This is the most logical & equitable way to split the bills. There are functional ways to slice this out. shared bills are rent power ( electricity gas ) water and trash internet/ cable food/ other routine living costs ( toilet paper, detergent, etc) from these you might alternate where one pays the rent and the other pays the utilities and shared living/ food expenses. It switches the other month to balance the split out. you likely have your own cars, cell phones, health insurance, health costs, car insurance, and credit card bill do’s which would remain separate. This personal Debts should not factor into sharing costs. None of the I have a car payment to make while yours is paid off crap so you have more money but this would be different if they moved in together and one did not own a car. 1
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