My Husband's Drinking.

[Jessie1961]

I am very concerned about my husband's drinking, because it is becoming a major problem in our marriage. He is 49, and we have been married for 18 years; no children.

 

Every night, he likes to drink at least three to four large whiskies before dinner. He never drinks with dinner because he says that once the meal is ready, the drinking is "over". He's always asking me to delay serving the meal, so he can have another drink. If I say sorry, dinner is ready, he pouts and says, "I just want one more." So, consequently I give in and we end up eating very late, sometimes after 10pm. He often comes to the table well on his way to being drunk.

 

This is where it can become ugly: if I say the "wrong" thing he becomes verbally abusive, and we end up having a big fight. For example, he was drunk and eating dinner like a slob...literally with his hands.....and when I told him I didn't like it, the result was a huge fight. He became so verbally ugly that I spent the night at a friend's place. It's like living with Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde.

 

Other times, he will insist on playing his favorite music loudly while he drinks. I cringe, and hope that the neighbors can't hear it. This goes on until 2 or 3 in the morning, when he staggers to bed. I just hope he passes out quickly because some of the things he says are horrible, and are directed at me.

 

The next morning, he will want sex, as if everything is okay. Who would want sex with someone who reeks of booze, and behaves as if last night's behavior never happened?

 

I have tried to explain when he is sober that his drinking is a problem, and sometimes he agrees, and other times becomes defensive. He never does anything about it though. I am worried that he is going the way of his brother, who is a recovering alcoholic, and lost his job, home and marriage before sobering up. I don't want to treat my husband like a child, and lecture him about his drinking, but this problem is worsening, and I am at my wits end as to how to cope.

 

Please help!

[mcgee0]

You need to talk to him while he is sober. You need to be sympathetic. ( Yes, I know that is hard to do.) Tell him you love him and you care about him. Try not to be judgemental. Use his brother as an example of what you don't want to happen to him. Explain to him that you love him and are there for him, but that his actions hurt you and you are concerned about him. This could become a huge problem if something is not done soon. He may need counselling, he may not. It all depends on the severity of the problem. But if he is drinking every night to the point of getting drunk, his health and your marriage are at risk. Have you tried going to a movie and dinner or something? Somewhere where they don't serve alcohol? Perhaps if you were busy doing other things, he wouldn't feel such a need to drink? Is he functioning well at work? How are other things in the marriage?

[Outcast]

Do not delay dinner any more. Eat your own dinner and tell him to eat whenever. You are 'enabling' him by letting him dictate what to do to you. Four or five glasses of whisky equals a bottle - far, far too much for any person to drink every single night. He is already an alcoholic whether he wants to admit it or not.

 

I agree you need to have a serious talk with him when he's sober. Tell him that it has to stop and that he better get about stopping.

 

Perhaps if you were busy doing other things, he wouldn't feel such a need to drink?

 

This isn't about being bored. This is about addiction to alcohol. You don't cure that by going out to dinner.

[Art_Critic]

Do not delay dinner any more. Eat your own dinner and tell him to eat whenever. You are 'enabling' him by letting him dictate what to do to you. Four or five glasses of whisky equals a bottle - far, far too much for any person to drink every single night. He is already an alcoholic whether he wants to admit it or not.

 

I agree you need to have a serious talk with him when he's sober. Tell him that it has to stop and that he better get about stopping.

 

 

 

This isn't about being bored. This is about addiction to alcohol. You don't cure that by going out to dinner.

 

All of Outcast's advice is perfectly on target..

 

On top of having a talk with him you might think about going to a week or so of AL-ANON meetings to help yourself understand how your interaction with him isn't doing you any good..

 

As an Alcoholic myself I can tell you that if you let him continue his drinking it will get alot worse and the end result won't be pretty for your marriage.

[Moose]

I'll have to disagree.

 

Nothing is going to change until he hits rock bottom.

 

Not delaying supper isn't going to work. Sure, go ahead and eat when you're ready.....but he'll just stick his in the fridge and nuke it later......back to square one.

 

Talking to him while he's sober isn't going to work either. He may or may not fess up to having a problem, but it'll wind up with him laying off the bottle, but only for a bit.

 

It won't take long before he's back into it full force.

 

How do I know all of this? I was there. Expeirenced it all. Waiting until the last minute to eat before passing out, blasting the music, getting defensive, hatefull and angry......everything you explained that you're experiencing with your husband....it took me hitting rock bottom before I changed......

 

I'm afraid he's at that point now.

[Skeered]

As was said by another poster...do not enable him to continue drinking..you have your meal when its ready and don't push it off for his benefit. If his drinking is becoming a major issue in your marriage address it now. My marriage couldn't handle it anymore and he drank until he lost everything and one would think he would quit..no now he just drinks because he said I took away everything that meant anything to him...a true alcoholic blames everyone else for their issues and thinks the world is out to get them.

 

You don't need to take his abuse anymore. Be strong and tell him what is going to happen and what you will help him with, but ultimately the choice is his whether he gets help or not. If he decides help is his option then you should support and help him and not doubt that he is trying, but if he doesn't try and doesn't seek help you have done all you can and you are not responsible for what happens to him anymore.

[Mz. Pixie]

Moose is right. He can't stop for you, he has to stop for himself. How do I know? Same thing happened with my dad.... my mom ended up leaving him- although she was mentally ill and their sicknesses just fed off each other.

 

I would advise you to find a Alanon meeting and to try and go. You will connect with others who have been or are where you are.

 

The decision whether or not to stay with him will have to be with you but you can't continue to enable him either.

[basscatcher]

Everything you just said was a repeat of my life. But all in one and a half years time.

I eventually walked. His nickname was Dr.Jekyl/Mr. Hyde from his AA members, friends and family.

When sober he admited to being an alcoholic when drunk he denied it. When sober he was the greatest man in the world, when drunk he was the biggest a**h***.

He would go all day with no food because he wanted his liquid diet.

He would buy little shot bottles (samplers) hide them everywhere.

One day I found a bottle in the mailbox. Can you imagin what the postal worker thought?? Geeeze.

He finally verbally challenged my son and they almost got into a scrape and he backed me in the walk in closet and started punching my legs. Thats when I knew it was time to walk.

I will never put up with a man who drinks like that again. NO way in hell..

NO MORE DRAMA for this woman...

 

He is now in AA, speaks at detox centers in the area, attends church, and bible studies. He calls me only as a friend when he needs support, advice or just to vent. We rarely see each other. It is best that way and I have moved forward with my life and he with his. I am one the very few people who can see right through him and have lived through hell with him so we have a respect for one another and a plain, unmasked honesty..

 

Truthfully, only you can make a decision as to whether you chose to stay and endure or leave and pray he gets help so you can make amends. You need to find some support in this like al-anon. I did a lot of reading from al-anon and that was enough for me.

I left and never returned and learned a lesson also. I know the warning signs much better now. I pray I don't end up with another alcoholic under my radar.. It's hell. My thoughts are with you.

[Jessie1961]

Thank you to all who have responded to my thread.

 

I have tried to get my husband to eat dinner when it is ready, and for the last few days have succeeded. He still likes his whiskies though, and is now drinking with the meal. One small step forward.....

 

Unfortunately things took a backward turn last night. After dinner, with 3 large whiskies under the belt, he was still hungry, and asked for more bread. I replied that he was welcome to help himself. However, he became angry at this, because it involved him getting up from the table and cutting the slices himself, and why couldn't I do it for him? This is after cooking the dinner, setting the table, and cleaning the kitchen while he sat and drank. All I wanted to do was sit and relax. I asked him why he couldn't just get up and help himself, what was the problem with that?

 

Well things escalated quickly, with him yelling and finally telling me to "F**k Off!" So I left the house and spent last night in a hotel. (Not the first time I have had to do this.) I returned home this morning, as he has gone away for two days on business. I took every bottle of whisky left in the house and emptied them.

 

Now I'm dreading his arrival home, and I want to go away for a few days to get my thoughts together. Just to have some time out from all of this.

[Moose]

I took every bottle of whisky left in the house and emptied them

This is not good. It's not a way to deal with this. All you've done is invited a fight.

 

This might be hard to understand for most people. But I think your best bet is to exercise patience with his mouth and attitude, and watch him destroy himself.

 

He will fall on his own. Something will happen that'll make him realize his mistakes. He'll be sorrowfull, but humbled into change. It may take 2 months, or 10 years, but it will happen.

 

Unless he physically abuses you, or cheats on you, don't leave again. Everytime you leave, you're making him believe you don't care about him. And if he does yell at you, you'll be fine. Everyone should be strong enough to take verbal abuse from a drunk.

 

I'll get flack for telling someone to put up with this crap. I know it's hard to do. But if you love him, and want to make this marriage work, and you want to do this as peacfully as you can.....he'll eventually become sick, and willing to get counceling.....it's a gamble.

[Mz. Pixie]

Moose I see what you're saying but what about her enabling him? I know you know from recovery that that is what she's doing. Could you address a little what she could do in that area??

[Art_Critic]

I'll get flack for telling someone to put up with this crap.

 

your darn tooting your going to get flack..

 

That is the selfish Alcoholic talking moose..

 

She need to worry about herself and stop worrying about him..

 

By dumping his booze you are helping enable him to continue to drink.

 

You need to remember that he has a disease that tells him that it is okay to continue his behavior.. It is a denial based disease and until he wants to give it up for good and for all there is nothing you can do to stop his drinking..

 

The thing you need to change is the way you enable his drinking..

Go to some AL-Anon meetings.. They will help you take the control back in your life your need and also your will learn to seperate the alcoholic from the person.

I disagree with Mosses advice.. Well intentioned but his advice puts the focus on the drunk and not on you where it should be..

[Moose]

Moose I see what you're saying but what about her enabling him? I know you know from recovery that that is what she's doing. Could you address a little what she could do in that area??

Like the Art Critic said, Al-Anon is a good place to start. She'll learn what to look for and what to avoid. Dumping his bottles out was the worst thing she could've done. Even the folks at Al-Anon will tell her that.

 

What really got to me is I'd find books around the house, one in particular was, "Where have they all gone?", which was a book about a man who lost everything due to his drinking.

 

There were several others, and even articles about what alcohol does to your body.

 

Even those props helped. But nothing changed in me until I made the decision to do it myself. It took a slap in the face like the overdose I had to make me realize what I was doing to myself and my family.

 

Noone was pressuring me, dumping out my bottle, leaving and staying in hotels.....they sat back and watched me hit rock bottom. Sounds cruel.....I know.....as rough as it was for me....it was worse for them to suffer right along. Then, when I woke up and the smoke cleared and I had seen what they had done....I knew then how much they really love and care about me. And I'll never do that to them again.

 

Yes, the focus is on the drunk. The drunk is the problem. It's exactly where the focus should be.

[Art_Critic]

Yes, the focus is on the drunk. The drunk is the problem. It's exactly where the focus should be.

 

I like the books idea.. I still remember those anti drinking tv commercials..

 

 

 

The focus in the drunks life already is him.. You need to be able to remove yourself from his drinking and put the focus in your life back onto you and your needs..

If you shift the foucs on the drunk then everybody is thinking about him and his needs..

Hence then you do things like pour his booze out..That is putting the focus on him..

 

His needs mean squat.. He is a drunk... The thing to remember is the drunk still needs your love.. That is why seperating the drunk from the person is important.

 

everybody has their own bottom..

Mine was in June 28,1987.. My father had died the week before and Thee girl of my life had walk out on me and my family hated me..

I had been going to AA meetings for a year before I sobered up and I was in such denail that I went to all my meetings drunk.. Until hitting my bottom.. Then I gave it once and for all and accepted a 12 step program to live my life by..

 

even Today almost 19 years later I say to myself every day..I may drink tommorrow but today I don't want to and hopefully tommorrow when I wake up I will feel the same as I do today..

Day by Day..

[JadeStar]

"I took every bottle of whiskey left in the house and emptied them out."

 

Moose stated thats not good. This is true. I was in similar situation about 3 years ago with my husband drinking. I was fed up with it. I told my counselor I was gonna pour out all of my husbands liquor as well. My counselor told me, not to do that. He said it was not only a controling move on my part but that it probably wouldn't work anyway, and would just make him even more pissed. He also said it wouldn't make him stop, it was something that he would have to do on his own. Sometimes it does take a person to hit rock bottom before they realize they need help.

 

So I can relate to your frustration. No one wants to sit back and watch someone destroy themselves or family. I think its obvious that your husband knows or understands your concern but even then, sometimes thats not enough for someone to stop. Hes gonna need some help but he has to want to get help for himself. I would just continue to try and be there for him if you can and I know you're frustrated, but try to hang in there.

 

 

Jade

[Mz. Pixie]

Moose, you are so lucky your wife loved you enough to stay.

[basscatcher]

I have to disagree with some of Moose and A_C suggestions then there are parts I do agree on.

 

Each Alcoholic is different. The man I was with I had to leave in order for him to get help again. He is the kind of man who carries heavy deep rooted denial, he is very stubborn and self righteous, he has a huge ego, and boasts about himself. He degrades and belittles everyone else and treats EVERYONE like they aren't good enough.. He is the kind of man who had to lose everyone and everything to wake up. I told him: I cannot sit by you and watch you kill yourself with this demon. I cannot sit here in this atmosphere having you drag me down into your misery. You are not being fair or loving to me with your self destruction. Misery loves company and I will not live with the devil. That is when I walked. I told him I will not let him make my life any more unhealthy and he needed to grow up. Then Poof I was gone and two months later he started getting help. He has had a few relaps but he is doing very well. He and I will never get back together but have a friendship that is full of respect. When he is falling apart and needs someone to be honest with him he calls me. He can't lie to me. I see right through him and I know him too well.

 

Then there are others who need the tough love with support by not being abandoned.

 

Each alcoholic is different in what is best to help them recover. BUT it is correct that YOU need to take care of YOU first. If you are a mess and can't keep yourself as healthy and happy as possible you will only feed the fuel to his fire.

 

You do really need to get some Al-non books and start going to a Al-non support group to find yourself and to get help to evaluate what is the best tactic to dealing with your situation.

 

Your plan will be tailored to fit your situation. Not every action everyone else does will help you or your SO. From what I know of Moose and A_C they are on one side of this issue and I am on the other. I lived with and put up with the alcoholic.

 

NO two situations are alike. You need to figure out the different options you have to dealing with this and you will only know if you learn and do research and get different views. You know your mans temperment better then anyone. You know how he acts, what he tolerates, what triggers him, what makes him smile. With help from experienced persons you can figure out a way to help him and to help yourself.

 

You cannot control the other person by pouring out their alcohol. It will only anger them and cause conflict. He has to chose himself. There is nothing you can to physically to make him stop. He WILL just go out and buy more.

[Art_Critic]

NO two situations are alike. You need to figure out the different options you have to dealing with this and you will only know if you learn and do research and get different views.

 

Great post Padameckla..

[Moose]

Moose, you are so lucky your wife loved you enough to stay.

Yes, very blessed.

 

And I agree with Pada. Every situation is different.

 

Final word? Al-Anon

[Outcast]

and Thee girl of my life had walk out on me

 

Which is why 'staying and loving him' may not help him. But I agree that Al-Anon is the best resource to consult to find out the wisest course of action.

[Guinne]

Hi

 

One thing sprung to mind when reading your posts.

 

I notice that your husband is now eating dinner earlier, but now also drinking with dinner. I'm not sure this is a positive step as he has just adjusted the goal posts?

 

Anyway, I know how you feel to have a husband who drinks alot. Mine can binge drink and sometimes when he does, he becomes very verbally abusive (calling me horrible names and telling me how awful I am etc). He has also done this when he is sober too. You end up walking on eggshells around them and that is not a life to live.

 

I also recommend reading up the advice on drirene.com - she gives some great advice on boundaries and abuse.

 

I don't agree with one of the statements made in the earlier post about not leaving when he gets verbally abusive. Verbal abuse is as bad as (or sometimes even worse) than physical abuse. You also need to look after yourself and protect yourself from him. I think you are making the right decision to stay in a hotel when he is like that - or even just take a walk and go out for a drive.

 

/hugs

 

Guinne