best friends, or is there something more?

[fruityyn]

my best friend (f 22) and i (f 21) are very close and i would say that our relationship is a lot different than the other friendships i have. until last year, we attended the same college until she graduated and started her masters which made time together much more special and our friendship progressed pretty quickly. for some background, i am openly queer and she says she is straight, but recently lines have become a bit blurry. there have been times where i have struggled with figuring out if my feelings for her were romantic or platonic, and i came to the conclusion that i was not IN love with her, but that i unequivocally love her as a human being. i had strong feelings for this person, but it wasn't sexual and i didn't find myself wanting to be physically intimate with her, or at least i didn't let myself.

because our friendship is now long distance, we have impressively been seeing each other quite often, about every other month, and with each visit, we have been getting closer and closer. however, the reason i am writing this post is because during the last 2 months and leading up to our most recent meet up, things have changed. it started with her telling me about how she feels like she will never be romantically satisfied by a man, that she feels like she will always be settling in marriage, and that she has never been in love with any of her boyfriends. i thought this was pretty normal since we're still young, but then she begins to make comments like "what if i just never like anyone else like i like you," "people always say with the right person these things would be fun (referring to domestic tasks), what if the right person is you?" "what if we never find satisfying romantic relationships and we only ever like each other for the rest of our lives. im not gonna lie, there's something suspicious about the way i think everyone in the world is flawed except for you", "i wouldn't be okay with my boyfriend having a friendship like ours with his best girl friend"... and the list goes on. she also mentioned that she thinks she would be so much happier if she was attracted to women, so i chalked this all up to her just fondly joking about how great our friendship is because she has never openly flirted with me (and vice versa). 

then, she suggested that if we didn't find any significant others by a certain age, we should just marry each other, and i agreed knowing that i would honestly be happy to spend the rest of my life with her because i frankly cannot imagine being closer to anyone else. however, somehow that turned into "we should just get married point blank" and she suggested that we buy cheap rings for each other, which we did. then, she suggested that i come visit her in her hometown for a few weeks because she couldn't wait until the next time that we planned to see each other which was 2 months from then. i agreed and booked a flight. when i got there, i was surprised because she began to move all her stuff into my room (i stayed at her parents) and we slept on the same bed for the entire trip even though her bedroom was right next door. she used the bathroom in my room, and even wanted me to sit with her in the bathroom as she did her skincare. we were basically together for every second for 3 weeks, mostly laying around and doing nothing (which i think is mutually our favorite thing to do). there would be talk about marriage and raising kids together, but again, never any flirting or moves being made. at one point, we even got a pen and paper and designed our dream house together. 

now, i am not only having second thoughts about my feelings being platonic because i would be lying now if i said i felt nothing romantically, but i am also confused about her feelings because i know that how things have been unfolding in our relationship is not normal in most friendships. sometimes i do wonder if she might be queer but is afraid to admit it because of how religious she is, but i would never pry because it is not my place. she also has never mentioned questioning her sexuality to me, and has only verbalized her inability to form romantic connections with men/ feeling unfulfilled by a mans love but still calls herself straight. i'm struggling a little because i really enjoyed the time we spent at her hometown and even after all that time spent together, we both had a hard time saying goodbye when both of us have extremely low social batteries. i can confidently say that i get sick and drained after spending an entire day with some friends, but i was extremely sad leaving her after 21 straight days together. 

all in all, i'm just a bit confused and unsure of what to do or think. i have also never mentioned having feelings for her whatsoever, so i'm sure she thinks everything is platonic on my end. is this harmless bestie banter or something more? an outside perspective would be very helpful and hopefully would bring some clarity! thanks ❤️ 

[glows]

It’s a fantasy only. Remember that she identifies as straight. She’s also religious so has limits whether she chooses to adopt them throughout her life or not. 

You’re both very young. No, I would not take anything she’s saying seriously or literally. She can say anything she wants to you in confidence but she’s not an option for dating. 

Be more connected with the queer community in your area and mingle more. You seem isolated. What do you mean by “social battery”? You’ve seen now firsthand what being around poor and not poor company can do so start surrounding yourself with better company. Make new friends and be active in the community. This bestie is a good friend but she’s not the entire world. There’s a whole world out there waiting.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, fruityyn said:

 i am openly queer and she says she is straight, 

You have a crush on her, but she identifies as straight. It's no different than having a crush on someone who only sees you as a friend.