How to proceed

January 29, 2022

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're not screening well or looking in the right places if this is the case.

Ironically distance dating and dating single mothers is causing you more trepidation.

So much so that you're glued to the phone timing response times and not believing a word she says.

I'm a musician, so unfortunately it's the nature of the beast that that's where I'm going to find people to date. I'm not a churchgoer. There are meetup groups, but those people go out for drinks at bars/restaurants too. lol.

How can you screen someone you hardly had much contact with? Ted Bundy won people over with his charm when they first met him. The problem is people hide who they really are at first. Everyone sees things through rose colored glasses at first, but you have to look past that based on their actions. You learn about people through communicating, so if they don't want to communicate much how are you supposed to know? That's the point. The distance won't matter depending on her level of interest much she chooses to keep in touch.

Maybe you can 100% trust people you hardly know. I can't.

Edited January 29, 2022 by Johnson1

January 29, 2022

For me the downside isn't necessarily distance, but very little communication. The further apart you live, the more important it is to communicate on a regular basis, especially in the very beginning.

Edited January 29, 2022 by Johnson1

January 29, 2022

On 1/27/2022 at 9:39 AM, Johnson1 said:

My question is what drove her hubby to cheat? She does hang out a lot with her bff gf spending weekends in this area. She has a bff guy friend who likes her. Maybe she was neglectful to her hubby and he just had enough and that's why he did what he did. I don't know. She has a lot going on in her life. I've basically been a homebody.

This is pure conjecture and a destructive way of thinking. I have a friend who was married to a man for 7 years. She had sex with him every single day and catered to his every whim. He still cheated and then left her. It is unfair to assume she drove him to it, and having that mindset is already tainting any future relationships.

January 29, 2022

3 hours ago, Johnson1 said:

I texted her at 7:47pm and said what I had planned to say, that it was okay and I understood if she was busy with her kids.

About a half hour later she called (for the first time) and we spoke for almost an hour and a half. She didn't offer specifics about what she does while she's with her kids that she ignores her phone. I didn't ask either. We had a nice talk (covered a lot of topics) and everything is still on for today. I definitely feel better about things. I'm going to see her this afternoon.

Enjoy the day. See how it goes.

Hopefully as you get to know one another you’ll have less doubts.

This part stood out to me in an earlier post “My problem is I fall too easily because I have a big heart. I see something Iike and try to stick to it till it ends up biting me in the a**.” It seems very emotional and you’re dating based on your feelings exclusively. Try to use some rationale too and walk away if you know someone or something/a situation isn’t good for you. Take baby steps getting to know one another.

January 29, 2022

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

This is pure conjecture and a destructive way of thinking. I have a friend who was married to a man for 7 years. She had sex with him every single day and catered to his every whim. He still cheated and then left her. It is unfair to assume she drove him to it, and having that mindset is already tainting any future relationships.

I can only speak for myself when I say as long as a woman is treating me good I have no reason to go anywhere else. The same works both ways when housewives get neglected. What do they do? Have affairs.

Right now as we speak I don't think she's being honest with me. The other night she disappeared and said she was with her kids. Okay. The next night (the night before last), we finally spoke. She was at home with her kids because she was talking to one of her kids while we were on the phone. Okay. Last night she disappeared again and told me this morning she had a long night with her kids and she gave her phone to her daughter, that's why she didn't respond to my text last night.. I told her in my text that I would call her this morning so we can work at arrangements for this afternoon. She texted me, and then I tried to call her back but she didn't answer the phone. Then she texted me back a half hour later and said she was on the phone with her mom. Here it is almost 3 hours late and she said she's still on the phone, and texted me 'Sorry, still on the phone. Where would you like to go on our date?' she's been on the phone with her mother for 3 hours? Something's keeping her from wanting to talk to me and I think it's because her husband is there. She told me the other night he would be coming to get them this morning. I'm kind of thinking the reason why she doesn't want to talk and has been falling off the radar is because her husband has been there and has been staying the night. I seriously believe that her husband is there, so she should just be honest about it and stop saying she's on the phone. I'm not going to text her, or if I should I don't know what to say. I want to have a talk with her to find out if there's still something going on between her and her husband. I had this happen 6 months ago. I dated a woman who was supposedly in the process of getting a divorce. She told me she was never going back, then she end up getting back together with him. I need to ask her a point blank through phone call if there's any chance of reconciliation between her and her husband.

Edited January 29, 2022 by Johnson1

January 29, 2022

10 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

I don't think she's being honest with me. I'm kind of thinking the reason why she doesn't want to talk and has been falling off the radar is because her husband has been there and has been staying the night.

That's another problem with distance dating. It's hard to know what's really going on in her local life. She is probably talking to and meeting others, since you're not exclusive and distance dating is a hassle.

January 29, 2022

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's another problem with distance dating. It's hard to know what's really going on in her local life. She is probably talking to and meeting others, since you're not exclusive and distance dating is a hassle.

You're right, it is a problem. The thing is I don't know if it's because of other guys and her going out, or if it's because her husband has been there staying the night. I'm thinking it's because he's been there (and still may be there for all I know). She told me the other night he was coming to pick them up this morning, but now she said he's not coming. I'm kind of wondering if he just left and has been there, or if he's still there. I asked her if she wanted me to pick her up or to meet me somewhere and she said she could just meet me. So she doesn't want me to pick her up at her house for whatever reason. The thing is if her divorce is finally done on Tuesday, why should her kids care if I pick her up to take her out on a date? I'm not asking to go in to meet them. I just spoke with her, and I came this close to asking her if there's still something between her and her husband, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I don't want to start sounding accusatory. I don't know if she's just giving me excuses because he's there or what. Like you said, I have no way of knowing. Something doesn't seem right, but I'm going over to see her later anyway. Maybe we can clarify things over dinner.

Edited January 29, 2022 by Johnson1

January 29, 2022

Kindly, you seem very skeptical.

It is understandable when you meet someone and you are attracted to them but all of her text times, whereabouts, etc., are being carefully scrutinized.

It seems that has been the only topic you've posted about (her whereabouts, text response times, etc.).

Is there a reason why you two don't talk on the phone at least some of the time?

And, more importantly, why is her ex-husband staying with her?

January 29, 2022

16 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Kindly, you seem very skeptical.

It is understandable when you meet someone and you are attracted to them but all of her text times, whereabouts, etc., are being carefully scrutinized.

It seems that has been the only topic you've posted about (her whereabouts, text response times, etc.).

Is there a reason why you two don't talk on the phone at least some of the time?

And, more importantly, why is her ex-husband staying with her?

Please read my replies to other commenters, especially the last one. We have spoke, twice. I don't know if her husband is there or not. That's the problem. She doesn't want me to pick her up at her house for a date when her divorce is final on Tuesday. She's been married for 16 years. That gives me reason to be skeptical, especially since I've been through this with a different woman 6 months ago and she went back to her husband.

Edited January 29, 2022 by Johnson1

January 29, 2022

44 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

You're right, it is a problem. The thing is I don't know if it's because of other guys and her going out, or if it's because her husband has been there staying the night. I'm thinking it's because he's been there (and still may be there for all I know). She told me the other night he was coming to pick them up this morning, but now she said he's not coming. I'm kind of wondering if he just left and has been there, or if he's still there. I asked her if she wanted me to pick her up or to meet me somewhere and she said she could just meet me. So she doesn't want me to pick her up at her house for whatever reason. The thing is if her divorce is finally done on Tuesday, why should her kids care if I pick her up to take her out on a date? I'm not asking to go in to meet them. I just spoke with her, and I came this close to asking her if there's still something between her and her husband, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I don't want to start sounding accusatory. I don't know if she's just giving me excuses because he's there or what. Like you said, I have no way of knowing. Something doesn't seem right, but I'm going over to see her later anyway. Maybe we can clarify things over dinner.

You’re going to be running into multiple issues with someone who isn’t legally divorced yet. Some of us have also been down this road before. Back and front, on the receiving end and the other side.

If you are certain she is not yet divorced then tread with care. Lower your expectations, be a gentleman if you insist she’s worth her salt and go slow.

January 29, 2022

3 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

Please read my replies to other commenters, especially the last one. We have spoke, twice. I don't know if her husband is there or not. That's the problem. She doesn't want me to pick her up at her house for a date when her divorce is final on Tuesday. It's scrutized for a reason. She's been married for 16 years. That's cause for concern, especially since I've been through this with a different woman 6 months ago and she went back to her husband.

So it's date #2?

Well, I think that's the tricky part about dating women who were recently divorced or are going through a divorce.

January 29, 2022

4 minutes ago, glows said:

You’re going to be running into multiple issues with someone who isn’t legally divorced yet. Some of us have also been down this road before. Back and front, on the receiving end and the other side.

If you are certain she is not yet divorced then tread with care. Lower your expectations, be a gentleman if you insist she’s worth her salt and go slow.

She said her divorce is final on Tuesday. I can't say that she's not telling me the truth. Things just seen a little odd. Her telling me she was on the phone for two and a half hours with her mother this morning and her not wanting me to pick her up at her house. Why not if her divorce is final on Tuesday and her and her husband are done?

Edited January 29, 2022 by Johnson1

January 29, 2022

Just now, Johnson1 said:

Her divorce is final on Tuesday. I won't sit here and say that she's not telling me the truth. Just things single little odd. Her telling me she was on the phone for two and a half hours with her mother this morning and her not wanting me to pick her up at her house. Why?

You’re overthinking things and giving yourself whiplash. You were happy a few minutes ago that today was still going as planned and you’d see her. Now you’re anxious again.

Why is it so hard for you to just meet with her today and see how it goes? Knowing someone takes time. You’re rushing things too fast and extremely anxious in the process.

At some point start being smart about this and cut your losses if you’re this uneasy for long periods and can’t shake off the feeling that something isn’t adding up. Don’t wait for her to dump you because you’re suspicious of everything she does.

January 29, 2022

6 minutes ago, glows said:

You’re overthinking things and giving yourself whiplash. You were happy a few minutes ago that today was still going as planned and you’d see her. Now you’re anxious again.

Why is it so hard for you to just meet with her today and see how it goes? Knowing someone takes time. You’re rushing things too fast and extremely anxious in the process.

At some point start being smart about this and cut your losses if you’re this uneasy for long periods and can’t shake off the feeling that something isn’t adding up. Don’t wait for her to dump you because you’re suspicious of everything she does.

So I should have no concern whatsoever that it's possible that she could be considering reconciling with her husband and going out with me in the process while she makes up her mind?

Again, why wouldn't she want me to pick her up at her house? We had a great day we all know the same mutual people she knows I'm a good guy.

Edited January 29, 2022 by Johnson1

January 29, 2022

1 minute ago, Johnson1 said:

So I should have no concern whatsoever that it's possible that she could be reconciling with her husband and going out with me in the process?

Again, why wouldn't she want me to pick her up at her house? We had a great day we all know the same mutual people she knows I'm a good guy.

If a person is deciding to continue to see someone going through a divorce that person needs to leave room for that probability of reconciliation.

Actually anyone can reconcile with an ex. It could even be an old one, not a recent one.

The issue is you don’t know each other and you haven’t allowed the process yet of knowing her. I don’t think, personally, from what you’ve shared about yourself that you’re built to date someone in this situation. 1) you’ve been burnt in the recent past, 2) you jump both feet in using your heart to rule over your head, making it harder for you to walk away.

I don’t know why you’re torturing yourself like this.

Another thought that came to mind is maybe on a deeper level you might feel this is an opportunity to rewrite the outcome of what happened with your ex. You may not be over your own ex yet.

January 29, 2022

18 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

Again, why wouldn't she want me to pick her up at her house? We had a great day we all know the same mutual people she knows I'm a good guy.

It seems odd that she's supposed to know that you're a "good guy" but not the other way around.

Well, OP, your style seems a little possessive and obsessive.

Maybe you'll learn more about each other on the second date if you relax and go on it.

If not, you might want to seriously consider whether this relationship is even one you want to pursue.

Best wishes.

January 29, 2022

10 minutes ago, glows said:

If a person is deciding to continue to see someone going through a divorce that person needs to leave room for that probability of reconciliation.

Actually anyone can reconcile with an ex. It could even be an old one, not a recent one.

The issue is you don’t know each other and you haven’t allowed the process yet of knowing her. I don’t think, personally, from what you’ve shared about yourself that you’re built to date someone in this situation. 1) you’ve been burnt in the recent past, 2) you jump both feet in using your heart to rule over your head, making it harder for you to walk away.

I don’t know why you’re torturing yourself like this.

Another thought that came to mind is maybe on a deeper level you might feel this is an opportunity to rewrite the outcome of what happened with your ex. You may not be over your own ex yet.

I care care less about my ex. That was almost a year ago. As I've said my ex was the biggest drunk narcissist on the planet. She should be so far removed from this conversation. Yes, it is about being burned again by someone who went back to her husband (it wasn't my ex fiance). I just have trouble putting myself out there to get to know someone if they're just going to turn around and go back with their ex. I have a right to know if there's something going on between her and her ex or else why should I waste my time?

January 29, 2022

33 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

Things just seen a little odd. Her telling me she was on the phone for two and a half hours with her mother this morning and her not wanting me to pick her up at her house.

These are not odd at all. Women with kids usually do not want strange men showing up at their homes. Women with kids talking to her mother a lot is not strange either. What's strange is dating women with kids in the throes of divorce and the paranoia about her husband and not being glued to the phone .

January 29, 2022

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

These are not odd at all. Women with kids usually do not want strange men showing up at their homes. Women with kids talking to her mother a lot is not strange either. What's strange is dating women with kids in the throes of divorce and the paranoia about her husband and not being glued to the phone .

First of all I'm not glued to the phone. I have it near me in case of emergencies like most people do. I don't ignore it for that reason. I don't think picking her up at home is strange at all unless she's concerned about someone other than myself (like her ex), which is understandable depending on why. I went out with women where I picked them up and they had kids, I just didn't go inside to meet them. I'm sure they know she's 4 days away from a final divorce. Besides, I could be one of her girlfriends picking her up or her BFF guy friend.

January 29, 2022

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

It seems odd that she's supposed to know that you're a "good guy" but not the other way around.

Well, OP, your style seems a little possessive and obsessive.

Maybe you'll learn more about each other on the second date if you relax and go on it.

If not, you might want to seriously consider whether this relationship is even one you want to pursue.

Best wishes.

I'm not going through a divorce and going to see HER. Why would I waste my time traveling 2.5 hours one way if I was messing around with somebody here?

It's not about being possessive, it's about being cautious. Guarding my heart. You don't do that? That's the difference. I just believe in being courteous when responding. It's funny, but the women I dated in the past the first thing out of their mouths was concern about whether or not it was over my ex's. I'm not allowed to have that same concern?

January 29, 2022

I'm just very courteous, especially starting out dating. I'll give you an example. I was on the phone with my sister the other night when she called and I couldn't take her call, but I called her back in 15 minutes (my sister and I had already been on the phone for 20 minutes).

I wanted to give her the courtesy of not thinking it's more important that I stay on the 3-hour call then get back to her in a reasonable amount of time. I could always call my sister back after I was done and my sister would understand.

Edited January 29, 2022 by Johnson1

January 29, 2022

Do you know her exact address? If not there's a reason why...lots of women would rather wait, and just meet in public for the first little while. Second, you have had one date? Then arrange for a second. Texting in between isn't really required. You do a confirmation call or text before second date. That's it. Then you just play it by ear and see how it goes. Fretting over something like this is sabotaging things. Have good/positive things in your thoughts instead. Over thinking is a buzz killer. Sometimes it sets the mood for a poor outlook.

January 29, 2022

1 hour ago, Johnson1 said:

I'm not going through a divorce and going to see HER. Why would I waste my time traveling 2.5 hours one way if I was messing around with somebody here?

It's not about being possessive, it's about being cautious. Guarding my heart. You don't do that? That's the difference. I just believe in being courteous when responding. It's funny, but the women I dated in the past the first thing out of their mouths was concern about whether or not it was over my ex's. I'm not allowed to have that same concern?

Going slowly at first is part of guarding one's heart.

This sounds like you want it to go from 0 to 60 in two dates.

Is there a reason you want to accelerate things so quickly?

And, yes, her text response times are courteous to a point. Not by responding in order to allay your fears and doubts.

It is also human nature to worry if someone has moved on from their ex. But I'm not sure that was a biggie; after all, why date someone who was probably on the uptick or who, in some ways, transferring her affections onto you and not seeing you for who and what you are?

January 29, 2022

3 hours ago, Johnson1 said:

I'm just very courteous, especially starting out dating. I'll give you an example. I was on the phone with my sister the other night when she called and I couldn't take her call, but I called her back in 15 minutes (my sister and I had already been on the phone for 20 minutes).

I wanted to give her the courtesy of not thinking it's more important that I stay on the 3-hour call then get back to her in a reasonable amount of time. I could always call my sister back after I was done and my sister would understand.

I'm the same @Johnson1and keep having to remind myself that not everyone is!

This was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn, that not everyone is going to respond and act as I do. This applies to all situations, not just dating and relationships.

Once I learned that, it became much easier to accept others and how they choose to respond and behave even tho different from me, and not stress or overthink too much about it.

I don't even believe in mirroring anymore. I do what I want. I text when I want, I reply when I want, I don't ever think - well HE waited X hours/days to respond, I will wait X hours/days to respond!

Ugh, that is a game I refuse to play.

And my dating experiences have been much more fun and relaxed as a result.

I think we all tend to feel anxious and uncertain when starting out, but I think it's important to manage that anxiety/uncertainty in a healthy way, like I mentioned earlier, doing yoga, going for a run or any other type of exercise.

Otherwise, you will unknowingly project that anxious energy in your communications and actions, which I can see you're doing even now.

Going back and forth between excitement, annoyance and even anger.

Last I read, you have a date scheduled so focus on that, and gave a great time!

Edited January 29, 2022 by poppyfields

January 30, 2022

13 hours ago, Johnson1 said:

You're right, it is a problem. The thing is I don't know if it's because of other guys and her going out, or if it's because her husband has been there staying the night. I'm thinking it's because he's been there (and still may be there for all I know). She told me the other night he was coming to pick them up this morning, but now she said he's not coming. I'm kind of wondering if he just left and has been there, or if he's still there. I asked her if she wanted me to pick her up or to meet me somewhere and she said she could just meet me. So she doesn't want me to pick her up at her house for whatever reason. The thing is if her divorce is finally done on Tuesday, why should her kids care if I pick her up to take her out on a date? I'm not asking to go in to meet them. I just spoke with her, and I came this close to asking her if there's still something between her and her husband, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I don't want to start sounding accusatory. I don't know if she's just giving me excuses because he's there or what. Like you said, I have no way of knowing. Something doesn't seem right, but I'm going over to see her later anyway. Maybe we can clarify things over dinner.

Man , this is all so out of whack where to begin. But for starters , it may take her kids yrs yet l can't believe you think their divorce is through kids are fine, they know nothing about divorce . It could be 5yrs yet. The rest, sounds crazy how long have you known doesn't sound long, l haven't read all. Another from what l can tell you were texting her about another date when she's just told you she's on the ph to her mum , yeah mate, women easily talk 3hrs to their mum my ex w did all the time. Why didn't you just relax speaking of courtesy go do your thing she'll get back to you. Was it mum ex hub or whoever, who knows.

As far as when to what yeah agree with pop never been any rules for me or ex w or gf, whenever, but obviously if one's busy they'll get back whenever too. But tbh it already seems so much bs and you don't even know the woman yet, won't bother with anything else but that's usually not a good sign. And it really sounds like your forcing it and square pegs into round holes too.

Edited January 30, 2022 by chillii

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