How to proceed

January 27, 2022

8 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

You're right, I won't think on it anymore tonight. I'll see if she responds tomorrow and if she divulges why she never responded today. We've been texting every day except for today. Why, I have no idea.

It’s easy to fall in that line of thinking that texting means this is going anywhere but that may not be the case. Some don’t text often or have other worries and things to tend to.

Spend more time planning dates, refuse to get caught up in the texting game. A little mystery is a good thing too.

The only thing to be focusing on is whether she’s your cup of tea and whether you’re compatible on bigger issues such as whether you are able to date someone with kids. There may be concessions and sacrifices you’ll have to make as her dating life always comes second. Her kids are her top priority. Perhaps you both may not be compatible or have different kinds of thoughts and worries on a day to day basis. See how things go and take it one day at a time.

January 27, 2022

2 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s easy to fall in that line of thinking that texting means this is going anywhere but that may not be the case. Some don’t text often or have other worries and things to tend to.

Spend more time planning dates, refuse to get caught up in the texting game. A little mystery is a good thing too.

The only thing to be focusing on is whether she’s your cup of tea and whether you’re compatible on bigger issues such as whether you are able to date someone with kids. There may be concessions and sacrifices you’ll have to make as her dating life always comes second. Her kids are her top priority. Perhaps you both may not be compatible or have different kinds of thoughts and worries on a day to day basis. See how things go and take it one day at a time.

Our first date was picture perfect and she said she's enthralled with me, but at this early stage it's too early to tell if she just wants a fling or something more. She has a guy bff and she told me he's interested in her, but she doesn't feel that way about him. That's cool. I believe her. She did tell me she divorced her ex of 16 years because he was cheating on her. Whether or not he did it because she gave him reason to think she was, I don't know. Again, too early to tell. For now she seems like someone who has a lot of integity and her bff gf said she's a great person. She has a lot of admirers on social media, but her pics are sweet and classy, so I won't assume anything there. Who knows. Her ex might just have trust issues for no reason or can't help himself. She said she never gave him any reason to doubt her. I'll have to see for myself. The bottom line is, I would be willing to take all the way and uproot my life in time if things work out and she makes me feel she's trustworthy, but it depends on how much time and how we progress. It would have to be VERY special and I wouldn't even consider moving unless I knew for a fact we were rock solid for at least a couple of years. It wouldn't be worth it to keep traveling all that way for months on end if I feel she's not serious, especially if she doesn't to bring me into her inner circle where she lives. That would be a huge red flag. I won't assume anything bad because she didn't respond tonight. I'll see if I hear from her tomorrow and if so, what she says. A sign of someone who is honest is someone who cares enough to be forthcoming without leaving things to assumption. My ex fiance hid things. I'll definitely be vigilant of that this time.

January 27, 2022

9 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

She has a guy bff and she told me he's interested in her, but she doesn't feel that way about him. That's cool. I believe her.

I don't think it's cool at all. She might call him a bff, but a true bff doesn't have feelings. This guy is an orbiter, waiting and hoping that she will give him love. It's beyond selfish of her to keep him so close when she knows he wants more.

January 27, 2022

57 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I don't think it's cool at all. She might call him a bff, but a true bff doesn't have feelings. This guy is an orbiter, waiting and hoping that she will give him love. It's beyond selfish of her to keep him so close when she knows he wants more.

I know, but I'm kinda guilty of the same thing though, so I can't throw stones. I'm best friends with a singer I've known for years who's always wanted to be with me, but she's good with just being friends. I have no romantic interest in her whatsoever. She's just a good person. What else can I do? I don't have any other friends I roll with and I can't just say to her we can't be friends anymore after all this time. She would think I hate her or she did something wrong. As a matter of fact I'm hanging out with her on Friday night. Her and I are going to hang out over a couples house she's friends with. That's why I'm not concerned about my girl having a bff guy friend. Although I have to see how much she minds bringing me to meet her bff and his reaction to me. My friend was always friendly with my ex's when I brought them around and she never cared. She was always nice to them. I think if there was any interest in her guy bff she wouldn't be going with me, but she would have to bring me around him and he'd have to be cool with it like my friend would be, otherwise that would be a problem. The only way to tell if everything is on the up and up is to see how they interact and how they both act towards me in their presence.

Funny, but I haven't told her about my bff. Not that I was hiding it. I honestly didn't think of mentioning it to her when she told me about her bff. I guess I was too focused on what to think about her bff. lol

It's nuts. LOL. We'll see how it all pans out.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Johnson1

January 27, 2022

The big difference here is I've never hung out with my bff alone while I was with any of my ex's. I would go for weeks, even months without seeing her. Most of the time the only time I see my bff is when I go the jam where plays so I can sing. There's only been a handful of times we've hung out outside of where she plays.

January 27, 2022

Her response this morning:

Gm!! Late night with my kidlets. Nice reprieve with the freezy weather today! I'm sucky at being in point with text sometimes - I'm sorry.

The reply about the weather was unnecessary. Nothing has changed with the weather. It's been cold. She didn't even bother to write out 'Good morning'. No pics posted online of her having fun with kidlets. Hold on, my gut is calling....again. Ignoring it is what I do best. I just find it hard to believe that with her bff gf over in my area missing her (as tied to the hip as they are) and everything else, between me and her social media world that she didn't bother to look at her phone once the entire night to check to see if she got any messages. Sounds fishy. Well, I'm not going to be too quick to respond. I can tell ya that much.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Johnson1

January 27, 2022

You seem to be bouncing between extremes. Are you always like this when dating? One minute you’re saying you’re willing to uproot your life if she is genuine and the next minute you’re suspicious of a good morning text.

I did catch an ex-fiancée in there. How long ago was the break up?

January 27, 2022

53 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

Her response this morning:

Gm!! Late night with my kidlets. Nice reprieve with the freezy weather today! I'm sucky at being in point with text sometimes - I'm sorry.

The reply about the weather was unnecessary. Nothing has changed with the weather. It's been cold. She didn't even bother to write out 'Good morning'. No pics posted online of her having fun with kidlets. Hold on, my gut is calling....again. Ignoring it is what I do best. I just find it hard to believe that with her bff gf over in my area missing her (as tied to the hip as they are) and everything else, between me and her social media world that she didn't bother to look at her phone once the entire night to check to see if she got any messages. Sounds fishy. Well, I'm not going to be too quick to respond. I can tell ya that much.

It sounds like you're in my age bracket. I am a texter, but I don't put any stock into texting response times/value of content, etc., because I know not everyone my age is as comfortable with technology as I am (and many my age do not view it as a serious/valid form of communication.) Another sign of my age is that I text in complete sentences with proper punctuation. Not everyone does. Because of that, text messages can easily be misinterpreted. You should not use texting as your only/main form of communication if you don't feel comfortable with texting or worry so much about interpreting her response times, etc. You'll drive yourself insane. Do you ever talk on the phone? It's very early in the relationship, but maybe you could ask her if she's okay with a phone call once in awhile. Personally, I hate talking on the phone and prefer texting, but maybe a phone call once in awhile is more her style and would put you more at ease.

January 27, 2022

43 minutes ago, glows said:

You seem to be bouncing between extremes. Are you always like this when dating? One minute you’re saying you’re willing to uproot your life if she is genuine and the next minute you’re suspicious of a good morning text.

I did catch an ex-fiancée in there. How long ago was the break up?

It's been about 9 months since my ex fiance and I split. She was a horrible drinker who would polish off a bottle of Yeager, slur words and start fights. I've had more than 1 person including her own mom who saw her drive nice guys out of her life. She also had a 13 year sex buddy that she deleted text messages from, then lied about blocking him.

Right now everything is tentative with her and I. I'm just saying I would go that route for the right person, but at the moment it's questionable. It is usual for people to completely ignore their phones these days, especially if they have a lot going on with friends. My question is what drove her hubby to cheat? She does hang out a lot with her bff gf spending weekends in this area. She has a bff guy friend who likes her. Maybe she was neglectful to her hubby and he just had enough and that's why he did what he did. I don't know. She has a lot going on in her life. I've basically been a homebody.

January 27, 2022

34 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

It sounds like you're in my age bracket. I am a texter, but I don't put any stock into texting response times/value of content, etc., because I know not everyone my age is as comfortable with technology as I am (and many my age do not view it as a serious/valid form of communication.) Another sign of my age is that I text in complete sentences with proper punctuation. Not everyone does. Because of that, text messages can easily be misinterpreted. You should not use texting as your only/main form of communication if you don't feel comfortable with texting or worry so much about interpreting her response times, etc. You'll drive yourself insane. Do you ever talk on the phone? It's very early in the relationship, but maybe you could ask her if she's okay with a phone call once in awhile. Personally, I hate talking on the phone and prefer texting, but maybe a phone call once in awhile is more her style and would put you more at ease.

I agree 100%. Texting is a great way to put people on hold (guilty or not), and a lot gets misinterpreted. Text should only be used for mild correspondence, like ' Hi babe, I'm on may way home', things if that sort. Not when trying to get to know each other in the beginning. She may have been out with her guy bff or a group of friends and didn't want to text me in front of them since we're not official. I can also picture her not wanting to be honest about, which I don't blame her. It could be innocent, but if she texted me the truth that she didn't want to talk because she's hanging out with her guy bff I'm sure she'd figure I'd get the wrong impression. I might if roles were reversed. I think a lot of people would. The question is, are innocent white lies okay? No, I haven't talked to her about calling. I think I remember her saying on our date that she wasn't much of a talker on the phone, so I don't feel comfortable asking.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Johnson1

January 27, 2022

I don't know. I'm starting to feel like I'm barking up the wrong tree again. I'm debating on whether or not to go see her. I think I'm last on her priority list. I'm not asking to take a lot of her time. Just a quick, simple acknowledgement once a day would be nice, especially if she says she's so 'enthralled' with me.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Johnson1

January 27, 2022

2 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

I don't know. I'm starting to feel like I'm barking up the wrong tree again. I'm debating on whether or not to go see her. I think I'm last on her priority list. I'm not asking to take a lot of her time. Just a quick, simple acknowledgement once a day would nice.

The fact that you are over 2 hours away might be a factor for her. She probably is not thinking long term, that you might be willing to relocate if this relationship works. That being said, I don't see anything wrong with going to see her. It's very, very early and you don't know where this could lead unless you explore the possibilities. Try not to overthink the situation and just go with the flow, if you can. Chillax and just have fun and enjoy her company, if you can, with no expectations other than living in the moment.

January 27, 2022

35 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

The fact that you are over 2 hours away might be a factor for her. She probably is not thinking long term, that you might be willing to relocate if this relationship works. That being said, I don't see anything wrong with going to see her. It's very, very early and you don't know where this could lead unless you explore the possibilities. Try not to overthink the situation and just go with the flow, if you can. Chillax and just have fun and enjoy her company, if you can, with no expectations other than living in the moment.

I know. I'm not sure how to breach the subject of long term or if that's something I should even mention. I don't mean to jump the gun, but it's such a long way to drive for someone who's only intention may be to keep it permanently casual. I can find that locally. Her ex made great money from what she told me, so she's living comfortably with no problems. I, on the other hand am struggling a little and have my only sick pet at home that is slowly dying and needs constant wet food to maintain what little weight he has, so I can't leave him for too long. I'd only be able to spend about 4 hours with her, then turn around and come back home. She said she'd only be able to get out this way every other week at best.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Johnson1

January 27, 2022

2 hours ago, Johnson1 said:

Well, I'm not going to be too quick to respond. I can tell ya that much.

Playing games won't resolve the issue of the distance or barely knowing her.

Text response times and whether she travels with her friends are strange ways to assess a dating situation with someone long distance. You already don't trust her.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

January 27, 2022

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Playing games won't resolve the issue of the distance or barely knowing her.

Text response times and whether she travels with her friends are strange ways to assess a dating situation with someone long distance. You already don't trust her.

I wouldn't go as far as saying I don't trust her. I just know very little about her at this point, so if course there's a little apprehension, especially with all the things I've seen. It's not that I'm playing games, just mirroring because I have to. I can't respond quickly to her texts if she's not going to do the same. It would only take her 5 minutes of her time to say, hey I'm hanging with my kids we're doing blah blah blah blah, hope you had a good day too. Point is, I can't get to know if she chooses not to fill me In a little on her life.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Johnson1

January 27, 2022

48 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

I know. I'm not sure how to breach the subject of long term or if that's something I should even mention. I don't mean to jump the gun, but it's such a long way to drive for someone who's only intention may be to keep it permanently casual. I can find that locally. Her ex made great money from what she told me, so she's living comfortably with no problems. I, on the other hand am struggling a little and have my only sick pet at home that is slowly dying and needs constant wet food to maintain what little weight he has, so I can't leave him for too long. I'd only be able to spend about 4 hours with her, then turn around and come back home. She said she'd only be able to get out this way every other week at best.

I do see where you're coming from and yes, I absolutely agree with you that this scenario isn't ideal. Perhaps all this conversation is also leading up to the decision to finally walk away from this because it is actually set up for failure.

The distance is discouraging, added to the fact that she doesn't communicate as often as you'd like (once per day via text message) and you're questioning everything from her social media photos and comments, her whereabouts and her male friend's intentions. There is so much distance and space inbetween you physically that it affects the way you build a bond together or communicate.

If FWBs are ready and available (you being a man so it's a little harder to find no strings attached sex these days), why can't you date more critically and narrow your search of a partner, someone you date not just have sex with, to your locale or within a closer range to where you live? You took a chance on this, explored the avenue and now it's time to turn around. There's no reason to keep wondering about what if. It's not working.

Edited January 27, 2022 by glows

January 27, 2022

1 hour ago, glows said:

I do see where you're coming from and yes, I absolutely agree with you that this scenario isn't ideal. Perhaps all this conversation is also leading up to the decision to finally walk away from this because it is actually set up for failure.

The distance is discouraging, added to the fact that she doesn't communicate as often as you'd like (once per day via text message) and you're questioning everything from her social media photos and comments, her whereabouts and her male friend's intentions. There is so much distance and space inbetween you physically that it affects the way you build a bond together or communicate.

If FWBs are ready and available (you being a man so it's a little harder to find no strings attached sex these days), why can't you date more critically and narrow your search of a partner, someone you date not just have sex with, to your locale or within a closer range to where you live? You took a chance on this, explored the avenue and now it's time to turn around. There's no reason to keep wondering about what if. It's not working.

Well said. As interested as she is even she mentioned about the obstacles we face between the distance and me needing to be here for my pet. She said she understands, but I asked her if she wanted to go out again anyway, which she agreed to this Saturday. I told her that I'd like to continue where we left off since our date went so well. I think she's looking forward to it, but by the same token she probably has her own doubt as far as the whether we can make it work in the long run. I've been out on 3 dates over the last 5 months in my area and they were all train wrecks. The last one I met while out playing, she started talking to me, we hit it off, then went back to her place. We were having a nice time and getting along great, then she drank a almost to where she was passing out and said out of the clear blue, 'if you knew more about me you'd run', 'I love you, but I hate you', and 'You need to leave before I shoot you'. We both got up, I walked out and she closed the door behind me. I was like 'WTF?' Then the next day she called, texted and acted like nothing happened. I never answered back until she texted me I had left my jacket at her house which I had to go back to get. When I saw her I told her what she'd said that night and she apologized and said she was going through PTSD and was in counseling because of her ex cheating on her. She also had some long time guy friend staying with her (no sex going on according to her). I also found out she had been arrested for punching her ex. Nice huh? Needless to say I didn't contact her again. This is why I've all but giving up dating in my area. The two others were fly-by-nights still going through divorces. It's just how my luck rolls around where I am. This one I have the date with on Saturday is so much different. She's more responsible and down to earth, is more reserved, doesn't drink a lot, but has a lot going between work, all her friends and family to where I'm wondering how much of a priority I'd be. The thing is, I'm not looking. All of them came up to me and I just went along because they were attractive, but then I'm the one who ended up doing more of the pursuing. It always left me out in the cold, so now that this one taking so long to respond it makes me want to back off a little. My problem is I fall too easily because I have a big heart. I see something Iike and try to stick to it till it ends up biting me in the a**. All I would like to have is normalcy (whatever normalcy looks like) I'm tired of bopping around town. I was married for 30 years, but at this age there isn't any such thing as normalcy and stability. Everyone's jaded and cynical because of their past. I'll always try to see the best in people because that's all I can do. I haven't responded back to her yet, but if I don't I don't know if she will a second time. Like what's been said, I have to mirror. Me waiting is letting her know in an unspoken way that I appreciate more communication.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Johnson1

January 27, 2022

7 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

When I saw her I told her what she'd said that night and she apologized and said she was going through PTSD and was in counseling because of her ex cheating on her. She also had some long time guy friend staying with her (no sex going on according to her). I also found out she had been arrested for punching her ex. Nice huh?

Those are all excuses for her bad behavior. It's a good thing you ran.

7 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

This one I have the date with on Saturday is so much different. She's more responsible and down to earth, is more reserved, doesn't drink a lot, but has a lot going between work, all her friends and family to where I'm wondering how much of a priority I'd be.

You won't really know until you give it a little more time. Maybe this meeting on Saturday will give you a little more insight. You've nothing to lose, at this point.

9 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

The thing is, I'm not looking. All of them came up to me and I just went along because they were attractive, but then I'm the one who ended up doing more of the pursuing. It always left me out in the cold, so now that this one taking so long to respond it makes me want to back off a little.

You're lucky, then, to have been approached numerous times. When you find the right one, they will be as responsive and willing to communicate with you as you are with them. Like I said, see this one on Saturday to give you a little more info as to whether there is any future. If not, no big loss. She wasn't the one for you.

13 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

My problem is I fall too easily because I have a big heart. I see something Iike and try to stick to it till it ends up biting me in the a**. All I would like to have is normalcy (whatever normalcy looks like) I'm tired of bopping around town. I was married for 30 years, but at this age there isn't any such thing as normalcy and stability. Everyone's jaded and cynical because of their past. I'll always try to see the best in people because that's all I can do. I haven't responded back to her yet, but if I don't I don't know if she will a second time. Like what's been said, I have to mirror. Me waiting is letting her know in an unspoken way that I appreciate more communication.

This is why I am saying you have to figure out a way to relax and not have so many expectations of someone you've just met and with whom you've only had one date. I have high hopes that you're wrong about there not being normalcy and stability at our age. That being said, I've had some horrible online dating experiences lately, so you might be right. I hope not! I like to believe I just haven't come across the right person, yet, but I will. Eventually. You should hold out for the right person. It won't be so hard when you meet the right person. (I hope - at least that's what I keep telling myself! )

January 27, 2022

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

Those are all excuses for her bad behavior. It's a good thing you ran.

You won't really know until you give it a little more time. Maybe this meeting on Saturday will give you a little more insight. You've nothing to lose, at this point.

You're lucky, then, to have been approached numerous times. When you find the right one, they will be as responsive and willing to communicate with you as you are with them. Like I said, see this one on Saturday to give you a little more info as to whether there is any future. If not, no big loss. She wasn't the one for you.

This is why I am saying you have to figure out a way to relax and not have so many expectations of someone you've just met and with whom you've only had one date. I have high hopes that you're wrong about there not being normalcy and stability at our age. That being said, I've had some horrible online dating experiences lately, so you might be right. I hope not! I like to believe I just haven't come across the right person, yet, but I will. Eventually. You should hold out for the right person. It won't be so hard when you meet the right person. (I hope - at least that's what I keep telling myself! )

LOL..... We'll see. I'm going to hold out as long as possible today before I reply back. Hopefully she'll reply back again before I do. It would be nice to see how much she cares. The thing is I don't know if she's worried why I haven't responded back yet and respond again later out of concern, or get mad herself because she thinks I'm mad, then wait another day after I respond back to her later. Ya got all that? It almost feels like a test of who cares more. Of course I'll end up losing because I'm a big hearted sap. I don't want it to be a battle of who can go longest without texting. I'll probably be the one replying back first at some point today, especially after she said she was sorry for not getting back to me last night. I'm trying not to assume she didn't for the wrong reasons. I just can't see why she chose to ignore her phone all night.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Johnson1

January 27, 2022

I'll probably end up responding back to her later and say, 'That's okay, I understand if you were busy with the kids'. If it's not true she'll have to deal with being dishonest.

January 28, 2022

What was the last message from her?

Avoid mind games. They’re very childish. If this isn’t working for you call it off. Don’t try to force something that neither of you have any heart for.

January 28, 2022

13 hours ago, Johnson1 said:

'That's okay, I understand if you were busy with the kids'. If it's not true she'll have to deal with being dishonest.

This isn't working. You're too distrustful and focused on text-tethering.

Date local childless women you can see in person on a regular basis.

January 29, 2022

On 1/28/2022 at 3:27 AM, glows said:

What was the last message from her?

Avoid mind games. They’re very childish. If this isn’t working for you call it off. Don’t try to force something that neither of you have any heart for.

I texted her at 7:47pm and said what I had planned to say, that it was okay and I understood if she was busy with her kids.

About a half hour later she called (for the first time) and we spoke for almost an hour and a half. She didn't offer specifics about what she does while she's with her kids that she ignores her phone. I didn't ask either. We had a nice talk (covered a lot of topics) and everything is still on for today. I definitely feel better about things. I'm going to see her this afternoon.

January 29, 2022

On 1/28/2022 at 5:49 AM, Wiseman2 said:

This isn't working. You're too distrustful and focused on text-tethering.

Date local childless women you can see in person on a regular basis.

Good childless women are hard to find, especially around here. Everyone's a party girl with a dgaf attitude. Like I said bro, if you'd seen and been through some of the crap I've been through over the last 8 yesrs you learn real quick to take things at face value until you hear and see otherwise.

Edited January 29, 2022 by Johnson1

January 29, 2022

4 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

. Everyone's a party girl with a dgaf attitude.

You're not screening well or looking in the right places if this is the case.

Ironically distance dating and dating single mothers is causing you more trepidation.

So much so that you're glued to the phone timing response times and not believing a word she says.

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