How to proceed

[Johnson1]

No matter how old I get it never gets easier when it comes to dating. Ugh. What is the texting protocol after a great date? I texted her this morning and even though it took her a few hours to respond (she was out shopping with her gf, which I know for a fact, which is good), she's very interested and would like to make plans to get together again. In her last text she said I could text her anytime, but should I? She waited 3 hours after my initial good morning text and my  2nd response was only 15 minutes. Then she waited another 3.5 hours to respond back again. I don't want to seem over eager or needy by responding back too quickly, but I don't want her to think anything bad by waiting too long either (even though she kinda did that by waiting 3 hours this morning). Freak me out a little bit to be honest. I thought something was wrong. When we texted after our date last night she was prompt at responding, but not today. I met her through a mutual friend (who told me how amazing she is) and we all hung out, so I know she's a sweet, good woman. She may just be thinking the same way I'm thinking that she doesn't want to seem over eager either. I don't know.

Edited January 24, 2022 by Johnson1

[Cersei]

I don't put a lot of weight into how quickly people respond. Sometimes I reply fast, others hours later. People have lives and don't need to be a slave to their phone.  Don't over think this. She said text anytime. It means she is interested in you and wants to keep communicating.

[basil67]

Sounds good to me so far.  The only flaw I can find in your thinking is that you are assuming she deliberately waited to answer you, and possibly that she's not wanting to seem over eager.

But another option is that she was out with her friend and focusing on that.  So, if she had answered, it would have been a "Hi, nice to hear from you....can't talk now as I'm out with my  friend" which would be a waste of time.   Alternately, if she did answer and had a texting exchange, it would be rude to her friend.   So leaving the text hanging till she could respond was probably the best choice.  

Always, remember that the beauty of texts is that they can be left until it's convenient to answer.   It's perfectly normal to not be at the beck and call of our devices.

That said, if she was on her phone all through your date, then please ignore all my advice above

[basil67]

duplicate post

Edited January 24, 2022 by basil67

[Johnson1]

6 minutes ago, Cersei said:

I don't put a lot of weight into how quickly people respond. Sometimes I reply fast, others hours later. People have lives and don't need to be a slave to their phone.  Don't over think this. She said text anytime. It means she is interested in you and wants to keep communicating.

It's been a few hours since her last text, but I just responded. I can appreciate when people are busy, as she was today with her friend. I know what you mean about over-thinking it. You'd think I'd know by now, but every person is different. I just have to learn her preferences. She lives 2.5 hours away, so we'll probably only get to see each other 'maybe' once per week, or every other week. It's tough. I don't want to text too much either because texting conversations can become mundane. 

[ShyViolet]

You really need to stop overthinking this and putting her texting behavior under a microscope.  That's not going to help you in any way.  Just ask her out on a second date, make a plan, and spend time with her in person to get to know her.

[Johnson1]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sounds good to me so far.  The only flaw I can find in your thinking is that you are assuming she deliberately waited to answer you, and possibly that she's not wanting to seem over eager.

But another option is that she was out with her friend and focusing on that.  So, if she had answered, it would have been a "Hi, nice to hear from you....can't talk now as I'm out with my  friend" which would be a waste of time.   Alternately, if she did answer and had a texting exchange, it would be rude to her friend.   So leaving the text hanging till she could respond was probably the best choice.  

Always, remember that the beauty of texts is that they can be left until it's convenient to answer.   It's perfectly normal to not be at the beck and call of our devices.

That said, if she was on her phone all through your date, then please ignore all my advice above

Excellent. Didn't think to look at it that way. No she wasn't on her phone hardly during our date, only to check out vids and pics her friend posted of all 3 of us out having fun. What's weird is we've been friends on social media for a while now, however we didn't meet or get together that way. We all met up by happenstance through mutual friends band event. We all have tons of mutual friends in this area. Another thing is wondering how much I should 'like' or 'love' her posts now. We're not in a relationship and I don't want to give her friends the idea that she's taken if she doesn't them to think that.

[basil67]

With regards to social media, can I ask how old you are?  It's just that I'm Gen X, so if you're 30, then I will let someone closer to your age answer 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Johnson1 said:

I texted her this morning and even though it took her a few hours to respond (she was out shopping with her gf, which I know for a fact, which is good), she's very interested and would like to make plans to get together again. In her last text she said I could text her anytime,

I bolded what's relevant and what you should be focusing on.

Versus stressing and overthinking how quickly she responds to text messages? 

I could understand several days but we are talking only a few HOURS, relax!  Lol

Unless it's to confirm the time or place for a date that night, a response within 24 hours is what's standard imo and experience.

People have busy lives and don't always have their phone available (I don’t), three hours is nothing. 

Try and get rid of negative thinking, it's the kiss of death especially in these very early stages. 

Have fun!

 

Edited January 24, 2022 by poppyfields

[Johnson1]

15 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You really need to stop overthinking this and putting her texting behavior under a microscope.  That's not going to help you in any way.  Just ask her out on a second date, make a plan, and spend time with her in person to get to know her.

I know, and I understand. It's not that I'm putting her under a microscope. It's just that we didn't get a chance to talk about preferences as far as communication after our date. You know how it is. That's why dating can be a pain. You don't know what each other are thinking. That's why I think communication is important when you first start out.

[ShyViolet]

2 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

I know, and I understand. It's not that I'm putting her under a microscope. It's just that we didn't get a chance to talk about preferences as far as communication after our date. You know how it is. That's why dating can be a pain. You don't know what each other are thinking. That's why I think communication is important when you first start out.

I don't think people typically spell out their communication "preferences" after a first date, like explicitly saying how often they like to text or how long they take to reply to a text.  It's just something you feel out and don't overthink too much.  If you notice that the other person doesn't text super often, and takes a few hours to reply, then you should take that as a cue and you shouldn't text her super often either.  Try to kind of mirror how often she texts.  Give her the space that she seems to want.  Texting is not a substitute for in-person interaction.  Focus on how things go when you see her in person.

[Johnson1]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I bolded what's relevant and what you should be focusing on.

Versus stressing and overthinking how quickly she responds to text messages? 

I could understand several days but we are talking only a few HOURS, relax!  Lol

Unless it's to confirm the time or place for a date that night, a response within 24 hours is what's standard imo and experience.

People have busy lives and don't always have their phone available (I don’t), three hours is nothing. 

Try and get rid of negative thinking, it's the kiss of death especially in these very early stages. 

Have fun!

 

Thanks. I know. She's unlike anyone I've dated recently (or have even been in relationships with, as far as I can tell thus far. It's unique, in a good way. I've run into some cuckoo's dating recently. You have no idea. lol. She's not by any means. Thank you!

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Johnson1 said:

That's why dating can be a pain...

Dating shouldn't be a 'pain' imo; dating, getting to know each other, even with a little bit of uncertainty, should be fun!   

Learn to embrace that bit of uncertainty, it increases attraction and can be exciting!  

Re communicating texting styles on first few dates, I never found that necessary.  Not when you're vibing and connecting. 

You kind of just "go with the flow" which means at times she (or you) may respond immediately, at other times, a few hours.  Depending on her/your day and what you're doing. 

That said, I DO understand at times you may feel anxious, par for the course in these precarious early stages. 

Learn to manage it, I do Yoga, which calms me or sometimes I go for a run. 

Don't underestimate, it really helps!  

[Johnson1]

39 minutes ago, basil67 said:

With regards to social media, can I ask how old you are?  It's just that I'm Gen X, so if you're 30, then I will let someone closer to your age answer 

Too old. Generation A. Younger than 65 and older than 40. LOL....not always wiser though. Dating and being in relationships when you're older is more difficult for sure. People are more cynical and jaded because of so many past experiences.

[Johnson1]

25 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Dating shouldn't be a 'pain' imo; dating, getting to know each other, even with a little bit of uncertainty, should be fun!   

Learn to embrace that bit of uncertainty, it increases attraction and can be exciting!  

Re communicating texting styles on first few dates, I never found that necessary.  Not when you're vibing and connecting. 

You kind of just "go with the flow" which means at times she (or you) may respond immediately, at other times, a few hours.  Depending on her/your day and what you're doing. 

That said, I DO understand at times you may feel anxious, par for the course in these precarious early stages. 

Learn to manage it, I do Yoga, which calms me or sometimes I go for a run. 

Don't underestimate, it really helps!  

Funny you should mention. I'd like to do stuff like yoga. I've always wanted to give it try. I could use a good de-stressing. lol. Even though I'm a musician and know tons of people, some of whom she's also friends with, she's busier with family and is out and about with friends more than I am these days. I'm okay. Like everyone said, just over-thinking it. I'm very caring and it works against ya sometimes.

Edited January 24, 2022 by Johnson1

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Johnson1 said:

It's been a few hours since her last text, but I just responded. I can appreciate when people are busy, as she was today with her friend. I know what you mean about over-thinking it. You'd think I'd know by now, but every person is different. I just have to learn her preferences. She lives 2.5 hours away, so we'll probably only get to see each other 'maybe' once per week, or every other week. It's tough. I don't want to text too much either because texting conversations can become mundane. 

Why her given the distance?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Johnson1 said:

 She lives 2.5 hours away, so we'll probably only get to see each other 'maybe' once per week, 

Why so far away? Don't get hung up on texting or text response times. Don't text-tether.

It's one date and too far to build anything especially if you are already anxious about texting.

[glows]

Reply normally when you have a moment. There is no need for delay. I can understand why you’re a bundle of nerves if you have mutual friends. Yet, isn’t it more reason to just be yourself?

The whole idea is to be genuinely you and she to be herself so you can see whether you’re compatible. It’s not about getting a gf or snagging her. 

I’d stay off the social media likes if you weren’t ever on each others’ social media or connected before then. You barely know this woman. Relax and meet in person more often and you’ll get a better feel of what’s agreeable to her too.

 

[Alpacalia]

Keep in mind that you are both still "feeling each other out" at this stage.

Give each other time to reflect on the date.

It's okay to feel a little anxious at first. It is not as simple as removing these feelings or anxieties altogether, but rather replacing them with higher order behaviors and feelings.

A lot of spark is expected from the beginning.

Take your time to get to know someone. The best connections are formed slowly, not instantly.

Stakes set too high too early will only reinforce your anxiety when you fail to meet them. Think, baby steps.

 

Edited January 24, 2022 by Alpaca

[Blind-Sided]

You need to not worry about how long it takes someone to txt back.  Not everyone lives on their phone !!     For me... I NEVER have the ringer on because I simply don't care.  Not to mention, when I'm working, I generally don't pick up my phone because it's rude.  Even when I'm home, I leave my phone sitting on the table.  When I see a message, I respond.   Sometimes it's quick... and sometimes it is not. 

[Herkamer]

Anymore, if a woman I'm talking to texts me, I give it an hour or more before I respond. Also, if she gave me her number at a social event or we went out one night, I don't EVER text the very night when we're together. That can wait until the next day. It is not an emergency. Honestly, if she has your number, let her text you first. Guys get it in their heads that they should be the first ones texting after a date. In today's dating world, unless if you're texting over your number after she gives hers to you, its a bad idea. There are women that get in their heads that the guy could be a creep or a weirdo, or what have you. If a woman likes you, let them make the effort to reach out after a date, not the other way around. It sounds like apathy on the guy's part, but it isn't. Trust me. Make sure to respond when she does message you, though. It does let her know that you are interested. Now, I'm not quite sure what to think about a woman responding quickly, like 5 -15 minutes. It depends on the person, I guess. If they're laid back and not as outgoing, no harm no foul, but if they're very active, then I'd say maybe tread careful. It's hard to say. I just know as a guy it's not a good idea to respond less than a half hour - full hour.

 

There's a woman that has been on and off with me for about a month. We tried to go out a few other times and never seemed to pan out. I think to one degree she still wants to go out, but if she's cancelling and rescheduling 3 times, she can get a hold of me on when she's available instead of me making the time, her agreeing, only for her to call it off because of family. Not saying family isn't important (which she said was the reason), but if she wants to go out, she will clear her schedule and make the time. Keep that in mind, too. Anyway, whenever she does message me, I don't respond for well over an hour or two. Sounds mean, but it's letting her know that she isn't top priority right now. In some ways, it actually makes women desire men a little more. Another woman I started talking to, same thing. Time is important to me, except if I asked this woman out, not only would she make time, but also do it the day when I ask. The way she was with me was as if she wanted to rush it, so I'm taking it EXTREMELY slow with that one.

 

Above all, your time is valuable, and the woman you're seeing needs to know this, if she doesn't already. Sure, her time is important too, but just remember, this isn't a one way street. She may be a good person, but these kind of things can get to a person's head, no matter how good they are. Take your time and don't rush anything. Once she sees that you're focused on what's in front of you, she will respect you more and she will know you're not after one thing from her. Let her text you. You asked her out and shown her a good time, and now she needs to prove that she likes you by getting back with you on her free time. The way to look at it is men need to be the ones to wait for those messages. Kind of like playing hard to get, but we men are not as good at it, but we're challenging enough. So don't throw away your validation to quickly, my friend, and if this woman is as good of person as she's made out to be, I don't think there's anything wrong with her responding relatively quick. Just make sure to do your part and give yourself time before responding. Good luck!

[Johnson1]

On 1/23/2022 at 11:22 PM, Ami1uwant said:

Why her given the distance?

Because she's nice, and down to earth, and because all the women I've dated recently in my area turned out to be drunk pyscho train wrecks. 

[Johnson1]

On 1/24/2022 at 8:57 AM, Blind-Sided said:

You need to not worry about how long it takes someone to txt back.  Not everyone lives on their phone !!     For me... I NEVER have the ringer on because I simply don't care.  Not to mention, when I'm working, I generally don't pick up my phone because it's rude.  Even when I'm home, I leave my phone sitting on the table.  When I see a message, I respond.   Sometimes it's quick... and sometimes it is not. 

We don't text during the weekdays. I know nothing about her work schedule. I know she does office work, but that's about it. She texted me last night and we briefly exchanged texts and said our goodnights. I haven't heard from her yet today. I texted her around 8:30pm and haven't heard back yet. She does have kids living with her. Her friend is traveling to my area without her. They usually travel over to this area together, stay for the weekend, then go back home. The friend put up a post saying she's missing her and she responded back with a sad face emoji. At this point I know very little about her life. Our texts are great, but brief. She agreed to make plans for this weekend. She said she was going to be with her kids, but can make time for us to get together. I have no idea what she's doing tonight. She hasn't been on social media all day. She said she does have a male bff and that he likes her, but she doesn't feel that way about him. I believe her. She does seem like a very honest person. I don't know if she goes out on weeknights by herself and hangs out with other people besides her best gf who is now in my area, or if she's home with her kids. We texted last night when she was home. I'm thinking she's probably out somewhere tonight, that's why she's not paying attention to her phone.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Johnson1

[glows]

I understand you’re wanting to know why she’s not responding to you but don’t let it drive you up the wall.

Get off social media and put your phone away. Check your phone tomorrow morning. She has not responded to the 8:30 pm text and it’s late enough already. Do something else and enjoy the evening. 

You both made tentative plans for the weekend so follow up on Thurs or Fri and ask her when she’d be free to spend time together over the weekend. 

If she has her kids leave room for the possibility of rescheduling for another time. 

 

[Johnson1]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I understand you’re wanting to know why she’s not responding to you but don’t let it drive you up the wall.

Get off social media and put your phone away. Check your phone tomorrow morning. She has not responded to the 8:30 pm text and it’s late enough already. Do something else and enjoy the evening. 

You both made tentative plans for the weekend so follow up on Thurs or Fri and ask her when she’d be free to spend time together over the weekend. 

If she has her kids leave room for the possibility of rescheduling for another time. 

 

You're right, I won't think on it anymore tonight. I'll see if she responds tomorrow and if she divulges why she never responded today. We've been texting every day since we hung out last Saturday. Why she didn't today I have no idea. It's not like it's mandatory that she does. It's just unusual. I'm sure she's staying in touch with her bff gf who's in my area missing her. My guess is she's out somewhere with whomever and doesn't want to get in a text conversation with me.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Johnson1