karendonaire Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 I met thins guy online. We really hit it off and had great chemistry. He suggested to speak over Facetime and I agreed. We had a good chat. At the end of the call, he asked me out for a real date. I was happy to meet him but I didn't know my work schedule at the time (it was Monday) for the following week. I told him that I will send him my day offs on Thursday or Friday. Well, I expected him to get in touch with me before or on Thursday or Friday to ask me for my schedule (or just to chat) but he didn't. At the time, I figured, he is not really interested in me as he didn't initiate any contacts between Monday and Friday, so I never sent him my off days (and he never contacted me asking for or asking why I didn't send it). Did he think I was not interested to meet him as I didn't send him my schedule (as I told him I would do)? That was not my intention - I was just scared of rejection as he didn't text me between Monday and Thursday. Or was he simply thinking that he will make a firm date once I send him my rota? I am confused. We haven't spoken since that Facetime talk, which has been about a week. Is there a chance he will contact me or should I contact him? I want to see him.
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 1 hour ago, karendonaire said: . At the end of the call, he asked me out for a real date. Yes unfortunately you came across as putting it off or not wanting to meet. If you are interested in meeting, you don't offer your work schedule and claim you don't know your work schedule for days. You don't need a day off or vacation time to meet up for a brief coffee or drink. That's why he knew it was lack of interest. Next time, if you are interested in meeting, say yes and give specific times a brief coffee or drink works for you. In the online dating world, people who stall, or hem and haw about or won't meet in a timely fashion are considered red flags . 2
Author karendonaire Posted January 23, 2022 Author Posted January 23, 2022 17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Yes unfortunately you came across as putting it off or not wanting to meet. If you are interested in meeting, you don't offer your work schedule and claim you don't know your work schedule for days. You don't need a day off or vacation time to meet up for a brief coffee or drink. That's why he knew it was lack of interest. Next time, if you are interested in meeting, say yes and give specific times a brief coffee or drink works for you. In the online dating world, people who stall, or hem and haw about or won't meet in a timely fashion are considered red flags . I think, you misunderstood. I work in a bar and I work from noon till midnight. On days when I work, I can't go out on a date (antisocial hours). But I only get my following week's schedule on the Thursday or Friday (my day offs always change). I didn't offer my schedule to him as I didn't know that at the time. This is the reason I told him that I will send it on Thursday or Friday. But as he didn't text me between our Facetime call and Friday, I figured he lost interest... but I am not sure. He might have been simply waiting for the day when I can meet him and maybe he was going arrange the date then
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 7 minutes ago, karendonaire said: I told him that I will send it on Thursday or Friday. Why can't you get back to him as promised with a time you can get together? 2
Author karendonaire Posted January 23, 2022 Author Posted January 23, 2022 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why can't you get back to him as promised with a time you can get together? Originally when he didn't contact me between Monday and Friday, I figured he lost interest. Then I didn't send it because of that. Now I feel it might be too late as he expected my message on Thursday or Friday...
Sun Seeker Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 If you are fearing rejection of every guy you talk to, then maybe it's not the right time for you to be dating. Build up some self confidence first. He did everything right, asked you for a real date, did not contact you for pointless chit chat, but you decided to not stick to your word. I'm not sure why you were expecting him to be texting you before Thursday. Chat should be minimal before a first meet, and messages only used to arrange the date. Why would he waste time texting if when you meet it's not the same and you never see each other again. 2 1
glows Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 3 hours ago, karendonaire said: I think, you misunderstood. I work in a bar and I work from noon till midnight. On days when I work, I can't go out on a date (antisocial hours). But I only get my following week's schedule on the Thursday or Friday (my day offs always change). I didn't offer my schedule to him as I didn't know that at the time. This is the reason I told him that I will send it on Thursday or Friday. But as he didn't text me between our Facetime call and Friday, I figured he lost interest... but I am not sure. He might have been simply waiting for the day when I can meet him and maybe he was going arrange the date then He might have thought dating you will be like pulling teeth if he has to plan his life or getting to know you by Thursday/Friday when you receive a new weekly schedule. Each week being different might have been a put off for some. I’m not sure I understand what are “antisocial hours” either. Could you have met him for a one hour coffee before work at noon? Also know that to ask someone to potentially date another person with a schedule like this is tricky. While I don’t think you should take this personally I think your lifestyle/work schedule might have turned him off. It may not be you as a person. That’s fine if working at a bar is your calling. If not, find another line of work.
poppyfields Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 (edited) 6 hours ago, karendonaire said: Well, I expected... ^^This is where you went wrong. YOU said you would get back to him with your availability, but yet you 'expected' HIM to reach out and chase you. This comes off as entitlement and he wasn't having it, good for him. Think about how HE must have felt. You initially blew off his invite saying you'd get back to him. You didn't. And now YOU are hurt because he's not chasing you? As Sun Seeker said, and I've posted this before as well, if you're so fearful of rejection or of getting hurt that you place unrealistic expectations on any given situation (such as this), then you really have no business dating right now.. Work on you, gaining confidence, becoming less anxious and fearful. HE did everything right, sorry to say but you blew this one... Edited January 23, 2022 by poppyfields 4
ExpatInItaly Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 You goofed here, OP. You said you would let him know and you didn't. So yes, he probably thinks you are not interested. He was waiting to hear from you and got crickets from you. And it's now Sunday and you still haven't bothered getting in touch with him. In the future, keep your word and do what you say you're going to do.
Versacehottie Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why can't you get back to him as promised with a time you can get together? totally agree! Ball was in your court so he was probably waiting for you to get back to HIM with your schedule. While he could have reached out in the time in between, guys would manage that in a few different ways. He might have figured all that was left was the logistics to set up the actual time/date/place. Which really was dependent on you. A lot of people don't believe in a ton of chit chat before the date, ie the FaceTime might have been enough. The majority of this misunderstanding is on you, I'm afraid. Just tell him your schedule.
Alvi Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 (edited) I don't know OP. Everybody on here says that this is all your fault. I don't agree with that entirely, simply because on-line dating could be very confusing. It could be anything or everything. It may be your fault as everybody is suggesting. It could be a simple misunderstanding or maybe you said something during the phonecall that rubbed him the wrong way (something that he thought about later) and him deciding to back off. It's possible that him not contacting you has nothing to do with you not sending him your schedule at all. People do talk and date multiple people at the same time. I would not assume that he was sitting and waiting just for you and not talking to others. What stopped him from messaging you if he was THAT interested in you? Really, would it hurt him to send you a simple message, lets say on Wednesday, saying: "Hi, how are you doing?" That would tell you that he is still on and wants to go on a date with you. But yes, I get what everybody is saying about you not sending him your schedule. Maybe he was really waiting for you and was bummed when he heard nothing. I would not assume necessarily that this is all on you. He is a bit older than you are and don't you find it a bit strange him reaching out a younger female to date? I am going on a limb and assuming that he is somewhat more experienced due to his age when it comes to dating. While you made a rookie mistake, he could've showed a bit of a take charge attitude too. I would suggest for you next time to meet men as soon as possible just for half and hour for a cup of coffee. Edited January 23, 2022 by Alvi 1
Alvi Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 Also, this is what I've learned when it comes to on-line dating. It is rarely just one person's fault. More often than not the blame goes both ways. While there are some things that I probably should've should've could've, but so could the other person. But since the on-line dating is just a number's game, people rarely bother nowadays. They simply move on to the next. What I am saying, while you should've sent your schedule to him as promised, he could've asked you point blank if you are still interested in meeting since he never heard anything from you.
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 (edited) 6 hours ago, karendonaire said: Originally when he didn't contact me between Monday and Friday, I figured he lost interest. Then I didn't send it because of that. Now I feel it might be too late as he expected my message on Thursday or Friday... Ok, if you are still interested you could make a last ditch effort and send a communication stating "I'm free xyz days, would like to grab a drink/coffee then?". If there's no response, oh well you tried. If there is great, have a good time. The point in OLD is to be enthused to meet as soon as mutually convenient and not appear iffy. Edited January 23, 2022 by Wiseman2 1
poppyfields Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 (edited) My take is that if he's been doing OLDing for awhile, he's dealt with his fair share of flakey women and knows the game well... So when you didn't give him a straight yes to his invite and had to "check your schedule," right then he knew or at least suspected this was not going to end well (with a meet). And as it turned out, he was right cause you immediately got your defenses up and did not follow through. I highly doubt he was sitting home "waiting" for your text or anything else. I mean, if you did, great, and a meet would have been scheduled. But you didn't so he chalked it up to just another on-line flake, even though that was not your intention, and he continued to pursue his other options. Lesson in all this? Do what you say you will do, and do not expect men you have never met to chase you, breaking down your defenses. They've been through their own **** and have their own defenses up. Women seem to forget that and expect men to be their "heros," charging in and knocking down defensive walls. Life doesn't work that way, it's not a Disney movie. It's real life where both men and women are nervous, anxious, and have been disappointed and hurt. Edited January 23, 2022 by poppyfields 1
poppyfields Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 @karendonairejust to give you some idea of what men experience on line, below is a post from a popular men's site: >>What's going on? I've recently made big progress in my careers (full time job as well as my creative side hustle), but women keep flaking more and more, it's like it's impossible to get a simple coffee date nowadays. I know I have to start working out again, but even when I was at my fittest (and a little less successful than now, which was 2 years ago), it was the same. Now all of them just wanna chat chat chat but when it's time to meet up IRL, it's crickets. I've asked out a few girls recently after I established a good dialogue and positive energy, but after I do, it's either crickets or excuses (or they say they will let me know).<< I'm not trying to make you feel worse but it's important to be aware of how your actions/non-actions are being perceived. Why not shoot him a text, apologize for the delay, ask him if he'd still like to meet up, and give him a day and time you're available? If you are still interested, you have absolutely nothing to lose by doing this imo. I would. Good luck whatever you decide..
ShyViolet Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 You said you would send him your off days. You didn't follow through on that. He might have interpreted that as YOU not being interested. Stop overthinking things, and just text him if you're interested. You literally have nothing to lose. If he doesn't reply, then you'll have your answer. 1
Ami1uwant Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 16 hours ago, karendonaire said: I think, you misunderstood. I work in a bar and I work from noon till midnight. On days when I work, I can't go out on a date (antisocial hours). But I only get my following week's schedule on the Thursday or Friday (my day offs always change). I didn't offer my schedule to him as I didn't know that at the time. This is the reason I told him that I will send it on Thursday or Friday. But as he didn't text me between our Facetime call and Friday, I figured he lost interest... but I am not sure. He might have been simply waiting for the day when I can meet him and maybe he was going arrange the date then the ball was in your court to send him what your schedule was going to be. You didn’t. experience people who have met people online want to meet in person ASAP and they want to save chatting fir the date. They aren’t going to string a convo with you fir weeks and givrn you appear to be 2nd shift to his first shift makes free time to talk when both aren’t working or sleeping hard
Ami1uwant Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 7 hours ago, Alvi said: Also, this is what I've learned when it comes to on-line dating. It is rarely just one person's fault. More often than not the blame goes both ways. While there are some things that I probably should've should've could've, but so could the other person. But since the on-line dating is just a number's game, people rarely bother nowadays. They simply move on to the next. What I am saying, while you should've sent your schedule to him as promised, he could've asked you point blank if you are still interested in meeting since he never heard anything from you. In this case it is. he said how bout a date on ax. she said I can’t. I won’t know my schedule till Thursday/ Friday. so ball is in her court to get back to him when schedule cone out. 1
ChatroomHero Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 So he did everything he said he would do and you failed on what you promised to do and you wonder if he took it as you blowing him off? Of course that is how he took it. You're asking this guy to be a mind reader. He doesn't know you, was waiting for you to do what you promised to do and you just blew him off based on something you made up in your mind that you expected him to do. I mean, what would you think if you found out the reason he didn't text you earlier in the week was because all in his mind he randomly decided he expected you would text him first, Tuesday, no later than 3:08pm and if you didn't, that was his proof you were blowing him off? You literally told him you would let him know your schedule on Thursday or Friday and then wonder why he didn't ask for your schedule before Thursday or Friday? What am I missing? Why would he ask your schedule earlier if that is exactly when you said you would know? If I were him, I would expect if I set up plans for a Saturday and got directions and said I would pick you up at 5pm and you explicitly agreed, there's a 90% chance you wouldn't be there and say, "Well you didn't text by 4:30 to confirm you were still coming so I went out with friends, even though we never discussed you texting by 4:30, I just randomly determined that without telling you". So let's look at it honestly...you know you said YOU would tell him your schedule on Thursday or Friday. You were afraid of being ghosted or blown off (despite the fact he asked you out is the opposite of him rejecting you), so you took the power and blew him off so you could avoid him possibly doing it to you first. You intentionally wrecked it so he wouldn't be able to ghost or reject you. Be honest, I'd bet anything the second you told him you would let him know your schedule, you had 0 plans to ever let him know your schedule, you were just hoping he would jump through hoops and keep proving to you he was interested to satisfy your lack of confidence. That's never really going to be a winning tactic.
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2022 Posted January 29, 2022 (edited) You have to remember guys do the asking and get rejected way more than you. There was no agreement on anything else but for YOU to contact him about your schedule. So he waited and you didn't follow through, so what is he supposed to think?? I bet money on it, he's heard it all before with the excuses the old "let me check my schedule and I'll get back to you" which is used A LOT by women to ditch someone...So he wasn't going to be a fool and be duped chasing someone down for a date. The ball was in your court and you dropped it. You didn't follow through. So ya he's questioning the level of your interest too. I call this the Mexican stand off...both parties are waiting for the other to make a move to which....nothing is going to happen. It seems this is the way it is these days. Like a chess game....it was your move not his. Since you were disappointed in him not communicating, it's simply not a match. Your expectations are off, unmatched, out of balance. Just move on until you find someone that likes to contact you consistently, because it makes you feel more secure. Edited January 29, 2022 by smackie9 1
Trail Blazer Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 OP: I don't know how you could be "confused" by this at all. You told him you would send him your schedule after he asked you out on a date. You didn't. You cited some strange reason about fearing rejection. The only thing confusing is your behavior. It's completely illogical. If I ask a girl out and she leaves me hanging for days until she gets me her schedule, I'm going to move on. If the dude is in any way half good looking, I can assure you that you're not the only girl he's talking to. From his perspective he may have even taken what you said as a gentle let down. This might sound harsh, but I don't think you're in the right headspace to date. You need to get your $h!t together if you want a functional, committed relationship. With your fear of rejection subsuming any logical thought processes, you're just going to waste others' time and cause frustration whilst inflicting grief upon yourself.
dramafreezone Posted February 1, 2022 Posted February 1, 2022 (edited) On 1/23/2022 at 1:58 AM, karendonaire said: I met thins guy online. We really hit it off and had great chemistry. He suggested to speak over Facetime and I agreed. We had a good chat. At the end of the call, he asked me out for a real date. I was happy to meet him but I didn't know my work schedule at the time (it was Monday) for the following week. I told him that I will send him my day offs on Thursday or Friday. Well, I expected him to get in touch with me before or on Thursday or Friday to ask me for my schedule (or just to chat) but he didn't. At the time, I figured, he is not really interested in me as he didn't initiate any contacts between Monday and Friday, so I never sent him my off days (and he never contacted me asking for or asking why I didn't send it). Did he think I was not interested to meet him as I didn't send him my schedule (as I told him I would do)? That was not my intention - I was just scared of rejection as he didn't text me between Monday and Thursday. Or was he simply thinking that he will make a firm date once I send him my rota? I am confused. We haven't spoken since that Facetime talk, which has been about a week. Is there a chance he will contact me or should I contact him? I want to see him. Why didn't you send him your off days like you said you would? That seems like it was the last communication. Courtship is like tennis, he hit the ball over the net when he asked you out. You then said you'd get back to him with days that would work and you didn't, so you didn't hit the ball back over the net. I would contact him and make sure to keep your word when you say you'll do something. If I were him I would assume that you flaked because this is what a flake would do, say they're going to do something and not do it. Edited February 1, 2022 by dramafreezone
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